Random shit to say when you are in pain
I really wanted to make my Nantucket cranberry cake today but my ankle is just not cooperating and neither is my energy level. I am so tired from pain meds to keep the pain from spiraling out of control, which doesn’t help the energy or motivation to bake anything. I wanted to get it done today because my mother will be making pies tomorrow and it’s just a disaster in the kitchen when she bakes. There is not enough room for two cooks. Plus, we will need the same bowls and stuff so I should be able to make my cake some time tonight I hope.
I hate saying I am giving up because that to me sounds so final. I usually call Uncle and see if the mercy gods will oblige. But I called UNCLE and gave in to taking two pain meds, which most likely will knock me out before I take my night meds. If my mother goes to my aunt’s house in the morning, it will be the only opportunity I have to bake my cake. Part of me doesn’t want to do it but I bought the ingredients for it and if I don’t use them, it will go to waste. I called my mother and she has a few errands tomorrow to make so I will have the kitchen to myself for a little while. I just hope I don’t wake up too groggy.
Today didn’t start out to well. I woke up at 0530 to pee and then when I returned to my room, my ankle acted up. By the time I fell back to sleep it was around 7ish. And I have been sleeping on and off for most of the day. Only time I forced myself awake was when I had therapy this afternoon. It didn’t go well. She was in an anxious talkative mood and I just wanted silence. I really didn’t want the session to begin with but she refused to cancel, even though I tried early enough, before her blessed 24 hour rule. Tomorrow I am supposed to talk to her at the same time and I just don’t want to. I just don’t find therapy useful for me anymore. It’s been that way for a while now. No matter how many times I bring it up, she still insists on meeting. We don’t really “meet”, just talk on the phone, which used to be great but now I hate it. I do try and meet in person at least a few times a month if I am able to get a Zipcar.
I really hate being in pain. I need to take my night meds so I can go to sleep, though for some reason, instead of making me sleepy, they keep me awake. Sometimes I am able to be asleep by 2300. And other times I am not and I am up past midnight. It sucks because then I can get overtired. Then painsomnia keeps me up more. If the pain is really bad, I am usually then hit with suicidal thoughts and wanting to end my life very badly. But I am unable to do anything right then and there because I can’t walk. Being on my foot hurts so all I can do is stay in bed, in agony. Like today. For most of the day, I just been off my feet, sleeping, but the pain still persists. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate me.