Thanksgiving Eve 2016
I didn’t sleep well again, last night. I woke up before 0330. My check had come in so I bought my groceries and paid some bills. I had to get the groceries before 0400. That is when the computer system is shutdown for 4 hours and I wanted to get a Friday slot. If it wasn’t so early in the morning, I might have baked. I decided to wait until my mother left the house later in the morning. I went back to sleep around 0500 or so. I slept till 0800 and made coffee and breakfast.
While drinking coffee, I waited till my mother left the house before going back to the kitchen. After she left, I made the cake and cleaned up afterwards. My ankle was sore but I didn’t care. I knew I would rest a few hours as I had therapy and then I could go out to get my haircut and espresso.
Therapy was fun. We had transference and counter-transference going on throughout the session. I told her about the blog I wrote yesterday and she wanted to read it. I tried to get out of next week and that wasn’t going to happen. She wanted to do the SSF and I was against it. I told her the only way I would allow it is if she got trained, which she refuses to do. So fuck you to it. She has a brilliant suicide prevention tool at her fingertips that is so damn easy to use and yet refuses to learn how to. I don’t have the patience to teach her. She only cares about two points of the assessment and the rest is laid to waste. No, sorry, I can’t and won’t fill out the damn forms if you aren’t going to use the tool correctly. It’s a waste of paper. I won’t even give her the new forms because it’s just going to sit in a file to collect dust.
It really pisses me off that I go about finding this stuff to help ME out of the darkness and yet it’s all for nothing. I give up trying to bring in new material to her because she is so stubborn in her damn ways to see another avenue that might help not only me, but her other clients as well. I can’t be the only person in her practice who has thought of suicide. Maybe it will take my death for her to learn these things. I don’t know. I’m out of straws and I didn’t draw the short one or the long one.
I really wanted to tell her that I am struggling with my plan and that the bottle of pills I plan on using is getting dangerously close to me using whenever the fuckits hit. I keep picturing myself taking the bottle, not caring that tomorrow is a holiday. I keep telling myself just a few more days but then I think of my psychiatrist and the trust she has in me. It wouldn’t be right to end it and not call her first. But then if I call her, I am scared she will say hospital, whether I want to go or not. I had ample time to tell my therapist these things but I just felt it wasn’t worth talking about because of HER anxiety issues. I swear she needs some Xanax or Ativan but it’s hard to slip her one through the phone. It’s even harder to have these conversations when she just becomes a rambling lunatic after I say the words suicidal plan. So once again, I am left to deal with this shit on my own, like I always have for the past 30 some odd years. I have to laugh when they say “you’re not alone” with depression or when you are suicidal. But the fact of the matter is you truly are, in the heat of the moment, no matter where you are or what time it hits you.
After therapy, I struggled with the damn cover to cover my cake. I bought a disposable pan with a lid. I thought the lid would fit, isn’t that why they sent the damn lid? I tried this way and that and it wouldn’t fucking fit. My mother finally was able to get it to go on. By the time I was finished finagling the sucker, it was time to get dressed and catch the bus. I decided to get my haircut first. There was one person ahead of me so I had to wait. I didn’t mind waiting. This was a good barber that I feel comfortable with. We were talking while he was cutting and next thing I know it’s close to 1600. I was there for more than an hour and I still didn’t get my espresso. I had some time before the next bus so decided to get it. There was hardly any seats so I just got my drink and left to wait for the next bus. I was waiting for my mother to call me any minute asking what was for dinner but she didn’t call until I was close to home. She didn’t say anything about dinner and just asked if I could help her clean the kitchen. I knew I should have gone to the pizza place for two slices. Now I had to order food.
I ordered a burrito and something else. What that something was I have no idea. It was a fried chicken finger in a fried something and didn’t taste good. The burrito was good except it didn’t have sour cream and guacamole like I ordered. After I ate, I helped my mother with the kitchen. I washed stuff and dried them. Then my ankle was really starting to act up so I took a shower before it exploded. I didn’t finish washing the pans. I need to take another pain pill and relax a bit before doing that. By the sounds of the kitchen, it looks like my mother is doing the last three pans I left. So I can just relax now while my ankle explodes.