Cry Pretty

Cry Pretty

Carrie Underwood has a new song out called Cry Pretty and I fricken love it. It is spot on for those that struggle with the “mask” or façade of living, either with mental or chronic illness. I have been listening to it nearly non-stop since buying it. The video just came out last night on American Idol. She has such a tremendous voice. Better than the bitch Miranda Lambert. She blows her in the dust with her vocals alone!

My day has sucked. I woke up at 5 because I was cold. The temp dropped and the ceiling fan finally cooled my room a little too much. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I did some retail shopping online and then had something to eat. By then I was tired enough to sleep a few hours before I had to be up.

When my alarm went off, I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in bed for another 15 minutes or so and then took a shower. The shower just exhausted me. I really didn’t want to go to therapy or leave the house. I rested for a little bit and let my Bluetooth headset charge for a while. Then I got ready to leave. I totally forgot about the pumpkin cake to bring to my barbers and therapist. I will have to do that tomorrow. I also forgot to pack my pain meds so that wasn’t at all good.

While I was at Starbucks, my chickenshit PCP emailed me back saying he wanted the pain doc to prescribe me the new med. Rather than wait till the clinic called me, I called them and found out he isn’t here for the next two weeks and his next available isn’t until June. I said I had to see him sooner and what was going to do about my meds. She transferred me to the nurse but they didn’t pick up and they didn’t have a voicemail. I called back but was put on hold. I got pissed and hung up. Then I emailed my PCP again telling him this and what should I do. I didn’t hear back. I emailed my psych and she understood that I am frustrated but I need to wait as it was “the right thing for my PCP to be doing”. Whatever. I seriously doubt my PCP will EVER prescribe these meds to me now that I am being seen by the pain clinic. So I started crying in Starbucks because I was just so frustrated. Then I put on Pearl Jam and that made me feel better to rock out to their music. Pearl Jam always helps when I am frustrated.

I went to therapy and didn’t bawl as much as I thought I would. We talked and he could tell I was tired and frustrated. After therapy, I was starting to feel sick. Withdrawal from missing my pain med dose at noon was kicking around and I chose to wait for the bus. I waited nearly a half hour for the damn bus. I missed the bus at the Square home so had to catch another bus to take me to the other bus home. Then my bladder was telling me it had to be emptied. I swear I was getting hit from all sides. The bus was fricken late. I had to stop in Walgreens for my mother. Of course there was a line. I was not fucking happy. I was tempted to just leave and tell my mother I would pick it up tomorrow but I didn’t want to hear her.

I came home and I am ready to fricken pass out. My ankle is telling me to fuck off. I go up to my room and quickly take some pain meds. Then I change to my PJs and go back downstairs to use the bathroom, except my mother is in there. Fuck. I waited and then went to the bathroom. Too late. I waited too long. My boxers were fricken wet. I put them in the hamper and then went back upstairs to change into clean boxers. I like my black ones and couldn’t find one. I couldn’t find a damn one of the million I have. Like what the fuck?? I grabbed a gray one and then went to my room to lie down. Except I couldn’t because I was in so much fucking pain. My mother was making dinner. She called saying it was ready. I hadn’t had anything since the Danish at Starbucks so I was starving as well as in withdrawal. I felt really weak. I went back downstairs and told my mother if I pass out, I pass out (after telling her why, which she didn’t hear me because she never does so I had to tell her again).

I was more exhausted after I ate. I tried to nap but damn ankle/foot was not having it. I am so done with today. My suicidal planning has been in high gear today. I figure I could go to a hotel and be dead. Probably be better than the outdoors where a kid could find me. Thing that sucks is that I don’t think I can get my pension like I was hoping. That is my only snag. I am so pissed at this.

My mother told me my pedophile cousin is coming over the house tomorrow morning so I will be leaving and be out of the house for most of the day as I don’t want ANY interaction with him at all. Maybe it will give me the push I need to write some. Just hope my pain isn’t horrible that I can’t leave the house. Even if it is, I don’t fricken care. I can’t be in the same house as him. He makes me sick. And the protection he has from my family and others is pathetic.

