a bad day of pain

A bad day of pain

I had a bad day of pain today. Ankle has been in a flare the past four days. Nothing was calming it down so I thought putting on a compression sock might help. It caused my high ankle to be bothered by the elastic at the top of the sock. I had to take it off. I could only take so much pain. My back was bothering me from sitting too long after my appointment with my psychopharm. It was good talking with her. I really missed her. She is back from having surgery two weeks ago. She faired better than me in that regard. I don’t think I would be back to work so quick.

We talked about my therapist and she asked if I wanted another therapist. I said I will discuss it with my therapist when I see her next. I don’t want to say yes and then we are able to work things out. I don’t have luck with therapists. They usually last a year with me if I am lucky, two years. More than that is a bonus but not expected. I really like this therapist but I am having trouble talking with her because of my fear of her laughing at me. I often feel intimidated by her and close up. I don’t even shoot the shit with her anymore because she becomes so rigid. It is hard to talk with someone when they have these expectations that you should talk about stuff. I get that is what therapy is about but I am literally not talking at all in sessions. I talk a little bit in the beginning but then I close down and it is so damn hard to open up. I also think because I have yet to attach a song to our work, it is hard for me to feel connected to what I am doing in therapy. Music lyrics always helps connecting me to therapy for some reason. I had quite a few songs with my therapist of 16 years. I would make her CDs to play. I was invested in the time with her. But my current therapist, I don’t feel like she gives a shit if I stay or go and that is hard for me to handle because if she isn’t in there with me, then I feel like I don’t have to say anything. She is noticing that I am not talking more. I can’t help but feel like this relationship is heading out the door. I will be sad to see her go because I know she is a good therapist, maybe she is just too good for me.

I just wrote her a letter. I told her my frustrations and more of what I just talked about. I think better when I am writing things out and I got a lot out in the message. I hate that I can’t talk to her in person. I think that is part of the problem but I don’t think it is going to change. I wish there was a room I could go to to have the conversation rather than for me to stay in my room. I think that is the other thing. I am trapped in my room with no way out so of course it is hard for me to talk. But the other problem is I feel she isn’t receptive to what I am going to say or is going to laugh at me for speaking about something. I am going through a lot medically and I haven’t been able to voice it to anyone but my friend in Canada. She is the only person in the world that gets what I am saying about my bladder and bowels and what have you. She also cares a lot about me and that is the thing with this therapist. I feel like she doesn’t care, like she can do without me and maybe she wants to get rid of me. I don’t know but I had to ask it. I know part of it is my whole nervous system being shocked with surgery on top of a CSF leak that is making me feel so drained that mentally I just am not there. I drift off and stay that way. I get like that while I am in session with my therapist and it is so frustrating because I just cannot think of anything to say. Nothing comes to mind. NOTHING!! It is like someone wiped my brain of all thoughts. My psych thinks it more neurologically than psychological. I am still recovering from surgery even though it has been 3 months but I haven’t really done anything in that time. I haven’t gone to Starbucks or any place else other than the pharmacy and maybe a grocery store. I haven’t gone for walks or even used the T to get around much because I have been feeling like such crap. But resting hasn’t been helpful for me. I do rest when I need it as when I went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics I took a nap after. I had to I was so wiped out. I just conked right out.

I start PT tomorrow and I am kind of scared. I am scared it is going to hurt and cause me real exhaustion. In my current state, I don’t think a rigid regimen will work for me because I am just too weak. I am not strong enough for something rigorous. It is going to be a slow going and I have a good physical therapist that I like working with. She makes the difference in wanting me to get better. I haven’t seen her since last year when I was working on my right ankle to build it up. I am sure I am weak in my legs for lack of movement. I hope that I can build some strength up so that showering isn’t so damn tough. If I can shower without sitting down more than twice, I will consider that an improvement. I also want to be able to go upstairs without being so damn short of breath and my heart rate going bananas.

I hate being sick!

I hate being sick!

The UTI advanced to my kidneys. I am hurting big time but I think I caught it in time. I keep spiking a fever so I am not sure the worst is behind me yet. This year has been awful as it has been for a lot of people. I had to cancel my PT appointment and should have cancelled therapy but I didn’t and now I regret it. She is a good therapist but I don’t think she is for me. I have been seeing her for a year and I think that is my usual goodbye practice. I seem to stay with someone for a year and then we end, though usually it is on the therapist’s part. I was feeling out of it when I was talking with her so I think it was probably a good idea to cancel but I didn’t and now I am left with feelings. I don’t see her again till next week. I am not going to dare ask for another session this week. I still feel like she wants to get rid of me. I think she wants me to bring it up. I just can’t shake the feeling. I will try and bring it up next week when I talk with her next. I might ask my psychopharm about how to go about it. She may have some thoughts. I could be totally wrong but my gut is telling me something isn’t right with therapy. I am not sure how to fix it. Maybe it is me and I can’t be helped. I think I am too hopeless.

I rescheduled my PT appointment and I have it this Thursday. I hope I am feeling better by then. My back is spasming right now and it hurts so much. I hate when it gets like this. There is nothing I can really do for it except to take muscle relaxers then wait for them to work.

