Tag Archives: mental illness

Another depression episode is coming

Another depression episode is coming

Yesterday I was starting to feel symptoms of depression. Feeling worthless, everyone hates me, loss of appetite, feeling guilty over nothing, etc. Today I felt more of the same as I was riding the bus to my physical therapy appointment. I just didn’t want to go. I thought it was pointless. I just feel so tired. My legs hurt because I had to make a lot of trips up and down the stairs today. My brother in law needed to be let in because he forgot his keys. Then my mother had a nurse come. I was so aggravated. I just wanted to sleep.

I got to PT and the PT notices my swelling has gone down. I hope so because I have been icing it a lot. Not I got to work on the muscle to help bring it down more. That hurts. I have one more session with her before the Pain Program starts. She said that I could come back if I needed to for anything PT related. I said okay. I know there will be something I will need PT for. And she is a good therapist. I like her a lot.

I had to wait for the bus back to the station. It was really cold out and the wind made it colder. I had my music but there was nothing I wanted to hear. I have like 2,000 songs and I couldn’t decide what to listen to. I was listening to Pearl Jam and I love listening to their music when I am in a bad mood but this time, I wanted something else. I looked over my playlist and there was nothing to suit me. I ended up taking my headphones off and trying to snooze on the bus.

I came home. My new OtterBox came. I also went to Walgreens and picked up some stuff for my roommate. I hope that solves the problem. I also need to clear the area where the window is so my brother in law can take the AC out. I don’t think we are going to have an Indian summer. It is going to be cold the next few days. I think days of shorts and T-shirts are over. I hope my brother in law puts in my screen for the window. I like to keep the window cracked a bit so my room doesn’t get too hot. I had to do that last winter and it worked. I didn’t overheat. I like my room cool anyways.

My thigh is pretty sore from where I gave myself the shot. I had to put a lido patch on as it was really sore after all the stair climbing. Red Sox won last night. It was another nail biter but I slept through most of it. I kept getting messages about it, which kind of pissed me off as I was trying to sleep. I didn’t want to put the do not disturb on as I wanted my alarm to wake me in the morning for my meds. I actually woke up before the alarm this morning, which was good. I didn’t have to leave until 1215 to catch the bus for my appointment.

I made the Guatemala coffee. It was strong and bold. I really liked it. Wish I had time to finish it but I didn’t. I had some of my pumpkin cake for my breakfast. I have half of it left. If I remember in the morning, maybe I will take some with me when I meet up with my friends. They may like it.

Sox Win Game 3

Sox win game 3

Another nail biter. My favorite (okay one of my favorites) hit a grand salami that sent Houston fans to the exits. Sox won 8-2. A grand salami is a grand slam which is when the bases are loaded and the batter hits a home run scoring 4 runs (those on the bases and himself). I love this game. It was hit by Jackie Bradley Jr. who has struggled at bat more times than I can count but has come up big when he is hot, and he has been. I always say “take that haters” because a lot of fans and others didn’t want him on the team, especially when they were looking for good hitters but he is an invaluable center fielder and saved more runs than anyone I know. He is an all around good guy and I hate the hate people give him because he isn’t a power hitter.

My foot has been hurting me throughout the game. I went out today. I gave my barbers some of the pumpkin cake I made. Then I did some shopping. I meant to buy burgers but forgot! I also forgot my food stamp card so I had to pay for my food. UGH I didn’t want to do that. I bought most of the ingredients I needed for at least two recipes. Now I just need time to make it, which most likely will be Saturday. I also will be placing my grocery order Friday. I knocked some stuff off as it was approaching almost $200. I went nuts buying stuff. I hate being on my phone when I can’t sleep because I go mad on the shopping carts. But I don’t buy them. They just stay in the cart until I have a clearer head. Not so much with Amazon. I bought two albums last night. I think it was two. No it was one album and a book by Neil Gaiman. I almost went nuts with books by Neil but I restrained myself. I don’t know how, but I did. I still want to buy David Nail’s new album. I might buy that tonight to listen to. Last night I bought Tim and Faith’s album. I can’t believe it came out but there was nothing about it coming out. UGH. I follow Tim and Faith on social media but it might be that there wasn’t a big review on it or something and it got buried with all the shit the Orange buffoon does. I muted a lot of political shit I was following because it was just stressing me out. I tweeted to vote blue and some guy asked why. I wanted to ask him has he been awake the last 18 months or so? Like seriously. UGH people are trolls. If he was not from the states I can understand but most that ask stupid questions often are trolls and I’ve learned, as hard as it is, not to respond. They go away and you don’t ever hear from them again.

