waves of exhaustion are fun

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…

a day of baking in pain

A day of baking in pain

I fell asleep sometime after 2000, only to wake up around midnight. I stayed awake for a few hours. I think I went back to sleep sometime after 0300. I woke up 6 hours later in pain. My back was hurting. It went away after moving about some. I got my spare change and went to Stop and Shop to turn it in and buy a few items. The change came to like $9 and the 3 items I bought, butter, a dozen and a half of eggs, and Cheerios, came to about $7. I went back home.

My foot wasn’t hurting me but once I started preparing for baking, it flared. I made 2 Nantucket cranberry cakes. One was regular and the other was gluten free. I made the gluten free one first. I tasted the batter and it was awful. It left such a nasty after taste that I drank some almond milk to make it go away. It didn’t work. I was really tired after making this one cake so I rested a little bit before making the second one. For some reason, the batter was different. It usually is thick but it wasn’t. It tasted okay with the regular flour. I don’t know why it was thin. I did use a little more vanilla extract than it called for so maybe those extra drops thinned it. I don’t know. It cooked okay. Both cakes kind of caved in after they cooled off, which was weird. That didn’t happen before. My foot was absolutely killing me after I put the 2nd cake in the oven. I put on the timer and then went upstairs to take some pain meds.

I basically just played with my phone for about a half hour or so. My mother needed the oven so she could make dinner. I was waiting all day for my PT to respond to my emails about resuming PT. Apparently, their facility needs clearance after a hospital admission, even though I was admitted for psych not medical. So weird. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her to contact my PT to clear me. I see the PT next Tuesday. She wants me to do a pain and restorative function program but I am not sure I want to do it. It meets like twice a week and it is an all day thing where you go in at like 0830-1430 or so. It’s a combination of meeting with a pain doc, an OT, and PT. It sounds pretty intensive and I am not sure I am up for it as my stamina has not been so great. My former PCP wanted me to try it but I never got a chance to even look at it as my father got sick and then died. It was hard to deal with at the time juggling everything. I don’t know if I want to continue in the PT this therapist has because I just am not motivated to do the things she wants me to do. The depression is making everything harder and just getting out of bed is a hassle.

I went to the Dell website and tomorrow I will be getting the laptop I want. It is just a little more than $250. I hope I budgeted right. I am getting my haircut tomorrow for the RMV. I really don’t want my pic to be a Chia pet right now as my hair is all over the place. I hope I am not there all day. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow morning so I will be wearing my AFO instead of the boot. I set my alarm for 0715 so I can catch the 747 bus. The barbers open at 0830. I want to be in and out. Hope there are no bus delays, I won’t be happy if there are.

pistachios are yummy!

Pistachios are yummy!

I got up around noon. I woke up a few times during the night because of pain. My pain was gone when I did wake up but soon as I started moving around, it came back. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my script. I had put in one request and there were three when I got there. I don’t know how that happened. I got some snacks and my meds and went home. My Achilles was killing me by the time I reach my door but settled down after I took off my sneakers. I think they were a little tight so I will loosen the laces next time I go out.

I filled my med box and got hungry so I made a burger. I have one left which I will make for dinner. I just made a cup of tea as I didn’t go to the store to get half and half. Walgreens doesn’t sell it. They sell other creamers but not half and half. I am going to try and resist going back to sleep. I don’t know if I will be successful. I am really tired. Chronic pain really exhausts you.

I am feeling pretty depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I feel so depleted. I hate feeling this way. I just feel like I am a lump on a log. I have no energy to do anything. I thought about cleaning the blades of my ceiling fan but I don’t really know where the wand is to do it. And I don’t feel like trying to find it. It will be another day.

My ankle is really hurting. I took some regular pain meds a little while ago. I hope this isn’t the start of the bullshit I went through last night. Last night was horrible. I was in so much pain and nothing was calming it down. Then around 0100, things finally did calm down after I had taken a bunch of stuff (not all together). I still need to shower but not sure it is going to happen. I just don’t have the energy for it. I just want to drink my tea and maybe read my book.

Sox are on a losing streak. I am so disappointed and sad. It’s still early in the season but it’s almost June and my hopes for this season are slowly diminishing. I rarely watch the games anymore. I just follow the news feed on Twitter. I don’t even comment on how bad they do because I am out of swear words to call them. There are only so many fucks you can say. Either the pitching is really bad or the offense is. When both are, holy lost game. They have the talent, I just think they don’t care or maybe they are trying too hard. I don’t know. But it’s painful to see.