Listening to Coldplay
I decided to listen to something different so put on some old Coldplay. I am listening to rush of blood to the head. I love this album.
Yesterday I had therapy and we talked a lot. I was shocked that I was able to have a conversation at that hour. I had a cup of coffee before session so I think that helped wake me up. We talked about partial and how I wanted to continue with it but am not sure my insurance would approve. She said that it is very unlikely that the insurance would not approve of more time. I had a meeting with the therapist of the program and we talked about it. I thought she put in the paperwork for it but turns out she wanted to speak to me before she went ahead to do that. I haven’t heard back from her but it is still early in the day.
I feel like the last few times I have talked to my therapist I have been able to say what was on my mind which is a breakthrough of some sort. I know I wasn’t able to talk much on Monday and had a little shut down because I was overwhelmed with feelings. It still astonishes me that all I could say was “bah” and nothing more. It has been so hard to describe what has been going on recently. Things with my mother have been so difficult trying to take care of her while despising her. Her birthday is this weekend and I plan on signing the card “loving son.” I have to get the message across somehow. Not saying this will be an answer but maybe it will help with the misgendering and wrong pronouns.
I’m still in a lot of pain with my ankle and my back. This morning while having coffee I sneezed and pulled a muscle in my lower back. It is better now but still kind of sore. I am going to try and do a few things in my room today and see if I can do that. I want to put the sheets and blanket on my bed away. But I got to clean a spot for them. I plan to do that after I finish blogging.
Next week I have a lot of appointments. I am meeting with my neurosurgeon and GYN surgeon. Not on the same day but it is going to be a stressful week. I am also meeting with my psychiatrist. I am going to ask him for an increase in the citalopram. The Latuda experiment hasn’t worked to help my mood but has helped the voices, which is why I wanted to be put on it. I think an increase in citalopram might help the depression some. Won’t know until we try. I am on a low dose right now so have room to go up.
I need to take a shower today but I am not sure when. Probably after I finish putting away my laundry. I still have a bag of clothes to wash but I think I am going to keep them in there as I have no place to put them. I have to make an appointment with my eye doctor but I need to see a new one as I don’t like one I have. I think I am going to go to a different place, maybe in Harvard Square. I just got to see if they accept my insurance.
Listening to 80s
I felt like listening to Pandora today so just turned it on and 80s music started playing so I will keep it on that. I love the 80s. I had coffee and I am somewhat energized. I haven’t decided what I am going to do today. I need to go to the grocery store for half and half and coffee. I might go this afternoon. My back is still bothering me from trying to find this book that I just ordered another copy of. Fuck it. I still got to go to the bank and deposit some money so my account isn’t overdrawn.
My allergies are bad today. I keep clearing my throat and coughing to clear it. I hate when I am so congested in the morning. Makes me gag. Brushing my teeth was fun. I am sucking on a cough drop to sooth my throat. My sister is out of quarantine Tues. I can’t wait. She must be so bored.
I need to shower today. I smell. I need to be better about showering as I have just been showering once a week for a while now. I used to shower every other day but I have let it lapse. I just seem to shower when I can’t stand the feel of my hair anymore. I have a full beard now so I need to wash it or it gets itchy. I have decided to keep it for now. I like it. I just wish the tiny bald spot would grow hair. It is one of the reasons I have to not keep the beard.
My back is still bothering me from looking for the book last night. I don’t think it would be wise for me to go out today. I don’t want to get stuck while out like I did before. I will just get upset. But the only priority today is to shower. Just hope my back doesn’t crap out on me. It is really bothering me right now. I just want to lie down and rest. I am getting hungry but I don’t feel like making something to eat. I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday. I only had Ramen noodles all day and some pretzels. I don’t really know what to eat. I want to make a chicken sandwich but for some reason it is nauseating me so I don’t want to eat anything. I might make a fluffernutter. It is a sandwich with peanut butter and fluff (marshmallow crème).
The one self-care thing I absolutely hate is nail cutting. I swear my nails grow superfast and I feel like I am cutting them every week. I hate it. I hate toe nail cutting more. My sister just came up with food so I don’t have to worry about it for now. Yay! I will have some in a little while.
