Writing Something is better than nothing
I woke up with my med alarm ringing. I didn’t know what the noise was but I wanted it to stop. It was ringing for a good ten minutes before I finally became coherent enough to shut it off. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom. I did my business then brushed my teeth. I needed caffeine if I was going to have therapy in an hour. I made a cup of tea as half and half seems to be a rare commodity these days. I need it for coffee but seeing as I didn’t have it, I made tea. It was strong and full bodied so I enjoyed my cup.
Therapy was a disaster. I didn’t feel like talking. It was too early in the fucking morning and I guess my therapist finally clued in that this time was not a good time to chat. We changed it for a later time next week on Tues. Just as well as I am not liking these virtual visits. It is so hard to think of something to say. I felt like pulling out my notebook that jotted down some stuff but wasn’t sure if she would approve. Frankly I just wanted to get back to bed. I didn’t care about anything else. I told her about the need to lay flat and that I have a leak. This recovery is taking its own sweet time. I don’t like it. It is too slow for my tastes. So naturally I got a headache today. Luckily, Tylenol took care of it. I was running a low grade temp last night that had me very worried. It didn’t go above 99.6 and ibuprofen took care of it. I have not been running anything close to 98 degrees right now. I am glad. I still feel like shit and if I do anything that requires effort, my heart rate goes nuts.
Last night my nephew was worried as I was so out of breath after I took my shower. It took me a while for me to catch my breath. My heart rate was bananas. I made up a container of water and then I made a container of Gatorade. I haven’t made one today. I should as I haven’t been drinking that much today. I will make a container when my sister leaves my house. I don’t feel like talking to her right now. I just am not in a talkative mood.
I am debating on contacting my therapist for another session this week. I feel like I should make amends to my non-talkative mood this morning. Part of me feels like she is mad at me but I know that isn’t true. I wonder if my therapist is sick of me. I always seem to go back and forth. Like I want to move forward but I rather do it two steps back to make sure I have room to fall. I’ve always done this with every therapist I’ve had. She is the first one in nearly twenty years to challenge me on my thoughts. She wants me to get better. The question is, do I want to?
Stitches are out
I had a very tiring day. I woke up with minutes to spare to catch the driver to get to the hospital. I am glad I dressed quickly. There was no traffic to the hospital so I was an hour early. I tried to get something to eat but they weren’t accepting cash so I didn’t get anything. I spent an hour in the empty waiting room waiting for the doctor. He took the stitches out and said things looked good. He said that the disc I was concerned about was compressing things so he fixed it. I don’t have to worry about it now. He did say that I had a dura tear that had to be repaired and that was why I had to lay flat. It took a good few days to be able to sit up right in bed. I still am not feeling well sitting up but I did okay on my way there. I had to walk all over because the place of pick up was at a different building than where my doctor’s office was. I am now paying for it as my foot has flared up.
I had a phone session with my psychopharm. We talked about how I was doing. She thinks part of the reason I am not so depressed is because of the anesthesia. She may be right. I don’t know how long the effect is going to be but it has been two weeks and despite feeling devastated at times, I feel okay. I told her that I was numb and I told her where. I felt funny telling her but she seemed to understand that this is complex and not something that is going to recover in a few weeks. It could be months before I have feeling back. Surgeon even said that. So I just have to take it day by day. She wants me to write more as she feels it could be a good coping mechanism. I cringed. I don’t see my writing as a coping mechanism. I just do it because it feels right. I have some things to express and I express them. They all go into a void for me and I don’t remember what I write usually. Granted right now I am not writing in despair or in a desperate state. I told her I haven’t felt suicidal but I have been hearing hallucinations of music that I have been having to take trilafon for. She asked if I had any side effects and I said my fine motor skills are affected. I can’t seem to hold a pen without shaking a bit. Writing is smooth once I start but I do tremble a little bit. I don’t know if it is anxiety or what but I hate that this is happening. I love writing in my journal and that this tremor is keeping me from writing when I need to. I also want to write to the therapist but I am not sure what to write. I will ask her when I talk to her next Monday.
My pcp messed up my pain meds so now I am behind a week with my other pain meds. He didn’t send off a 30 day supply. I now got to wait till this weekend to get it. I blame that stupid NP in the hospital for messing up the counts. I don’t know why she felt the need to give me a script when I already had a script and my doc would have done it not her. Would have been easier to do things through my pcp than through her anyways.
Surgeon asked if I was voiding and I told him I was. He asked if I could feel myself be full. I can at times but not 100% of the time. I still need to cath every day so I make sure that I am empty. Today I haven’t been voiding much on my own. I have had to cath because I just couldn’t feel full even though I know I drank enough that I should have been full. I still can’t believe this is my new life. It takes so much out of me knowing that I am not a full bodied person anymore. It kills me that this may not go away. I just worry about bowel accidents now because of feeling numb. I haven’t taken Miralax since I have been home. I keep forgetting to take it. It is hard because I don’t have a cup in my room to mix it up in. I keep forgetting to bring up a cup. I might use a water bottle for my mixing. I bought a 32 oz Gatorade bottle that I can mix my drinks in. I bought the powder to make Gatorade. I figure that might help cut down on buying the stuff. I would make a bottle now but my back is all locked up from this morning’s activities. I am really hurting. I am also so very tired despite taking a three hour nap. I just hope I am not up in pain all night because I slept during the day. I am feeling sleepy as I took my night meds an hour ago. I hope I am asleep before midnight. That would be good if I was able to sleep before midnight with no trips to the bathroom. Last night I woke up once or twice but was able to stay in bed. I didn’t have to use the bathroom. I think if I got up I probably wouldn’t have woken up at 9 like I did today.
