going nuts from pain

Going nuts from pain

I finished my chores and ate too much today. I feel like a fat cow right now. I have been trying to be distracted with the ball game but it’s not that interesting to me tonight. I really just want to sleep but pain is all over the place. Basically, half of my foot is being dissected from the “good” part and the rest is hurting like hell.

I am in one of my “I don’t give a shit” moods, which can be a little dangerous. I want relief so bad that I will do anything to achieve it. I took some of this, that, and one other thing that I could take, safely. I can take a little more Neurontin if need be as I only took 600 mg. I’ve been afraid to take it freely because I have the hungry horrors the next day. My stomach is bloated and I hate feeling it. I am grossed out by my own body because of my body image issues. I was doing so well to keep my weight in check but that has all gone to hell. The more I try to restrict, the more I eat. Being hungry all the time doesn’t help. The psych meds I take is causing me weight gain. I’m going to have to bring this up to my psych when I see her next week.

I feel like I should put my foot in a bucket full of ice but I know that will cause me more damage than help me. It might feel good in the beginning but it will cause damage. I hate that. As I posted on my Twitter, I feel like my tendons on the outer side of my foot/ankle are being torn apart. They just feel so inflamed. I just took off my thermal socks and there were indentations where the elastic was. No wonder it was hurting me. Hope it settles down now that it’s off.

In my head, I am making a list of things to get while in the Square. I also want to get my haircut. It’s getting longer than I want it to be. Basically, I just want eggs and turkey breast after I get my espresso or a latte. I have a free drink reward so I might use that tomorrow, if I can get the energy to go out. Mornings are so hard. I set up a time in the morning on Wednesday for a study.  I just hope that I can wake up at that time. Mornings haven’t been kind to me lately.

Sox are winning so far. Score is 4-1 in the bottom of the 9th. I think they lost last night so if they win tonight, they will gain back the ground they lost. They are playing the Skankees and both are competing for 1st place, but my boys are in first and the Skanks are a few games behind. These games are so important now that it’s close to the end of the season. There is just one month left of regular season baseball.

My Buckeyes won last night. They came back from behind. I am so proud of them. It was nice waking up to a win. I couldn’t keep my eyes open after 9 pm last night. I was just dead tired. I am going to try and sleep tonight but I think pain is going to keep me up and I am not looking forward to that at all. I took a strong pain pill and am going to take another Ativan.

I have been taking 1000 mg of Vitamin C the past few days. I am trying to see if it helps my pain any. So far it hasn’t done anything but it’s only been a few days so that is to be expected. I am taking it at night with my night meds. I don’t think I can keep them in my box as they are softgels and it gets a little tacky with this heat, even though it’s cool out, my room is kind of warm. I have the ceiling fan on as I couldn’t stand the smell of the drywall. It’s just a musty type of smell and I can’t stand it. I really need to get something called Rid-X to take the dampness out of my room. I used it before but that was years ago.

I keep fantasizing my death and or how I would cut my ankle off. It’s like a recurring movie or something. I try not dwelling on it but when the pain is so damn bad, I can’t help but think of an escape or that maybe if I did do damage to my tendons it would then be a reason for me to hurt. Not seeing something that is hurting is the hardest part of this condition. But it’s like my mental illness, you can’t see it yet it’s there. I can’t bash my brain in to make it real either. Just doesn’t work that way. But I get so frustrated with my foot and ankle hurting all the time. It’s like I take all these pills to help me and I’m still depressed, I’m still in pain, I’m still wondering what it will be like to not hurt so much all the fricken time. It’s so draining. Just changing my sheets and taking a shower really hurt me. Now I want to sleep but I am overtired, my pain is worse, and I am kicking myself for eating too much. I wonder if my doc will put me on an appetite suppressant so I don’t eat all the time. I think if I had something to go against the urge to eat all the time, maybe I can keep the weight off. I’ll talk to my psych about it. I hate to be on yet another pill but I’m getting worried that gaining weight and not being able to lose it might lead to more health problems, which I don’t need. If I could walk, that would be one thing. But I can’t exercise as that just causes me more pain. It’s a tough situation. And it is very frustrating.

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