I put ice on my right foot because it was bothering me. I accidently put it up against my left to hold the pack there and when I realized that wasn’t smart, I put a shirt in between my feet. UGH. I got my new therapist appointment tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I hope it isn’t for nothing but when I think of the hassle of getting there weekly, I kind of hope that it doesn’t work out. If he is a good guy and he is willing to help me with real shit not just listening to me, then I can deal and it will be worth the hassle. If it does, I’ve decided to just email my therapist I see now and end things. I don’t think he will care either way. I missed three appointments with him and he hasn’t asked why or how I am doing or anything so fuck him for me coming in and saying we are done. No point in paying him for another session.

I have shot 2 tomorrow. I might write two posts tomorrow. One will be about my transition and the other just my general daily post. I might combine them. I don’t know yet. Maybe not as I want to write about how the appointment with the therapist went and the transition one. I have everything set for tomorrow. I know there is enough for three shots but probably not 4. I got to get one of the biohazard things for the needles. They sell them at Walgreens for like $7.50. I have no idea the cost to send them to dispose of them.

I haven’t seen my roommate. I think I am going to get the stuff on Amazon as I don’t think Walgreens sells the stuff I need. I will get the peanut butter from the grocery store. They love peanut butter. Damn rascals ate my powerbars that had peanut butter in it the last time we had mice. I know he is still in my room because I hear him. Things are moving and rustling.

I got a text from my mail order prescription. I sent them an email saying I didn’t get one of my blood pressure pills. I looked every where for it and couldn’t find it. I sent the damn thing and then fucking found the bottle under some bags on my bed. Fucker. So they are sending me more pills. Lovely. I am stocked for 180 days. Whoohoo. Ugh. I tried to stop it but it has already been shipped out. That will save me when I have to pay for my meds again in January. I am glad I called because the number I had was wrong. It was some federal number. Weird. My insurance is going to go up next year. I have no idea how much. Last year it was $26. But I need it for my prescriptions and dental. I need to make an appointment for my dentist. One tooth is bothering me. I am sure it is the one that the dentist didn’t want to drill. He just gave me a toothpaste to use at night but he doesn’t understand chronic pain life. He is lucky I brush my teeth once a day. It is very rare I brush twice a day. But I take my meds with Powerade so I don’t gag. I can’t take it with water. I have tried. The pills melt faster and if I can’t swallow in one go, forget it. I am throwing them up. So Powerade it is. I know it probably isn’t the best choice but it works for me. Also water in the morning makes me sick. I can have it any other time of day but cannot take it until after I have woken up and eaten or drank something like coffee. I bought two things of coffee today. Pike and Guatemala. I haven’t tried the Guatemala one so no idea if I will like it. It is medium roast, which is what I like. I will try it Thursday.

Pats and Sox win!!!!

Pats and Sox win!!

Sox won. OverPrice would have had his first postseason win but they pulled him in the 4th inning. I don’t remember why as the fucking announcers were going on and on about some shit that I couldn’t follow. At one point, I lost track of the game because my favorite announcer was being shut out from speaking over the two other bozos trying to analyze what was happening while the umps conferred with one another over whether the batter got hit or it was a foul ball. I was so damn mad. I don’t watch the game as it is painful for me to sit for 3-4 hours and even though I was in my bed, I was hurting big time. I had this stabbing knife pain that felt like with each stab was trying to pry my ankle joint open. Now the top of my foot is hurting because I had it under the blankets but apparently they were too heavy. I just had the blanket (1) and sheet (1). I don’t understand CRPS even though I have had it for 8 years now.

My friend texted me the last 3 minutes of the Pats game. They won by 3 points. Brady did his thing. It was awesome, I am sure. I wish I could watch the games but like the baseball games, I just can’t sit that long anymore. I just hurt too much. I can’t listen to football games because I have no idea what the hell is going on with yards and shit. I just know when they get first downs and that is all I care about. One of the Pats players, who was hurt earlier in the season, is now out with a concussion. He is a good player. I hate to see him out.

One of the Sox pitchers in the hospital for a stomach illness. I hope the rest of the team doesn’t get it. That would be dreadful this time of year with the playoffs and stuff. He didn’t pitch too well last night so wonder if he was sick and just played through it.

I am hurting so bad. I saw my roommate. But he disappeared after I scared him away. I haven’t seen him since. I keep looking out for him so I can take a pic. I can only show it on Twitter as my sisters would freak and blame me for having a mouse in my room, like I invited him or something. They get ridiculous.

I am glad both Boston teams won today. I was watching the score of the football game as I listened to the Sox game. I got worried when Kimbrel was in the top of the 9th inning as there was a 3 run lead. He knocked it down to a two run lead and I nearly lost my shit. Then he got a fly out with the next batter and game over. I was happy then. Just wish this pain was down. I took my breakthrough med at 11 pm. That was two hours ago. I think this is nerve pain so that is why I took some gaba. I also took some fiber pills as I haven’t had a bowel movement in three days. I hate that I have to keep on top of this or I get back up real quick and it takes dynamite to go.

