a bad day of pain

A bad day of pain

I had a bad day of pain today. Ankle has been in a flare the past four days. Nothing was calming it down so I thought putting on a compression sock might help. It caused my high ankle to be bothered by the elastic at the top of the sock. I had to take it off. I could only take so much pain. My back was bothering me from sitting too long after my appointment with my psychopharm. It was good talking with her. I really missed her. She is back from having surgery two weeks ago. She faired better than me in that regard. I don’t think I would be back to work so quick.

We talked about my therapist and she asked if I wanted another therapist. I said I will discuss it with my therapist when I see her next. I don’t want to say yes and then we are able to work things out. I don’t have luck with therapists. They usually last a year with me if I am lucky, two years. More than that is a bonus but not expected. I really like this therapist but I am having trouble talking with her because of my fear of her laughing at me. I often feel intimidated by her and close up. I don’t even shoot the shit with her anymore because she becomes so rigid. It is hard to talk with someone when they have these expectations that you should talk about stuff. I get that is what therapy is about but I am literally not talking at all in sessions. I talk a little bit in the beginning but then I close down and it is so damn hard to open up. I also think because I have yet to attach a song to our work, it is hard for me to feel connected to what I am doing in therapy. Music lyrics always helps connecting me to therapy for some reason. I had quite a few songs with my therapist of 16 years. I would make her CDs to play. I was invested in the time with her. But my current therapist, I don’t feel like she gives a shit if I stay or go and that is hard for me to handle because if she isn’t in there with me, then I feel like I don’t have to say anything. She is noticing that I am not talking more. I can’t help but feel like this relationship is heading out the door. I will be sad to see her go because I know she is a good therapist, maybe she is just too good for me.

I just wrote her a letter. I told her my frustrations and more of what I just talked about. I think better when I am writing things out and I got a lot out in the message. I hate that I can’t talk to her in person. I think that is part of the problem but I don’t think it is going to change. I wish there was a room I could go to to have the conversation rather than for me to stay in my room. I think that is the other thing. I am trapped in my room with no way out so of course it is hard for me to talk. But the other problem is I feel she isn’t receptive to what I am going to say or is going to laugh at me for speaking about something. I am going through a lot medically and I haven’t been able to voice it to anyone but my friend in Canada. She is the only person in the world that gets what I am saying about my bladder and bowels and what have you. She also cares a lot about me and that is the thing with this therapist. I feel like she doesn’t care, like she can do without me and maybe she wants to get rid of me. I don’t know but I had to ask it. I know part of it is my whole nervous system being shocked with surgery on top of a CSF leak that is making me feel so drained that mentally I just am not there. I drift off and stay that way. I get like that while I am in session with my therapist and it is so frustrating because I just cannot think of anything to say. Nothing comes to mind. NOTHING!! It is like someone wiped my brain of all thoughts. My psych thinks it more neurologically than psychological. I am still recovering from surgery even though it has been 3 months but I haven’t really done anything in that time. I haven’t gone to Starbucks or any place else other than the pharmacy and maybe a grocery store. I haven’t gone for walks or even used the T to get around much because I have been feeling like such crap. But resting hasn’t been helpful for me. I do rest when I need it as when I went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics I took a nap after. I had to I was so wiped out. I just conked right out.

I start PT tomorrow and I am kind of scared. I am scared it is going to hurt and cause me real exhaustion. In my current state, I don’t think a rigid regimen will work for me because I am just too weak. I am not strong enough for something rigorous. It is going to be a slow going and I have a good physical therapist that I like working with. She makes the difference in wanting me to get better. I haven’t seen her since last year when I was working on my right ankle to build it up. I am sure I am weak in my legs for lack of movement. I hope that I can build some strength up so that showering isn’t so damn tough. If I can shower without sitting down more than twice, I will consider that an improvement. I also want to be able to go upstairs without being so damn short of breath and my heart rate going bananas.

therapy and suicide stuff

Therapy and suicide stuff

My therapist shocked me by bringing up some suicide research. I knew what she was talking about though I really wanted the articles she was reading. I did my own research after we talked and think I found some articles that she may have read. I am going to ask her next week what articles she was reading. I am interested to know. She also thought that me thinking of suicide when my pain is great is what is making me depressed. She obviously doesn’t know that suicide planning can be a relief because you have an escape anytime you want. It is important to think about when you are feeling trapped. She wants me to have contact with my support groups and to reach out to NAMI. I am not so sure about NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). She wants me to be an advocate but advocating isn’t really my thing.

Because I was curious about what article my therapist has read, I did a search for the author I think she may have been reading. I found two articles that I was interested in and may have been what she read. I didn’t realize when I printed it out that one of them was 67 pages long! I was like WTF. It was a long ass article but I hope to read through it sometime today. The other one was a measly 14 pages in comparison. I might start with the smaller article first as it really is what I am interested in.

I didn’t eat too good yesterday. Today I was hungry so made some boiled eggs and toast. It was good. It is really humid today and hot, though not as hot as the weekend was. I emptied my recycles and have been slowly clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. It is always such a task to do this. Every time I clear it off I vow never to put stuff on the bed yet I break it within a week or two.

