Drowning in pain and depression

Pain is really bad because i had to leave my house earlier than I would have liked. Both feet are swollen, left worse than right. I can’t deal. Least i had some of my Pad Thai, and by some I mean 5 bites. I was full. Psych thinks I should see my pcp because of the weight loss. Basically losing 5 lbs a week. Told her I am ok. When it is 30 lbs I will be worried 😜 (just have 15 more to go) also thinks I should see him for my flares. I don’t have the energy to. Previous docs have shot me down when I’ve told them every appt flares are worse and i am met with no change in meds or what to do. I’m done getting burned so i am staying away from the fire. Besides with my living situation changing, flares are going to be way more frequent from stress.

I told my psych I’ve been really suicidal. I’ve been trying to keep the demons at bay but pain is a huge trigger and add depression and it just fuels the fire. I’ve never been this down before, well I have. Just not so quickly. Three weeks is a short amount of time. My psych asked me if I could come in next week and I asked if I had to and she said yes. Great. I really don’t want to see anyone. I just feel hopeless about everything and I am overwhelmed with shit I have to do. My sister is driving me crazy because she is stressed out. Stress just causes me more pain. I had my 5th flare in a week last night. I have been going on 4 hours sleep, which I got in 2 hour increments.

I was very suicidal last night, the worst it has been in quite some time. I know I could have called my psych but I really didn’t want to be told to go to the hospital. I am done with going to hospitals, least the unit I was on. There isn’t any help anymore. I don’t have a therapist. Unfortunately I am still not mobile enough to be going. I am making some progress in PT but it is very slow. It has been two months I’ve been going and have been doing the exercises but on days I hurt, I can’t do them or on days like today where I had to fucking leave my house because my pedophile cousin came over with my aunt. His voice still gives me flashbacks and shit. I was out for about six hours. I knew I going to be hurting. I didn’t think I would swell though.

My voice is continuing to change. I had no voice when I got up around 10. Trying to communicate to my mother was a fucking pain in the ass. I literally had to write shit down to tell her stuff. When my aunt came over while I was in the shower, I was a little better but still hoarse. Even while talking to my psych I sounded froggy.

My hair is getting thicker. And omg, my hair on my head is growing faster than ever. I shaved it this morning and now I have a 5 o’clock shadow. Will be a buzz tomorrow. Yet my mustache takes forever to grow back. I shave it off last week because I got a big painful zit. It is growing back but not at the same pace.

I am really exhausted between pain and the depression. My sleep has gotten a little better with the melatonin but if I am in a flare, forget it. I just fight sleep.

I saw my pcp’s social worker yesterday afternoon. She can’t see me like a therapist but will cover me until I do find a therapist. She is easy going but I haven’t shared my suicidal demons with her. I really can’t. Last thing I need is for it to be in my record and then I am fucked. Any provider can read her notes. I am very careful about letting on how suicidal I am. I will tell my psych but that is it.

I had my grocery delivery yesterday. Powerade hasn’t done shit about their lot that is bad. I got 5 more bottles of the crap. Going to have to call again. I wanted to today but was rushed out of my house. I still need to get some as they only delivered 7 of the 30 I ordered. They also didn’t deliver my chicken patties for the second month in a row! Now I need to go to the grocery store to get the stuff. I am going to try and just buy the powerade at a little at a time because I can’t carry a huge load. 5 bottles is my limit on my rolling cart thing. I won’t go tomorrow but maybe Monday. I am sort of dreading it as my sis moves in Sunday. God only knows what it will be like living with her again.

FB post over last few days

Here are my posts from social media past few days. Still not feeling well to give a new version yet…

Nothing is worse than waking up with reflux and feeling there is something stuck in your esophagus. Tried everything I can think of to bring it down or up and nothing is working. Body a gazillion, me 0. Managed 3 hours sleep until fricken bladder woke me up. Took some melatonin. Don’t care if I sleep all day. Today is T shot so if I am up to it will post pics of transition provided I don’t look like shit.