Tomorrow PT is coming. I am not sure if nursing is going to come by or not. I usually will get a call in the morning if they are going to come by. I don’t think they need to because I saw the surgeon today and I am doing good. I am just worried about PT and what they will want me to do. I want to do what they ask of me but at the same time, I am not sure that I can do it. I forgot to ask the surgeon about it. Being fart brained didn’t help. I wish I had coffee before I left the house. It would have helped tremendously. I think I will have coffee tomorrow at my sister’s. She has a Keurig that is awesome.
Public transportation disability services and stuff
I had my interview with disability services to get a Ride to where I need to go for medical appointments and other things as long as they were T accessible. I think I got approved as the guy said I should hear back within two to three days. I am hoping two because the third day I will be in surgery. I was wicked beat after the appointment but I had to go to Walgreens for my mother and get some more Gatorade to last me until Thurs. I worked out a system with my bag with my former coworkers as I will need my phone charger more than anything else. I don’t think I will have anything by mouth the first day as I will be flat on my back the first 24 hours. Hospital is in shut down mode so my outpatient appointments have become either phone or video appointments. I spent most of the time this morning getting phone calls about this. I did call my neurosurgeon’s NP and surgery is scheduled. I am to report at the times they gave me. Just thinking about this has given me such anxiety. I spent most of the night prepping my bag with stuff I want to take with me. The last thing I needed was Gatorade. I think I have everything but the meds that they may not have in formulary.
After the trip with Walgreens I started wheezing. I know it is because I am tired and it was cold out as I was rushing to get back home. I just wanted to be in my room under the covers. I gave up keeping the window open. It got too cold in my room. I would have to close it anyway in a few days so just as well. One less thing to worry about. I talked with my ex-supervisor at work and he is lending me my old locker to store my stuff in it so I have a place to put it. This way I don’t have to worry about my family bringing me stuff when my coworkers are already there. Please give a shout out to the medical pathology departments in your hospital because they are working just as hard as the doctors and nurses to give results that are needed for this crisis.
I hate having to cath. I honestly hope it is better after surgery because I cannot live like this anymore. It is just too fucking hard. The flashbacks of trauma don’t help. One day I will write about the stuff I went through with a parent but not right now. I can’t get myself worked up with all this stupid fucking anxiety around surgery. It will just throw gas into the fire when I am trying to burn the fire out. Allergies have been bad the past few days and it isn’t officially spring yet till Thurs. That is probably why I was wheezing. Allergies. I just took Flonase so hope that calms it down some. I will take Benadryl if I need to. I might anyways to calm the fuck down. I had minimal sleep last night because I was crazy with anxiety. My phone kept ringing or I had to make calls this morning and I don’t even remember who I talked to because I was on the phone, writing emails, getting shit done all before I had a cuppa. I didn’t want cawfee and now I won’t be able to have it because I don’t have half and half. I have to go to the super market and get it tomorrow. I want to get Golden Oreos, too. And this stupid cereal I fell in love with but can’t seem to find anywhere but in the damn stores. It’s a flax seed and multigrain flakes cereal that is made by Nature’s Path. So good. That is all I want. Then next week or whenever I am home from the hospital, I can order my regular grocery stuff.
Hurting and tired of hurting
I had therapy today and the therapist wanted me to justify seeing her. I told her my reasons and she agreed with them. We talked about feeling vulnerable as I did last session. Told her I felt small and insignificant. It has been a long time since I felt that way with someone. I don’t know if I can trust her or not to stay. I am scared I will tell her my secrets and then she will leave. We are in limbo seeing as I don’t know how long my recovery is from surgery and what to do about it. I told her my insurance does cover telehealth so she is going to look into it again for me.
After therapy I went food shopping thinking I would be able to handle it. Nope. My legs and ankle hate me right now. I also have a UTI cooking so that is fun. I feel like shit. I got no answers from the urologist about whether or not she is going to treat it. She just wants me to repeat the culture in 2 days. So before my appointment with the therapist on Thurs I will go to the lab to drop off a specimen. I have to remember to bring a cup with me so I just drop it off and not have to sign in or anything.
I spent today sleeping, which is just as well as I needed to sleep. My legs are still sore as hell. My heart feels like it is being stabbed a thousand times. I need a shower but I also need to decide if I am going to shave or not. I am tempted to get my haircut this week rather than next but I know it will grow out by next week so best to wait. But it is killing me as my hair is too long. I can’t do anything with it because it’s out of style. Driving me crazy. I want the short spike look next. I miss spikey hair. The long spike is too long. I will try and shower tomorrow. I need to go out anyways. I need to get some eggs and tortilla wraps so I can make my breakfast burritos.
My foot is already flaring up and I didn’t do much today. I made something to eat and I guess that is my punishment. God forbid I should eat something. I am starting to feel really depressed that this pain is back again after I was mostly not in super pain for most of the day. I hope it doesn’t keep me up. I am going to go lay down again. I just am so damn tired today.