In two days I have shot 2 of T. I hope that I have some changes. All that I have noticed since stopping the female hormones is stupid vaginal stuff that I fucking hate and is yucky. But no bleeding and crossing fingers, hope that continues. It only has been a week so still early to tell. All evening, I have been moving my head up and down to see through my glasses to read shit on my phone. I think I am going to get new glasses because this is ridiculous. I don’t know if it is because the lenses are smaller than my other frame or what. It is just annoying.

I don’t know how I am going to sleep with my foot not under the blankets. I have not been successful with one foot out. It gets cold and I have to have it under. Nerve pain is so damn annoying. I am getting tired from meds. But my foot pain hasn’t calmed down enough for me to move it. I am so damn aggravated. Temps are going down tonight. It is already 44 degrees, a ten degree drop from earlier today. Going to be cold most of the week. Thursday when I see my PT it is going to be 40 degrees, but that might change. Least there won’t be rain this week. I can deal with the cold as long as there isn’t precipitation.

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Last night I wrote a blog about my frustrations in therapy. I basically have until Sunday around noon time to either cancel my appointment with my therapist or not. It still is in the air. I know that I should talk to him but I feel like I have been down this road so many times that it just doesn’t go anywhere. Yea, I could be wrong. He could be kind and open about what I am saying and see where it goes from there but past experience tells me that will be for that session and the next session will be as if we didn’t talk at all about how I feel. I am tired of always going into that situation. So today, even though I didn’t want to, I made a few calls to some therapists asking them if they were taking new clients. So far, I haven’t had a callback.

I went to PT and she didn’t like the pocket of swelling that was around my foot. I need to be putting ice on it and doing the stretches/exercises she has given me. I also sort of need to pump my ankle before standing up or stretch it but that is going to be kind of difficult with getting off my bed because it is so high. I will figure it out. We didn’t work on my left thigh. She had given me some exercises for that but my damn CRPS ankle/foot has been so bad because of the damn weather changes, it has been hard to do. It was easier with my right because I didn’t have the pain. I did one exercise last night and felt better but I think the other ones need to be done. I am going to try doing them tomorrow before I get out of bed as you need to be kind of laying down anyway for it. My pain is not bad (usually) in the morning. I need to get my thigh pain sorted because next week I need to potentially give my T shot in it. If it is not up to par I will use my right again but I want to try my left and see how it goes.

Pain has been okay, so far, except for my right foot but hopefully that will get better as time goes on, if I do what I am supposed to do. But I just feel like everything is a hassle lately. I haven to figure out which thigh would be suitable because there isn’t a nurse I can go to that can inject it for me. I have to somehow keep myself from a downward spiral because baseball season is ending. I always get into a deep depression this time a year and it takes months to recover from it. And finding a new therapist that isn’t going to be an asshole when I bring up suicidal stuff is going to be tough. My PT said she was going to get in touch with her therapist for recommendations. I have no idea if they will pan out. It is like I have to do the work, again, for my care after just working out the pain meds. Makes me want to give up and just say fuck it but I don’t want to spend five years with this guy if he isn’t going to help me. Tomorrow I see my PCP so that is going to be fun. Another early morning appointment so I will be lucky if I have enough brain cells to talk to him. If I have to give yet another damn urine for a tox screen there is going to be a problem because I’ve given three of them this year when I thought it was supposed to be a yearly thing. And if that has changed, um, why didn’t they let me know?? Not saying I take other shit that I am not supposed to but come on. I just feel like they are a waste of my insurance’s money, especially when those with substance abuse disorders don’t get tested at ALL! But that is another write up for another day.

World Mental Health Day

This is going to be negative but I don’t care as it is my lived experience: I’ve been in therapy since I was 15 because I self-harmed. Seen a wide range of therapists from social workers to psychologists to psychiatrists. Most have ended treatment with me for various reasons. I am now on therapist number 14. First 6 months I didn’t think I was going to stay with him. He is a psychologist with supposed experience with trauma and suicidal ideation. He took me on knowing this. Now since the MeToo, I’ve been having intrusive memories. I tell him about it and he shrugs. Seriously? Why am I seeing you if you don’t know how to deal with trauma when you said you had training? I feel like the system has let me down, yet again.

Before I even saw him, I must have talked to at least 5 different therapists. None would take me on because of my suicidal history. I thought I could shove it aside and just have this guy because he returned my call and wanted to work with me. Now it is a year later and I am finding it so difficult to deal with him. I am once again looking for therapists and I am wondering why. I live in a large city. There shouldn’t be just 1 therapist in my 5 mile radius that deals with suicidal histories. Suicide is its own can of worms. I understand from a suicidologist standpoint. Not everyone is cut out to deal, it isn’t taught in school yada yada. I get it. But where is the compassion in therapy? Are too many good therapists burned out? Am I ever going to find someone to help me through suicidal crisis and chronic pain and all the other shit I deal with? Or is that too much because I don’t follow god or help myself?