writing vomit

Writing vomit

I am being overwhelmed by pain right now. I think between the PT and going up and down stairs has taxed my thigh. It could also be a reaction to the testosterone as I had the shot yesterday. Thigh has been sore since giving it. I have to inject there because I can’t keep using my right thigh. I sometimes go to the TG clinic and have the nurse give the shot if I feel like my leg can’t handle it. The good news is that it will be four weeks before I have to use my left thigh again for injections. The nerve pain always makes me think something bad is happening when it is just irritated. I hate that PTSD gets activated by pain.

My niece brought up my Gatorade bottles that I ordered. I have plenty in my room now. It should last until next month. I am scared to look at my checking account because I know I am in the red again. There was no way to avoid it this month. I just have too many expenses and not enough income. If I could work part time that would help things but I can’t work at all. Just sucks that I am limited because of my physical illness.

I have been thinking of writing to my therapist but I don’t know what to say. That partly spurred this blog. I just wanted to write my thoughts because the COVID-19 shit is getting to me. I feel like I am never going to go out again except to medical appointments and that doesn’t seem right. I want to get a latte or mocha but I don’t think Starbucks is open. A friend was having serious trouble finding one for her latte needs. Everything is still shut down and I don’t think they are going to be open for another month or so. Schools are still closed. What is pissing me off most is that these states have to bid on equipment for their state. WTF. There should not be a bidding war when it comes to a person’s life for crying out loud. This is so damn wrong I hate the greed of these people. I had to mute the conversation on Twitter because it was bothering me so much. I rarely mute current events so for me to do this, you know it is bad. I muted the words for 7 days. I am sure that there are other words that will be in place instead of COVID. I know Coronavirus will be there too. It doesn’t bother me yet. But the buffoon in chief’s mishandling of everything is really going to cost American lives. So are the states that don’t have a stay at home order, like the idiots of Florida.

I invited family for a zoom meeting and didn’t get any responses to it but then I am not sure how the thing works. It doesn’t say that so and so is going just that I invited them to join. My sister thought it was tonight but I told her it was tomorrow night at 8. She said she would download it if she remembered. Great. I have my meeting with my psych tomorrow. It will be so good to see her again. I am not sure what we will be talking about. There is a lot going on yet there isn’t. I miss baseball so damn much. Sox had wallpaper of Fenway and I took one of the left field wall. It is the scoreboard and Green Monster. There has been nothing in the news about any sports other than the billionaire Kraft giving masks to the people of Massachusetts. He used the Patriots (football) plane to deliver the items from China. That is what medical personnel need is personal protective equipment (PPE). We use them in the lab all the time so I know what the term is. I can’t imagine working without that kind of stuff. Yet today the PT was in protective gear from me because of my MRSA status. I need to get cleared of it and I am not sure how. I need to ask my PCP. He works with infectious diseases so I am sure he can get me cleared as I have had two negative nasal swabs and no infections since that stupid nurse took my urine from the bag instead of the catheter.

Back has been tight all day and now I just want to rest it. I have no appointments tomorrow except for my psych but that isn’t until evening so I don’t care. She wants this to happen and I don’t blame her. I know she is worried about me. I just hope I don’t get hungry and need to make myself something to eat like last night. I have been getting hungry at night because I am not really eating during the day. I am craving an egg sandwich right now and it will be so good to make it tomorrow. I just hope my back is up for it. I boiled eggs last night and it killed me. Course with today’s rain it didn’t help my pain.

stay the fuck at home

Stay the fuck at home

here is a funny video about the corona virus. I find it funny. It is a wonderful message. It contains swears so it won’t be safe for work.

I waited all morning for PT to come to the house. I was getting mad that she was late and didn’t call. She had said she would be here around 10 and she didn’t come until nearly 12. My head was killing me waiting. I can’t seem to sit for too long. Back tightened up after all the exercises she gave me. She wrote them down. I don’t have to see her until next week. Thank god. I don’t want to see anyone else this week.

My cousin put me in charge of organizing a zoom meeting. So I have been sending invites. I don’t know who will come or not. We have a small family on my father’s side. I got a text from one of my cousin’s who deadnamed me. I want to respond to it but she may not know I changed my name. I don’t know if she knows I am trans either. I guess we can talk about it tomorrow when the meeting happens. I think it is just going to be a few people anyways. I can’t imagine there being a lot as it is at night.

