shoulder soreness and sneezing

Shoulder soreness and sneezing

I woke up about an hour ago with my shoulder sore and then I started sneezing which really taxed my muscles. I had to take a Zanaflex to try and ease my shoulder. I have grocery delivery today and I want to try and take some of the stuff up. I had a pretty good night sleeping. I woke up a few times but was able to get back to sleep. I don’t know what my sister was yelling at my nephew about at like 6 this morning but WTF.

I have therapy today and I am sort of looking forward to it. I really want to talk about stuff that is bothering me. I also want to ask her how I can change my reaction to my family. I figure it won’t hurt to ask. I think this would be right up her ally. I am not saying that it is going to be easy to change. It will definitely take time.

I am having my coffee and writing in the kitchen today. I thought a change of scenery might help me write. But the brightness in the kitchen from the snow is making me tired. It is snowing out. I hope this doesn’t impact my grocery delivery. Probably will. I just want them to be safe. It is a light snow right now.

I had PT yesterday virtually. I got a few exercises to do in bed. I didn’t want to go out yesterday because the streets were messy with snow. It was a good session. I had to get rid of my zoom background because it was hard to see me in it. For some reason when you have the background, the area around you gets blacked out. I start the dry needling procedure tomorrow. I am kind of scared but hopeful it will help me. She said that I am a good candidate for it because of the trigger points that I have.

I am feeling really tired for some reason. It could be because of the Zanaflex. I am going to try and clear off my bed today before my groceries get here. I still need to brush my teeth. I was gagging this morning so I wasn’t able to then. I also need to fix my hair as it is so fricken wild. I got my haircut the other day and it looks so cool. I love it when it is buzzed. It doesn’t stay this way long though because my hair grows so fast. I need to trim my beard again. It is also getting wild. I haven’t trimmed it in a few weeks. I flip through trim and shave every day but I still haven’t done anything. I kind of like the beard because I don’t have to do anything. Unlike my hair, it grows slow.

I bought a new neck and shoulder heat pad with wheat and it is the best thing I have ever bought. I love the weight of it on my neck. It is really relaxing and helps my pain.

awake at 3am

I woke up at 3

I woke up at 3am and am still up so I ordered breakfast. I am kind of hungry. My mother’s baby monitor alarm went off shortly after I woke up. She had to go to the bathroom and my sister was there to help her. I was supposed to watch her tonight but got a flare after an emotional response to my mother after she called me a “she”. I hate when I get emotional flares of pain. I hate that CRPS is so dependent on my state of mind sometimes.

I had the breakfast but couldn’t finish the 3rd burrito. It was cold and I was already getting full. I thought about making a cup of tea but didn’t want to stay in the kitchen. I wanted to try to get back to bed. So I am writing a blog to exhaust myself before trying to get back to sleep. I had woken up with back pain which is never a good sign. I took some Tylenol to try and settle it down. I really hope I didn’t so something to my back. I see the neurosurgeon next week and I wanted him to sign me off but I am not so sure he will now that my back has flared up. I have been doing more stuff lately so I can understand why my back is flared. The sneeze I had yesterday morning didn’t help. I felt like I pulled a muscle and that is what it feels like.

I have lots to do today. I need to clear off a space in my room so it is less dusty. I also need to change my bedding. My new foam topper should be arriving today. I don’t know when but I hope it is in the morning and not the evening. My hope is to put it on my bed and then watch my mother while it settles on my bed. I have to have it like that for at least 24 hours. So I can’t be on my bed at that time. I am going to need a chair to sit down because I can’t stand while doing stuff for long periods. That will definitely flare me up more. I really need to get stuff done in my room. My sisters want to replace the rug with a wood laminate. I don’t mind. I hate having a rug anyways. I just hope my bed doesn’t roll on the floor. I got wheels on my bed that have sunk into the rug. One of them have broken due to the weight of me and the bed. But they are cheap plastic wheels so I am not surprised. I hope I can remove them and just have a stopper instead.

The other day I had a phone call with the reporter that is doing a book on suicide. He is interviewing people from the study I was involved in last year. We have become good friends. He asked me how the partial hospital was going with it being virtual. I told him how it was and how distant you can be while being online. You really don’t make friends with the group members because there is no real interaction.

I had ordered my meds by mail and I receive one of the two packages. I should be getting the other one sometime today. I hope so because I am running low on one of my meds. I am surprised it has taken this long. I usually get them right away after I get the email that said they have been shipped.

I am constipated again so I just took some Miralax. Surprisingly, I haven’t had the soft stool that I usually get while taking it, which is good because that means no accidents. I have lost the control of loose soft stool. I can’t keep it in anymore. Hard stuff I can but if it is soft and mushy, forget about it. I think I need to take Miralax regularly for a few days so that I can go every day. I feel backed up when I don’t go for a day or so. I feel like I should take 1000 mg of magnesium at night just so I can go. I hate being constipated. It is the worst feeling in the world.