When suicide becomes the option due to the opioid epidemic

When suicide becomes the option due to the opioid epidemic

I have been involved in the suicide prevention things for the past eleven years or so. I have been reading research articles from those in the field. Then I became disabled and my suicidality increased but I have not made any attempts. The reason I say this is because I am now involved in the chronic pain community and found that there have been a lot of suicides since the crack down on opioids really started bearing down on patients and their doctors.

Recently there has been a woman in Montana that ended her life after the DEA went after her doctor. I find this, sadly, preventable. These pain patients have severe pain and need opioids to get relief. Since October, I have been trying to get adequate pain meds to relieve my pain but have been facing nothing but red tape. I have had two psych hospitalizations, which have not been helpful in the least. My psychiatrist is really worried about me. I have a plan to end things in a few months. It is a coping mechanism for me to make these plans. I don’t know if I will go through with it but it’s helpful for me to know there is an end to my suffering.

In the suicide prevention community, specifically a social media twitter group called SPSM (suicide prevention social media) there has been a lot of talk about getting the medical professionals to talk openly about asking about suicide as there has been research stating most suicides happen a within a period of time after seeking a medical professional. I argue that the psych professionals also have to ask the question, which sometimes does not happen for a variety of reasons. What is missing in those with chronic pain, is also lacking the talk of asking about suicide after pain meds have been forcibly cut or stopped all together. This kind of action has lead to multiple suicide that Dr. Kline, a pain physician, has written about.

I really think that if the pain psychologist in these pain clinics ask about it or even the health care professionals do, there might be a chance of saving a life. These patients feel their backs are against a wall and they cannot function without these meds anymore. The epidemic is nothing but hysteria. The CDC lied about their statistics and made it look like prescription opioids were the problem when it was really illicit drugs. Compounding the problem with chronic pain patients not getting the meds they need are the patients that have substance abuse disorder. The stigma surrounding substance abuse is probably as bad as those with suicidal ideation. There are no easy answers as some chronic pain patients has been grouped with the substance use and vice versa. Both need to be treated with meds but stigma and thoughts of not being able to be “strong” enough to stand the withdrawals or handle pain is just not a way of doing it. Unlike alcohol abuse where abstinence helps, substance use need medical assisted treatment with meds such as suboxone. There needs to be no legal punishment for those seeking treatment. More overdoses have happened due to people being released from jail and then using again because their tolerance has been lowered while being away from their substance.

With chronic pain, those that have been stable for years and being taken off abruptly, often turn to suicide because their pain is making their lives miserable. They can no longer do the things they did while on pain meds for their chronic pain. Often these patients feel abandoned by their doctors and some have been and are unable to find another doctor to treat them. Some have to travel far from their homes for care. It is a sad situation. Pain needs to be addressed. It was the 5th vital sign but the crisis has done away with it. So those with deep emotional pain don’t get asked about suicide and those with deep physical pain are neglected and never asked about their suicidal thoughts. Can we bridge this huge gap? Tough question to be answered.

it sucks when the bipolar part of me comes out

It sucks when the Bipolar part of me comes out

Past few hours, I have been keyed up. My thoughts are racing. I am thinking of a million things to do at once. Around 2300, I decided to make burritos so I could have them in the morning. I made four and ate one. One burrito was pathetic as I didn’t put enough egg in it. I had fun making them. I thought it was a good distraction for my pain but I was wrong. Soon as I tried to settle down, my pain got bad. I listened to a podcast and that helped some.

I took some more pain meds and was going to turn in. I had to move my stupid pillow that likes to make a break for my nightstand. Somehow moving it caused my fricken ankle and foot to go berserk on me. Now I am in pain again. Glad I took my pain meds. If I could walk, I would probably go for one right now because I just need to burn off this energy influx that I have. I hate when my Bipolar part of me gets activated. I probably will be feeling up for a day or so and then crash like I always do. I know not sleeping the past few nights caused this to happen. Also this time of year.

It’s so weird because it’s like my mood took a complete 180. The other night I was swimming in despair and now I feel on cloud nine. I am in pain but it isn’t quite affecting my mood so much. I can handle it a little bit better. Yet I still want to end my life. I am just trying not to dwell on it so much right now because things have shifted. I know it is temporary. I will probably feel like shit tomorrow and not want to get out of bed. I need to go into town though. I have to get my meds squared away. Fricken hate this sometimes but it is a necessary evil.

