Sunday Blog 15082021

Sunday blog 15082021

I had a lot of things to do today as I listened to the ball game. I did my med boxes for the week, putting in the right pills for prep on Wed. I then made a little bag up to make sure I had enough caths and pads for after surgery. I think I am going to have some bottles of Gatorade on a shelf near my bed so I don’t have to bend down to pick them up. I ordered tacos for dinner. I am still waiting for them to be delivered.

I took a shower with the special soap I need to use. It is very liquid and does not lather well at all. I just took a quick shower. I can’t use the soap on my privates so I had to use regular soap. I feel better now that I am showered and my anxiety is a little less. I just need to empty my recycles tomorrow. I was going to do that today but I don’t feel up to it.

I listened to 8 innings of the Sox before getting too anxious about showering. My back flared up but it settled down once I sat down for a bit. They won 6-2, sweeping the O’s. They are off tomorrow and then play the snakes in the Bronx. They play two games but there was talk of a double header so I don’t know. My calendar doesn’t put in rescheduled games, which really sucks.

I think I am going to read tonight. I haven’t read anything in weeks. I have been really bad at scheduling time to read a book. I mostly just read Twitter, which lately has been depressing me because of all the virus cases and anti-vax idiots. It just hasn’t been fun lately. I try to get the pets and animals pictures so it can have some brightness to my day.

Tomorrow I go for my Covid test. When my med alarm went off this morning I thought today was Monday. I am so fucking nervous about everything. I think I will need an Ativan before my night meds. I just washed the new clothes I bought. I have to wear female underwear because I need to wear a pad for a week or two after surgery. I am not ok with this as I find it demoralizing but a pair of boxers doesn’t hold a pad so I don’t have a choice really. It won’t kill me to wear them for a week or so. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. It calms me down to hear her voice.

The tacos I ordered came cold and were not so great. Last time I order them. This is the second time they arrived this way and an hour late. I might have a yogurt. My leg is flared up from all the standing I have done today. I just took some meds. My lower back is aching so I took some Tylenol, too. I got to call my PT place to find out if I can see my PT if the Covid test isn’t back yet. Last time it took a little more than 24 hours for me to get results. Each PT visit they ask if we have a pending covid test or had a test within the last 24 hours. I don’t think it will be applicable to me because a doctor ordered it for my surgery not because I am having symptoms. I have been careful to wear my mask all this week and the week before when I go out. I just hope I can sleep tonight and not be up all night because I have to be up early to get ready for the test before leaving the house. I will have Starbucks on the way home because dammit I deserve it!

Love Story vs Don’t You

Love story vs don’t you

As you may know by now, I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. Her latest album, Fearless (Taylor’s version) has been playing since I have been able to download it to my phone. There are two songs I absolutely love. One is Love Story and the other is Don’t You. I am having a hard time deciding which to put on repeat because I want them both on my top 25 playlist. Right now the numbers are below 50 for Love Story and over 50 for Don’t You. (The numbers are how many times it has been played as recorded by my MP3 app.) I have been thinking of making a playlist with just those two songs so that I can listen to them back to back. I might just do that. Don’t You has been really talking to me, but not in a psychotic way. I just can really relate to this song so much. Taylor’s new music has been really good and there have been songs I can finally relate to. I feel like that her new music has been grown up as she is older now. My other dilemma with her music is that I follow her lyric bots for the album folklore and when a lyric plays and I don’t know the song, I want to listen to the album to know what the song is. It is driving me crazy not knowing.

It is almost 2am. I woke up an hour ago because of pain. And I had to pee as it has been six hours. I was able to void without cathing so I am happy about that. I am not happy I have a uti. My culture came back positive for bacteria. I haven’t heard from the NP yet if she is going to treat it or not. I have been feeling yucky the past two weeks since the cramping started. I have had busy back to back days and am really tired but cannot seem to sleep. I want to change my sheets but it will be a hassle as I have stuff on my bed again. I got Amazon packages surrounding my bed. I just have to take two downstairs to put on my porch. It is my new coffee that I love from Starbucks called Spring Day. It is limited so I bought a bunch while I had the money.

