a going off blog

A going off blog

I am just going to bitch about the problems in my life today because I have a therapist I can’t really talk to at times because she intimidates me. I have been slowly getting the recycle in my room together to be thrown in the recycle to be picked up tomorrow. It might seem like I am a hoarder but I am not. I just get overwhelmed and I don’t want the criticism that I drink too much Gatorade every single time I bring down the recycles. I have one bag of trash that needs to be thrown out. The problem is that the blood pressure medication that I am taking has been causing me heart rate problems. My heart rate went up to 156 and all I did was bend down to get something off the floor and when I stood up, I got wicked palpitations and heart racing. I sent a message to my doc that I want to be back on the beta blocker I was to control my BP. It was 142/94 today so the medication isn’t helping just causing problems/side effects.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist last night because I was so fed up with being in pain and being tired all the time because I am not sleeping during the night. I fought fatigue most of the day yesterday and didn’t nap. Last night was the same deal. I woke up around 0130 to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to stay off my phone even though I had messages. My psychiatrist wrote back saying that he supports me. I told him I hadn’t showered in days or brushed my teeth. Last night before bed I did brush my teeth. I haven’t done so today yet. I still need to shower. I stink because I was sweating yesterday. I also need to shave. My stubble is going to turn into a beard soon if I don’t.

My ribs are hurting. Actually everything on my left side is hurting. During dinner I put heat on my shoulder. My mother made pork chops and mashed potatoes. It was good. Now I just want to listen to some music and maybe read a bit before taking my night meds. I haven’t touched my book all week. So much for setting aside reading time. I can’t help it sometimes I am just too tired to read. I got 11 days to finish it. I want to try and read one book a month.

fatigue continues

Fatigue continues

I had a difficult night sleeping. I had a bad dream where my molester was at my house and I was accusing him of abuse, which he denied. Then he got so mad he tried to kill me. I woke up very scared and it took me a while to get back to sleep. I then had to pee and I must have been holding on to the pee longer than I thought because then my abdomen started hurting after I was empty. I managed to go back to sleep and slept till a little after 8. I used the bathroom again and it was the same thing. I was very full and my bladder hurt when I was empty. I didn’t drink that much during the time I was awake. I was careful not to. I took my morning meds when I came back to my room and then went back to sleep again. I woke up a little after 12 and I was so damn tired. I wanted to go to the grocery store to exchange a coffee but I fear the trip will wear me out too much so I don’t want to go.

I also have been having frozen moments where I feel like I can’t move. Like I am stuck. I don’t know if it a symptom of PTSD or a side effect of the medication I take. I got to talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him on Tues. I also need to ask him if he would give me a 90 day supply of the Latuda as it is the most expensive medication that I take and it will a lot when I have to pay again next year. I got to budget my meds until I reach $300 deductible. I have six meds that I get at the retail pharmacy. The rest are mail order. If I can get the Latuda on mail order that would be good because it is $140 for 90 days.

I took a double dose of Miralax today because it has been days since I moved my bowels. I am getting so backed up. When I got up, I had two cups of coffee and sometimes that triggers me to go to the bathroom but lately it hasn’t done it. I will double dose until I go and then go back to regular dosing. I take this with Gatorade and it just seems like the stuff takes away the flavor and just leaves the sugary taste behind. That is all that I feel like I am drinking, sugar.

Usually after every shower, I take a selfie and post it. I do this so there is a record of when I last showered as I usually don’t remember. It has been five days since I last took one so I might end up taking one tonight before bed. I stopped shaving the back of my head and sides so I am just going to let it grow. Yesterday I was going to see my barber but I used the money to get the keys to the house as my mother didn’t have the full amount to pay for them. I canceled my appointment but will go sometime next week.

Shoulder is really hurting so when I went downstairs to put my dinner in the oven, I heated up the heat pack. It helped a little bit but caused my neck to hurt. So now when I go back downstairs, I need to put heat on my neck. I am making a beef pot pie for dinner and hope I don’t burn myself again. I have not had luck with these pies. The first one, I got a 2nd degree burn and the last one I made, I burned my finger. Think I got to wear oven mitts when taking the pie out of the oven and when I transfer it to a plate.