I am in a weird mood today. I feel down and out but then I feel ok only to go back down an hour or so later. I just been trying to stay afloat with something. Twitter has been a blessing and a curse today. I am informed about the virus and also who has died from it. They are starting to list doctors who have passed from the virus. It is all sad. I can only read so much before having to switch to Facebook for a little bit. But facebook is not any better for distraction because it lists the past few days events instead of today. It is so annoying. I hate the algorithm. I spend more time hiding things to get things current than actually reading stuff.

I made coffee today. I only had one cup. It is all I really wanted. It was good with my sister’s granola bars she made. Chocolate and peanut butter with oats. It was so good. I have been wanting to make an egg sandwich but my back is too stiff today to try and cook. I made boiled eggs last night and that nearly killed me. I got to have a protein though or I get hungry.

I need to take a shower but I don’t feel like it. I feel dirty for some reason. Bladder has been off the wall today with strong urges. I feel like I just make it to the bathroom on time before it lets loose on me. I hate that I got to run to the bathroom. Just makes me feel like I don’t have control. I haven’t cathed today. I just been voiding on my own because the urge has been so strong. Yesterday was a cath day. Maybe I am going like every other day cath/void. Least my urine has been clear so I know I don’t have an infection.

stitches are out

Stitches are out

I had a very tiring day. I woke up with minutes to spare to catch the driver to get to the hospital. I am glad I dressed quickly. There was no traffic to the hospital so I was an hour early. I tried to get something to eat but they weren’t accepting cash so I didn’t get anything. I spent an hour in the empty waiting room waiting for the doctor. He took the stitches out and said things looked good. He said that the disc I was concerned about was compressing things so he fixed it. I don’t have to worry about it now. He did say that I had a dura tear that had to be repaired and that was why I had to lay flat. It took a good few days to be able to sit up right in bed. I still am not feeling well sitting up but I did okay on my way there. I had to walk all over because the place of pick up was at a different building than where my doctor’s office was. I am now paying for it as my foot has flared up.

I had a phone session with my psychopharm. We talked about how I was doing. She thinks part of the reason I am not so depressed is because of the anesthesia. She may be right. I don’t know how long the effect is going to be but it has been two weeks and despite feeling devastated at times, I feel okay. I told her that I was numb and I told her where. I felt funny telling her but she seemed to understand that this is complex and not something that is going to recover in a few weeks. It could be months before I have feeling back. Surgeon even said that. So I just have to take it day by day. She wants me to write more as she feels it could be a good coping mechanism. I cringed. I don’t see my writing as a coping mechanism. I just do it because it feels right. I have some things to express and I express them. They all go into a void for me and I don’t remember what I write usually. Granted right now I am not writing in despair or in a desperate state. I told her I haven’t felt suicidal but I have been hearing hallucinations of music that I have been having to take trilafon for. She asked if I had any side effects and I said my fine motor skills are affected. I can’t seem to hold a pen without shaking a bit. Writing is smooth once I start but I do tremble a little bit. I don’t know if it is anxiety or what but I hate that this is happening. I love writing in my journal and that this tremor is keeping me from writing when I need to. I also want to write to the therapist but I am not sure what to write. I will ask her when I talk to her next Monday.

My pcp messed up my pain meds so now I am behind a week with my other pain meds. He didn’t send off a 30 day supply. I now got to wait till this weekend to get it. I blame that stupid NP in the hospital for messing up the counts. I don’t know why she felt the need to give me a script when I already had a script and my doc would have done it not her. Would have been easier to do things through my pcp than through her anyways.

