Sunday blog 23062019

Sunday Blog 23062019

I woke up with minor back pain that has only gotten worse as I moved around. My mother hasn’t been feeling good so I made her dinner and that was my breaking point. I can barely move and I can’t lay reclining on my back because my CRPS foot goes bananas. I am so uncomfortable. I did some more stuff today. I cleaned out a tub drawer that has come sheets in it. I washed them so I can put that back clean. They have been in there for quite some time so needed to be washed again.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Around 330 I was listening to blaring music. Apparently, I was hallucinating because no one else heard it. I had texted my nephew to lower his game. He said the neighbors were arguing. I told him about the music and he said there was no music playing. Fuck. I almost always become psychotic when I am really stressed out. Seems last night I was stressed. I was up till after 4. I honest have no clue what time I fell asleep. I woke up briefly when my med alarm went off but I didn’t get up to take my meds. I took them around noon when I woke up. I honestly didn’t want to but my bladder said I had no choice. I still get the feeling that I am going to lose control when I stand. And today with the back pain I had pain going down my leg. I immediately started having intrusive memories of when I had cauda equina syndrome (CES) the first time. This time is slightly different as the back pain is mostly on my left side where the pain is going down into my left leg. This is the same leg I have the CRPS. I hope I haven’t shifted a disc or something. I am hoping it is just sciatica and nothing more.

My sister was out of the house so I had a peaceful day. We barely spoke to each other when she came home. It was strained but polite. We were worried about my mother as her speech was slightly slurred. I can never tell if it is the beginning of a stroke or her sugar about to crash. The symptoms are similar and I get freaked out. I had called my other sister to let her know because I didn’t want her to come home with an ambulance at the door. Then she would have gotten mad that I didn’t call her. She got mad because I called her and she wasn’t home. WTF I can’t win with these people. I think I am doing the right thing and it is wrong.

My CRPS foot/ankle have been feeling like it is being stabbed since I got up. It was probably because of not taking my ER pain med in the morning. I have no idea why I didn’t take it before going to sleep like I usually do. Maybe I just wanted to get up to bake cookies. I really did want to make these damn cookies but fucking back said no. I could barely stand more than five minutes without it flaring up. I am sad I didn’t make them but I am at the hosp on Thursday so I can bring them by to my psych if I make them on Wed when I don’t have any appointments. I have three this week, my psych, PT, and the therapist.

I finally broke down today. I started sobbing and couldn’t stop even though I tried. I really hope I don’t ugly cry tomorrow. I really don’t like crying but this is so damn devastating. I am so fucking angry at the institution. We both got screwed by them in our respective departments. I got forced on disability and she got forced out because she didn’t want a lower position. I really don’t blame her. I blame the fucking place for kicking her out after 30 fucking years. The fricken profession is short of child psychiatrists and they kick out a good one?? Makes me so fucking angry. I half don’t want my care there anymore. Too many bad memories there. But I really have no where else to go just like my home life.

Because my back is almost out, I am not risking a shower. I set my alarm an hour before I have to leave so I can possibly shower. I hate that the appointment is in the morning but I guess it is better than later. I just started drinking. I had taken my pain meds and within a half hour, my MP3 player played Eric Church’s Mixed Drinks About Feelings. It hit me hard and I felt like having a shot. Then I wanted another. I might have a few more. Then I took my night meds. I am in a don’t give a fuck mood. I am in too much fucking pain to care if I get drunk. Honey whiskey is so damn smooth. Hard to just have one shot anyways.

more thoughts on my blog

More thoughts on my blog

A reader emailed me and I thought about what she said. This is my blog and last time I checked, calling someone stupid wasn’t breaking any laws. So on this note, I have decided to keep my blog open, not password protected. If that monitor person wants to continue reading my blog, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I do know that my stats seem to go up when I post so even if I don’t know who you are, I know you are reading.

I’ve had a horrible day so far. My middle sister has been cleaning my mother’s room. When I got out of my room to take a shower, she said that I had to go through my stuff so she can move her things there. I also had to move the stuff in the living room so she can also move her stuff there. I took my shower and found that the shampoo bottle that had a pump on it, she threw away because the bottle was empty. I was so fucking pissed. I called her an asshole and she got pissed. I don’t care. I am tired of her thinking she is the only person living here and has to make the house the way she wants it to be. I got really suicidal after our exchange. She just doesn’t realize how upset she gets me, like I don’t matter at all. Yesterday she left crap on the stairs, which made it hard for me to go down. I really don’t want to fucking fall and she doesn’t get that my balance is off. She also placed a bin right at the bottom of the stairway, which I kicked out of the way. I got so mad. I texted her, in a neutral way, and got no response. I have no idea if she has blocked me or what but every text I send her, she doesn’t respond to anymore. I sick of her shit. I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. After the disaster of a family meeting via phone, I really don’t know how to get through to the dumbass. Yet she has the audacity of calling me selfish. Such a projection.