I keep spiking a low grade fever. I feel it coming on because my head will hurt. I don’t know if the back spasms have anything to do with the fever. Probably not. But I am hurting and I hate it. I swear the UTIs are getting worse each one I get. I don’t know what the solution is other than not cathing. That is a cause of the infection. But I can’t completely stop cathing because my bladder still is finicky and needs to be cathed at times. It is slowly becoming more a nuance than a help. I try to be so careful but apparently I am not careful enough. I might have to start using gloves and see if that helps.

Okay that is all for today. I need to go lay down. Back is killing me. ☹

lousy day

Lousy day

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was up for a bit and then I must have dozed off as I woke up with the light on and me sitting partially up. My head was killing me from being in that position. I was tired as all hell. I took my meds and then made some coffee. I couldn’t be bothered to brush my teeth. I still need to do that. I have another UTI so will be going to the hospital tomorrow to drop off a specimen. It is going to tire me out much like today has. I had groceries delivered and my back was not having it. After I had my coffee I decided to make breakfast. My back went into protest. It was all spazzing and shit. My mother wanted me to do the dishes after I was done so I had to sit down like three times to finish the 5 dishes and pans that were in the sink. I felt so damn lightheaded. Then I decided to wash my face. As I was bending down to rinse my face off, I heard a pop in my back. It didn’t feel too good after that. I started to feel sick. I was getting all kinds of weird symptoms. My groceries were late and all I wanted to do was nap. Finally they showed up and I was able to put everything away and then make my way upstairs. My nephew put my bottles of Powerade outside my room so I brought them inside my room. I was careful lifting the bags. I was extremely tired after all of this and finally laid down to nap. It was a good nap. I didn’t sleep for too long so I hope it doesn’t interfere with my night time sleeping.

Not all the groceries that I ordered came in. I didn’t get all my Powerade and Gatorade bottles that I ordered but I got enough to hold me over. I can get some more later this month if need be. I am going to place another order in a week or so to get the bottles I didn’t get.

Last night I was talking with my psych and she thinks that I was pre-septic when I went to the emergency room a few weeks ago. That would explain why my white count was so high. I hope that with this UTI I don’t have a repeat of those symptoms. I sort of felt it today but I think because I didn’t sleep well last night that was why I felt so shitty. I lost control of my bladder so I know I have a UTI. I just hope it shows up on the testing stuff because I don’t want to suffer all weekend pissing my pants. I got a diaper on now so that I don’t wet my underpants and pajamas. I hate that when I have an infection, I lose control of my bladder. I just hope I don’t discharge blood clots like last time. Those are painful as fuck to pass.

I had a good talk with my psych last night. She told me she got hired by a hospital and will be starting in Oct. That kind of put me in a quandary. I want her to be my doc but I really like the psychopharm I have now. But I feel like I am betraying her if I don’t follow her. I kind of like that I have all my care in one place right now. Seeing my psych would disrupt the care a little bit. I don’t know what I want to do. I sent my psych an email asking her what she wants me to do and if seeing the people I am seeing is still okay and that I won’t be betraying her. I miss her so much. It would be great seeing her again but I feel bad for the psychopharm I am seeing now because I really like her. She cares about me and understands about being transgender because she is also. I will figure it out one way or another.

therapy and suicide stuff

Therapy and suicide stuff

My therapist shocked me by bringing up some suicide research. I knew what she was talking about though I really wanted the articles she was reading. I did my own research after we talked and think I found some articles that she may have read. I am going to ask her next week what articles she was reading. I am interested to know. She also thought that me thinking of suicide when my pain is great is what is making me depressed. She obviously doesn’t know that suicide planning can be a relief because you have an escape anytime you want. It is important to think about when you are feeling trapped. She wants me to have contact with my support groups and to reach out to NAMI. I am not so sure about NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). She wants me to be an advocate but advocating isn’t really my thing.

Because I was curious about what article my therapist has read, I did a search for the author I think she may have been reading. I found two articles that I was interested in and may have been what she read. I didn’t realize when I printed it out that one of them was 67 pages long! I was like WTF. It was a long ass article but I hope to read through it sometime today. The other one was a measly 14 pages in comparison. I might start with the smaller article first as it really is what I am interested in.

I didn’t eat too good yesterday. Today I was hungry so made some boiled eggs and toast. It was good. It is really humid today and hot, though not as hot as the weekend was. I emptied my recycles and have been slowly clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. It is always such a task to do this. Every time I clear it off I vow never to put stuff on the bed yet I break it within a week or two.

I need to shower today but I am not 100% into it because it is humid in the house. I hate it but my nephew is on vacation. I wish he was working so I could just wrap the towel around me and go to my room to get dressed. I need to shave again. Such a hassle sometimes. I have to be in the mood to do it. Otherwise I just use my electric shaver for a decent shave instead of a close one.

I think I am going to go to Walgreens to get a bar of acne soap. I had an acne wash but my fricken niece used it all on me. I hate that she was using my stuff. I have been having oily skin lately and that is always a recipe for more zits.