I’ve pretty much have been in a flare the whole week. It has been go go go past few days. I was supposed to rest today but I stupidly ordered my groceries to be delivered today. I had used a different app, which I will not use again because of the 20 items I ordered, 13 were delivered, 1 item was supposed to be refunded but was substituted to another similar product I don’t like. So I have 3 bottles of Starbucks dark roast coffee. I will try it. If I don’t like it, I guess I will dump it. I have no use for it and no one else like Starbucks coffee.
I did an errand after my deliveries were put away. Got annoyed with the bank my mother uses. Every single time I go, there is a problem even though my mother put my name on the account. I hate this bank so much! Then I went to pick up my meds. I had to make two trips because one was ready and the other had to be pre-authorized by my insurance.
I came home from the 2nd trip and immediately in a flare. Both times I did not wear my AFO brace. My leg, which has been acting up lately, got really painful on my walk to the pharmacy and only got worse on the way back. I was in such a flare up I couldn’t bear to listen to sounds. This meant I couldn’t distract by listening to music. I just rested in agony. I took my pain meds and some gaba. I stayed on Twitter for most of the time trying to distract. I was also on Facebook. Nothing was helping the leg pain and I knew it was from walking too much. I must have walked miles in my house, going from my room to the kitchen to the living room and back to kitchen thousands of times in the past few weeks. I am not walking correctly. I overusing my leg muscles as well using muscles to compensate for the overused muscles. Only way to remedy this is to completely stay off my leg. This is hard to do because I cannot stay in bed. If I don’t feel well I can but I need to have coffee and eat so need to go to the kitchen as well use the bathroom. Now I really need to limit going downstairs.
As I was resting and keeping track of the game, the extreme suicidal ankle pain exploded. I so overwhelmed and intense suicidal ideations occured. I wanted to end things tomorrow (today). I was thinking of emailing my psych to tell her I’ve had it but decided to call her instead. I paged her and she called me back right away. We talked and I told her how dire I was feeling. I told her I had two suicidal pains around my ankle, one worse than the other. The worst one was why I was calling. She asked if I was going to act right away. I said no. She asked if I needed to be picked up and I said the ER is not what I need right now. We talked some more about the new med changes and how it will be a few days until I know if it helps or not. One dose isn’t going to help, though it sort of did. I told her I didn’t think I was going to be around for my niece’s graduation party. She said we will take it one day at a time. Then she said I needed to call her when I got up. So before noon, I will call her, if I am up. I said I would but it is almost 3 am so is probably doubtful I will.
My foot has been doing the dystonia thing again. It is part of the reason I am still up. The area where the extreme suicidal pain is still hurts but not as bad. My foot has swelled up pretty good where it feels like it is going to burst. My veins have popped up giving my ankle a bluish hue. The ankle bone is also been hammered by unknown entity. I hate bone pain so much. I’ve taken two doses of gaba. I am contemplating taking a third. If I am still up around 4 am, I will.
Today has been such a shitty day and is not over yet. A friend wanted to give me tickets to the Sox game last night. I was in a major sensory overload flare when I was asked and I had to decline. I really hated doing so because baseball is my love. But I knew walking to the park and finding my seats and staying for a minimum of three hours would really kill me after having a nasty flare up. I made the right decision and my psych agreed with me. She was saying no, no, no which was basically doctor’s orders. I am under her clutches again and I fear I am going to burn her out. I am so suicidal and want to fucking act but like I said in my previous blog, I don’t want to do it in my room. I was thinking of doing it Friday but it is going to fucking rain again. Fucking weather. Being pissed off about this is not helping. My psych asked if I was going to act in the next few days and I told her it was a coin toss.
I honestly have no idea if I am going to survive this year. I got the impression from my psych and I think I heard her say not on her watch or something to that effect. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I fucking go through with my thoughts?? I feel like such a fucking wimp. I am so annoyed with myself. If I loathed myself before, it is 100x more.
My psych is going to try her damndest to keep me here and I don’t think pushing her away is going to work. I told her I only called her because I knew if I emailed her, she would call me. I really needed to talk to her or someone, well someone that i trusted. Right now she is the only person I do trust. I can’t risk telling someone else my dark thoughts. They will freak out and things will be bad.
I am falling asleep so will end here.