Gender Dysphoria

I am having a hard time right now. My brain is playing games with me. My stupid female breasts are hurting me a lot tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was going to have my menses soon. They weigh so heavy for some reason. Maybe it is because of the pain.

I can’t decide if I am male or female. I know I am a male but all my body parts are female. I am so distraught. It is making me tearful. I have no one to talk to that understands. I have one friend on FB that is trans ftm. I only met him because I met his mother through a mutual game we were playing at the time. Weird how things play out.

I know the pain will pass, eventually. I just hate it as it is just a reminder of who I am not.

There is a homeless guy by the Starbucks that I go to. Every time he sees me he misgenders me. Lately he has been calling me “lady”. Screw you pal, now you aren’t getting my extra buck when I have it. I hate my body so much. And having these painful things on my chest doesn’t make me like it any better. I hate being trapped in this shell.

I see the LGBT doc next week. I don’t know how it will go. It will be our 2nd appt. I need a minimum of three before being considered for hormone therapy. So frustrating. Wish I could have top surgery tomorrow and be done with these fuckers that hurt. Like I need more pain in my life. Just hate myself so much right now. I wish I was dead.

11 thoughts on “Gender Dysphoria

  1. I get this post was awhile ago, but I’m still commenting because I’m going through the same thing: I’m ftm transgender and my hair is longer, my body seems to not be my own…it feels really shitty when people misgender you, and just know you’re not alone. Just know we’re here for you dude.


  2. Any time someone misgenders me, it hurts, doesn’t matter if they know me or not. Even though I dress in a masculine way, my chest doesn’t conform to a male.

    I feel that you are invalidating my feelings by not understanding why I am upset. Sorry. I am just sensitive when it comes to pronouns


  3. I don’t understand the hostility, I was asking a question. I am not trying to be an asshole I just don’t understand your point of view, I am only asking questions to find something we can both agree on and progress.


  4. I do hope you get through your pain, and deal with this in the best way possible for you. I do think that expecting that homeless guy to automatically know your gender is unfair.


  5. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, I’ve felt like it more times than I can count so I know where you’re coming from. If you ever want to chat about stuff just drop me and email, my information is on my contact page on my site. Sometimes it’s good to talk to someone who gets it 🙂


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