Sunday Blog 06122020
Another Sunday has passed through. Weeks keep flying; there is no stopping time. My birthday will be in seventeen days. I am not looking forward to it. I hate my birthday. I like my name day better. No one knows it and doesn’t give me grief about it. I blame my mother for the reason I hate my birthday. All because when I was 16 she threw me a surprise birthday at my grandmother’s house and I had to spend it with people I hated. I wanted to be alone and she didn’t want me to be alone. She is a real bitch. She knew I hated her side of the family. I still do. I want nothing to do with them at all.
I didn’t eat today. I have no appetite. I drank an Ensure so I have something in my stomach other than pills and Powerade. I had coffee and I didn’t even finish that. I am having a lot of pain on my left side of my neck. I took a couple of Ativan to calm it down with some Tylenol. I hope I sleep tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow morning so I can get tested for Covid. My sister tested positive yesterday. I have been staying in my room as much as possible and wearing my mask when I am not in my room.
I did my meds for the week. I really didn’t want to take the Latuda but I don’t want to suffer from withdrawals from it so I took it. I don’t want to take the citalopram either as it isn’t doing much of nothing too. I am not happy that these meds I am taking that are supposed to help haven’t. Least the voices are under control. I hope the psychiatrist doesn’t stop the med because of the mood and leave me hanging for a psych med for the voices. The whole reason I wanted to be on the Latuda was for voices not as a mood stabilizer, for fuck sake.
I am so damn tired. I hope I sleep tonight. My foot is bothering me but it isn’t excruciating like it has the past couple of days. I bought a glycolic wash that I plan to use once I shave my beard. It will be in a the next few weeks as I am getting tired of it. It gets long and then I want to shave it off. It is cold today. I still have the ceiling fan on because it gets hot in my room. I can’t stand it when it is hot. I like being cold in my room. I still have the AC in. It probably will be in year round as I haven’t bothered my brother in law to take it out. The weather has been warm like every other day so it is good that I have the AC in the window. The really cold winter weather hasn’t started. I am grateful for that.
Checking in and asking myself if I am okay?
Yesterday I had a meaningful conversation with my therapist about being “okay”. She doesn’t like how I manage myself because it is very slippery. She also said that I am high risk and that is something to be really worried about when I have bad days. She told me that most times I am hanging by a thread and I say I am okay but I really am not. I told her she should call it out more. She said that will piss me off and even though it will, I will try to hear it with an open mind.
So with this information, she wanted me to set a goal for the week. I couldn’t come up with anything so she suggested that I check in with myself and see if I am ok. I am to write this check in every day. Right now that seems impossible because it takes work to do this. I have many platforms to use to write in and I think I am going to do a little old school and new school. I am going to use the app Dario a try and then write in my therapy journal so that I have easy access to it when I see her again on Monday.
I just asked her how long it needs to be and her response was “as long as it needs to be”. That doesn’t fricken help me! I can write just one sentence and be done with it. I can be concise when I want to be and this is sounding like it is going to be concise for me. I might blog one day about it but it isn’t going to be the entire 500 words that I typically write. I don’t think I can write 500 words on if I am okay or not.
My left hamstring is bothering me again. I hate when it flares up as there is nothing I can do about it. I haven’t been successful in stretching the fucker out. I think I need to ask the PT how to stretch it out because I can’t seem to do it on my own. I just went to the bathroom and my back flared up with a spasm. I tripped over a step going back up the stairs and now my bad foot is acting up. I am in great shape today. OMG today has been bad with the back and spasms. I had to take an Ativan.
I got my urodynamic testing next week and I am really nervous about it. I know it will show a change as I am peeing normally again but I am worried it will still show that I need to take a pill to go because I still have retention. I might be able to get off the bladder muscle relaxer as I don’t cath anymore. I will ask. I just hope that I am not retaining urine after I void. If I do, I might need to cath to get it out. I really don’t want to go back to cathing. It isn’t fun.
Saturday Blog 28112020
I woke up and went to the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth because my sister was bitching about needing to shower. She couldn’t wait and I didn’t want to hear her so I will brush later. Maybe she will go out and I don’t have to hear her today. I came back to my room and my foot exploded. I am in a 10 out of 10 pain right now, 10 being the worst. I didn’t do anything but climb the stairs back to my room. I might have twisted it a little as there was stuff on the damn stairs to be brought upstairs. I don’t know. All I know is that I am hurting and I won’t be able to pick up my prescription today.
