gender dysphoria flares again

Gender dysphoria flares again

I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.

Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.

I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.

I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.

Gender Dysphoria

I am having a hard time right now. My brain is playing games with me. My stupid female breasts are hurting me a lot tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was going to have my menses soon. They weigh so heavy for some reason. Maybe it is because of the pain.

I can’t decide if I am male or female. I know I am a male but all my body parts are female. I am so distraught. It is making me tearful. I have no one to talk to that understands. I have one friend on FB that is trans ftm. I only met him because I met his mother through a mutual game we were playing at the time. Weird how things play out.

I know the pain will pass, eventually. I just hate it as it is just a reminder of who I am not.

There is a homeless guy by the Starbucks that I go to. Every time he sees me he misgenders me. Lately he has been calling me “lady”. Screw you pal, now you aren’t getting my extra buck when I have it. I hate my body so much. And having these painful things on my chest doesn’t make me like it any better. I hate being trapped in this shell.

I see the LGBT doc next week. I don’t know how it will go. It will be our 2nd appt. I need a minimum of three before being considered for hormone therapy. So frustrating. Wish I could have top surgery tomorrow and be done with these fuckers that hurt. Like I need more pain in my life. Just hate myself so much right now. I wish I was dead.

TG Issues 3

Fortunately, I had therapy today. My therapist was able to get to her office today, but there won’t be therapy tomorrow because they canceled school again. I know out west got hit harder than we did, where she lives. Just sucks but at least I got to talk to her a little bit today.

I told her about the strange dream I had this morning. In the dream, I went to my friend Chris’s wake. I went there with a mutual friend. He went off being a social butterfly that he was and I was left to my own devices. There was a guy I recognized from way back and so we chatted. He asked me my name and when I told him, he looked at me up and down with disgust. I awoke from the dream feeling full of self-loathing. I couldn’t stand to be my own skin. My therapist calls it gender dysphoria. I don’t care what it is called. I hate myself, no, I loathe myself way too much, to the point where I just want to kill myself. We didn’t discuss that part. I thought it was self-explanatory. She should know by now that anything to do with self-loathing is going to bring up suicidal thoughts.

Then we discussed my paper that I am working on submitting for a contest. I think it sounds too depressing, so I added a few sentences about hope. It read okay in my mind but I am still having my doubts. Top prize for this is $1500, though I really would love just to win it for the sake of having my writing mean something. Once the winners are announced, I will post my piece.

But the writing got me self-doubting and it really hurts me to think that is what my life is. I am stuck in the wrong body and it is hurtful. Then towards the end of session, my therapist tells me that she called the LGBTQ clinic inquiring about whether suicidality will hinder transition and if private therapy will have to cease. None of these conditions are true. I just need my PCP to recommend them to their primary care place for evaluation. They are willing to work *with* me on the transition. I couldn’t talk about it anymore as I was drowning in sorrow and relief. This could happen this year and all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

I woke up from the self-loathing dream around 0630 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and then when I came back to my room, I got really nauseous. I thought I was going to throw up so I took my Zofran (anti-nausea pill). I couldn’t sit up so I laid back down and fell asleep. I didn’t wake up till around 11 or so. By then I was really hungry so made eggs and bacon. Now I am feeling sick to my stomach again and I am really tired.

No mail has come yet. I hope it comes soon and my prescription is in it. I need my pain meds or I am going to run out. I haven’t been in too much pain today but then I have been resting for most of the day.

I haven’t showered yet. I think I might do that later tonight, if I don’t get sick. I keep thinking about the TG issues and the self-loathing. I really, really, loathe myself. I find myself despicable. I just am not a good person and I should die. But my therapist would miss me so I can’t kill myself as much as I want to. I’m going to go to sleep after I take some Ativan. I hope I am in a better mood when I wake up.

at least we can say we tried

All too often I get the how is your back, you look good bullshit. I want to strangle the person sometimes, especially when I have had a bad night the night before. No one gets it. My family keep telling me to see this podiatrist or go to this hospital or see this doctor. But they don’t get I am tired of seeing doctors who only want to stick a needle in my back or ankle and then say ok at least we tried, good luck to you and leave me hanging with NO FURTHER TREATMENT. Or they look at my ankle and xrays/Mri’s and find that there is nothing wrong with my back anymore or that my ankle looks perfectly normal. Well if it was perfectly normal why do I have friggen pain all the time?? I had another pain bout last night that I was climbing the walls with. And I didn’t do anything yesterday that would have caused it. I am just so tired of being in pain but I got to live with it and it sucks.

Last night I was in the deep throws of dealing with bad ankle pain. I wrote the above just now in response to an email that a fellow CESSG member wrote. I thought it would give me something more to write on but I just can’t think of anything more to say. I am all tired out from being in pain all night. Sure I had my coffee this morning and it was very good but it didn’t loosen my thought process any. I am struggling right now, really struggling with pain and my menses and the depression. No one understands. These three things make me want to kill myself. There is no one I can talk to about it. I sent off the blog I wrote last night to my pdoc, hoping for a response and still have not received one. Maybe she got mad at me because I wrote that she didn’t get it because she always uses the wrong pronoun with me. I don’t care. In my mind, I am a he, not a she. I think I got to let the group (the CES group) know that I have decided to change my name again. This one is a little more permanent and one that I have used since I was a teenager. I might still use Mike from time to time. I like the name, even if it is a common one. But for now I think I will just stick with GC. I don’t know if I will ever change my name permanently but I know that I like being called this and that is part of the transition.

The depression I can handle most of the time, except when everything I do drains me. It takes such an effort to get out of bed, to do daily living activities, etc. I rather just lay in bed and do nothing or instead I just play on my laptop or look at a blank page of a word document wondering if the words will come.

The menses are just an insult to me. I can’t handle it. I detest it with every fiber of my being. It is the constant reminder that I am not a male no matter how bad my brain thinks I am. It confuses the hell out of me and makes me think instant thoughts of suicide. I think it probably would take a suicide attempt for my treaters to know that I am serious when I tell them this makes me suicidal to the Nth degree. I can’t live like this anymore. And again I am downcasted by the psych profession. Call it what you will Gender dysphoria or transgenderism. I don’t care. I just know that I am in the wrong body and I want to kill myself be that is the ONLY way to solve the problem. Obviously birth control pills are not working. I have been on them for at least two years now and they just are not working. I get a few months break and then I get my menses again. This isn’t right. I don’t think my repro endo doctor care either. To her, I am just another female that cannot tolerate her period. But is it normal to want to kill yourself every time you get the bloody thing (pun intended)?? I don’t think so.