You are king so go into the light…

You are king so go into the light…

These are the words the voices have been telling me since Tues. I haven’t had commanding voices that were severe until tonight. I contacted a couple of friends and they helped me to get through until the medication kicked in. It has been a week that the voices started. This never bodes well. I know it is because of the stress of the death of my aunt and going to the wake and funeral. My family is very loving so it wasn’t like I was awkward or anything. I just didn’t want to say goodbye to my aunt. It hurts so bad having her gone. But she has been gone longer than her physical body ceased to exist. Parkinson’s dementia made her into a shell of a person that just became silent and I think that was when we really lost her. I feel so bad for my cousins who watched her deteriorate. It must have been so painful and I really hate that this disease not only affected my aunt, but her son and his family.

I seem to have caught the family crud that has been making its rounds to all the family members. I am congested. I took a mega dose of vitamin D and will take another tomorrow to ward off the virus. I had my flu shot so I hope I don’t get a strain that is not in the vaccine. I honestly haven’t been really sick since 2008 when I got double pneumonia. God I was ill for a month and took forever to get my strength back.

Beginning of Dec I have a lot of appointments. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist that was assigned to me when my psych left. If the NP does not give me my Ativan, the way I take it and a 30 day supply, I will go back to him. I am tired of this “discussion” where it is only her points she wants me to see not mine. And I don’t think it is a good idea to mess up someone’s med regimen because of long-term effects. I just cannot tolerate this. I see the NP Monday and I will calmly explain that I understand her concerns but I do not care about the effects.

I hadn’t peed in six hours so I cathed and as I was doing so, it was a long void. I was trying so hard not to clamp off the catheter but a spasm occurred and urine flow stopped. Now I have to try again so I don’t wake up before 6 am. I am going to try in about a half hour or when I am finished with this blog, whichever comes first. I really hate that this is my life now. That I will be having to catharize myself forever now or end up in the emergency room because I don’t have the urge to pee. I feel so humiliated. Just increases the suicidality. I found out today at the OT appt that this is nerve damage. I thought it might be due to medication but she said not according to the urodynamic study. I feel really sad about this. It’s just another nail in my coffin. I can’t take my back constantly being broken down and worrying about facing surgery all the time.

Monday I am supposed to talk with a behavioral med psychologist. I hope it isn’t because my “team” told him I was not compliant with my care, meaning not taking my medication or skipping appointments, etc. I go to mostly all of my appointments except if there is good reason not to, like feeling sick or being in pain. I just am having a major problem with the urine thing because it just screams at me that I am disabled where before I knew I was but I really didn’t want to face it. Now it is staring at me in the face and I can’t deal. The depression is making me feel like I would be better off dead. And now the voices I should just take a bottle of pills so I can be king to go into the light. I have already decided I am going to end my life before my next birthday. It is just a matter of time and a few weeks away. I just hope I don’t end up back in the hospital when I see the NP next week. I don’t know if she will think going into the hospital will be a good idea and I hope she doesn’t because it is NOT a good idea, especially before a holiday. Just really bad to go into the hospital around a holiday.

midnight ponderings

Midnight ponderings

Tuesday night was very difficult for me. I was in a lot of pain and processing stuff that went on in my appointment with the urologist. I was feeling pretty depressed that self-cath is now present in my life and will continue to be for some time. Then I got into an argument with my family that night and my mood went from sour to suicidal quick. I planned on taking my life after I saw my therapist today. I brought the stuff with me as well as getting some stuff ready in case it didn’t work and I was put in the hospital. I packed a light bag and left for the bus stop.

I am not a morning person. I just remember traveling on the bus and then picking up my coffee with a little time to kill before I had to board the train to get to the therapist’s office. I was not all present while meeting with the therapist. I kept zoning out, partly because I was so suicidal. She asked me if I was going to act on it and I must have indicated that I was. Then she asked, twice, if I had ginger on me. Things at that point became fuzzy. I know I went into my bag to get the ginger to give it to her and then everything else was sort of a blur. She said that I would have to be evaluated and be inpatient. She had to call security to take me to the ED as she didn’t think she could trust me. We talked about baseball while we waited. I have no idea why I told her I was going to end my life and that I had the stuff with me to do it. I honestly am so fucking mad at myself for doing something so stupid.

The ED didn’t think I had enough intent to be inpatient so they offered partial hospital which I am supposed to start in six hours. Guess what, it isn’t going to happen. I would have to leave my hour in about four hours to get to where I needed to be. I honestly have no idea how to get there by T. I am just going to skip the appointment and hope that police don’t show up at my door. Therapist will be mad but I don’t care. I left the ED after five hours. I hope to god it is my last visit there this year. I hate the ED.

