feeling exhausted

Feeling exhausted

Since Wed’s appointment I have been feeling exhausted. It was a long test and not much came from it except that the doctor switched alpha blockers. I see the NP in a month to see how things are going and if I am voiding. She was very worried about me not going for 18 hours and had me promise to cath if it should happen again. My legs have been sore the past two days and it has been hard to walk. I need to take a shower and haven’t had the energy to. I also need to shave. I got my haircut on Wed and have not taken any selfies because my hair isn’t spiked like I want it. Yesterday I was supposed to get the vaccine but I was just hurting too much. I didn’t sleep because of shoulder pain and my legs were horrible. I just wanted to rest in my bed. Today I had groceries delivered and that took a lot out of me. I was able to take a nap. My appetite has been low the past few days. I have been eating but very little. I had my biscuits with my coffee today and just now had a bowl of cereal. I think that is all I am going to have today.

My neck has been awful all week. I canceled PT yesterday because I hurt too much with my legs. I hated doing it but walking hurt so much yesterday. I am in a lousy mood. Surgery didn’t help me like I thought it did and that is really hard to take. I had a hard time emptying my bladder. The stress of the test left me feeling really tired. I sent a message to my uro to find out if it is the same thing that is wrong, that the bladder neck muscles aren’t working right. I told her I was thinking about botox. I just wanted to research it a little before I said yes.

I had groceries delivered today and then when they were in my room, I just collapsed. I was able to nap for a couple of hours. I need to shave and shower today but I don’t think it is going to happen. My legs just feel really sore. Even though I just woke up from that nap, I feel another sleep is needed. So I probably will be taking a nap before I go to bed for sleep. I don’t care. I am just so bloody exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. My mother just called to say dinner is ready. I am not hungry so will pass. I just want to lay down and sleep.

Are we out of the woods yet?

Are we out of the woods yet?

Since my first blog, I have been listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t help it. I love this album so much. Each song is catchy and I find myself dancing in my seat. Since the blog I have gone shopping and made myself the steak I bought. I am really more exhausted than I was before I started. I haven’t had time to nap as I have just been reading Twitter. I follow doctors so my TL is filled with the match stuff and of course the tragedy that happened in Atlanta. Funny, I had a bad day yesterday and I didn’t kill anyone. Imagine that. These people will cover white privilege any chance they get. Pisses me off. This was a domestic terrorist attack on Asian Americans.

My back is hurting something awful and it isn’t my lower back this time. My upper back has been cramping since on the walk home. I want to nap so bad. I am debating shaving my head using the electric shaver. I usually don’t do a good job with the shaver like I do with a manual razor. I don’t want to shower because my back will just cramp up more as I try to stand. I am having a low pain day and I don’t want to turn it into a high pain day.

My sister made cookies while I was eating my steak. I am going to sneak downstairs and have some. They are anise cookies, my favorite next to chocolate chips. Did I mention I was tired? I think I am going to be overtired tonight and not be able to sleep. Usually my night meds help tremendously with sleep and I am usually asleep within an hour or two after taking them. I don’t know if they are the reason I am so tired during the day or not. My psychiatrist says because I take it at night it can’t be the culprit so who knows. I am just tired of being tired.

ceiling fan

Ceiling fan

It is really cold with the wind and it is coming in through my AC so I have my ceiling fan off. I should dust it while it isn’t in use. It’s got some serious dust bunnies on the blades, but only on one side of the blade. Weird. I want to clear off the things on my bureau too. Just throw them in a box and I will go through it later. I also need to empty my bedside trash can. It is filled. I have to find the trash bag that I had. It has become buried under some clothes due to an avalanche fall of one of my bins. I just can’t deal so left it like it is.

I had therapy today. I wish it helped but all it did was frustrate me more and all we agreed on was getting a bat and beating a pillow up. We talked about how my mother is treating me with the transgender. I told her I wanted to go into hiding. She said that would be a bad idea. She understood how much I was hurting. I told her I wanted to cry but there were no tears. I won’t be seeing her a second time this week. She doesn’t have any openings. I said that was fine. I am not in dire straits. I wills see her next week.

I didn’t brush my teeth this morning because the post nasal drip was bad. I was gagging up a storm. Once it settles down, I will brush. It has been working out better in the afternoon than morning. I still need to shave my head again. I have been trying to keep my hair as short as possible. I found out today while I was combing it that it isn’t even on top like I want it to be. I just asked my cousin who is a hair dresser if this is ok or not. Now I can’t decide if I want to grow it out or cut it to be all one length. My barber is very good but I don’t think he is great with scissors. He is very good with clippers. I like him a lot so I will stay with him. No one else will touch my hair.

I had two cups of coffee today and I am still tired. I want to nap so bad. I have been up since five this morning because I had to pee. It was hard getting back to sleep. I wanted to stay up but my therapy appointment was at 11 and I knew I would start to feel drowsy around that time. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about why I am tired and he hasn’t responded. I don’t think he will because I was kind of flip in my message.

I finally brought a notepad to my bed “office” area so I will write the essays I want to write. I think it will be better written out than typed. Less distraction. I wish I could do it in a coffee shop. I so miss going to Starbucks for coffee and writing. I feel trapped sometimes because I have no where else to go. I could go food shopping. I think I will go to the butcher shop today to get a steak. And maybe some burgers.

waves of exhaustion are fun

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…