Random thoughts 14082020
I’ve had a productive day as I have been up since 4 am. I woke up wicked thirsty and then couldn’t go back to sleep after I drank the Powerade. I’ve been thirsty pretty much all day for some reason. I finished reading the Bell Jar. The book was about suicide and it was pretty graphic at times about it. I am glad I finished another book. I am going to read Dan Rather’s “What Unites Us” next. I started it a little while ago but never went back to it.
After reading the book, I still wasn’t tired so I made an appointment with my barber to get my haircut. I still haven’t showered yet but I think I will as it has cooled off some. I shaved with my electric shaver so I don’t have to again with the razor. There are some spots that aren’t as close as I would like. I will get them tomorrow when I shave again. I want to use a different razor than the one I have been using.
I had therapy yesterday and made some progress in some things. I figured out that she cares about me and wants me to go back on my medication. She was very adamant about this. She said that once I was on a stable dose of my meds I stabilized and she doesn’t want me to destabilize now. The voices are ramping up but are not bothersome. She wants them to be squashed now before they get out of control in a few weeks time. So I told her I would get in touch with my psychopharm and get back on meds. I am taking just 3 mg of paliperidone again. I hope it works to keep the voices in check. I was taking 9 mg before. I just hope I don’t get side effects like I did before. I told the psychopharm I want the smallest dose possible rather than mid to high range dose. I don’t want to experience what I did a few weeks ago. It was awful and I don’t want to feel that way again.
I got cramps this evening and I don’t know why. They just started a few minutes ago. I hate feeling them because I don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder. I am starting to think of getting a hysterectomy so I will know if it is my bladder or not. But I am scared because that means another operation. I am going to talk to my pcp about it when I see him next.
My back has been spazzing all day. I have been taking muscle relaxers but they don’t seem to do anything like they used to. I hope the Ativan works better. I am so fricken tired all of a sudden. I guess my gas has finally run out. I will be going to bed soon and hope I can sleep. I am in pain but it is manageable right now. My foot and ankle are always hurting but lately they have been hurting more. Last night was terrible. I had to take gaba to help quiet things down. Hope I don’t have to take it tonight. But I might as the pain is getting weird. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up like last night.
Ankle pain and other things
Ankle started acting up around 2000. I just came back from the bathroom. I ignored it a little bit but in the end I had to take something for the pain. I couldn’t concentrate it was so bad. I couldn’t read Twitter and learn of the announcement of the VP choice by Biden. I am so happy for Harris. I really like her. She is tough and I think she will make a good VP if elected. I am so fricken worried with the electoral college going to the buffoon instead of who it needs to go to. I hate the electoral college. It’s archaic and should be done with. The popular vote should count. It is all we need. I hope when Biden is in office the college is dismantled.
Sox are sucking tonight. The Rays have scored every inning so far. Pitching sucks so bad. But then we got rid of all our good pitchers and haven’t replaced them so we are just working with those that haven’t been in the big league level before. We got a pitcher but then he went to the “alternative” site for whatever reason. I don’t understand why that happened. He should have made it to the majors. But I am not the GM. I hope he will get called up soon. We need fresh arms.
It hit 90 by the time I got up at 1400. I slept late because I was up in the middle of the night to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I did get up around 0930 to take my morning meds. Then I went back to sleep. I got a text from the pharmacy that my meds are ready. I asked my niece to pick it up but she didn’t so will have to go tomorrow. My mother and sister made chicken cacciatore so I had some of that for dinner. It was a bit thick because my sister didn’t put enough water in it but it tasted good. It will be really good tomorrow as leftovers.
Pollen count has been high the past two days so I have been suffering. My nose was so itchy yesterday and I had the sneezes that never end. Today was more of the same. My nose is so sore from wiping it all day. I hope the count is lower tomorrow when I go out. Grass pollen I am allergic to in this area so I much rather avoid it if possible. I go into my kitchen and sneeze when I am in my room away from the pollen. I hate summer so much. I hate the heat and humidity more than anything. I am grateful I have a somewhat working AC. I need a new one that is energy efficient. I want to get a smart one so I can turn it on through my phone when I am out and am coming home so the room is cool. They are expensive though.