Just when I thought my 24+ hours of being awake were over, foot started vibrating. Never fails. 20 mins after I lay down foot or ankle decide to act up. To say I am exhausted is an understatement. Got a theory…my brain must be so fried from the horrible heel pain (which is worse than the CRPS pain and NOTHING works to bring it down to bearable levels) it can’t relax. Every noise is magnified x100 so I jump, thus keeping me up. My radiator is the chief cause when it kicks on as it makes different fricken noises. And late at night when the house is quiet as I don’t have the noise from my Mother’s TV watching. Melatonin arrived today so will be trying it tomorrow. Haven’t gone downstairs for the mail yet. Hope it works or I’m gonna go insane

Been up for 40+ hours. Going back to bed now. Even though it is currently 145pm EST. Sorry I haven’t been writing. Thanks to all who have been reading despite my absence.

Found out cause of fatigue

Had my repeat blood work and urine tests done on Thursday. My sodium level was lower than it was on Tuesday. My doc called me around 8 am but I couldn’t get the phone in time. When I called back. The transcript from my voicemail was incorrect. Anyway he sent me a message explaining what he thought I had, SIADH, syndrome of inappropriate anti diuretic hormone. It is basically my body holding onto water and peeing salt. So he said I am to reduce my fluid intake to 1L and eat salty food and protein. It has been difficult doing either as all I want to do is sleep. I made some scrambled eggs and had some juice. It tired me out when he called me again. I am just really tired. Today I had some donuts and crackers with my coffee. I only drank 2 oz and then had to lie down. I finally took a shower today so doing all that just wiped me out. I wanted to make cheeseburgers for lunch but I guess I will have them for dinner. Just told my mother and she said I’m cooking. Bitch. We haven’t been getting along past few days. She has been on my back to do shit and then yell at me for old shit. I seriously need to find a place to live. I can’t take it anymore with her. She is stressing me out. I really think it is because her sister gets on her nerves and then she takes it out on me. God forbid she should put her sister in her place. I had to laugh when the lunatic was telling me the turkey’s we bought were from Maine because my cousin doesn’t know postal codes. They are from Minnesota. I didn’t say anything. They are all a bunch of ignorant fools anyway. Also uneducated. Though the lunatic likes to brag that she was a spelling bee champ in school. She didn’t finish high school though. Only person on my mother’s side was my mother.

Foot is really hurting today and my left leg is giving me trouble. It feels like it doesn’t want to hold me up. Taking that shower was fun. I had to sit down like 3 times. Back kept cramping up. I just want to give up. I am so tired of pain and fatigue. I wish I could kill myself. I know my family would be better off without me.

Tired of pain taking away things I love

Yesterday, I had a bad flare. I tried writing but after around 100 words, I was exhausted and couldn’t continue. I had therapy yesterday and for some reason my legs were really sore so walking was difficult. I thought it would get better as the day went on and I did my things but it only wore me out with each step I took.

I was in agony most of the night. I didn’t get to sleep till 4am. I kind of lost track of time as I was trying to find a tea kettle. I had made a cup of tea and the kettle we have is all rusted on the bottom, making things taste different. I told my mother and she refused to change the kettle and there is no way of getting the rust out.

I made coffee using spring water and saucepan. Coffee came out perfect. Then we had a t storm and I got a migraine with severe nausea. I still feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t think I was going to write today as I really am tired. I don’t know if my writing means anything to anyone. I’ve just been writing for me, because I like doing it. But after yesterday, it was the first time in over a year and a half that I didn’t write. I thought I might be able to write later but then it was after midnight so I just posted the pic of the pup. I might do that on days I am not up to writing more than a paragraph.

My writing means a lot to me. I have been pushing through tough days because I didn’t want to give in to chronic pain. Yesterday was the worst in a very long time. I usually am able to write how bad things are and yesterday, words just couldn’t come to me. I kept staring at the screen cursor wondering what to write next. My head just was filled with blankness.

Today was a little better. I slept most of the day, despite my med alarm going off to remind me to take my pain meds. It is really hot in my room though the temps have cooled off. I want to open the window but I still haven’t put in the screen. Maybe I will have my bro in law put in the AC and the screen. It kind of early but at least when it is humid, I can cool my room down. I cannot tolerate heat. As hot as it is in my room I have to keep my sheet covering my foot because the ceiling fan air hurts me.

If you are a daily reader, please like or comment if you can. I’d like to get an idea of who is reading. My stats aren’t really a good indication. Thanks and I am sorry for not posting yesterday.