the 330 am blog

The 330 am blog

I’ve been up since 0130 because of pain. My right shoulder hurts and didn’t get better until I got up and started stretching it out a bit. I’ve been in a weird mood since waking up. I feel like I should be suicidal with the amount of pain that I am in but I am not. I don’t know if this is a good sign that I am getting better or what. I think the groups is helping me though I don’t know how because the skills I haven’t learned really. I know what they are but I haven’t worked on them. I have tried the DEAR MAN skill that my therapist wants me to but we had to go over it and then I dissociated afterwards so I don’t remember a thing about what we talked about. I didn’t even know if I had attended the session so I asked her if I did. She said I did. So weird.

I have one more week of groups and then I am done and I don’t think I will go back. It was too stressful. Plus my email kept deleting the emails that the clinicians were sending and I don’t know why that is. I got to make a rule so that it goes to my inbox and nowhere else.

My therapist wants me to send her screenshots of the handouts I am given during groups. I think she wants to make sure I am going and I find this irritating. I feel like she doesn’t trust me. The agreement was that I would text her and Then I would have a response to what I was texting. Thing is the past few days I haven’t had any responses to what I text her about. I feel like this is a one way street again.

I haven’t really participated in group that past few days. I listen but I have been getting bored. Even the group that I thought would be interesting was a flop. I didn’t like it at all. I have been going to the first three groups because those are the most important ones as they are mostly clinical. The first one is just a check in and the other two are either CBT or DBT groups. I find it interesting that they are using both therapies in the program. Both are useful, don’t get me wrong and they do work to their own extent.

I love the therapist that I have in the program. He is so energetic and empathetic and fun to work with. He is a really good guy and I love when he leads groups because he makes them fun instead of boring. He brings this energy that is positive and soothing. I love it. I am going to miss him when I leave. I feel like I should write him an email but I think I will wait as it is the weekend. I am surprised the hospital doesn’t recognize MLK day. It is this Monday and my therapist is off but the program is on. Very weird.

I have put back the weight I lost. I am disappointed in this because I was able to go below 200 and now I am a few pounds over. My struggle with weight is so finicky. It all depends on my appetite and if I eat regularly. Lately I have just been eating one meal a day because I usually full and don’t want to eat anything else for the day. This talking about eating is making me hungry. I think I am going to make scrambled eggs with cheese. I just hope we have the bread.

dissociation

Dissociation

I dissociated last night and didn’t even realize it until later that night. I wasn’t there for therapy but I was. I showed up but I have no recollection of the meeting. It has been a long while since something like this has happened. I don’t know why. I have no idea if something triggered me into dissociation or what. I don’t feel like seeing her again. I feel like I am taking up too much of her time.

I am meeting with my neurosurgeon and psychiatrist today. Both are virtual thank god because my ankle is still flared up and I know I wouldn’t be able to walk from the train station to my neurosurgeon’s office. Thankfully my back is better today so I don’t have to tell him I fell unless he asks. I have no red flag symptoms so I think I am ok. I got to tell my psychiatrist about he shaking. I noticed my right leg will shake and supposedly my hands shake when I give my sister things. I don’t have a steady hand when I hold them out straight.

I went to three groups today and they were okay. I had my meeting with the therapist and we decided to go the rest of the two full weeks. Insurance will pay so I don’t have to worry about going four days this week. I just have to show up to three groups though so that is good. I am not sure what my schedule will be like next week as I will be going all five days. I have to ask about this.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up most of the night because of pain. My neck, ankle, and back were all conspiring against me. They still are. I am so miserable. I feel like I just want to die. I wanted to text my therapist this but I decided not to. I didn’t want to worry her. I just said that I was in a lot of pain and left it at that. I still can’t believe I dissociated last night. I remember bits and pieces of therapy but it feels like I wasn’t there.

My legs and knees are still hurting from the fall I took the other day. My knees are bruised as I landed on them. I am so sore. I have been taking Tylenol around the clock for the soreness. My neck muscles are killing me too. All from that one fall. My back seems to be okay and I don’t have any back problems. I do have a sore back but that is it. No other pain going down my legs or other radiating back problems.