After my shower, I made something to eat. My foot started bothering me but I still did what I had to do. By the time I made it back to my room, it flared up big time. My foot and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I so want to nap as I have been up since 0630 but I really don’t want to. Will be hard to anyway as there is so much light in my room due to my window being open. I have a hard time sleeping when there is light in my room.

Never had a nap. Just had dinner with my mother. I made hot dogs and beans. My foot wants to fucking kill me. I hate it when simple things cause me pain. You think I was walking miles. Speaking of walking, I really need to get my AFO (ankle foot orthotic) adjusted as my foot keeps slipping. I think I have a bit of atrophy plus with the weight loss, I don’t think it is fitting right. I hate that I gained about 10 pounds while in the hospital, mostly because I was eating three meals a day, but they were huge dishes. I tried to eat a salad with chicken or just a turkey sandwich but it wasn’t always possible because I would forget to fill out the menu for the next day. Sometimes I would skip breakfast as they served eggs at least every other day and I don’t like them. I rather make it. I am just picky like that. The rest of the days they had French toast, which wasn’t bad but it was filling. Since being home, I have been having much smaller meals at least twice a day. Yesterday I just had steak and then a protein bar because I was in too much pain to go downstairs to make something. I forgot how painful stairs were.

I got to fill my med boxes for the week. The doc in the hosp increased the Lamictal and I think it has finally improved my mood somewhat. I kind of feel like what I was before I was in the pit of doom. I am just more tired and on a “day” schedule. I went to bed early, or tried to before pain kept me up till at least 1 am. Then I woke up around 630, only because I had to pee. I am glad I woke up because I leaked. Both my pjs and underwear were wet as I didn’t wear a diaper. I bought a much comfortable brief style while in the hospital because they didn’t have a good kind. I should have brought my own but didn’t think I needed them. Now I know better.

Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens came out the end of May. I got it free because I am an Amazon Prime member. I downloaded the episodes to my Kindle, but I still haven’t watched it yet. I keep meaning to but pain has been a chief distracter. Usually watching a movie or something helps but I don’t have the attention span lately. I can watch short videos and then I get bored if it is more than 10 minutes. I think the only thing I can watch for longer is the Rachel Maddow show. I haven’t watched it in a long while because it was just annoying me. She seems to say the same thing in three different ways over and over. Then she goes on only to come back to the original question or point. I had to take a break and haven’t watched since. Maybe I will watch one episode of Good Omens later tonight, if my pain doesn’t get worse after I do my med boxes.

burst of energy

Burst of energy

I had slept through my alarm to go to PT. I only woke up when my PT called me wondering if I was okay. I had seen her before and she knows I don’t skip appointments without calling or emailing her why I didn’t show up. Once I was semi fully awake, I called the office and told them I slept through my alarm. My PT wanted me to come in sometime this week but all they had was morning times and I am not doing well with morning times so declined. They had an opening next week in the afternoon so I opted for that. I will have two sessions next week but that is okay. We can adjust if we need to.

I needed coffee. I made a cup, a big one, and had a slice of leftover pizza. I then went up to my room. I wanted to clean one corner of my room that I have been neglecting forever. I had started sorting through when I had an avalanche a few months ago but I just haven’t had the energy to do anything else but throw the mess somewhere else in my room. I have a bag of clothes that need to be washed and some shit on the floor that needs to be picked up and tossed. I found one boot but no idea where its mate is. It might be in the closet. Also found a dress shoe, its mate also missing. My back finally cried uncle so I stopped. When the spasms cleared and the pain subsided a bit, I went downstairs for dinner. My mother and I planned to have hot dogs and tater tots but I wasn’t going to cook. My back and foot would kill me and I want to finish what I started. I have a shit ton of boxes. I am going to keep like three to put the books on the floor in and then bust the other down so they will fit in the recycle bin. I will also get rid of my trash and recycles. I also need to bring the good will stuff to the bin a few blocks away. I found some clothes and things I no longer use. Once I can access the closet, there might be more so I don’t want to bring the stuff there yet. Once the rug is cleared, I will vacuum and then if I am able to move my heavy mattress, get vacuum up the dust bunnies behind my bed.

Yesterday I was sort of participating in BPD chat. We talked about DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I said that I had the binder that I was given when I was “forced” to go. Back then in 1999/2000 it was the “thing” for self-harm and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have BPD, but I had some traits at the time. I no longer do as I no longer meet any of the criteria. Anyway, last night I tried to get the bin under the bed that has the binder, I think. But my bed has sunk and I couldn’t get it out. I have no idea if the mattress and box spring sunk into the rug or the frame of the bed tilted because I am always on my bed.