I feel like having another cup of tea but I know if I do, I probably won’t sleep at all. I really am on a tea kick. I don’t know why. I should make coffee tomorrow and see if I can drink it. I have been wanting to see if I could drink it but I am not sure. I think the new French press might have changed the way the coffee tastes. It has a new filter so the right amount of coffee is being filtered. I am just wondering if it is taking the flavor away as well. Or maybe I am not using the right amount of water. I don’t know. I had it down pat the water to coffee ratio. Now I think I have to adjust because it is a new press. Maybe I am off by an ounce or something. I hate playing with it. I wish the beaker had markings on it saying how much water you are putting in. I have just been going by the wordings on the container. Not a good measure, I know. But on my old one, that was how I knew I put just the right amount of water to coffee.

I just emailed my psych telling her I am hypomanic. I told her I don’t expect it to last. Thank fucking god I don’t get paid this week. God only knows what shit I would buy from Amazon. One of the Twitter people I follow had an Amazon suggestion for a pine coffin. HOLY SHIT! That is all I need to know. I can build my own coffin! I want a pine coffin anyway. I don’t need the fancy shit. Just put me in the box and then in the furnace. It said it was good for cremations. It was $600 though. I don’t have that much dough left over after I pay all my bills. If I skim, I usually have around $200 or so. I am trying to lower my grocery order to less than $150. I want to make cauliflower buffalo bites so need the ingredients for it. I think my mother and I will like it. I am just worried the stuff is not going to stick to it because according to the directions, all it needs is water on the cauliflower and then you dip it in flour and then flax seed. I don’t know if there is more to it than that. I had the recipe up but I had to restart my laptop because it was being a fink. I will be so damn happy when my other laptop gets fixed. Then I can shove this POS in the toilet. Actually, probably not as I don’t want to wreck the plumbing.

My ankle and foot are really fucking hurting me. Making those burritos was not a good idea, even though my belly is happy. I need more picante sauce. I had to order it. I just hope I have enough until next week. If not, I know Walgreens has it. I can pick it up later today when I go out, which might be in twelve hours from now. Fucking fuck. IF I get to sleep. I bet my mother is going to fucking call at 8 asking me to put on her socks. I hate doing it only because you have to wear these thick gloves that have special contacts on them to make putting on the socks easier. They do help so the sock doesn’t slip so easily. But they are so damn tight and hard to take off. Putting them on is hard too.

The podcast I heard tonight was Terri Clark and Sara Evans, two country music artists. They were talking about how females were basically being shut out of commercial country and they are. All you hear on the radio are male artist and that bitch Miranda Lambert, who got all the fricken female awards at the ACMs. Carrie Underwood is big but Miranda is a slimeball. In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like her much. She just looks like a bitch. I miss the radio days where you did hear Terri, Sara, Martina McBride, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and others from the 90s. Maybe I am just an oldie. But their music was good and made you get into a groove. I like the male artists but like Terri and Sara was saying, they all sound the same. And they do. They don’t have a distinctive voice like Chris Stapleton or George Jones. Tim McGraw has come a long way but he is moving toward pop like the rest of them. Taylor I can’t say. I will love her always, even though her videos are like WTF. She has moved to pop, too though she is trying to go back to country, so they say. I think she will have some competition with bitch face Lambert. I heard she is doing something with Sugarland. That will be interesting because Jennifer Nettles and Kristain Bush are wonderful songwriters. I really can’t wait for their album but I think it will come out after I am gone. Even country radio has changed. I started listening to WKLB in 1993 when they first aired. They had many personalities and the only one that has remained throughout the years has been Carolyn Kruse. She is a sweetheart. I was sad to see Lori Grande, Keith Stephens, JW, and Steve Kelly leave. I don’t know if they were fired or left voluntarily because their contracts were up. We’ll probably never know. I know a lot of their fans were hurt. I know that if Kruser leaves, I won’t listen to the station anymore, which will kind of stink because I won’t know new music coming out from new artists. I follow a lot of my favorite artists so I keep a float with their new stuff. But the others, like Cam, I would probably miss if it weren’t for the radio. I found out Cam came out a couple of years ago. She had a Grammy for her song Burning House. I never knew that.

feeling off and other things

Feeling off and other things

I woke up in the middle of the night, again. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so stayed up for a couple of hours. I went back to sleep some time around 5. My med alarm went off around 0730. I shut it off but didn’t take my meds. I just laid there and fell back to sleep. Then my mother called to put on her socks. I took my meds and went to her room. It was a little easier to put on the socks today than it was yesterday. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to snooze for a bit. I was really tired.