Soon after I left, my psych emailed me asking if I was ok. I thought that was odd. I answered it right away without thinking. I never got a response. I just sent her an email a couple of hours ago telling her I have another bladder infection and this time I am not taking the antibiotics. I am already feeling crappy physically. I know it is only going to get worse. My blood count is up from the last time I had my CBC drawn. It is only going to be a matter of time before the infection hits my blood stream. I am banking on this and it causes me to die.

The NP psychopharm I see foolishly put that I have borderline personality disorder as my “issue”. I don’t meet the criteria so I have no idea what she is basing this on. If she is basing it on past history, I still have no idea how that is relevant today! Just pisses me off because once those things are there, they cannot be removed. Just like the “female to male transgender person” “issue”. I don’t have an issue being FTM and I honestly still have no idea why the fuck the computer system would put that on. It just makes me so damn mad.

When I came home, my ankle exploded. It kind of went off a little bit while in the ED but soon as my foot was resting, it exploded and I have been in pain since. I have tried different meds and now it is just a waiting game as to when exhaustion will hit and I will collapse. I took the “substitute” anxiety pill so I will be knocked out the next few days, just on one fucking pill. I take this med sparingly because I don’t like it at all. I meant to tell her today about it but I forgot. The NP came by the ED to talk to me. She thinks I am seeing her next week but it is the week after. I can’t see her next week and I sure as hell am not seeing the therapist. I am mad as hell at her for wasting my time in the ED.

I need to shower sometime later today. I sweat so much yesterday it wasn’t funny. I was drenched. It was fairly warm and I was over dressed. My hair feels so yucky and the NP that told me I had a bladder infection wants me to take a shower after every bowel movement. In a perfect world, that might be doable but for someone with chronic pain, it is very exhausting. I haven’t showered since the weekend, so almost a week now. I just can’t motivate myself enough to do it. The therapist changed my diagnosis to recurrent major depression with psychotic features. I was thinking it was treatment resistant depression. The psych NP has persistent depressive disorder, which I didn’t even know existed. Either case, I am depressed. I am not bipolar anymore or maybe I never was.

Over the weekend, I sent my psych a pic of me smirking because I felt “devilish”. I told her I had met my aunt and said how she was doing as she is not going to be around much longer. She stopped eating two weeks ago so her time here is coming to an end. I am sad about this. I also gave a description about how my care has been going in her (my psych’s) absence. My psych responded that I wrote elegant and eloquent. And this is why I miss her so much. She values my writing where the other two women in my team do not. They don’t even see my writing as a tool to help me get better. And you know why they don’t know of this? Because they don’t ask! Maybe I did tell them I am a blogger but they don’t want me to do solitary things. Writing is solitary; you can’t get it done otherwise. But it is meant to be shared. And that is what brings me joy, or used to anyways. I am fighting the urge not to write as I am typing this because I think my words have no meaning anymore. A few of my readers have “fact checked” that for me and it is false. I have to try and keep this voice going as much as it is paining me right now because if I don’t, I fear I will lose myself in a way that I am not sure I can ever come back from. I have comeback from so many things. I am not sure I can come back if I get away from my writing. It is so very important to me even if I story tell about my day and how it went down. I think it is boring but maybe someone else finds it interesting. I don’t know. I want to thank YOU my readers for not allowing me to stop my writing. I now right now it is infrequent but I am working on changing that Because of YOU. You mean a lot to me because without you, there would be no blog. So thank you. I hope you are sleeping as it is almost 0300 EST. Take care until we meet again.

memories are made of this

Memories are made of this

I had therapy today. I asked her if meeting twice a week was just a one time thing this week or if this was how it will be going forward. She said we can talk about it if I felt I needed twice a week. I said I would think about it. I tried to get out of Wed meeting and though she had no objection to me canceling, I said I would keep the appointment. Some memories surfaced over the weekend because it is anniversary time. Around this time 16 years ago, I was raped by the girlfriend I was seeing at the time. It happened three times over the course of a couple months but started the end of Oct. I never really talked about it because I had other fish to fry and I didn’t think it was important. I felt like I would be blamed for letting it happen. The therapist has had other patients who have been raped so I am not the first. I just feel like I should have stopped it and not let it continue. The whole relationship was bad. I haven’t been with anyone since.

