Clearing room and pain

I’ve been slowly making some progress in my room. I was making room so some office stuff could go in. Then I talked to my youngest sister and she said I should just be clearing my room so they could rip up my rug and fix the wall in my room that is bubbling. News to me. I know they wanted to do this but where they were to put my bedroom stuff and office stuff remains a mystery to me. Unless some of it goes in my Mother’s room while they do the stuff and then vice versa. Yes, they want to rip up my mother’s rug, too. I wouldn’t mind having linoleum. I have always hated having a rug but it was what my mother wanted, not me.

I have been talking to someone on Twitter past couple of weeks, maybe more. My moods have been volitile, not in a violent sense, but in how morbid and suicidal they can become when my chronic pain flares up, which has been awful since the stress and moving/clearing stuff has started. So me and this person talking and I’ve been telling them how suicidal I was. Last night, I was letting go of my feelings, not only talking privately but also in my Twitter feed. The person got concerned so reported me. I was pissed off, worried cops would show up at my house later this morning. I am not sure how Twitter handles such a threat. I may lose access to my account for a bit or I would get a thing of saying someone reported me and I should call a hotline. Or both these should occur as well as a wellness check by local PD. We ended up talking through stuff. I venting to her the frustrations of things but not really saying why I stressed. We go into the dynamics of suicide prevention. She suggested moved to Houston. I told them I thought of going to Menninger for treatment but they just use treatment as usual, which I am not quite sure what that is. I just know it is a 6-8 week program which may help keep some of the demons at bay. One study they did was actually successful in preventing relapse. I forget the discipline they used, but I think it was some kind of CBT. I know David Jobes had tried CAMS with suicidal persons but there was a lack of communication between study personnel and staff. Also some staff had attitudes of “they are just going to do it anyway”, which is a myth. Anyway, as moving doesn’t seem to be an option, I am unable to access the programs the Twitter person mentioned. They were still concerned for my safety and I kept reassuring them I okay. I couldn’t say it with 100% certainty but I knew I wasn’t going to do it last night. I have a baseball game I will be going to tonight and then I am to see my psych Friday. The weekend is up in the air.

I’ve been thinking of ending things for so long now. I probably should be in the hospital but I can’t for fear of what my sisters and mother will do with my stuff. My middle sister has “given” me a month to go through my stuff in the living room. My youngest wants me to go through the stuff in my bedroom. Problem is I cannot be in two places at once. Nor can I do stuff on a daily basis. My pain was through the roof just to finishing clearing 1 box in my room and then setting up my new modem. Now I just need to vacuum the area and go through my bookcase so I can get some books off the floor. I got approximately a shelf and a half, maybe more as there are some books I just want in boxes to put the newer books. I also want to get rid of my subwoofer and desktop computer to make room on my desk. I was going to part with it but have decided not to. I can put some more books on it as well as store my office supplies once I go through the drawers.

There is no doubt my mood has tanked horribly and so fast. My appetite has come back but my normal level of depression has not. I am so stressed with my sister here. She has taken over nearly every room. The kitchen is full of her stuff that there is no counter space like there was. I have no idea why she wanted to have her kitchen stuff here. We don’t need two mixers and can openers as well as towels and utensils. It is too much. And the bathroom! Omg. Her son and her have so many bathroom stuff. I know my mother and i had a lot of bathroom stuff but they have double what we have. JFC.

I need to have my eyes checked. I am not sure if my pain or exhaustion causes my eyes to become unfocused at times or my glasses just need to be updated. Although with my current “extra” money going towards my cable bill this month, I am not sure when I can afford new glasses. I have a pair of frames that I want to have the lenses but not sure they will do that at the eye place I go to or if I have to go else where for the lenses. Last time I just tried to do this, it costed me the same price as getting a frame and lenses. But I think my I insurance will cover the cost so it won’t be as expensive. I want to get the kind of lenses that repel dust and smudges, a type of oil repellent as well as anti glare. This kind is expensive but if it saves me from having to clean my lenses two, three times every day, it will be worth it. The type of frame I have I think will be better for multifocal lenses as they are bigger than what I am wearing now. I hate having to wear glasses all the time because if I don’t my eyes become unfocused and everything becomes blurred. It really hurts my eyes because I am straining them to see.

So this is the update. I wrote this on my phone so if there are typos or words missing (my phone has gotten in the habit of erasing words after I type them) please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks

Splits

Splits

Lately I have been feeling like I have been losing what is left of my mind. I have been having some strange symptoms, like when the sun goes down, I turn into a villain. Every thing that is me changes to this wicked gloomy, suicidal, depressive self. Since I have been more aware of it, it has been happening less. I have been trying to get on a sleep schedule but my Sox team is on the west coast so have late games. And depending on how they do, I can get really excited and agitated very easily (as my tweets will prove). I just don’t understand why I get this way. I am not under real stress. My pdoc suggested it is because I am lonely? I find that unlikely as I don’t feel lonely. And the fact that it’s usually in the wee hours of the morning I am writing death letters and such more so than during the day time hours. Night time hours, I become a lunatic. To off set this, my pdoc wants me to take a standing dose of Ativan. I feel like she doesn’t grasp the situation at all. I did ask her if I should take some trilafon, a medication I am more familiar with, but she doesn’t want the side effects of that med with the other meds I am taking. So I will try it tonight and see if this offsets what I have been feeling the last few nights.

I didn’t change my bedding like I wanted to. I just got really tired when I came home and was really hungry as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I will tomorrow as I really have nothing to do except go out for my coffee. I will change my bedding so it can be washed before I leave the house. I wish someone would put the sheets back on the bed for me. Taking them off I don’t mind. That is easy. But wrestling with the sheets to put them back on, wears me out to no end! I figure I will change the sheets in the morning when I get up, take a shower, wash the sheets and comforter, and then go out for coffee. I will then have my jave to juice me up and give me the energy I need to wrestle the bed. I used to love changing my sheets when I was a kid. It would take me a long time to do it because I would play with the mattress first. I would make a fortress and then jump all over the place pretending I was defending my home or something. It went on like this until I made an awful jump down on my bed and misjudged how much room I had with the windowsill. CRASH. I nearly gave myself a concussion. Gave myself a good bump on the head. No more playing after that.

I had a bladder accident today. I should know by now that a venti coffee fills my bladder up completely and that I should go to the bathroom afterwards. Because I am not aware that I am full, thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome, I dribble some urine out due to overflow. The worse part is that I don’t even feel it or that my pants are wet. Very embarrassing. I came home to a nice mess. I texted my therapist, why should I live??

Well as this is my second blog of the day, I will stop here so that I can read some more of Lincoln’s Melancholy. Maybe he can give me some inspiration to continue the fight.