I need to shower today but I am not 100% into it because it is humid in the house. I hate it but my nephew is on vacation. I wish he was working so I could just wrap the towel around me and go to my room to get dressed. I need to shave again. Such a hassle sometimes. I have to be in the mood to do it. Otherwise I just use my electric shaver for a decent shave instead of a close one.

I think I am going to go to Walgreens to get a bar of acne soap. I had an acne wash but my fricken niece used it all on me. I hate that she was using my stuff. I have been having oily skin lately and that is always a recipe for more zits.

appt with neurosurgeon

Appointment with neurosurgeon

I took a shower today because I wanted to get the loose hairs from my haircut out of my head. I also didn’t want to stink. It was hard because I was exhausted and the whole process of showering made me more tired. I couldn’t nap though so I just rested in bed before I had to leave for my appointment.

I was thrilled my surgeon said I didn’t have to have another surgery for the fluid. He is going to keep an eye on me and my white count. I was to have bloods done today but the lab was closed so I will have to go tomorrow or Friday. Depends on what my energy levels are tomorrow. I am still exhausted so I hope that I can sleep well tonight. I am to contact him should something else arises. I am cleared for PT so I will be making my Ride appointment tomorrow for the appointments that I have. I am so glad I can start PT again. I am so deconditioned and even he said that I would be as I haven’t done much since surgery. This complication has wrecked my recovery.

Right now I am really tired and want to go to sleep but it is too early. I go to bed now I will wake up around midnight and then be up for a few hours, totally throwing off my sleep more than it already is. I will wait till my meds kick in some and I am totally brain dead. I also got to keep an eye on my bladder as it hasn’t been functioning the way I would like it lately. I am back to voiding on my own but I don’t know how long that will last. I haven’t felt like I have an empty bladder when I do void so I probably will need to cath before going to bed. Back is killing me so when I am finished blogging I am going to lay down and just read for a bit. I haven’t read since Friday. I wanted to finished the Linehan book this weekend but my brain had other plans (do nothing apparently!) I want to start the Dante Club by Matthew Pearl. It seems like a good book to read. I have read his other books and like his style of writing.

I goofed on my Powerade order. I accidently ordered the “zero” kind of white cherry. It has sucralose in it which I do not like. It is drinkable but I rather have sugar in my drinks rather than the fake kind. I have to be careful when I order more next time. I had dinner and it was a good piece of steak that I ate. Why am I still hungry?? I might make a burger.

All day my left leg has been hurting me. The only time it didn’t hurt was when I was meeting with the surgeon. Damn thing. I don’t know why it is angry today. But my back is killing me as well. I hate that I am in so much pain. Hope that my night meds help ease some of the discomfort. Surprisingly, my CRPS ankle/foot has been behaving. That is the weirdest thing that has been going on the past few weeks. I don’t know if it is because something else is going on with me or what but I will take the pain free days. Just hope I haven’t spoken too soon. That will suck.

listening to Taylor Swift

Listening to Taylor Swift

I decided to listen to Taylor because it has been a while since I listened to her music. I really love listening to her. I am listening to all her music that does not include her recent album. Her lover album is so different from her earlier music that I couldn’t put it in the playlist. It is not an album I like.

I spent most of the day sleeping. I again had an early morning awakening and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was tired most of the day. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Seems I am there every other day for one prescription or another. I hate that I am on so many meds. My antidepressant med I take two pills to give me a dose that helps me. I am surprised that it hasn’t made me nauseous yet. Usually they make me sick after a few months. But I haven’t had too much stomach problems yet. I am glad because being sick all the time is no way to be.

I have decided that I am not going to text my therapist about anything anymore. She is just not receptive to it and can careless about how my particular day is going. She doesn’t want me to become dependent on her yet she wants me to be open with her but only when we meet. It is still difficult to talk via the computer and I blank out. I try to say something, anything and nothing happens. It is like the thoughts are just sucked out of my brain. I hate that I am not talkative. We have been having a later time in the day and it has helped with me being awake during sessions. My brain still hasn’t woken up though enough to talk for 45 mins. I am sure we will work it out but I am so tired of having silences during our time.

I need to shave with my razor as my electric razor doesn’t seem to get that close as I would like. I also need to trim my sideburns. I completely messed up my mustache when I was trying to trim it so I had to shave it off. I hated to do it but the damn trimmer kind of did it for me. I think I need to try with a razor next time. I want to get it in a thin line but I am not sure I can do it. I will have to play with it. I want to get it like my uncle’s mustache was. His was always neatly trimmed. I really miss him. He probably would not accept me as a guy but I know he would still love me. He was a good man.

I am going to try and shower today. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am really tired and have no energy. I know the shower will suck whatever energy I have. I hate that it takes so much effort to wash up. I miss the days when a shower was refreshing and not a hassle. I envy my sister and nephew who can take a shower without a problem. I have sort of decided that I would take a selfie if I showered to show off my shower head hair. It is usually all messy and stuff and looks kind of cool. I don’t remember the last time I took a shower so it has been a while. If I shower today it will be the last time I will have long hair on top. I made an appointment with my barber for next week to have my haircut. I want the top short again. I can’t stand it being long anymore.