Sunday blog 17102021

I’ve been up since 4 this morning. Woke up to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I stayed up. Shoulder was hurting really bad so I took some meds. It has been bothering me all day. Like an idiot I’ve been using my arm so that hasn’t helped. I need to keep it moving though so it doesn’t get stiff.

I somewhat plan on showering today. Back has been bothering me past few days. I keep getting spasms in my left hip. Not sure if it is related to the fall I took. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. Been in a grumpy sort of mood. While I was making my coffee, shoulder pain was really bad and I thought about suicide again. Then a friend sent me a meme saying she was glad I existed and I almost cried. I was overcome with emotion. I was so grateful she sent that to me.

While I was up early, I ordered groceries because I am almost out of my favorite coffee blend. I should have ordered milk and half and half but I didn’t think of it. I bought a lot of cereal. I’ve been eating a lot of cereal lately because I just don’t feel like cooking. My mother made chicken cacciatore yesterday so I might have some of that for dinner tonight. It is really good.

I’ve been trying to hydrate today so that my veins will be good tomorrow should they need to place an IV for my CT scan. I don’t want to get stuck multiple times. I hope to have the report by mid week so I can have an idea what is going on with my shoulder. Just hope I don’t need surgery.

I haven’t napped at all today. It is late now so I probably will just go to bed early. I still need to do my med boxes for the week. I keep procrastinating.

another painful depressing day

Another painful depressing day

I was in a lot of pain today with my shoulder. I didn’t want to do anything and so didn’t. I slept until around 11 and had coffee. I didn’t have anything to eat until a couple of hours later. The ortho department called me with an appointment so I have that at the end of the month. I also called my pcp office to see if I could increase my pain meds as I have so much pain. I haven’t heard back.

I had my dinner of Oreo cookies. I didn’t want anything else. I needed to shower and shave today but never got around to do it. I’ve been depressed most of the day. I wanted to go pick up my meds at the pharmacy. It was such a nice day today but I never left the house. Pain was a huge factor in keeping me in. I seriously gave some thought to suicide today but didn’t dwell on it.

My therapist got back to me this morning. I had to reschedule our appointment for next week as I have the CT scan a little close to our time. I am glad she got back to me. I let most of my friends know about my fractured shoulder. I just looked up the doctor I will be seeing. The bright side is he is chief of the department. Downside is he specializes in leg injuries. I don’t want the run around while I am in pain. I dealt with that while trying to find a diagnosis for my CRPS ankle and I won’t do that for my shoulder ever again. I don’t want something like CRPS to go to my shoulder. But I don’t know how common these ortho terms are and if seeing the chief will be a good idea. He would know who specializes in shoulders in his dept so I could get referred to that doctor. I know that I will need an MRI as I don’t think the CT scan is going to show the depth of the labrum. I could have a tear there that is causing me this pain. But without knowing what is causing the dislocation, I am stumped.

In the meantime I just hope to have adequate pain control. Hope my pcp gets back to me tomorrow.

Saturday Blog 27022021

Saturday Blog 27022021

I had breakfast and now I am thinking of doing something for lunch. I don’t know what I want. I should make a bacon sandwich. I bought some turkey bacon that needs to be used up. I just don’t know if I am up to cooking as my legs hurt today. It is snowing so I don’t plan on going out. It’s turned to rain now but still raw so hasn’t changed my decision to leave the house. I ordered Chipotle for lunch and man it was so salty. I couldn’t eat it all.

I am so tired. I want to sleep. I might get a nap after I finish this blog. It will be my reward for writing one. I’m trying to get back to daily writing but all I can do is take one day at a time. I think I am going to have to push myself to write something every day even if I don’t get to 500 words, which is my minimum goal that I have.

I asked my friends on Facebook if they would read my blog if I posted it and so far a few said they would. Just trying to have some accountability with keeping this blog going. Been nine years almost that I have had this blog. That is a long time.

I have been having pain down my leg the past few days. It flares up my ankle. I think the CRPS is spreading to my high ankle area as I have been having a lot of pain there lately. It also has been swollen. My left hamstring has been such a bother lately and really painful. No amount of stretches help it. I also got fricken cramps and this really bothers me as I don’t know if it is uterine or bladder.

I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help my dry hair. I hope to take a shower tomorrow so I can wash my hair with it. I love the smell of it. My nephew bought it and I just refilled it basically. Anything that makes a shower more appealing I am for. It is so hard for me to shower lately because of pain. I wanted to shave my beard off tonight but it didn’t happen. I want to be clean shaven for a little while. I just can’t bring myself to do it though because I have been in a lot of pain.

I have been in a depressed mood and been thinking of some medication that will sedate me. I am just afraid that if I take it, my therapist will hospitalize me. I am no longer on this medication and I have it just to kill myself with it. I have been planning on ending it with this medication for some time but I just can’t seem to go through with it. I am too afraid that it will fail or I will be found before I die. The medication might help with sleep as I have been having so much trouble staying asleep lately but I keep waking up with pain so I don’t know if it will work. So many variables.

pain and therapy

Pain and therapy

I had therapy today and I was in a rotten mood. We talked about how scared I was about my mother being in the hospital and her heart being dysfunctional. Then I talked about how I wanted to die. I told her to just write me off as hopeless. She said there are no hopeless cases. I really wanted her to say ok, I won’t see you anymore just so I could off myself. But she isn’t going to do that. We set up another appointment for the week and we will start the managing chronic pain book. I asked if I needed to keep the appointment and she said it would be for me if I keep it.

I don’t know if I am going to keep it. I got the fuck its big time and just don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. But I can’t right now and that sucks. I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder/neck. I started hurting with leg pain before my suicidal melt down. We were talking about how PT really hurt and I wanted to die but instead told the PT that I wanted to cry. She said that I couldn’t cry so she put some biofreeze on me. Thing me sweat so bad. My shirt was soaked by the time I got home.

I have PT tomorrow. I was talking to a friend that has had shoulder injuries and she said it could be years for knots to be taken out. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. I will hate being in pain for years with this. I will definitely die if that happens. The pain is horrible. The pain goes around my ear and in my jaw. It is so awful. I am hurting something really bad and I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

I finally changed my sheets today. I am in my mother’s bed as the new foam topper takes shape. It could be up to 48 hours for it to hold shape. UGH I didn’t know this. So tomorrow my niece will help me make my bed. I tried today and my back wouldn’t have it. I folded my clothes and it took all the energy I had to do it. My back was so bad. I would have done the dishes but I was hurting too much. My ankle has flared up now so I am stuck in bed. I took double my BT meds. I hate doing that because I can’t take more if I need it. But sometimes two work better than one pill. I am getting tired so I should be going to bed shortly. I just wanted to write this down while I was still up.