One thing I have noticed since going to partial is that my suicidal thoughts have gone away. I am not so suicidal anymore. But I still wish that I was dead. I haven’t actively planned anything in a while. I think that is good. I will bring it up in therapy on Monday. I haven’t heard from partial about extending my time. I hope they do. I am so anxious about this. I hope they approve it and will be sad if they don’t.

Saturday Blog 12122020

Saturday Blog 12122020

I’ve had a rough day. I can’t seem to get going. I woke up with hunger, which is unusual so I had some ramen noodles as that was what I was wanting. I got the download link to One Night Lonely with Mary Chapin Carpenter but I haven’t been able to download it to my phone so that my MP3 recognizes it. It is stuck in dropbox app and I don’t remember how to “free” the songs. I have to google it I guess.

I had partial yesterday and a meeting with the therapist which felt good to talk to him. He validated a lot of what I was going through and is willing to have a reduced schedule for me because of my pain. I will go three days a week and go to 3 groups. I haven’t decided if I will do that. I am going to give it one more full day to see how I do. It is tiring even though it is on virtual. I can’t say I am learning a lot because it is a lot of old stuff through the years being brought up once again, with the distress tolerance and wise mind and mindfulness. All DBT stuff I have learned before.

The therapist and I talked about how I was really feeling and I honestly told him how I felt. It felt good to finally tell someone that pain is again causing me to be so miserable. It was good telling someone that this might not work for me because of pain and he understood this to be a barrier in treatment.

I did have a good session with my therapist Thursday afternoon. She thinks trauma is the reason I get suicidal and depressed because I am not dealing with it. I thought about what she said and it made sense. I told her let’s work on it then but she thinks I don’t have the coping skills to deal with it right now. We are going to give a few weeks of partial a shot and then go from there. She is on vacation in a couple of weeks so it might not be until the new year that we work on this. I have no idea what it entails. I am tempted to read my “trauma and recovery” book that I got in college but I don’t know where it is right now. I think it is in the basement with my other books from my office. I just tried to find the book but it isn’t there so I don’t know where it is. I will just order another copy.

Trauma has been something I have stayed away with in therapy for a long time. It was something I never thought I needed to go through. Seems like now I got to face it and I am not sure I can do it. I just hope my therapist doesn’t refer me to a trauma specialist because I won’t go through with it. I don’t want to see two therapists for basically the same problem.

I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s folklore again. I want to get the new album but I have to deposit money in my account. I will probably do that tomorrow. My favorite song on this album is exile. It is a duet and it is so good. I have it on repeat right now.

going to partial

Going to partial

I had a lengthy conversation with my therapist yesterday about partial hospitalization. She really wants me to go and think it will help me. I was cranky and irritable and that concerned her. I told her I haven’t been eating and she said that was concerning. The whole appointment was a concern for her. I told her I would get in touch with the social worker today about starting the program, which I did. I start Thurs. I should be getting a phone call tomorrow night about how to join as I haven’t received any web information. It starts at 9. Yuck. I think I just have two meetings that day, back to back. Just hope I can make coffee before the meeting. I have two meetings so far for Thurs back to back.

Yesterday I got tested for Covid. I am glad I scheduled the appointment as I was in and out. Otherwise I would have had to wait two hours to be seen. I am still waiting for my results. It was easy to get to and I am glad I was familiar with the area. After the testing, I went to Starbucks and got a Crème Brule latte. It was really sweet and I only got the 2 shots of espresso. I should have gotten three but it is ok. I know for next time.

I am feeling good today. I might shower and shave. My beard is a little on the long side and is irritating when I put my chin down. I think I might just trim it some so it isn’t annoying. I haven’t shaved it in over a month now. I like the results. Sucks with the mask no one can see it outside of the house. I love the feel of the beard under my chin.

I ordered a new calendar today and was not pleased the price went up by 10 bucks. I usually get it for 10 or under. But I like having a calendar I can look at a glance to check in what day is what. Helps me to keep track of the days much better than looking on my phone.

Tomorrow I have the dreaded urodynamic testing. I will be glad to get it over with. It isn’t a pleasant test but it is important. I just hope all is well and I can keep doing what I have been doing. It is a little tough sometimes because I know I still retain and the urge to go isn’t strong at times. Sometimes I will be sitting on the toilet and have to wait more than a few minutes to start urinating. That is so frustrating. Just when I am ready to say the hell with it and cath, I go. So it is worth waiting I guess. I got to figure out what time to leave my house. I think I will leave around 9 so I can get some coffee at Starbucks and maybe something to eat. I have been wanting to have their breakfast sausage sandwich. It is supposed to be cold tomorrow. I am just glad the building isn’t down the street from the hospital this time. It would have taken me forever to walk there with my back the way it is.

I got a lot of worries with my family right now that I wish I could talk about but I can’t. So hard having so much anxiety about this. It definitely isn’t helping the tension in my neck and jaw. I haven’t eaten anything today. I don’t know what I want to eat. I want to nap. Maybe I will be hungry after I have some sleep.