I talk with my therapist tomorrow. She is on vacation next week. A friend asked what will I do if I start having a hard time while she is gone. I told her I have hotlines and the emergency room as my only option, which means I am basically on my own. I rarely use the hotlines and won’t now that I know they will call the cops on you if they think you are serious about being suicidal. No thank you. There is one that doesn’t call so I might call that one. I just hate they don’t have a text number. I would have to actually talk on the phone, something I don’t like doing much of. I will get through whatever crisis on my own. I always do.
Monday’s thoughts 10082020
I am wearing my old Sox hat hoping it brings them luck tonight. I have been wearing it all day. I had therapy today and it was a tough session. My therapist is such a CBT therapist, which I like but I didn’t know how annoying they can be. She had me set a goal before we ended. I am to call depression a liar essentially. It is going to be tough to do because depression is deceiving. It tells me lies that I am a jerk and an asshole that has no base but I believe it because I feel so bad so I must be. I also feel guilty for no reason and worthless. I almost canceled therapy today because I felt hopeless. I knew my therapist wouldn’t allow it so I didn’t even text her. I was in a why bother mood. I did tell her I wanted to cancel because I was hopeless and she wanted to know why. She also wanted me to think differently but I couldn’t think of a way to do so. I am just not a cognitive thinker.
I am listening to the ball game. They are tied at 4 in the 6th. Sox were leading the game 4-1 but an error cost us some runs. Going to be a long night if they don’t score some runs in the next few innings. Update, Sox are losing 8-5 right now. It is the bottom of the 8th and I don’t think they will come back so I shut the game off so I can continue to write without being distracted.
I am having the hardest time writing tonight. I keep getting distracted. I am trying to stay on point but my brain is out to lunch. My therapist said that she will be off next week and I had some anxiety about it. I hope it is just a week she is off and not two because I really want to talk to her the week of my surgery. I am having so much anxiety about it. I also am getting cold feet about it. I have the choice to keep things the way they are but I will feel yucky all the while with headaches and fatigue when doing stuff like making a sandwich or taking a shower. I hate that I have no energy most days and that just walking to the end of the street and back leaves me winded. I am scared that after surgery I might be in worse shape than I am in now. I know there will be some recovery but fuck, I don’t want to feel that weakness I did in the beginning. Of course, there is nothing I need to be doing but resting and recovering. I have no job other than keeping this blog going. I will try and write if I am up to it while in the hospital but meds might not make it possible.
Ankle has been bothering me the past few hours. The ankle bone has been really sore and throbbing. I took my breakthrough med but it hasn’t done anything. I might have to sleep with a pillow between my legs. I find that it helps level things so I am not spooning my feet. I find that it helps. Only problem is that the pillow sometimes ends up on the floor in the morning.
New music Friday
My top favorite artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, came out with a new album today. It took some getting to buy as the Amazon music app sucks. I swear with each update it gets worse. I got the album and am listening to it now and there isn’t a bad song. My only complaint is that one of the songs has like a 2-3 minute music after the song ends. I hate that. It already has a minute intro.
I didn’t do anything today. I wanted to fix my bed as the foam topper is coming off but I still haven’t done it yet. I just am so damn tired from being in pain all day. Ankle has been rough all day and my back has been cramping for some reason. I am so exhausted and I have no reason to be. But being in pain is exhausting. It is so tiring. It just takes so much mental energy to deal with it.
I got a headache and I am not sure if it is because of the fluid or if it is the beginning of a migraine. I feel sort of nauseous so it might be migraine related. The pressure has gone up so I wouldn’t be surprised if it is a migraine. I will be going to bed soon. I can’t stay up as my eyes are so heavy. Trying to stay awake to finish this blog but it is so hard. I feel like I am in a cloud. I didn’t eat much today. I haven’t had much of an appetite.
I wanted to listen to Hamilton tonight and keep track of the Sox but I think I am just going to go to bed. I will listen the musical tomorrow. I might watch it again. It is a good show. Sox are playing the Blue Jays tonight. I hope they win. It will be the second game in a row they would have won. Their record right now is 4-8. I hope they get better but I am not hopeful as the pitching just isn’t there.