Tag Archives: coffee

Sunday Blog 11 11 2018

Sunday Blog 11 Nov 2018

To the Veterans, Thank You for serving and your sacrifice!

Today is my Godmother’s birthday. I sent scheduled messages to my cousins, her caretakers, at 11:11 am. I was up till 0430 as my pain was really bad. Started at 8 PM and just continued throughout the night and early morning. I pretty much slept all day. It was kind of hurting me when I woke up and stood up to use the bathroom but wasn’t really bad. I decided to take a shower after I brushed my teeth. I had to go back upstairs as I forgot PJs. I was damn near finished when the pain got worse. I got a pop tart from the back porch and cookies. My mother wanted me to bring some bleach to the kitchen so I did that as well. I made my coffee and ate what I brought out. I love the Starbucks iced coffee I bought. I sent a message to PeaPod asking them why their price was higher than the store price. It is ridiculous that I have to pay fifty cents more for it so it could be delivered.

Last night I was going through my pics as I wanted a pic of my Godmother and I to post on FB. While doing so, I found some pics of some baking photos of a cake I was making. I remembered I got the recipe from my friend that recently passed away. I plan on getting some cranberries so I can make the dish. Oh shit, I actually can’t make it as I need the baking dish that my barber has. I will text him tomorrow so I can get the dish Tuesday. Buses are running regular schedule tomorrow. I have my appointment with my therapist so will leave at 1030 am so I can try and write a bit before leaving for his office. I haven’t been too successful catching the 1137 bus so maybe an earlier bus might do it.

It’s cold in my room so I checked the temp. It is 40 degrees F. Barometric pressure is 30.23, which is up from last night of 29.98. No wonder I am in pain. I know there is a storm on its way. Something is going to hit Tuesday. Weather is going to be bad and we might get snow, but I think they said it would be up in the mountains. We’ll see. I have been trying to keep track of the barometric pressure but it has been difficult. I have a page in my notebook for it but I sometimes forget to write it down. I am a bad record keeper.

what a week

What a week!

I am sorry I haven’t been writing as frequently as I have. I have just been so exhausted by the end of the day that I can’t think and all I want to do is sleep. I am not sure what is going on, if I am having another depressive episode or if the testosterone is plummeting my energy. I haven’t been eating, and if I do, it is only one meal a day. If I remember to eat, it maybe two. I just have no appetite but have not seen any weight loss. I usually don’t have significant weight loss during these low appetite days anyways.

I have been going to my appointments. Wednesday was therapy and it went okay. We didn’t talk much about anything. I just talked about anything I could think of to pass the time. It is hard when he doesn’t ask questions about how I am doing so I just pass things off like I am okay. I had to skip two appointments with him because of pain. My heel pain is plantar fasciitis. I saw a podiatrist on Monday as I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He wanted to give me a cortisone shot and I said no. Everything is cortisone, but I don’t believe in them. There hasn’t been good data on them helping so I don’t even know why they are still offered.

Thursday I had the pain program. OT wants me to work on using the Recognise app. It is to help train my brain to know my foot is there or something along those lines. I am just to do the basic and to do it a few times a day. I haven’t done it at all today because I was so busy. PT wore me out. She had me walk for six minutes and then I had to do squats with a chair for 20 seconds. My legs were killing me. Then she had me do some stretching exercises for my calf. That set off a flare last night. I was not happy. I didn’t do that shit today either. I thought I might be able to while baking (see below) but I didn’t have a chance as I was in so much pain with my heel. I think I might have to wear sneakers around the house rather than slippers.

Today my mother wanted me to do an errand for her. Then I had to go to the post office to mail something for a friend. The half and half that I just bought curdled in my coffee so I had to go to Stop and Shop to exchange it. While I was there, I bought a few things. I wanted pulled pork so I got that and my probiotic orange, pineapple, mango juice. It is so good! Expensive, but good. Also got my coffee and some more honey, which was on sale. I had just missed the bus so I had to wait.