Going to partial
I had a lengthy conversation with my therapist yesterday about partial hospitalization. She really wants me to go and think it will help me. I was cranky and irritable and that concerned her. I told her I haven’t been eating and she said that was concerning. The whole appointment was a concern for her. I told her I would get in touch with the social worker today about starting the program, which I did. I start Thurs. I should be getting a phone call tomorrow night about how to join as I haven’t received any web information. It starts at 9. Yuck. I think I just have two meetings that day, back to back. Just hope I can make coffee before the meeting. I have two meetings so far for Thurs back to back.
Yesterday I got tested for Covid. I am glad I scheduled the appointment as I was in and out. Otherwise I would have had to wait two hours to be seen. I am still waiting for my results. It was easy to get to and I am glad I was familiar with the area. After the testing, I went to Starbucks and got a Crème Brule latte. It was really sweet and I only got the 2 shots of espresso. I should have gotten three but it is ok. I know for next time.
I am feeling good today. I might shower and shave. My beard is a little on the long side and is irritating when I put my chin down. I think I might just trim it some so it isn’t annoying. I haven’t shaved it in over a month now. I like the results. Sucks with the mask no one can see it outside of the house. I love the feel of the beard under my chin.
I ordered a new calendar today and was not pleased the price went up by 10 bucks. I usually get it for 10 or under. But I like having a calendar I can look at a glance to check in what day is what. Helps me to keep track of the days much better than looking on my phone.
Tomorrow I have the dreaded urodynamic testing. I will be glad to get it over with. It isn’t a pleasant test but it is important. I just hope all is well and I can keep doing what I have been doing. It is a little tough sometimes because I know I still retain and the urge to go isn’t strong at times. Sometimes I will be sitting on the toilet and have to wait more than a few minutes to start urinating. That is so frustrating. Just when I am ready to say the hell with it and cath, I go. So it is worth waiting I guess. I got to figure out what time to leave my house. I think I will leave around 9 so I can get some coffee at Starbucks and maybe something to eat. I have been wanting to have their breakfast sausage sandwich. It is supposed to be cold tomorrow. I am just glad the building isn’t down the street from the hospital this time. It would have taken me forever to walk there with my back the way it is.
I got a lot of worries with my family right now that I wish I could talk about but I can’t. So hard having so much anxiety about this. It definitely isn’t helping the tension in my neck and jaw. I haven’t eaten anything today. I don’t know what I want to eat. I want to nap. Maybe I will be hungry after I have some sleep.
Sunday Blog 06122020
Another Sunday has passed through. Weeks keep flying; there is no stopping time. My birthday will be in seventeen days. I am not looking forward to it. I hate my birthday. I like my name day better. No one knows it and doesn’t give me grief about it. I blame my mother for the reason I hate my birthday. All because when I was 16 she threw me a surprise birthday at my grandmother’s house and I had to spend it with people I hated. I wanted to be alone and she didn’t want me to be alone. She is a real bitch. She knew I hated her side of the family. I still do. I want nothing to do with them at all.
I didn’t eat today. I have no appetite. I drank an Ensure so I have something in my stomach other than pills and Powerade. I had coffee and I didn’t even finish that. I am having a lot of pain on my left side of my neck. I took a couple of Ativan to calm it down with some Tylenol. I hope I sleep tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow morning so I can get tested for Covid. My sister tested positive yesterday. I have been staying in my room as much as possible and wearing my mask when I am not in my room.
I did my meds for the week. I really didn’t want to take the Latuda but I don’t want to suffer from withdrawals from it so I took it. I don’t want to take the citalopram either as it isn’t doing much of nothing too. I am not happy that these meds I am taking that are supposed to help haven’t. Least the voices are under control. I hope the psychiatrist doesn’t stop the med because of the mood and leave me hanging for a psych med for the voices. The whole reason I wanted to be on the Latuda was for voices not as a mood stabilizer, for fuck sake.
I am so damn tired. I hope I sleep tonight. My foot is bothering me but it isn’t excruciating like it has the past couple of days. I bought a glycolic wash that I plan to use once I shave my beard. It will be in a the next few weeks as I am getting tired of it. It gets long and then I want to shave it off. It is cold today. I still have the ceiling fan on because it gets hot in my room. I can’t stand it when it is hot. I like being cold in my room. I still have the AC in. It probably will be in year round as I haven’t bothered my brother in law to take it out. The weather has been warm like every other day so it is good that I have the AC in the window. The really cold winter weather hasn’t started. I am grateful for that.