Surgeon asked if I was voiding and I told him I was. He asked if I could feel myself be full. I can at times but not 100% of the time. I still need to cath every day so I make sure that I am empty. Today I haven’t been voiding much on my own. I have had to cath because I just couldn’t feel full even though I know I drank enough that I should have been full. I still can’t believe this is my new life. It takes so much out of me knowing that I am not a full bodied person anymore. It kills me that this may not go away. I just worry about bowel accidents now because of feeling numb. I haven’t taken Miralax since I have been home. I keep forgetting to take it. It is hard because I don’t have a cup in my room to mix it up in. I keep forgetting to bring up a cup. I might use a water bottle for my mixing. I bought a 32 oz Gatorade bottle that I can mix my drinks in. I bought the powder to make Gatorade. I figure that might help cut down on buying the stuff. I would make a bottle now but my back is all locked up from this morning’s activities. I am really hurting. I am also so very tired despite taking a three hour nap. I just hope I am not up in pain all night because I slept during the day. I am feeling sleepy as I took my night meds an hour ago. I hope I am asleep before midnight. That would be good if I was able to sleep before midnight with no trips to the bathroom. Last night I woke up once or twice but was able to stay in bed. I didn’t have to use the bathroom. I think if I got up I probably wouldn’t have woken up at 9 like I did today.

Tomorrow PT is coming. I am not sure if nursing is going to come by or not. I usually will get a call in the morning if they are going to come by. I don’t think they need to because I saw the surgeon today and I am doing good. I am just worried about PT and what they will want me to do. I want to do what they ask of me but at the same time, I am not sure that I can do it. I forgot to ask the surgeon about it. Being fart brained didn’t help. I wish I had coffee before I left the house. It would have helped tremendously. I think I will have coffee tomorrow at my sister’s. She has a Keurig that is awesome.

Fast Car

Fast Car

This song has been covered by my favorite male country artist, Luke Comb. I started crying listening to it because it brought back such memories of the past. It made me sad that things are changed and now I will never be able to work or do much else. I am feeling discouraged because of my back pain right now. I tried going to the bathroom again and failed to cath on the first try. I thought I was going to pass out on the toilet as I couldn’t stand for the length of time to pee. It took longer because I couldn’t get it done right. Pissed me off, no pun intended.

I am having a difficult time sleeping again. I can’t seem to settle down. It has been like this all day. I got a bloody headache so made myself a sandwich, which took more spoons than I thought it would. I was already in the negative. I couldn’t have someone else make me the sandwich because there is no one else. I could have heated up some chili but I will have that tomorrow with some tortilla wraps. It is really good with the flour tortillas. I like to make a little burrito out of the chili.

My sister made a beef stew today. It was her first. It was okay. I like my mother’s better. Hers had a weird taste to it. I am not sure what it was, possibly too many bay leaves. There was nothing to the thing as the potatoes had disintegrated and there was hardly any beef. It was all stew which was good with a couple pieces of bread. I always enjoy a stew. I need to buy some chunky soup. I haven’t had them in a long while and the soup is really thick. I like soups that are hearty.

I don’t know if my blogs have been making sense. They have been just a stream of consciousness that I use because I cannot sleep. I would write but my fine motor skills have been affected by the medication Invega. I also been taking PRNs of trilafon, another culprit in the deterioration of my skills. I just feel so shaky lately because of this fatigue. I am not looking forward tomorrow. I know I will be fine but it might take me a few days to recover.

I’ve been in contact with my psych and she wants to have a zoom meeting with me. I will be seeing her face to face for the first time in 9 months. Can’t believe it has been that long. She sent me her information for our appointment and I can’t wait. I just hope there are no glitches. That would really suck. Things have been going okay with the virtual visits for therapy. I haven’t been fully present though so I find it hard to talk about stuff because I don’t know what to talk about. I am not really depressed though I am feeling devastated at times. I cannot believe that my surgeon was so good to help me get better but things will still take time. I have it in my record now that I had a tethered cord. I got to contact my neurologist and let her know about it. I know she wanted to know the outcome of the surgery. Maybe I will do that tomorrow as I don’t have anything else to tell her other than I got a numb butt and genitalia. Price of surgery I guess. I just hope in time feeling comes back. I got to ask the surgeon this. He would know or maybe he wouldn’t know for sure but I think feeling will come back in time because there is no other compression going on. He had to irritate the nerve to get it to go numb. Those nerves are sensitive and take a while to recover, if they recover at all. That is why I am worried and devastated at times. Bladder is still being the same as it has been though I have been voiding more just because I want to see if I could. I do but I don’t empty my bladder fully so that isn’t good. That can lead to infection with residual urine in the tank. I am emptied now and hope that I can sleep. It is just after midnight so I will stop here for now.