I came home and then started baking. I wanted to make pumpkin cheesecake bars. Thing was a bitch. I honestly don’t know if they came out okay. The mixtures tasted good, so they probably did. I was just annoyed because it said to chill or freeze but didn’t give a time as to how fricken long it was supposed to do that. The directions were poorly written. I complained to Tasty as I got the recipe from them but haven’t gotten a response. Then the topping was a bitch. You had flour, brown sugar, and butter. And in the video, you just whipped it up. Yea okay. It wasn’t easy doing as it was in the video. I tried using the mixer and flour went all over the place. I was getting so annoyed. My pain levels were astronomical. I just wanted to get this thing done so I could nap. I melted the damn butter and then mixed it. Then I sort of separated it into smaller pieces but not small enough to cover the pan. I didn’t care. I thought it would melt. It didn’t. I took it out of the oven and then let it cool. Instructions said to let it refrigerate overnight so I will have it tomorrow. I hope it is good otherwise, it is going in the trash. I took a nap for about 4 hours. I was completely wiped out to the point of passing out. The TV downstairs was annoying the fuck out of me. I was in mega pain. I put the whisperer thing on and fell asleep within 15 minutes. I hear my mother was on the phone with my cousin so I put my phone on silent in case he called me after. He sometimes does this and it annoys the fuck out of me. He will call me to see how she is and then call her to see how I am, fucker. I really haven’t talked to him in over a month.

Monday I am going to leave a message for the repro endo doc about my energy levels because they suck. Every little thing I do just exhausts me and that is unlike me. If I was working, I would be toast the first 4 hours. I just can’t seem to do things like I used to and I am not sure if it is the testosterone or the depression. But then, the testosterone could be affecting my mood so, I don’t know. I thought it would give me some energy, not take it away.

My CRPS ankle is killing me right now. I guess the events of the day have finally caught up with it. It was hurting while I was baking but now the pain is worse. I wish there was something I could take for the heel pain. Nothing seems to help that. I have been taking ibuprofen and it helps a little bit. I watched a video last night about how to “cure” plantar fasciitis and it said to use a tennis ball, take magnesium supplements, and something else that I don’t remember but wasn’t going to do anyway. He was a naturalistic doc so was saying to eat better and shit. Okay. Every ailment has that prescription. I have the magnesium as I take that for my spasms. I will try anything to lessen the pain. I used the tennis ball today, it hurt but it did decrease the pain. I can’t use it in the kitchen as the crevices in the floor make the ball go all over the place. I had to use it in the living room while my mother watched TV on full blast. UGH. I hated that but it was the only room I could do it.

For the first time all week, I woke up from my nap rested. I haven’t been sleeping great at night. Seems every two hours I am awake. I don’t know why. I feel like I am sleeping like a baby waking up every few hours. I haven’t been taking my extra dose of Ativan so maybe that is why. I have been taking Neurontin and that causes me to feel sleepy within an hour. I posted the pic of what I baked today. Will let you know tomorrow how it came out.

Transition day 28

Transition day 28

Today is my 28th day on testosterone. I forgot to change the time on my med alarm so I woke up at 4 am because that is what I set it two weeks ago. I didn’t like waking up at that time at ALL! But I was awake and I have nothing to do today other than to try and get my books and journals organized a little better.

It was again difficult to get the medicine in the syringe. I am supposed to get 0.25 mg/mL and I got around 0.2 mg/mL so I had to redo it until I got that 0.05. The medicine is tough because the needle is long and the vial is short. I had to keep an eye on the bevel of the needle and where the medicine was so I could withdraw it. I thought it would be easier as time went on but nope. I am going to have a harder time with the last dose as there is not much left in the vial. It is going to be tricky. But I will worry about that in two weeks.

