So tired of the shore
I had a meeting with my psychopharm today. We went over the psychache psychometrics. She assessed my suicidality. She didn’t like that I am hearing commanding voices and my suicidal level was high. I told her this was my norm. She said if that changes to get in touch with her immediately. I told her I would.
I sent a message to my therapist last night and haven’t gotten a response. The voices are telling me that she thinks I am meaningless and don’t trust her. I should end seeing her. I am still feeling meaningless. The voices are really loud today and I am having trouble concentrating. Tomorrow I see the therapist and I am supposed to bring Shneidman’s needs with me. I thought of just bringing a print out of my blog on the subject but then I thought bringing the book might be better as it lists a better definition of the words than I could interpret.
Since before my appointment with my psychopharm, my ankle had started to act up. I took a pain med before leaving the house. Now my pain is beyond tolerable. I can’t take my normal stuff because I have an early appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I have to leave by 1030. I just hope that I remember to bring Shneidman’s book with me. I meant to put it in my bag today but I forgot it on my bed. I am glad I took a shower this morning (probably what set off my ankle) so I won’t have to tomorrow.
The voices have been really loud today. Last night they were obnoxious. I sent a message to the therapist but haven’t had a response. They are telling me I should kill myself, though they are not being too clear on how to do it. One is telling to do it this way and the other is just like take this bottle of pills. I am glad I don’t have those bottles near me. I want them to shut up but I know the only way they really will is by killing myself. I can’t put them on mute as they don’t have a mute button. I have five voices right now, 3 that are bad and 2 that are my normal ones. Sometimes there are six. I am glad the 6th one doesn’t come along too often. There is so much noise going on. I told the psychopharm I would only be open to taking trilafon. It is the only med that works when I need it. I don’t want to go on something else or increase the dose I am taking now. I don’t want side effects. It is bad enough that I am dealing with dry mouth from the nortriptyline and the bladder spasm medication. I won’t take that medicine tomorrow because I want to see if it is making the dry mouth worse. I hate dry mouth. I have to make sure I carry cough drops or hard candy with me at all times now.
This is a new song by Lady Antebellum called Ocean. It is such a good song. I cannot wait for their new album to be out as I know it is going to be kickass as every single that has come out has been superb. I love this group so much and I am SOO happy they got back together.
I saw the uro. The cath came out. She wanted me to find some new catheters but I didn’t like the selection the nurse brought in so I will stick with what I got. I probably could do with a longer one but as long as this one is doing the job, that is all I care about. After the appointment I was so drained. I went to Whole Foods for some Indian but they didn’t have any. So I just had some Chinese food that they had. The rice was good. I also had some shredded beef that was amazing. It wasn’t part of the Chinese selection but in the Spanish section. I love that they have different varieties of food to choose from. Now I am back on a timer/schedule for my bladder. The uro wanted to know what the neurosurgeon had said and I told her he thinks I might have a tethered spinal cord and I think surgery is going to happen. She said she would redo the urodynamic testing two months later to see if there have been any changes made to stop progression of the bladder problems. I told her that he wanted a family member and she said that seems to indicate he is thinking surgery. I agreed with her. I feel so screwed. I really didn’t want to have surgery next year on my back but seems like it is going to happen.
My mother and baby sister is sick. Hope I don’t get what they got because there are some nasty viruses out there. My middle sister was the first to get sick and I think she spread it. She will deny it though. I got the flu shot so hopefully whatever my sister and mother have, it isn’t that. I know my mother did not get a flu shot.
I think I am recovered from the horrible depression that has plagued me for most of this year. I don’t feel like that black cloud is holding me so tight anymore. I am not saying that it isn’t there. It is. I just don’t feel its presence as strong as I did. I am back to my baseline depression, which I guess is a good thing. I didn’t think I was ever going to feel like this again.
I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I did when I came home and I am 3 pounds less than I was the last time I weighed myself. I had gained like 4 pounds now lost 3. I will check it tomorrow but I don’t think it will be a big difference. I knew I had lost some weight because my PJs were starting to get loose and I have an elastic waistband! I might be a size smaller. I had just bought a bunch of new PJs in size XL. I do not want to buy new ones. They can slide off me, I don’t care. I ate today for the first time in what feels like days. I wasn’t hungry but I just made myself eat something. I still have no appetite. I don’t know if it is because of the depression or meds or what. With the nortriptyline and gabapentin, my appetite should be off the scale but it isn’t.
I love my uro who is always courteous and mindful about me being a FTM. She explained it perfectly to a fellow nurse what my situation was. I am so glad the staff are always nice about it. I really lucked out. One of the trans women I follow on Twitter just posted as this is the decade she is going to be her to her full being. It will be similar for me. I am out and on HRT. I am transitioning. If I have to have back surgery this year I hope I can also have top surgery. My only fear would be spread of CRPS. I don’t know what it will be like or if the surgeon knows about CRPS and removing the breasts. I know that I cannot survive another year with these things on my chest. They are depressing me so much especially as they are getting hairy with the hormones. It is so distressing. Sets off the dysphoria so bad. I hate being in the wrong body.
Boxing Day 2019 and other stuff
I went out with friends this afternoon. We had dinner and it was a really good time. My niece accidently kicked my bad foot twice and my foot reacted as if she hit it with a baseball bat. I saw stars and continue to see them.
