fatigue continues

Fatigue continues

I had a difficult night sleeping. I had a bad dream where my molester was at my house and I was accusing him of abuse, which he denied. Then he got so mad he tried to kill me. I woke up very scared and it took me a while to get back to sleep. I then had to pee and I must have been holding on to the pee longer than I thought because then my abdomen started hurting after I was empty. I managed to go back to sleep and slept till a little after 8. I used the bathroom again and it was the same thing. I was very full and my bladder hurt when I was empty. I didn’t drink that much during the time I was awake. I was careful not to. I took my morning meds when I came back to my room and then went back to sleep again. I woke up a little after 12 and I was so damn tired. I wanted to go to the grocery store to exchange a coffee but I fear the trip will wear me out too much so I don’t want to go.

I also have been having frozen moments where I feel like I can’t move. Like I am stuck. I don’t know if it a symptom of PTSD or a side effect of the medication I take. I got to talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him on Tues. I also need to ask him if he would give me a 90 day supply of the Latuda as it is the most expensive medication that I take and it will a lot when I have to pay again next year. I got to budget my meds until I reach $300 deductible. I have six meds that I get at the retail pharmacy. The rest are mail order. If I can get the Latuda on mail order that would be good because it is $140 for 90 days.

I took a double dose of Miralax today because it has been days since I moved my bowels. I am getting so backed up. When I got up, I had two cups of coffee and sometimes that triggers me to go to the bathroom but lately it hasn’t done it. I will double dose until I go and then go back to regular dosing. I take this with Gatorade and it just seems like the stuff takes away the flavor and just leaves the sugary taste behind. That is all that I feel like I am drinking, sugar.

Usually after every shower, I take a selfie and post it. I do this so there is a record of when I last showered as I usually don’t remember. It has been five days since I last took one so I might end up taking one tonight before bed. I stopped shaving the back of my head and sides so I am just going to let it grow. Yesterday I was going to see my barber but I used the money to get the keys to the house as my mother didn’t have the full amount to pay for them. I canceled my appointment but will go sometime next week.

Shoulder is really hurting so when I went downstairs to put my dinner in the oven, I heated up the heat pack. It helped a little bit but caused my neck to hurt. So now when I go back downstairs, I need to put heat on my neck. I am making a beef pot pie for dinner and hope I don’t burn myself again. I have not had luck with these pies. The first one, I got a 2nd degree burn and the last one I made, I burned my finger. Think I got to wear oven mitts when taking the pie out of the oven and when I transfer it to a plate.

Red Taylor’s Version

Red Taylor’s Version

I am still waiting for my CDs to be delivered from Amazon so I am listening to this album via Amazon Music because I pay for the unlimited. I had downloaded the songs but apparently the buy CD get digital free doesn’t work anymore. I have downloaded the songs but they are just on the app and not on my phone.

I just finished listening to the album the entire way through, without the shuffle on or repeat on. I fucking love it. Her version of Better Man is so fricken cool. I still think of my father with this song. I was ok with Babe but Jennifer Nettles sings it better. And for the life of me I cannot think who sang Better Man first so I had to google it to find Little Big Town did. I listened first on speaker and now I am listening via headphones to get a better experience of it. Some of the songs sound better than the original version. You can definitely hear the more mature Taylor’s voice on the album. I love the addition of violins to Last Time. When the album first came out I was fixated on this song. I must have listened to it a thousand times but I just love the melody of the song rather than I listened to the lyrics.

The “All too well” 10 minute version is so fucking cool. It kind of messed me up when listening to it because of the added lyrics. I cannot wait to see the movie tonight at 7pm. I cannot believe how well this song is. I thought it would be instrumental but I am so glad there is lyrics. There are a couple of songs that I didn’t hear before because they were on the deluxe album and I didn’t purchase it. Ronan was and is a sad song. It is about a four year-old’s death. The lyrics are stunningly beautiful. I never heard this song before now but I heard about it from a fellow Swiftie I follow on Twitter. Amazon delivered my songs and I got them on my phone now. After dealing with my stupid MP3 app, I have all 30 songs in a folder/playlist so I don’t have to play each album separately. Dumb thing.

Arm is hurting me today but that is because I am using the muscles a little more and I made the mistake of lifting my arm while trying to lift my Tshirt up so I could put my phone in my pocket. I am more left handed than I think I am. I write like a second grader because that was the last time I wrote with my hand. I never realized how much I use my arm until I hurt it. Even typing hurts my sore forearm.