I took my selfies and posted them. I didn’t notice any changes. It was so early in the morning, I don’t think my friends were awake as they haven’t commented on it. My sister texted me around 8 am. She sent me pics of herself dressed up in a Halloween costume. She likes this time of year. I don’t. I really hate it. I guess I started hating it when teenagers started banging on the windows looking for candy. Um, that is not nice and no you aren’t getting anything. Go away! It was scary so I didn’t open the door to shoo them away. I try to stay away and keep the lights off so they don’t think anyone is home. My brother in law loves it as he just stands in the door and gives out candy. He usually isn’t dressed up though. I have no idea if my niece will be in costume this year.

I sort of noticed my voice changing today. It sounded deeper. I got excited. I still haven’t told my mother I am on hormones. I thought about it a million times but she isn’t going to care and she isn’t going to be supportive so why bother. I called my friend up in Canada to see if my voice changed and she said she hardly recognized me. Whoohoo for voice change!! My barber said the same thing when I saw him (last paragraph). I think this is so cool. I am so excited about this. I am going to post it on my social media accounts!! My barber also noticed that my sideburns are thicker. Now if only I could grow a damn beard!!

I want to get my haircut today or Friday. I might do it today. I really need a cut as I haven’t had one since the middle of September. You can’t see the cut anymore. It is just a mop. I know I will feel better once I have a nice cut. I had coffee today. I made it good as it was nice and strong. I am loving the Guatemala blend. It is stronger than Pike. I love my coffees. Espresso is a different kind and that is wicked strong. I love it but sometimes my stomach doesn’t. I get at least 5 shots at a time so it is really strong. I always have it with soy milk but sometimes the barista puts too much ice so not much room for soy and that makes me mad. I am tempted to just have a side of ice and pour it in myself rather than have the barista do it. I hate wasting a plastic cup but I have to dilute the espresso!

I was going to vote today and if I go out, I will. I tried to get my nephew and niece to vote. My nephew is a definite no and my niece is a maybe. I tried. I hope my niece votes. I know my other niece won’t because, sadly, she is an airhead sometimes. I don’t think she is in to politics. I wasn’t until the Orange Buffoon became president. He wants me and people like me erased so I will have him voted out. I want Congress to change so that they aren’t lifers and not do what they are sworn to do. Okay, I am off my soapbox about that.

I wonder with my voice changing if that is why my throat is a little more irritated than normal. I have no idea if when the voice box changes if there is irritation. It could just be allergies though. Yesterday I was so congested when I left for my MRI appointment. It was awful. My sister Ubered me to and from. I am grateful because it really hurt to walk. My right side was so sore from the fall. It is a little better today, though getting up really hurts. Once I start moving about it is okay. I want to go out so that I don’t become stiff.

I just realized I never published this. I got on the net and well, forgot about this. I got my haircut and then something to eat. I wanted mango juice but the store in the Square didn’t have it. I was walking around and my leg didn’t like it. I missed the bus so had to go take another bus to catch the one home. Ugh. My leg is really, really sore. I am not doing anything today. I thought moving around would help and it didn’t. I am tempted to cancel my appointments tomorrow. It is my first appointment with the pain program. I hope that I can do it tomorrow. I just hurt so damn bad. I really didn’t think I would be this awful but I guess I fell harder than I thought. PT is going to be soooo much fun. NOT.

Being really tired because of chronic pain

Being really tired because of chronic pain

Friday night, I was up really late because the Sox game went into historic extra innings. By 330 am, the game was still going on. It was the top of the 18th inning and I decided to go to bed. I was in pain and needed sleep. The Dodgers ended up winning in the bottom of the 18th. It was the longest game in the history of World Series playoffs. I didn’t wake up until after 1500 yesterday. I had sort woke up but I looked at the time and said five more minutes and never got up. My mother never called me (I wouldn’t hear her ring anyways as I had do not disturb on).