I wanted to make pancakes and burritos. I started with the pancakes. They were good. I only made two of the four I made. I’ll probably have them tomorrow morning. I never made the burritos as I got really tired and dizzy like I was going to pass out. I told my mother not to call me for dinner as I wasn’t feeling well. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was dizzy and just out of it. Probably because I’ve had no sleep.

It was cold in my room and it took forever to get comfortable. I kept having to adjust my blankets. Then when I got comfortable, my pain spiked. For some reason, I got intense pain near my malleolus that made me cry out. I had such intense suicidal feelings. I felt like another 2 months was too long. I wanted to do it now! I don’t care. I can’t take this stupidity anymore. I had just taken a strong pain pill so after a while, the pain went away and I was able to sleep. I didn’t sleep long. My bladder was threatening to explode so I got up. I was still feeling awful.

I had dinner and watched the rest of the Sox game. We won 3-1. We still have the best record of 13-2 so far. I think it is quite amazing. I still want to go to a game before I die. I want to sit in the seats in the bleachers, section 37. I think those are the best seats because you can see the entire field and scoreboards. I want to be in the first few rows though, not up in the stands, only because of my mobility issues. I know the tickets will be expensive. I think when I last looked they were like $60 or more, depending where you sat. And that was just for one ticket! I remember when they used to be $8 for the same seats!

After I had dinner I was still feeling crappy so went up to my room. I did my med box for the week. I tried to settle down but pain once again shot up. I am so damn tired. I really want to sleep at least 6 hours straight with no interruptions. This sleeping every few hours shit has to stop. I don’t know why I am sleeping so lousy. Yes, I am in pain and that has been the main reason. I think being up most of the day yesterday really messed me up. I don’t like being up in the middle of the night either. I thought for sure I was going to sleep through the night because I was up all day. HA, that was a joke. Maybe I will take some mirtazapine tonight so it will knock me out. The Neurontin I think hasn’t been too effective in putting me to sleep. I also think it might be causing the dizziness because I am not sleeping it off. I won’t be taking it tonight. If I feel better tomorrow, then I can probably say the Neurontin is causing the dizziness for some reason. I don’t know why as I have been taking it for years at relatively the same dose. I only took 600 mg last night instead of 900 mg so not sure why I am so fricken crappy.

Other than seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, I have no other appts this week. Tuesday I need to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts for my meds. I was thinking of getting my haircut but I am still on the fence about it. Depends on how I feel. I want to take a shower tonight. I think I will after I take my night meds. Maybe that will help me feel a little better.

just so tired of it all

Just so tired of it all

I tried to stay off my ankle most of the day but it’s next to impossible. I didn’t wear the boot while in the house. I was in pain but it wasn’t bad until I took a nap. Now it’s excruciating. I am just feeling really depressed today. I don’t want to do anything. I half want to email my psychiatrist that I am doing poorly, but what is she going to do? There is nothing she can do. I am tired of reaching out and getting no where.

I sent a message to my doc last night for clarification about my ankle bones. I still haven’t heard anything. Now I am wondering if I will. I don’t get what is the point of sending them messages if they don’t respond. Just annoys me.

I am going to try and go to the grocery store tomorrow and get the stuff I need to make the chili cornbread casserole. My barbers want me to make it again. I would have gotten the ingredients yesterday but I was hurting too much.

I’m not sure if I will hear the game tonight. Last night was explosive as they got into another fight. They haven’t announced suspensions yet but probably will later tonight. The media keeps saying the “rivalry” is back. So stupid. I don’t know if I can stay up for 3 or 4 hours. I am so tired from being in pain and just dealing with the depression. I don’t know why it is hitting me so hard this month.