Feeling sad about many things
I went to the BBQ my sister was having. My niece had a few friends over and the neighbors next store came over with their award winning macaroni and cheese. OMG this mac and cheese is so outstanding! I was talking with my neighbor about things and then my med alarm went off saying I had to take my 4pm med. I said I had to take a pill and I will be back but I went upstairs and couldn’t catch my breath. I was so winded. I became depressed because I hate that I am so deconditioned. I even went slow on the stairs but it didn’t matter. My heart rate went berserk. I had to rest. I had to charge my phone as well so it was just as well that I stay in my room.
I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I finally got past the first part where there was rap. I can’t stand rap. It didn’t seem to bother me so much today. I really like this musical. I am debating on signing up to Disney Plus so I can watch the movie. I am not a huge movie person so I seriously have to decide to sign up for it. Hulu was giving a package deal of $12.99 for that stream, ESPN+, and some other stream provider. I might sign up for it just to watch some sports. The soundtrack has come to the end and I am in awe! This was such a great musical to hear. I nearly cried when Hamilton’s son died. Then he dies close to where his son did. Such a great story.
I have felt so down about not having energy like I used to have. I feel so weak and I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like a slug. I can only move slowly and if I try to move at “normal” speed I get more fatigued than anything. I know I will regain my strength one day but it isn’t coming any time soon and that bothers me. I should be more compassionate towards myself but I find it hard to be that way. I just feel so useless. I can’t even shower without feeling the need to sit down several times to rest my back. It is driving me mad.
I don’t know if I will come out of this depression that I am in. Seems like it isn’t worth it. I keep coming back to this and it is getting so tiring. I am not sure what gets me into these funks but I am 100% certain they are the same thing just hitting me at different points in time. Sometimes I have physical symptoms and other times I will just have the mental anguish. I am having the mental anguish now. I don’t think life is worth living. I think I will be better off dead. I don’t see the point in living but I keep going just because I just can’t stop. I surrender to the thoughts but don’t act on them. I never act on them and my therapist wonders why I don’t. I wish I knew the answer. I might just be afraid of dying or failing to kill myself. It is one of these two and I am not sure which one it is.
Saturday Blog 20062020
I just woke up about a half hour ago. I finished off the second piece of steak that I made the other night. It was good but I will never buy a marinated steak again. It takes too blah and definitely needed steak sauce to eat it. I enjoyed it none the less. I made iced tea and had it with my meal. It started to get hot in the kitchen so after I finished, I retreated back to my room where it is much cooler. I need to shower today and probably will after I write this blog.
Last night I was journaling and wrote some thoughts about my therapist and how she has been treating me. I feel like she wants me to dump her for some reason. I think that is what she wants. I see her on Monday and will discuss this with her. I feel it is important because she doesn’t want to have contact outside of therapy and that bothers me. I know therapy is the place to talk about stuff but sometimes you need some contact outside of therapy to know you are doing okay or at least to know there is someone who cares. I am feeling like she doesn’t care about me and thus wants me to dump her. I don’t know how real this is and I won’t until I talk to her on Monday. But it was good getting the feelings out on paper.
I need to shave. I think I will do that before I shower. I also need to shave my under arms. It grows like a weed in there. Seems like I shave it and then I have to do it again in a week or so. I hate all this hair that I am having. I broke out with cystic acne on my chest and upper back. Hurts like hell. I don’t know what to do for it. I might have to ask my doctor for something because the OTC stuff isn’t helping this kind of acne. I just hope I don’t have to see a dermatologist to get some relief. It could be a while before I can see someone. I just hope my back doesn’t act up while I am shaving. Lately if I stand more than a few minutes, it cramps up on me and I am unable to do anything until I sit down for a few minutes or sometimes more than a few. I can’t wait till I start PT so I can get the kinks out so I can live my life again without pain in my back. I really hope the PT can help me with this. I know it isn’t going to be an overnight thing but if it helps, it helps.
Not good enough
I had a difficult session with my therapist. She wanted to know why I didn’t text her when I was feeling suicidal thoughts but did to let her know I was in the ED. She said that I was “struggling” and thing is I really am not. I don’t know what the disconnect is. She keeps assuming things instead of asking how things are. Then she asked what I was going to do when I feel suicidal again and I told her I will manage. She said that wasn’t good enough. I got so frustrated at this point and I got mad. I don’t know what she wants from me. Her response always requires a different answer and I don’t have time to figure it out. I just try and figure things out as things come at me. I feel differently about things. I never feel the same about things. I might want to listen to music by someone specific or I might just want some group with no particular rhyme or reason. I might not want to listen to music. I might want to write instead. It all depends on the level of perturbation I am feeling that will drive what I do to cope. Last resorts will be to call a hotline.
It really bothered me that my therapist said this level of coping wasn’t good enough. I don’t know what she was looking for. I try and do the best I can when I am hit with the darkness and if that isn’t good enough, well, fuck you. I have decided that I am not going to text my therapist anymore. She doesn’t want me to anyways unless it is appointment related. I don’t know why I bother when it isn’t what she wants so I just won’t do it anymore.
Saturday Blog 16052020
I took a shower today. I felt like I needed one after sweating most of the night because my room was hot. We had thunderstorms last night so I had to shut my window, which I did right before the torrential downpour. It was good timing on my part. The rains started an hour after they were supposed to start so I had waited long enough. I really just wanted to go to sleep. I woke up at 4 am to use the bathroom and then was in pain until pain meds calmed it down enough so I could go back to sleep. I slept till around noon. It was nice.
I didn’t do anything else today. I want to start a new book but I don’t know which one to read. I want to start the Marsha Linehan memoir but I don’t know where it scurried off to. I put it in a “place I remembered” and of course forgot where that is. I will go looking for it after I write this blog. It probably is just under some stuff that have fallen.
I am kind of in a depressed mood. I keep thinking of how limited I am in my recovery. I know I said I showered and that was laborious. I was so tired afterwards I just wanted to sleep. My back was cramping big time and it still is cramping. I can’t seem to calm it down and it’s just like things are always going to be this way. It is getting me down. I am having trouble keeping in mind that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been two months almost. I think I really need to be back in PT but with the covid restrictions I don’t think I can right now. I also don’t know if it is safe to do so with the fluid build up in my back, which could be why I am hurting so much. I just wish I had enough pain medication to cover the amount of pain I am in. I think I am going to ask my pcp for an increase in dose. Worse he could say is no, which will probably be the answer anyways.
If I can’t find the Linehan book, I just bought a history book on Reagan and Gorbachev on the Cold War. I am interested in how that came about. I hope it is a good book. It isn’t too long so I am looking forward to reading it if I can’t find the memoir. I just need to find a bookmark. Think I will try and find the CRPS ones that I bought a few months ago. Those are nice and sturdy. I got them from a UK organization. They have some good information about the condition on Twitter and FB. I don’t remember the name of it off the top of my head but if I do, I will post a pic of the bookmark on my next post.