The psychopharm sent me a couple of messages. I responded and said that I can give her a paper and a scale we can use to assess my suicidality. She is open to it. I am not sure how long she will do this for. I told her that my suicidality needs to be assessed from now on at every visit. She said in one of the messages she would be curious on days that I am not so suicidal how it is. My level of suicidality has been waxing and waning. I am just getting stressed out with my mother as she doesn’t like me fucking sleeping during the day. She doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night no matter how many time I fucking tell her. I had her on block for a while and I think I might do it again as I don’t want to be disturbed with her while I am trying to sleep. She wants me to “open up” to her. I told her that isn’t happening so forget about it. She got mad. I don’t care.
feeling low. I am dehydrated as there is little urine in my bag. I thought I drank enough (bottle and a half of gatorade) but I guess not. The catheter is really bothering me today. I see uro Tues and hope this comes out. The uro wants me to think about a supra pubic catheter. I don’t want to have surgery as I am scared CRPS might spread. I am having horrible bladder pains so I do hope the catheter comes out on Tues. I just can’t deal with it anymore. It is just making me more depressed. Found out my psych diagnosis has changed. I no longer have bipolar disorder. I have recurrent major depression with psychotic features. That fits me better. Though the psychopharm thinks I have persistent depressive disorder (formerly known as dysthymia). Either works for me as I am fucking depressed!!
30 December 2019
I never finished this blog so kept it and decided to just put in today’s date. I start off wanting to say things and then I just lose interest and lose my train of thought. I can’t send my therapist links to my blog anymore because anyone who accesses my record can have access to it and I don’t want that to happen. When I go back to texting her, I will. I don’t know when that will be as she said right now I am “unstable”.
I haven’t really eaten since Boxing Day. I think I just been living off of Ensure. I just have no appetite at all. I had two Ensure today at different times. I really don’t want to leave my room for anything if I don’t have to. I have the larger bag hooked up so I don’t have to empty it often and can sleep without worrying. I see the uro tomorrow and I was worried I wouldn’t as there was a problem with scheduling. They wanted me to come in earlier but I can’t because I have a delivery. I got the times mixed up so I can be there by noon if the delivery is here by 10. I plan on taking a shower when I get up so I can be as clean as possible. I feel dirty but my damn ankle is hurting so much along with me having back spasms that I don’t want to shower right now. I’m not sure if I will be placed on an antibiotic once the catheter comes out just as a preventative. I hope to go back to my “new normal” of cathing a few times a day. I don’t know if I will be able to go on my own yet. Won’t know until the catheter is out but I am thinking not as I have had zero urges. I am going to ask the uro about the bladder pain. If it is from the catheter, fine but if it isn’t, something needs to be done about it.
Saturday Blog 21 12 19
I woke up with the delivery people calling me. They couldn’t find a parking spot so canceled the delivery. Great. I had to call to reschedule it. My mother had a breakdown. OMG she got hysterical over the damn freezer not being delivered. I had four consecutive calls. And then because I had her blocked, she yelled at me to answer the phone. Neither of us could get a hold of someone. It’s a Saturday so no one was really there to talk to about this. Then my sister came home and she called me to say I should yell at the manager. JFC. Just let me alone. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I took my meds and noticed I didn’t take my meds yesterday morning. Great! I have no idea how I forgot. I am usually really good about taking my morning meds. Oh well, one slip won’t hurt.
I’ve been feeling exhausted all day. Pain was bad so I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I slept until 1430 and took a shower. I had hoped my mother wouldn’t say anything or ask if I called. She still thinks they could have delivered in another truck today. Yea ok. SMH. She doesn’t get that it wouldn’t have been possible. She wanted me to say this was an elderly lady. That sealed the deal of me not calling till Monday! Fuck. No way I was saying that. For a freezer? No way. Oxygen tank yes but an appliance?
I shaved before I showered though I left the goatee. I have decided that if my sisters and mother are throwing me a party for my birthday, I am leaving it and coming out as trans. I don’t care. My party my rules. I had no intention of turning 44. Providence intervened so now I do what I want. Besides, what is the big deal? I know who I am and the facial hair is coming in. I don’t see my aunts and cousins that often because I don’t go to parties anymore on my mother’s side. Well, actually I don’t go on my father’s side either, to be honest. My cousin’s daughter got married in Sept and I really wanted to go but it was out of state and there was no way I could make the trip. I sent her a gift anyway. All my little cousins are now adults getting married and having kids. Hell even my nieces and nephew aren’t babies anymore. Three are adult, the youngest is still a teen.
I was trying to get answers about how long this foley is to be in me. Turns out my urologist is on vacation until the 30th and she didn’t leave any notes on it. Wonderful. I feel so fucking depressed about this. If I ever complain about inserting a catheter again, please just shoot me. It will be a lot less painful. So I have this in me for almost two weeks. A friend invited me out for dinner and I declined. I just don’t feel festive or social knowing I got to keep track of what I drink and empty this sucker. I haven’t eaten today. I am sort of getting hungry but I am so bloody tired I don’t feel like making something to eat. Someone is in the kitchen. I think my sister is baking so I really don’t feel like going there right now. I was going to shred some zucchini for a bread I want to make. I will just do it tomorrow. I need to use up the zucchini anyways or they will go bad. I bought them Thursday on the way home. I want to give my therapist some when I see her Monday. I won’t see her again till after the new year. She will be gone 1.5 weeks. I think that is the longest time off since we started working together in June. Can’t believe it has been six months since I met her and also since I last saw my psych. I still miss my psych terribly.