I had two cups of coffee back to back as I was listening for the first time the new album. It caused colon blow but I am ok. I made it to the bathroom in time. But I am so damn tired. I could nap right now. I was up a few times during the night. I woke up sometime before 4 to use the bathroom. I didn’t know if I had to go or not when I woke up. I never really went back to sleep. I got up around 9. I took my meds and then listened to the album as I made coffee. I had the kitchen to myself as my mother was leaving the house for an appointment. I had a bowl of cereal as I was starving. I hadn’t eaten anything since last night when my mother made eggplant. I haven’t been eating too good lately. I just been eating one meal a day. My mother is making fish tonight so I will have some of that. I didn’t have lunch yet. I don’t really know what to make. I should make some eggs. I haven’t had them in a while. I don’t know.

Saturday Blog 06112021

Saturday Blog 06112021

Today I am dealing with an influx of junk mail being filtered to my inbox rather than junk mail folder. I must have gotten at least a half dozen notifications today so far that are junk. I don’t know what is the problem. I sent a message to outlook hoping to find a reason. It’s jut ridiculous. The emails are all bogus. But I think I got a handle on it as most of the emails are from the same domain.

I sort of woke up when my med alarm went off at 0830. I made the mistake of falling back to sleep and now I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I only woke up once during the night and that was to go pee. I hope when I go for my test next week that it records the urge sensation when I am cathing. It is so uncomfortable to be going about my business cathing and then get an uncontrollable urge to pee. Sometimes my stream becomes stronger and then urine goes everywhere. It is messy and I hate it.

I had a cup of coffee and I might have a second cup soon as I am so fricken tired. I think I am going to heat up the chicken pot pie that I have for lunch. I haven’t really eaten anything today. My mother made zucchini and had a little of that but it was wicked salty.

Ohio State and Nebraska are playing each other in college football. Every year they play each other and every year I am conflicted who to root for because they are my favorite teams. OSU is beating the Huskers right now. I think OSU is going to beat them, again. Nebraska has been holding up some good defense though. It is a close game right now. And OSU wins 26-17!

My damn shoulder is killing me today. I put heat on my ribs as the muscles are sore. My bicep keeps throbbing along with my wrist/forearm. I can’t wait till I see the doc on Monday and they decide what they are going to do. I hope I can delay PT for a few weeks until I get my back PT in. I don’t think I need the full six weeks as usually one to three dry needle sessions is all I need. I start PT on Tues. It is with the same PT that I had earlier this year. She is good and I like her style.

a rest day that wasn’t restful

A rest day that wasn’t restful

I had a shitty night of sleep. I kept waking up like every two hours with my shoulder hurting me, all because I checked to see if we needed juice. I had reached into the fridge with my sore arm and then lifted the gallon of juice. A bad idea as I was rewarded with pain in my shoulder that would continue all night. Around 0200 I got up and started writing and that helped. I went back to bed around 0400 and stayed asleep until 7. My baby sister’s birthday is today and she needed a wingman to help her with errands today so I got up around 8. I had my coffee and half a bagel. We then went into town for my sister to do her things. On the way home we stopped at the pharmacy so I could pick up my new blood pressure medicine. I asked questions about it as I don’t know much about it. It could make you drowsy so I was being aware if I was any more tired than I already was. I had tried to nap several times today but couldn’t.

I ordered my groceries last night as my mother needed somethings. They were an hour late so they waived the delivery fee. I then had anxiety bringing up all the groceries by myself. There is still four gallons of water in the front hallway that I am too tired to bring up. My sister said she will bring it up after work. I had to bring up the water with one arm as I couldn’t carry a gallon with my bad arm. It was a long process with many trips up and down the stairs. I got hot and sweaty and tired. I had to have a cup of coffee to try and stay awake for my sister’s party and for dinner. My sister is making raviolis.

All I wanted to do today was rest and I didn’t. I got a huge anxiety attack despite going up and down the stairs. I think it was because I was carrying something heavy and trying to keep my balance on the stairs. I also knew that I would be the one to do it all by myself and that overwhelmed me. My mother is coming around to the idea of getting a bubbler of water for the house so we don’t buy water anymore. It probably will be cheaper in the long run to have delivery service. The only question is where to put it.

My right knee still hurts from the fall. I meant to have my pcp take a look at it but I forgot. Maybe I can get the ortho doc to look at it when I see him Mon. I think it is just bruised as it only hurts when I kneel on it. I need to take a shower as I am really sweaty and feel icky from it. I also need to shave my head. I have decided I am going to grow my beard out for the month.

I had asked my therapist if I did the work on the hopelessness paper if she wanted to see it. She said yes. Fuck. Now I got to work on it. I am getting there as I have been thinking of what to write. I just hope I can pick up where I left off. That is always a hard thing to do.