The concert last night was so fucking awesome. I don’t think I stopped smiling until I fell asleep a half hour before it ended, around 2130. I couldn’t help falling asleep. I was so relaxed. I slept through the night for the first time in forever. Encore is tonight so I will hear what I missed. Hopefully I won’t fall asleep again! I really enjoyed myself. I don’t think I ever enjoyed a concert so much. I knew all the songs except one and it is an album I don’t hear very often. The chat that went on was very cool. If a song was playing that no one knew there was some people that responded with the name of the song. It was so fucking awesome hearing her play her music.
I won’t be able to get groceries this month. I will just get my drinks and maybe something else but that is all. I will have to go to the grocery store to get what I need. I don’t really need anything except for the drinks. I am running low.
I need to shower today. If the bitch sister is out, I might shave as well. Depends how the foot pain goes. I really need to shave. But if I can’t, a shower is more important. I just want to go back to sleep. I am so tired and I just woke up. I hate when you feel tired when you wake up. I need coffee. I have been switching it up, drinking between Newman’s Own, Starbucks breakfast blend and Pike. I have been drinking solely coffee since I don’t go to Starbucks anymore for my espresso. I miss having my espresso drinks.
I want to watch Mandalorian today. I hear baby Yoda is more adorable than ever. I’ve seen the new memes and he is so fucking cute. I also want to watch the Taylor Swift documentary on her latest album. I got to be in the mood to watch shows or I just don’t watch. I am paying for the service but I don’t watch all the time. I get bored easily.
I just sent my therapist a letter about something that is bothering me the last time we met. She said that my management of my crisis is the wrong answer. I don’t know what the “right” answer is so we need to talk about this because it is really pissing me off. I am still here during my darkest nights so I think that says something. Most importantly, I don’t attempt when I feel so bad.
I am getting hungry. I want to make scrambled eggs with cheese and put hot sauce on it. Frank’s came out with a chili lime that I love. My nephew likes it too. He is the king of hot sauce stuff. He buys different ones to try. Think I will get him some from Amazon for Christmas. He will love it. He loves habanero sauces. I do, too.
Depressed and in pain today
I feel really down because I am in pain today. I woke up around 0400 with my left shoulder hurting me. No matter how I moved it, it hurt. I have no idea what I did. I have been waking up with shoulder pain the past week. It goes away when I wake up so that is good. But it still depresses me that I wake up in pain every morning.
I had a good bowel movement today that ended up causing nerve pain. My ass is killing me. I hope the pain settles down on its own and I don’t need to take more Neurontin. I took some last night to help me get back to sleep. I am still feeling sleepy from it. I might take a nap. I just had coffee and pumpkin pie. Yesterday all I drank was a half a glass of wine and a cup of coffee. I didn’t have anything else to drink so today I am going to drink at least two Gatorade bottles.
I got to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. One prescription isn’t ready yet. When it is, I will go. It should be done soon, I hope. I had a good day yesterday. I didn’t eat too much but I had plenty. I had my pumpkin pie for dessert. It had too much spice in it. I was worried because I am allergic to ginger and I know that they sometimes use that in the pie. I didn’t react so that was good. I took my night meds early and was asleep by 2200. I was going to watch the new Taylor Swift documentary on Disney Plus but I wasn’t in the mood. I might watch it over the weekend.
I am so excited because tonight I get to see my favorite artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter! She is doing a virtual show and I got tickets as an early birthday present to me. I am listening to her new album. She will be playing new songs from it and maybe some old. I don’t know. I know that it isn’t long, she said so in her #songsfromhome videos. The format is going to be similar. Instead of her kitchen, her venue will be the beautiful Wolf Trap. I was supposed to see her at that venue when I was visiting my cousin in Virginia. But there was a hurricane going on so the show was cancelled.
It is weird that I feel depressed yet excited about the show. The nerve pain is settling down some. I really wanted to die when it was at its worse. The pain is horrible and there is nothing you can really do about it. I know there is a rectal cream that is lidocaine based that can be used but I have a hard time reaching back there to apply things.
I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and came home a sweaty mess. I was so exerted by the walk. I am resting now and waiting for time to pass for the concert tonight. I cannot wait to see her. She is so beautiful. I’ve been in love with her since the first time I saw her on tv. Just hope my pain doesn’t interfere with seeing her. I am tired but trying not to nap. I got to eat some turkey and stuffing and squash. It was a good meal.
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