My foot is already starting to be a brat. Last night after the football game, I was listening to music on my phone. I had to charge it so I placed the phone on my lower leg and OMG it set off fucking pain. The vibration from the phone traveled to my foot and it started vibrating. Then pain started and I didn’t go to sleep till after 330 am, hence why I missed my PT appointment. I wrote to my psych, like I always do when pain is bad. Think I told her my plan for killing myself. She didn’t respond with police at my door or a response to the email so not sure she found it concerning. I didn’t say specifics, I never do, but I do have some things in place for when I feel I can do it.

I haven’t heard from my TG doc yet. I do have my blood work back and I am so happy my hematocrit is up. This is your red blood cells and basically determines if you have anemia. I have always been around 30 but I am up to 36.5! I have never been that high before so the T is producing blood cells in my bone marrow! Maybe that is why I had a bit of energy to tackle my room. I just hope I can tackle the boxes. I have been meaning to for weeks now and they are still there. I want to break them down so they fit in the recycle bin better or at least can be tied up to put out on trash day. We’ll see. Will be a lot of work, but I can’t do that now as my back hates me. Standing and moving my upper body just hurts. Maybe I can sit and do it using the folding chair I have. Once I have that done, I will try to do the area in front of my bookcase and desk. I got to get rid of my old desktop. I had formatted it but never installed the drivers right so everything is huge. It is more than 10 years old. I know some computer places will take them for a fee. Might do that and also get rid of my old laptops that no longer work. I will gladly toss the POS in with it. Fucking waste of $300. For $400 more I could have the laptop I have now and not have a headache!

Saturday Blog 15 Dec 18

Saturday Blog 15 Dec 18

I just realized the month is half-way over and I have yet to change the calendar to Dec. Oh well. I didn’t sleep yesterday. I was up for about 21 hours since Thursday and then tried to crash when I got home from my psychiatrist appointment. Because I didn’t sleep and wake up as early as I wanted to, getting a urine sample proved to be impossible. After 2 hours, I left and the emailed my psych telling her I would drop it off Monday. She said the blood and urine had to be same day. Oh well. Next time, I won’t go to the lab unless I know I am going to pee because my damn bladder retention sucks! And it gets worse when it sees a cup or there are noises around. I just can’t relax to go. I tried and tried and nothing was working. I even went to another building’s bathroom and nothing! So hard. Then when I got home, it took a while to pee. I have been feeling off. I really didn’t eat anything yesterday except a protein bar at 3 or 330 am. I just wasn’t hungry. I wanted to have a burrito when I came home but I wanted to sleep, too. I had another protein bar and then took my night meds an hour early though I really didn’t get to sleep until my mother went to bed, like usual.

I was fricken freezing since I came home and could not get warmed up. I had to put the Red Sox throw on my bed. That helped. But then in the middle of the night, I had to take it off because I was fricken hot. I was able to go right back to sleep and then a couple hours later, I woke up with my bladder ready to explode. Oh now you work??!! It was 5 am. I went downstairs and then went back up. I checked my phone for messages and surprisingly, I laid back down and passed out again. I woke up again a few minutes before my morning med alarm. I took my meds and used the bathroom because my bladder was ready to explode again. I thought I would eat but I was too tired. My mother was cleaning out the back porch so the living room was a disaster area. I didn’t see her. I just used the bathroom and then went back up to bed. I wanted to make cookies but I fell back to sleep and then when I woke up, I was too tired to do anything. My stomach was bothering me, probably for lack of food. I went easy. I had some toast. Then made some ramen noodles and a cup of tea. I started sneezing in the kitchen after I ate. Some thing was making me sneeze but I have no idea what. I went back upstairs hoping to finish editing my book but was too tired. I took another nap. I was cold and hot off and on. My throat was hurting but it was okay swallowing. I think my mother stirring up the dust on the porch just set off my allergies. Or I am getting a cold. So much for testosterone causing energy. I haven’t had a decent sleep routine since the Sox won the World Series. I am either not sleeping or sleeping too much. If I was hypomanic, that would explain some things but I am not. I feel down most of the time. Maybe it is depression. I don’t see my psychiatrist until after the new Year.

After my psych appointment, I got my haircut again. I want to start shaving the sides and back again. When I am going to start this again, I don’t know. I wanted to start today but I don’t feel like it. I need to shower. One thing that might be gross to say is that my sweating has changed. I stink more now than I did before. I showered Wed and I smell like I haven’t in a week. I was so tired yesterday that when I came home, I didn’t even wash my hair so if there are hair clippings on my bed, I don’t care. I will try to shower tomorrow. I know I am just playing sleep catch up since I slept poorly yesterday and then was basically on the go all day. I left the house around 930 and didn’t come home till around 5ish. Long day on 3 hours sleep and no food.

I thought with the start of my transition and taking selfies, it would make me not think I am an ugly faced person. But I was going through my gallery of pics and all I kept saying was how awful I look in the pics, even with me semi-smiling. I was going to show off my haircut but I really didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t feeling well anyways. I would just look like a grump.