Follow up to previous blog about trauma and therapy
I sent the blog I wrote yesterday to my therapist and she read it before our session today. We talked about it and she explained why she is often “pushy” and one sided in her decision makings. We also talked about ways she could be more collaborative in therapy and more validating. It was a good session. We talked about meeting twice a week for a while and she was open to this.
I have been tired all day. I haven’t been able to nap though. I had two cups of coffee to try and get going. I wanted to change my sheets today but I ran out of gas. My neck hurt too much today to do anything. My ankle was also bothering me so I had a fair amount of pain. There were times when the pain got so bad I wanted to end things right then and there. I thought about sending my therapist a text about it but I never did. She wouldn’t like it. My jaw has been hurting me most of the day. I have been having trouble opening my mouth and my teeth hurt on the top row. I really need to see a dentist to find out what is wrong but I think it is because I am clenching my teeth that is causing me pain. I am under so much stress and tension in my upper body. I know it has to do with trauma and not feeling safe in my own home right now. Too much stuff is happening and it is making me so anxious and hypervigilant. Plus this week is an anniversary week so I am dealing with memories of my past. These memories aren’t intrusive, they are just there and sometimes with the leg pain, causes me to react with PTSD symptoms.
I have a lot of trauma growing up and it is why I have been so tense lately. It centers around my mother and sister. One is old and the other is fairly new. Getting used to living with my middle sister again hasn’t been easy. We fight a lot of the time and often I can’t stand to be around her because she is so quick to anger. She is not physically violent, thank god but she says hurtful things and that is hard to accept. My mother just violates privacy a lot of the time. I still am not over the childhood abuse she did to me. I’ve never talked about it because I am scared to. I think I have the right therapist to help me talk about it though.
Twenty years ago this week I was diagnosed with cauda equina syndrome. I had lost function of my legs due to a disc fragment compressing my nerves. I had to have a back operation to get rid of the fragment. I had to relearn to walk, which was tough. It took more than a week for me to move my toes again and gradually feeling and sensation came back. Strength took a little while longer. Then two weeks later I developed a staph infection and became really weak. I was really sick and it was difficult to walk at that point. I couldn’t go as far as I did before. It took a long time for me to recover. All the while I wasn’t working so had financial worries. I had to file for bankruptcy and that gave me some financial freedom for a while. It took me a few years to get back up to 40 hours a week. It took a lot out of me.
Tomorrow I have PT virtually because there is going to be a snow storm. I am not going out in it. I don’t care. It is going to suck because virtual PT is not ideal but there are exercises that can be done at least. Just sucks because I really would love for the PT to massage my neck again.
Shoulder soreness and sneezing
I woke up about an hour ago with my shoulder sore and then I started sneezing which really taxed my muscles. I had to take a Zanaflex to try and ease my shoulder. I have grocery delivery today and I want to try and take some of the stuff up. I had a pretty good night sleeping. I woke up a few times but was able to get back to sleep. I don’t know what my sister was yelling at my nephew about at like 6 this morning but WTF.
I have therapy today and I am sort of looking forward to it. I really want to talk about stuff that is bothering me. I also want to ask her how I can change my reaction to my family. I figure it won’t hurt to ask. I think this would be right up her ally. I am not saying that it is going to be easy to change. It will definitely take time.
I am having my coffee and writing in the kitchen today. I thought a change of scenery might help me write. But the brightness in the kitchen from the snow is making me tired. It is snowing out. I hope this doesn’t impact my grocery delivery. Probably will. I just want them to be safe. It is a light snow right now.
I had PT yesterday virtually. I got a few exercises to do in bed. I didn’t want to go out yesterday because the streets were messy with snow. It was a good session. I had to get rid of my zoom background because it was hard to see me in it. For some reason when you have the background, the area around you gets blacked out. I start the dry needling procedure tomorrow. I am kind of scared but hopeful it will help me. She said that I am a good candidate for it because of the trigger points that I have.
I am feeling really tired for some reason. It could be because of the Zanaflex. I am going to try and clear off my bed today before my groceries get here. I still need to brush my teeth. I was gagging this morning so I wasn’t able to then. I also need to fix my hair as it is so fricken wild. I got my haircut the other day and it looks so cool. I love it when it is buzzed. It doesn’t stay this way long though because my hair grows so fast. I need to trim my beard again. It is also getting wild. I haven’t trimmed it in a few weeks. I flip through trim and shave every day but I still haven’t done anything. I kind of like the beard because I don’t have to do anything. Unlike my hair, it grows slow.
I bought a new neck and shoulder heat pad with wheat and it is the best thing I have ever bought. I love the weight of it on my neck. It is really relaxing and helps my pain.
I woke up at 3
I woke up at 3am and am still up so I ordered breakfast. I am kind of hungry. My mother’s baby monitor alarm went off shortly after I woke up. She had to go to the bathroom and my sister was there to help her. I was supposed to watch her tonight but got a flare after an emotional response to my mother after she called me a “she”. I hate when I get emotional flares of pain. I hate that CRPS is so dependent on my state of mind sometimes.