The surgeon signed me off. I don’t need to see him again unless I have problems. I am glad. My psychiatrist agreed to increase the citalopram. He is only going up 10 mg and then see how I do. He wants to make sure the drug doesn’t mess with my heart rhythm. I’ve never had a problem with SSRIs so I don’t know what his deal is.

shit show of a day

Shit show of a day

So this morning as I was making coffee, I answered my mother’s phone. She was having some nursing come and her doctor’s nurse wanted to talk to her. Both women misgendered me and deadnamed me. One of the women couldn’t understand why I was going by G instead of my birth name and why I was a son and not a daughter as I was conflicting with her paperwork. I don’t understand why they couldn’t be gender affirmed in their care.

I shrugged it off as there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to tell my mother that I am her son and to refer me as it on her doctor’s records. I went to group and each one went ok. I had to miss the first one because I didn’t get an email in time telling me where the group was. For some reason I am not getting the email when they send it out. It worked out okay because the last group on the day was on gender. I was bored during some of the groups but it was ok.

My sister gave me the presents from my mother, including my birthday card that said “daughter”. I flipped out. I was so damn fucking hurt. And with the stuff that happened in the morning it really didn’t make me feel good. I texted my therapist, who is on vacation, and she flipped out and knew I was hurting. She asked who else I could reach out to. I had already sent a few messages out to friends that would talk to me. I put on some Bon Jovi to just listen to music. I wanted to listen to something that wouldn’t stir anything up.

I felt bad that I bothered my therapist. I wasn’t looking for support as I knew I wasn’t going to get it, with her being on vacation. I ordered a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles. I got the burger with ketchup. It even said on the paper mustard. Someone can’t read. I ate it anyway. I wasn’t going to let a burger go to waste.

My mother is doing ok. She is still weak. I am not too happy with her right now but there is nothing I can do about it right now. I have to somehow get over this, that she cannot accept me for me. But it hurts so much. I tried crying tonight about it but the tears wouldn’t come. I don’t know why when I felt tearful. I think the citalopram is the reason I can’t cry. It really sucks. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with it.

Sunday full of pain

Sunday full of pain

I am still in a flare. I have been in pain all day. My foot/ankle have been hurting non stop. I went out briefly to get my prescription as I was running low on my medication. I am glad my insurance filled it before the end of the month because I am not sure how I am going to pay for it next month. After Jan 1st I will have to pay for my meds again until my deductible is reached. My shoulder has also been bothering me today.

I called my mother. She seemed like she was in good spirits despite being in the hospital. We don’t know what else is going on because the doctor never calls us like they should. My sister is getting so frustrated by this. Her appetite is back so I am glad to hear that. She said she was eating crackers when I called. The steroids they have her on must be doing their job but is wreaking havoc with her blood sugars.

I have group therapy tomorrow but I start my new schedule of only going to three groups a day instead of five. This is because I have appointments and we don’t want to mess with the insurance because I am skipping a day. I attend three days a week. This is a relief to me because going five days was really starting to get on my nerves. I am finding the program helpful as it gives me structure but that is all it is doing for me. I am not feeling like it is helping in any other way.

I have been having a down day because of the amount of pain that I am in. I really haven’t been in a flare this long before in a while. Pain is like a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst. It has been like this for days. I hate that I have been in so much pain and there not much I can do about it. Because I can’t do anything about it, it has made me feel suicidal at times. I feel trapped by the pain and want to escape. I posted on facebook that I felt like everyone would be better off without me and that is still how I feel.

My therapist is on vacation this week. I won’t be texting her like I have been because I am not sure she will respond. I am glad I don’t have to text her because she is away. I am also glad to have this break. I am tired. I hope I can sleep through the night but that may not be possible because of the amount of pain that I am in. I wanted to take a nap earlier today but I didn’t. I’ve been up since 9am. But I had broken sleep throughout the night. I don’t know why I keep waking up so damn early. It sucks.