Saturday Blog 23012021
My day sort of started at 0400 when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep until almost 0600. I slept until my sister woke me up with her thundering up the stairs to do god knows what to her room. When I came downstairs for coffee, the kitchen table was all a mess. Cleaning products covered the table you couldn’t even sit down. I was pissed. I hate when she does this. I moved a box of the stuff to the floor and left it there. I don’t give a fuck.
I was in pain with my ankle after I had my coffee. I had to go to the post office to drop off a package. I really didn’t want to leave the house because it was cold out and I knew I would be waiting outside for a while before being able to drop off the package. Luckily, they had a click and ship bin in the front so I was able to drop it off without waiting in line. My mother gave me an errand to do for Walgreens so I did that. I was in pain by the time I came home and my mother noticed. My back was flared up. I went up to my room but I didn’t rest for too long. My sister texted me to go back downstairs to watch my mother. I hate that she needs to be babysat. I brought a book down and my new neck and shoulder heat wrap. My shoulders were starting to hurt and they just got worst by the time my sister came home a few hours later. I still am in agony. My left shoulder hurts so damn much. I put some diclofenac gel on it and that seemed to calm some of the soreness down. I am really miserable with this pain. I can’t wait to see the PT on Wed so I can get treated for this. I think I am going to do the dry needling as that is my best option. It is going to hurt like a mofo but it needs to be done. I will take some pain meds for after the session and a bottle of water.
I wanted to clear off my bed today but that didn’t happen. I will have to try tomorrow. I really want to change my sheets and put the new foam topper on. Temps are going to be freezing tonight with the wind chill bringing the temps close to zero or below. The wind today was awful. It really made things colder than what they were. I know I am going to be cold tonight because I still have the AC in my window and the wind comes in pretty good through the vent. I don’t mind. I rather be cold than hot anyways.
I saw my cousin today. She gave me a rollator walker and I gave her some eye drops. It was so good seeing her but so hard not to give her a hug! We socially distanced and wore masks. We made sure to do so because we didn’t want to infect one another in case one of us got it. This virus sucks! I hate it. I miss my cousins so much.
I didn’t go to partial today. I needed to sleep because I was up all night again after I had to pee around 0130. It took me several hours to get back to sleep. I wasn’t in pain I just couldn’t sleep. My mind kept wandering. I felt like blogging but knew if I got on the laptop I would be up all night. Luckily I was asleep by 4. I had already emailed the coordinator of the program I wouldn’t be in today. I got an email from one of them about LGBTQ friendly therapists. I am thinking of changing therapists. I don’t think the therapist I am seeing is right for me anymore. She is good but too good for me. I don’t think I can stand her being such a pusher for DBT.
Yesterday was quite the circus when I had therapy. My sister said I couldn’t use her bedroom so I was in her kitchen which was little to no privacy. I couldn’t talk about what I wanted to talk about so we talked about the Sox for a bit. It was a little chaotic trying to talk to her as my sister was coordinating a move of furniture and she was ordering me to do stuff. It was not how I planned therapy. I almost cried I was so distraught.
I’ve been deeply depressed for most of the day today. I just have been in pain with my shoulders. My right shoulder is now having pain. I hope PT can do both of them but I am not sure. I am going to give dry needling a try. It is supposed to be uncomfortable but from what I read in the material the PT gave me is the best option for my condition. It might be faster than regular therapy. I just know it sucks being in pain every day with this.
I have a zoom call with my cousins tonight. Should be fun. I always enjoy talking with them. These are my cousins from my father’s side of the family. There are about 9 of us total so it is a good group. I love and miss them so much. I can’t wait till covid is done with so we can meet in person again. It really sucks not seeing family members. I am lucky that I live with my mother and I know others can’t see their parents right now. I feel for them. I really do. Right now my older friend has covid. He is asymptomatic as far as I have been told. But that means I can’t see him right now until after this pandemic is done with. It’s too dangerous to see friends, especially with this new variant going around that is supposed to be more contagious than the main virus. I want to get vaccinated but no place around me has yet to provide the vaccine. I am still waiting.
