Saturday Blog 10102020
I slept most of the day. I was up at 230 again to pee and I had a hard time getting back to sleep. I have been so tired. My back has been cramping up most of the evening. I wanted to go food shopping but never got around to it. I figured taking care of my back was more important than shopping. I also wanted to drop my recycling off in the bins but I never made it downstairs. I will try and do it tomorrow.
I got my mail in ballot the other day. I still have to go to the mailbox to drop it off. I was going to go today but I fell asleep. I will try tomorrow. My legs have been feeling weak lately and I know it is because I am not doing much activities like I used to do. All this virtual stuff is really hindering my recovery. I have virtual PT on Thurs. I might cancel it because I hate it. I rather go in person. I am only having to have virtual for the first two appointments because my sister is positive for Covid.
I finished Medical Bondage by Deirdre Cooper Owens. It was a grueling book. I found it terrible that white male physicians and surgeons would pretty much torture slave women and later Irish women because they were poor and didn’t know any better. They were treated like they were the same, low lifes that didn’t deserve proper treatment and respect to their dignity. It was horrendous to read about this but it was beautifully written. I am reading Women’s War by Stephanie McCurry and it has some of the same horrors that women faced in the Civil War south. I am almost done with the book and plan on reading UnTamed next.
I’ve let my beard grow. I haven’t been shaving for the past week or so. I have new hair growth on my chin that I want to see develop. I probably won’t shave until next week. I want to see how much it grows in that span of time. I don’t want it to get unruly like I have let it go before. I want to shave it before it gets to that point.
The weather was nice today. I went on my porch for a little bit to catch some rays. I don’t stay out too long. It would have been nice if I went to the mailbox. I wish I had the energy to go. I was just so damn sleepy. I try not to sleep too long because it messes with my night time bed time but I slept pretty good. I swear I sleep better during day time hours than I do at night time hours. I don’t know why that is.
The Latuda has been working good for me the past week. I haven’t had any side effects but one which I need to talk to the pharmacist about. If it isn’t a side effect than my bladder is just being difficult. I am taking the Invega with it as my psychiatrist wants me to for right now. I am not taking 6 mg like I am supposed to but half that. I am not risking a double whammy of side effects because he didn’t feel comfortable stopping the Invega outright.
I had my groceries delivered today. I tried taking them up the stairs by myself but I couldn’t. I had to have my nephew help me. I did way too much and am now paying for it with back spasms and pain. I just hope I didn’t do anything to compromise myself. I am just four weeks post op. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I was stupid to think carrying the bags was a great idea. I was winded after my first trip up the stairs. Today was warm and muggy which didn’t help me at all. I was sweating like a pig.
I had a late delivery because it was the only time that they had open. I ordered my groceries late because I woke up late yesterday. I was glad there was still open for today. I am resting now with the AC going. I think I will take a nap. I haven’t eaten anything all day except leftovers. It wasn’t really filling. I don’t know what to order. I might order from a local sub shop and have a pastrami sub with fries.
Last night I printed off the skill sheet of DBT that my therapist gave me. I have been trying to do it but doing it in spurts. She never responded to the message I sent her so I am not that keen on doing them daily like she wants me to. I see her Thursday. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist. I had asked for a med increase and he wanted to see me so I agreed. Voices have settled down some. I still have the stupid music running through my head constantly. OMG it is all Hamilton music and it shuffles songs. I am tempted to listen to the soundtrack again to make it stop temporarily. Listening to music tends to hold off on it. It is driving me crazy because it repeats all the time from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed. All fucking day long I have music in my head. And it plays like I have the MP3 player going. It is annoying but no medication has helped settled it down. It kind of did when I was on a high dose of the Invega. I don’t want to be on a high dose again. Too many side effects that I don’t like. I will stay on the dose I am on now. If it doesn’t work then I will switch to something else. I don’t want to increase it.
I couldn’t find the sub shop so I ordered Chipotle. I haven’t had it in so long. It will be good to have some rice and beans with steak. I love their burrito bowl. It is my favorite next to their actual burrito. I might get it later this week when I get my haircut. I haven’t decided which day I am going to go. Might be Thursday as my therapy appointment is in the late afternoon. I can go in the late morning and still be home in time.
Trans issues 10
The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.
I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.
Random thoughts 14082020
I’ve had a productive day as I have been up since 4 am. I woke up wicked thirsty and then couldn’t go back to sleep after I drank the Powerade. I’ve been thirsty pretty much all day for some reason. I finished reading the Bell Jar. The book was about suicide and it was pretty graphic at times about it. I am glad I finished another book. I am going to read Dan Rather’s “What Unites Us” next. I started it a little while ago but never went back to it.
After reading the book, I still wasn’t tired so I made an appointment with my barber to get my haircut. I still haven’t showered yet but I think I will as it has cooled off some. I shaved with my electric shaver so I don’t have to again with the razor. There are some spots that aren’t as close as I would like. I will get them tomorrow when I shave again. I want to use a different razor than the one I have been using.
I had therapy yesterday and made some progress in some things. I figured out that she cares about me and wants me to go back on my medication. She was very adamant about this. She said that once I was on a stable dose of my meds I stabilized and she doesn’t want me to destabilize now. The voices are ramping up but are not bothersome. She wants them to be squashed now before they get out of control in a few weeks time. So I told her I would get in touch with my psychopharm and get back on meds. I am taking just 3 mg of paliperidone again. I hope it works to keep the voices in check. I was taking 9 mg before. I just hope I don’t get side effects like I did before. I told the psychopharm I want the smallest dose possible rather than mid to high range dose. I don’t want to experience what I did a few weeks ago. It was awful and I don’t want to feel that way again.
I got cramps this evening and I don’t know why. They just started a few minutes ago. I hate feeling them because I don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder. I am starting to think of getting a hysterectomy so I will know if it is my bladder or not. But I am scared because that means another operation. I am going to talk to my pcp about it when I see him next.
My back has been spazzing all day. I have been taking muscle relaxers but they don’t seem to do anything like they used to. I hope the Ativan works better. I am so fricken tired all of a sudden. I guess my gas has finally run out. I will be going to bed soon and hope I can sleep. I am in pain but it is manageable right now. My foot and ankle are always hurting but lately they have been hurting more. Last night was terrible. I had to take gaba to help quiet things down. Hope I don’t have to take it tonight. But I might as the pain is getting weird. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up like last night.