I got up and had something to eat. I just had some corn muffins that I bought. That was all I wanted. Then I went back to my room. I was still groggy so I didn’t want to write a blog. I didn’t know if I was going to listen to the game as the stadium was really loud and the announcers were pissing me off. Lou had traveled to LA and OMG was so annoying. I stayed up for about 6 innings I think, I couldn’t keep track of the game because all the announcers were talking bullshit instead of calling the game. Who was warming up, the pitch count of the pitcher, whether Cora was going to bring in another pitcher, all this shit rather than balls and strikes. So When the Dodgers scored their first run and then E-Rod gave up a 3 run shot, I thought the game was over. I wasn’t going to listen to it anymore. Also my cousin was texting me about how the first 4 batters were like 0 for 39 or something like that. I don’t care as long as they are in the game! They will hit once they find their groove. I went to bed. I felt bad about doing so but I was tired, my foot exploded and I just couldn’t take the negativity anymore.

I woke up around 3 am today. We won 9-6! I was so fucking happy. This makes the series 3-1. One more Sox win and we win the whole thing. Tonight’s game is so damn important and I am not going to miss it!! But I thought I would write a blog as it has been two days since I wrote one. I just haven’t been in the mood to write. I am going to have pancakes and coffee later. I really haven’t eaten since Friday. I made my wings and they came out so damn good. I might make a brownie recipe today. I am not sure though. It has beets in it and I have to figure out how many beets is equivalent to what is called for. I was supposed to get whole beets and but instead I got sliced beets. UGH! I am so annoyed. My friend said they were good. She and her husband liked it. So I think it should be good. I love brownies anyways. I have never had them with beets, but we shall see.

I also got really angry with my cousin with bipolar disorder. I was trying to nap before the game and right when I was ready to doze off, he calls me. I didn’t answer as I didn’t want to talk to him. He left me a ridiculous message about how he thinks he saw me at the bus stop but he was going to work so he couldn’t stop, like if he sees me at the bus stop he HAS to take me to where ever I am going. I like the gesture but he doesn’t have to do this. His brother doesn’t do this, my uncle certainly doesn’t, so why should he? He said he couldn’t bring me anyways as he was running late. UGH so why are you telling me this?? Then he tells me he “has been calling me.” No he hasn’t. There is this thing on my phone called a log and it would tell me if you called. I haven’t heard from you in a month or more. So stop lying. Nothing I hate worse than a liar. And I am sure the whole seeing me at the bus stop is a lie too. He thinks he can get away with it and when I bring it up to him, he says why haven’t I called him. Fuck you, buddy. I have enough shit going on in my life that I don’t need to hear your lies. So I am not going to return his call. Soon after he got my voicemail and left me the phony message, he called my mother asking where I was. Jerk. That is what he does. He will call me, asking about her and then call her asking about me. Loser he is. That just drives me fucking crazy.

I took some Miralax today because it has been a while since I last went. I was going good for a while and then nothing. I don’t know why. I just hope it works before the game because I don’t want to be shitting while the game is going on! HAHA. I am also really excited because this is another T dose week. I can’t wait till Wednesday. There are already some changes to my face and I love it. I can’t wait for more to come.

NP idiot

I had an appt with a nurse practitioner that apparently got her license from a cracker jack box or maybe the Boston Globe. She was insistent on me having plantar fasciitis even though my PT ruled it out but didn’t I read the newspaper, not a medical journal, saying that plantar fasciitis is the new back pain?? Are you fricken serious? I didn’t know reporters had their medical degree. Also pissed me off that she thought unilaterally and bilaterally were the same. Ugh!!!!! I had to literally fight for an MRI. She wanted an xray and didn’t even ordered that right as they xrays the outer part of my ankle not the inner where the damn lump is!!! I am so frustrated. I got to call radiology to see if I can have the MRI sooner than next week and during daylight hours. I might go to a different site. Ugh!! Oh and she was telling me the same damn things to do my PT has been telling me. Guess she was deaf on that part.