I was able to wake up early this morning to get my first vaccine shot. It took less than twenty minutes and I was early. I had to stay a little longer than the usual 15 minute observation period because I had an anaphylaxis reaction to ginger. Ginger is not in the vaccine but they wanted to be cautious because I had this reaction. The only reaction I am having right now is a sore arm and a headache which Tylenol helped very much. I had to ask my doctor if taking Tylenol on a daily basis is good. He said as long as I don’t go over the 2000 mg dose a day I am ok.

Don’t you

Don’t you

Don’t you is a new song on Fearless Taylor version. It is my new favorite song. I have been listening to it since I left PT an hour ago. I have had a long day and I know I usually set a 500 word limit for myself but today has been a fucking day. I started the day with an appointment with urology. I have been given strict orders on how long between voids. I usually have 6 hours but they want it to be 4 especially if I have been drinking a lot and can’t go. Which means that if I can’t go on my own, I have to cath. I’ve also been given a hat to measure my urine. If I am going between the 4-6 hours and have a lot of urine >300mLs, I need to go more frequently. This is to prevent my bladder from stretching. Which means putting myself on a fricken timer for bladder reminders. Fuck. I thought I was done with this shit. Things were going so fucking well and now they suck. I really don’t want to be thinking of bladder function all the damn time. This just really sucks.

I came home and was dizzy. I had bought a Gatorade while waiting for the bus and drank that. I was going to wait to order food but as I was dizzy I thought I should eat something so I ordered a big mac. It’s all I’ve eaten today and probably will be. I just came home from PT and feel more dizzy than I did this afternoon so I am just going to drink Gatorade and rest. My blood pressure is normal so that is good. I know I am probably dehydrated because I haven’t been drinking throughout the day. I also been sweating a lot so that just adds to my exhaustion. I really hope that I can get up tomorrow morning for my vaccine appointment.

PT has gone well. My shoulder is much better than it was four months ago. Today was my last session for it. Next week I start the covid deconditioning program at the PT place. I already know it is going to take a lot out of me. I was working on one the machines today and did five minutes, twenty-two seconds and I was perspiring and exhausted from it. It is one of the machine the PT said I would be using so yay. She was testing my shoulder to see how I would do.

I am completely exhausted. But I wanted to write a blog because it has been days since I last wrote. I am going to watch China Beach and rest the rest of the day before med time.

exhausted

Exhausted

I’ve been listening to “tis the damn season” by Taylor Swift since noon time. Just a damn good song. I went to PT. It went well. I had to get some dry needling on my shoulder because it became hard as a rock. I need to put some heat on it later. We discussed Covid and she said there was a conditioning program that my PCP can refer me to so that I can get my strength back. I said I would get the referral when I got home.

After PT, I went to the square to get my ATM card to my name instead of my dead name. It took about a half hour. The weather got colder and there were snow flurries. I got a wrap at the grocery store so I would have something to eat for my dinner. It was a good turkey with brie and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite kind of wrap.

I am in my room and I am freezing. I just want to get under the covers and sleep. I am totally exhausted. My legs are killing me. Today is my niece’s birthday but I don’t think I am going to go to her party as it isn’t until 7 and I am really tired right now. I just told my sister I wasn’t going down for cake. I am too tired. I am having bladder cramps and they are really bad. I came close to having cath tonight because it had been more than 6 hours since I last voided. I am not in a good space right now. I feel like my body is failing me and I am so upset with the gender dysphoria of having cramps that feel like period cramps. I still don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder giving me these cramps. But it is going on three days now.

I bought some BZK wipes in case I do have to cath. Least I can wipe myself and not have to worry so much about getting an infection. I just put them in the bathroom. I feel like the cramps are my fault that I should have gone to the bathroom sooner or something but if anything the cramps should be going away now that my bladder is empty and it is not. I am so frustrated that I can’t tell if it is my uterus or not. I shouldn’t have a uterus to begin with for fucks sake. I really need to see the gyn so I can get a hysterectomy and be done with it. The dysphoria I am having with these stupid cramps is horrible. I really just want to die. I want to act on my thoughts. I won’t though for the sole reason this will pass, eventually. I am going to call the gyn tomorrow and see if I can schedule an appointment to see her for the female exam that I hate so much. I am overdue for the test and she needs to do a pre op exam. I am not looking forward to this exam at all. But I can’t put it off anymore. The cramping needs to stop.