PT, Partial, and other things
I had partial today. I went to three groups. The last group dealt with gender identity and I really liked it. Nearly half the participants were trans. The others were either trans NB or non-binary. It was a good group of people. I tried to pay attention to the DBT skill willingfulness but I just couldn’t. It is too complicated. Too many rules. I have two more days of groups and then I am done. I don’t want to go back.
After group I had some time to kill before PT. I took some Zanaflex because I needed it. I should have taken pain meds but I didn’t need it at that time. I went to PT and my whole shoulder girdle is knotted up. From my neck to my shoulder is all tense and hard. Even now as I am speaking my neck is twitching with pain. I just put some diclofenac gel on it. It seems to have calmed it down some. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt trying to get the knots out. I have to work with a tennis ball on my deltoid and the muscle near my shoulder blade. I also need to apply heat twice a day.
I need to shower tomorrow. I haven’t showered in almost a week. I am being lazy so I am keeping my beard. I just need to hop in the shower but I have no drive to do so. I know why it is so hard. I don’t want to be in pain and taking a shower causes me pain. I am traumatized by my own body. I miss the days where I would shower until the water got cold.
The PT wants to do dry needling which is similar to acupuncture. She said that it can get uncomfortable and after she was just touching the pressure points today, I believe it will cause me some discomfort. I am going to read through the information she gave me so that I can be informed. Either way, I am going to hurt with this therapy. The knots aren’t going to undo themselves and I can’t stand being in this much pain.
I have psychotherapy tomorrow. I was looking forward to it but now I am dreading it. I hope that I can talk without being in too much pain tomorrow. My shoulder has been giving me some real grief after partial. I want to talk about being traumatized by my body. I don’t know if she will talk about it or not but I think it is important to bring up. I don’t want to have the conversation but I also need to shower. I also need to talk about the trauma my father put us through when I was in my teens. I know I have been over it a million times but the anniversary is coming up and I want to be ready.
Cramping and don’t know why
Past two days I have felt cramps in my lower abdomen similar to period cramps but I no longer get them and I am worried it could be my bladder as they seem more intense when I am full or close to it. I still don’t have a clear sense to when I am full due to nerve damage I have suffered from. I am supposed to have urodynamic testing to see if my bladder has improved or not but scheduling has been difficult due to Covid. I need to bite the bullet and call to make the appointment. I also need to have a hysterectomy because if these cramps are uterine cramps I want the fucking thing gone. It is totally useless to me.
I have been in a bad mood all weekend, well, not really bad just really depressed and suicidal. I have been in so much pain with my ankle the past few days that the pain is really driving me insane. I’ve had to take more breakthrough meds just to get through the day and then my shoulders have been acting up so I have been in some serious pain last few days. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it. I haven’t brought it up in group because physical pain is not really a mental health issue, though with it causing me to be suicidal, I guess you can say it is. I just have been zoning out in groups. I have my last week this week, thank god. I will be going five days this week, three groups per day. I tend to go to the first three groups unless the fourth one is interesting and I want to go to it. Then I will skip the DBT one for the fourth. The program had been helpful but now that I find myself in a semi crisis I am finding it didn’t really help that much. I found myself asking “ok, what skill or coping thing can I do”? but nothing was really coming to me as I didn’t know what to fucking do. I was in pain so going downstairs for an ice pack to use the TIPP skill wasn’t possible. I just wanted to die and as instantaneously as possible. Today has been better but these cramps are getting me down. I haven’t been faithfully taking my bladder spasm medication so it is possible my bladder is upset right now.
I just realized I forgot to do my meds this afternoon. I will have to do them soon as I need to take them in about an hour. Can’t believe I forgot. Today has just gotten away with me with all the pain I have been having. I got on my sister’s scale today and found that it was almost a ten pound difference between my scale. So all this time I thought I gained weight, I really lost weight. I feel better about this. My weight has been slowly decreasing over the past few weeks. I am really hoping to lose at least twenty-five pounds so I can have top surgery. I don’t know when I will have it but I hope it will be sometime this year.