Red Taylor’s Version

Red Taylor’s Version

I am still waiting for my CDs to be delivered from Amazon so I am listening to this album via Amazon Music because I pay for the unlimited. I had downloaded the songs but apparently the buy CD get digital free doesn’t work anymore. I have downloaded the songs but they are just on the app and not on my phone.

I just finished listening to the album the entire way through, without the shuffle on or repeat on. I fucking love it. Her version of Better Man is so fricken cool. I still think of my father with this song. I was ok with Babe but Jennifer Nettles sings it better. And for the life of me I cannot think who sang Better Man first so I had to google it to find Little Big Town did. I listened first on speaker and now I am listening via headphones to get a better experience of it. Some of the songs sound better than the original version. You can definitely hear the more mature Taylor’s voice on the album. I love the addition of violins to Last Time. When the album first came out I was fixated on this song. I must have listened to it a thousand times but I just love the melody of the song rather than I listened to the lyrics.

The “All too well” 10 minute version is so fucking cool. It kind of messed me up when listening to it because of the added lyrics. I cannot wait to see the movie tonight at 7pm. I cannot believe how well this song is. I thought it would be instrumental but I am so glad there is lyrics. There are a couple of songs that I didn’t hear before because they were on the deluxe album and I didn’t purchase it. Ronan was and is a sad song. It is about a four year-old’s death. The lyrics are stunningly beautiful. I never heard this song before now but I heard about it from a fellow Swiftie I follow on Twitter. Amazon delivered my songs and I got them on my phone now. After dealing with my stupid MP3 app, I have all 30 songs in a folder/playlist so I don’t have to play each album separately. Dumb thing.

Arm is hurting me today but that is because I am using the muscles a little more and I made the mistake of lifting my arm while trying to lift my Tshirt up so I could put my phone in my pocket. I am more left handed than I think I am. I write like a second grader because that was the last time I wrote with my hand. I never realized how much I use my arm until I hurt it. Even typing hurts my sore forearm.

I had two cups of coffee back to back as I was listening for the first time the new album. It caused colon blow but I am ok. I made it to the bathroom in time. But I am so damn tired. I could nap right now. I was up a few times during the night. I woke up sometime before 4 to use the bathroom. I didn’t know if I had to go or not when I woke up. I never really went back to sleep. I got up around 9. I took my meds and then listened to the album as I made coffee. I had the kitchen to myself as my mother was leaving the house for an appointment. I had a bowl of cereal as I was starving. I hadn’t eaten anything since last night when my mother made eggplant. I haven’t been eating too good lately. I just been eating one meal a day. My mother is making fish tonight so I will have some of that. I didn’t have lunch yet. I don’t really know what to make. I should make some eggs. I haven’t had them in a while. I don’t know.

Saturday Blog 06112021

Saturday Blog 06112021

Today I am dealing with an influx of junk mail being filtered to my inbox rather than junk mail folder. I must have gotten at least a half dozen notifications today so far that are junk. I don’t know what is the problem. I sent a message to outlook hoping to find a reason. It’s jut ridiculous. The emails are all bogus. But I think I got a handle on it as most of the emails are from the same domain.

I sort of woke up when my med alarm went off at 0830. I made the mistake of falling back to sleep and now I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I only woke up once during the night and that was to go pee. I hope when I go for my test next week that it records the urge sensation when I am cathing. It is so uncomfortable to be going about my business cathing and then get an uncontrollable urge to pee. Sometimes my stream becomes stronger and then urine goes everywhere. It is messy and I hate it.

I had a cup of coffee and I might have a second cup soon as I am so fricken tired. I think I am going to heat up the chicken pot pie that I have for lunch. I haven’t really eaten anything today. My mother made zucchini and had a little of that but it was wicked salty.

Ohio State and Nebraska are playing each other in college football. Every year they play each other and every year I am conflicted who to root for because they are my favorite teams. OSU is beating the Huskers right now. I think OSU is going to beat them, again. Nebraska has been holding up some good defense though. It is a close game right now. And OSU wins 26-17!

My damn shoulder is killing me today. I put heat on my ribs as the muscles are sore. My bicep keeps throbbing along with my wrist/forearm. I can’t wait till I see the doc on Monday and they decide what they are going to do. I hope I can delay PT for a few weeks until I get my back PT in. I don’t think I need the full six weeks as usually one to three dry needle sessions is all I need. I start PT on Tues. It is with the same PT that I had earlier this year. She is good and I like her style.