I started having a hard time dealing with the memories and feelings. I wanted to self-harm because other stuff happened too to stir up emotions to the point of them being overwhelming. I started to dissociate a bit and wanted to self-harm. I texted the therapist about seeing if talking to a hotline even though I wasn’t in crisis would be helpful and she gave me a rape one. It wasn’t helpful. I am still feeling a little dissociative. I don’t or rather can’t say that I won’t end up doing something. I don’t have sharp things by the bed and I guess it is good that my foot is flared up so I won’t get up trying to find something. I am so exhausted. I never thought someone that I loved could hurt me this way. The thing that bothers me is that this person told me she was raped and you would think they would be more mindful about doing it to someone else because they wouldn’t want someone else to go through that. I was wrong. She just didn’t care and she took out her anger on me in various ways. She was really trying to control me towards the end before I put a stop to the intimacy. Then she started seeing someone else, basically cheating on me and her husband. She was truly a piece of work. She tried to get back together with me but I didn’t fall for it. She is too manipulating and of course she got mad when I said no.

The therapist said we would work on stuff to deal with the memories next session, which will be Wed, if I don’t cancel. I am feeling really hopeless about anything helping me right now and I am trying to give her a chance before totally giving up. Though the way I feel now, it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change and I might as well just give up. Still on the fence on this idea.

unable to sleep due to anxiety

Unable to sleep due to anxiety

I have been feeling anxious the past few hours. I took 0.5 mg of Ativan, which probably wasn’t the brightest idea as I usually take 1 mg. I started writing in my journal about why I was anxious, mostly because of my upcoming appointment with the therapist. I just don’t know if this is the start of twice a week sessions or just a one time thing of meeting twice a week. I am hoping to get out of Wed session but won’t know of that till Monday. Ugh. I don’t know why I am nervous other than the fact I don’t want to be cornered into sessions. I still am highly suicidal so on the one hand, it will be good to have therapy twice a week but on the other, I want to die so I don’t want to meet twice a week, hence the anxiety.

I have four appointments this week that are stressing me out. Three are mental health related and the other is for uro. I am nervous about that because I don’t know if I can talk openly about how this self cathing thing is making me feel. It is making me feel more disabled because I am falling apart physically and I don’t like it. I don’t like that I got to keep track of when was the last time I went pee all the time and the thought of putting on a timer or alarm to cath or try to pee just doesn’t appeal to me. So I am just drinking less than I normally would just so I don’t have to pee more than I should. I hate being in this place. This whole thing also has made the constipation worse. I really think because I am not using the muscles to empty my bladder which are the same muscles to have a bowel movement, my bowels have decided not to move so much, even with taking laxatives and stuff. I just can’t deal. No one understands and I don’t even know who to talk to about it. Just makes me feel more suicidal.

This salivary gland thing is not getting better like I thought it was. There is this pressure on my throat from the swelling. It’s not painful, just uncomfortable. I look like a pelican as I have a pouch of swelling under my jaw. It is making the muscles tense and it is so hard to relax. I guess I should take some more Ativan just to relax the muscles so I could possibly sleep tonight. I just emptied my bladder, which wasn’t much in there like I thought there would be. Hopefully I can sleep through the night because I really don’t want to be up all night like last night.

DDDAAAAAAAA YANKEES LOSE!!!!! I am so happy the Snakes choked again. The Houston Astros are going to the World Series with the Washington Nationals. I am rooting for the Nats to win the Series. This is the first time ever they have made it to the Series. I partly stayed up to see who would win as the top of the 9th, the snakes tied the ballgame. I was so happy the Astros won the bottom of the 9th with a homerun.

In addition to the four appointments I have this week, I also need to make four phone calls. One is to the uro’s office to make sure I have the right office I am going to. I got to ask the uro about why she wants me to see an occupational therapist. She told me she would refer me but I am not sure why I have to see one. Maybe when I tell her I have the hang of it, I won’t have to. I am sure it is up to me but other than them giving me tips on how to carry the stuff, I don’t think they can be of help unless they can suddenly let me grow a third hand. The other one I need to make is for my food stamps. I need to find out if paying for private insurance can count as an expense so I can increase the money I get per month. I am disabled so I might be able to have this new medical expense with the catheters on too as it’s like $50/mo for it.

My suicidal mood is up to planning a date again sometime soon. I can’t help but think about it because it just is what I want to fucking do. I don’t want to live to see my next birthday. My rebirthday is coming up next week. It will be two years living as G legally. I really love it and wish the rest of my transition could go through but unfortunately it can’t right now because of this fucking construction business. I found out a few weeks ago, it isn’t happening till April. Well, that is all well and good as I will be fucking gone by then. I don’t want to live to see my 44th birthday. I just don’t. I can’t stand living this way anymore, between being in pain every fucking day, being depressed, and now medically falling apart…it is just too much.