I had the breakfast but couldn’t finish the 3rd burrito. It was cold and I was already getting full. I thought about making a cup of tea but didn’t want to stay in the kitchen. I wanted to try to get back to bed. So I am writing a blog to exhaust myself before trying to get back to sleep. I had woken up with back pain which is never a good sign. I took some Tylenol to try and settle it down. I really hope I didn’t so something to my back. I see the neurosurgeon next week and I wanted him to sign me off but I am not so sure he will now that my back has flared up. I have been doing more stuff lately so I can understand why my back is flared. The sneeze I had yesterday morning didn’t help. I felt like I pulled a muscle and that is what it feels like.
I have lots to do today. I need to clear off a space in my room so it is less dusty. I also need to change my bedding. My new foam topper should be arriving today. I don’t know when but I hope it is in the morning and not the evening. My hope is to put it on my bed and then watch my mother while it settles on my bed. I have to have it like that for at least 24 hours. So I can’t be on my bed at that time. I am going to need a chair to sit down because I can’t stand while doing stuff for long periods. That will definitely flare me up more. I really need to get stuff done in my room. My sisters want to replace the rug with a wood laminate. I don’t mind. I hate having a rug anyways. I just hope my bed doesn’t roll on the floor. I got wheels on my bed that have sunk into the rug. One of them have broken due to the weight of me and the bed. But they are cheap plastic wheels so I am not surprised. I hope I can remove them and just have a stopper instead.
The other day I had a phone call with the reporter that is doing a book on suicide. He is interviewing people from the study I was involved in last year. We have become good friends. He asked me how the partial hospital was going with it being virtual. I told him how it was and how distant you can be while being online. You really don’t make friends with the group members because there is no real interaction.
I had ordered my meds by mail and I receive one of the two packages. I should be getting the other one sometime today. I hope so because I am running low on one of my meds. I am surprised it has taken this long. I usually get them right away after I get the email that said they have been shipped.
I am constipated again so I just took some Miralax. Surprisingly, I haven’t had the soft stool that I usually get while taking it, which is good because that means no accidents. I have lost the control of loose soft stool. I can’t keep it in anymore. Hard stuff I can but if it is soft and mushy, forget about it. I think I need to take Miralax regularly for a few days so that I can go every day. I feel backed up when I don’t go for a day or so. I feel like I should take 1000 mg of magnesium at night just so I can go. I hate being constipated. It is the worst feeling in the world.
One thing I have noticed since going to partial is that my suicidal thoughts have gone away. I am not so suicidal anymore. But I still wish that I was dead. I haven’t actively planned anything in a while. I think that is good. I will bring it up in therapy on Monday. I haven’t heard from partial about extending my time. I hope they do. I am so anxious about this. I hope they approve it and will be sad if they don’t.
Saturday Blog 12122020
I’ve had a rough day. I can’t seem to get going. I woke up with hunger, which is unusual so I had some ramen noodles as that was what I was wanting. I got the download link to One Night Lonely with Mary Chapin Carpenter but I haven’t been able to download it to my phone so that my MP3 recognizes it. It is stuck in dropbox app and I don’t remember how to “free” the songs. I have to google it I guess.
I had partial yesterday and a meeting with the therapist which felt good to talk to him. He validated a lot of what I was going through and is willing to have a reduced schedule for me because of my pain. I will go three days a week and go to 3 groups. I haven’t decided if I will do that. I am going to give it one more full day to see how I do. It is tiring even though it is on virtual. I can’t say I am learning a lot because it is a lot of old stuff through the years being brought up once again, with the distress tolerance and wise mind and mindfulness. All DBT stuff I have learned before.
The therapist and I talked about how I was really feeling and I honestly told him how I felt. It felt good to finally tell someone that pain is again causing me to be so miserable. It was good telling someone that this might not work for me because of pain and he understood this to be a barrier in treatment.
I did have a good session with my therapist Thursday afternoon. She thinks trauma is the reason I get suicidal and depressed because I am not dealing with it. I thought about what she said and it made sense. I told her let’s work on it then but she thinks I don’t have the coping skills to deal with it right now. We are going to give a few weeks of partial a shot and then go from there. She is on vacation in a couple of weeks so it might not be until the new year that we work on this. I have no idea what it entails. I am tempted to read my “trauma and recovery” book that I got in college but I don’t know where it is right now. I think it is in the basement with my other books from my office. I just tried to find the book but it isn’t there so I don’t know where it is. I will just order another copy.
Trauma has been something I have stayed away with in therapy for a long time. It was something I never thought I needed to go through. Seems like now I got to face it and I am not sure I can do it. I just hope my therapist doesn’t refer me to a trauma specialist because I won’t go through with it. I don’t want to see two therapists for basically the same problem.
I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s folklore again. I want to get the new album but I have to deposit money in my account. I will probably do that tomorrow. My favorite song on this album is exile. It is a duet and it is so good. I have it on repeat right now.