Oh and the kicker was that she walked in asking if I was having surgery. When I said no, she said you aren’t having gender reassignment surgery? And then she got all concerned and crap like she never had a transgender patient before. Omg I am not a specimen for your study!!! I got very upset by this behavior. I mean, shit. Seriously? I emailed my psychiatrist to ask her what to do. I want to file a report on her as I think what she did was inappropriate. I mean, hell, I was seeing her for foot pain, not a transgender issue! I am so pissed. I hate that she was so dismissive about what I was telling her about being in physical therapy and then dismissing what my PT said about me not having plantar fasciitis. She just wasn’t hearing me and I am glad she ordered the MRI. I already got a report on the X-Ray and surprise, nothing was revealed except for some spurs that have been there for a while.

I had a webinar when I came home on CAMS, the Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality. OMG It was like having Dr. David Jobes in my room! It was awesome. I love him so much and have so much respect for him. He basically covered all that I know about CAMS. I love the new research he is doing. Sadly, one of the trials had two suicides. It is a risk but sadly not something you want to see. I wish I could share this with my current therapist but he is so anti-CAMS it isn’t funny. He just thinks talking about things is the answer. I know it is my fault in keeping him but fuck, there aren’t a lot of therapists taking new clients AND wanting to deal with chronic suicidality! I had one therapist not call me back in the Harvard area. I tried out of my comfort zone and that hit me in the ass with a don’t come back. I wish someone was dealing with suicidality in clients rather than just passing them off. If I could sprinkle some of Jobes’s kindness and humanity I would. It isn’t something I take lightly. I have been in the model of what he teaches and want to spread it around but hell, some therapists like the one I was seeing before my current one, was adamant about learning something new. In her words, she wasn’t a suicidologist so she didn’t have to learn it so what that said to me was if she had another client that was suicidal, she was NOT using CAMS/SSF with them. It makes me sad that there is this level of what you think a therapist should be and the reality is they just don’t exist. I don’t know why people become therapists if they aren’t willing to deal with the hard issue of suicide. I don’t know, maybe I have it backwards.

I saw a sign at my PCP’s office that they are moving location, and it is not even within their building. It is a building like 4 blocks over from the train station. I can’t walk there. Maybe on a good day, but those days have been so rare lately that I seriously doubt if I am sick, I will be able to make it. I think there is another way of going there. I just have to find out if the shuttle from another train station still goes by there, and where that stop is as the last time I was in that area, there was construction which had the sidewalk blocked off. This sucks because it adds to my commute and worse, no Starbucks, LOL

I just wrote a thread on Twitter and I am going to paste it here. I think it is important:

“I’ve been thinking about the @UniteSurvivors webinar with @lab_jobes and what he was saying about drivers (what drives ppl to suicide) and how those with lived experience can help. It took me to all the times the past 2 years I’ve been in horrible suicidal depressions/states, mostly due to my chronic pain. Dr. Jobes talked about a “life worth living”. Frankly I don’t even have a day worth living but somehow I am still here. I don’t want to be. I am in a chronic pain flare right now. My thoughts instantly go to suicide because it feels like my bones are being crushed and I am being stabbed in my ankle. How do you survive this while being suicidal? Frankly I don’t have a clue. It is probably because I don’t have lethal means near me when I flare (whether consciously or subconsciously I am not sure). I don’t have a large dose of meds by my bedside or knives. I don’t own a gun, though I sometimes wish I did. Guess these small measures have kept me here. My blog where I can write to Express myself. Have online connections to my support group which is invaluable. Different time zones are a life saver. B/c when it is 3 am, no one is up Boston time. I’ve learned to do this not through a therapist or hospitalization but mostly on my own. And having my psychiatrist email at 2 am is handy. Thank you Dr. Dave for CAMS and the SSF. It combines my thoughts of suicides to practical practice. I know I wouldn’t be here without it. I should add I am an autodidact suicidologist.”

I just read what I wrote and though some of it doesn’t make sense, I didn’t want to fix it because the essence of what I am saying is there. Anyways, that is all I have for today. There is a huge thunderstorm happening right now and I want to publish this before I lose power, if that should happen. Go SOX!!!!!