more thoughts on my blog

More thoughts on my blog

A reader emailed me and I thought about what she said. This is my blog and last time I checked, calling someone stupid wasn’t breaking any laws. So on this note, I have decided to keep my blog open, not password protected. If that monitor person wants to continue reading my blog, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I do know that my stats seem to go up when I post so even if I don’t know who you are, I know you are reading.

I’ve had a horrible day so far. My middle sister has been cleaning my mother’s room. When I got out of my room to take a shower, she said that I had to go through my stuff so she can move her things there. I also had to move the stuff in the living room so she can also move her stuff there. I took my shower and found that the shampoo bottle that had a pump on it, she threw away because the bottle was empty. I was so fucking pissed. I called her an asshole and she got pissed. I don’t care. I am tired of her thinking she is the only person living here and has to make the house the way she wants it to be. I got really suicidal after our exchange. She just doesn’t realize how upset she gets me, like I don’t matter at all. Yesterday she left crap on the stairs, which made it hard for me to go down. I really don’t want to fucking fall and she doesn’t get that my balance is off. She also placed a bin right at the bottom of the stairway, which I kicked out of the way. I got so mad. I texted her, in a neutral way, and got no response. I have no idea if she has blocked me or what but every text I send her, she doesn’t respond to anymore. I sick of her shit. I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. After the disaster of a family meeting via phone, I really don’t know how to get through to the dumbass. Yet she has the audacity of calling me selfish. Such a projection.

After my shower, I made something to eat. My foot started bothering me but I still did what I had to do. By the time I made it back to my room, it flared up big time. My foot and ankle are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I so want to nap as I have been up since 0630 but I really don’t want to. Will be hard to anyway as there is so much light in my room due to my window being open. I have a hard time sleeping when there is light in my room.

Never had a nap. Just had dinner with my mother. I made hot dogs and beans. My foot wants to fucking kill me. I hate it when simple things cause me pain. You think I was walking miles. Speaking of walking, I really need to get my AFO (ankle foot orthotic) adjusted as my foot keeps slipping. I think I have a bit of atrophy plus with the weight loss, I don’t think it is fitting right. I hate that I gained about 10 pounds while in the hospital, mostly because I was eating three meals a day, but they were huge dishes. I tried to eat a salad with chicken or just a turkey sandwich but it wasn’t always possible because I would forget to fill out the menu for the next day. Sometimes I would skip breakfast as they served eggs at least every other day and I don’t like them. I rather make it. I am just picky like that. The rest of the days they had French toast, which wasn’t bad but it was filling. Since being home, I have been having much smaller meals at least twice a day. Yesterday I just had steak and then a protein bar because I was in too much pain to go downstairs to make something. I forgot how painful stairs were.

I got to fill my med boxes for the week. The doc in the hosp increased the Lamictal and I think it has finally improved my mood somewhat. I kind of feel like what I was before I was in the pit of doom. I am just more tired and on a “day” schedule. I went to bed early, or tried to before pain kept me up till at least 1 am. Then I woke up around 630, only because I had to pee. I am glad I woke up because I leaked. Both my pjs and underwear were wet as I didn’t wear a diaper. I bought a much comfortable brief style while in the hospital because they didn’t have a good kind. I should have brought my own but didn’t think I needed them. Now I know better.

Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens came out the end of May. I got it free because I am an Amazon Prime member. I downloaded the episodes to my Kindle, but I still haven’t watched it yet. I keep meaning to but pain has been a chief distracter. Usually watching a movie or something helps but I don’t have the attention span lately. I can watch short videos and then I get bored if it is more than 10 minutes. I think the only thing I can watch for longer is the Rachel Maddow show. I haven’t watched it in a long while because it was just annoying me. She seems to say the same thing in three different ways over and over. Then she goes on only to come back to the original question or point. I had to take a break and haven’t watched since. Maybe I will watch one episode of Good Omens later tonight, if my pain doesn’t get worse after I do my med boxes.

Ambling swears continue

am still around. Haven’t looked at saws on Amazon, yet. Foot is acting up and my mother is being noisy as hell. Fuck! Had a rough night sleeping. I am tired as fuck. Bowels are exploding. No idea why. Just took meds to sleep the day away. Don’t care because my alternative isn’t pretty. I am sick of being in pain 24/7. Just fucking shoot me now. I can’t go on like this and the weather is going to be painful as hell. So this is how my morning is going. Back in the gutter. Putting plan in motion when I wake up. So tired of insomnia, no pun intended. Ok enough rambling, for now

Long week of pain and no sleep

Long week of pain and no sleep

To my daily readers, I apologize for not writing. I have been hit with depression, pain, and insomnia all week so didn’t feel much energy to post, not even a picture. Usually I snag a pic during the night time hours as that is when the Twitter account I follow posts the cute pics. But I haven’t even looked at Twitter that much because I just couldn’t even read the tweets. If something caught my eye, I did but the majority of the accounts I follow didn’t get read. I just didn’t have the energy.

Tuesday, I had emailed my psychiatrist to ask if I didn’t sleep could I page her to talk. She responded and asked would I go along with a “brief” admission to see my sleep/wake cycle. Well that shut down all communication with her. I responded with no as I know what that entails and I wasn’t up. I wasn’t suicidal and the reason I couldn’t sleep was because of fucking pain! Yesterday I did an experiment with the Lamictal to see if it was the culprit in the insomnia now that my dose has increased. I think it sort of was because I finally was able to sleep last night until 2 PM today. Granted I had taken some Benadryl to help, but still, that is the most sleep I have had in like two weeks.

Yesterday I had my groceries delivered and wanted to make this low carb chicken dish that was sort of like a Florentine chicken. I thought it came out delicious. My mother said it sucked. I also didn’t make any side dishes with it (I was really hurting and just wanted to get off my fucking feet so didn’t think to make one). So she had whatever she had and then reheated her chicken cacciatore that she made the other day. I wanted to bring the leftover to my barber today but it is too late now to do it. I don’t like reheated chicken. If there are left over chicken dishes, I will eat the chicken cold, including Chinese food.

Tuesday, I was up at 530 after getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. I didn’t want to go back to sleep because there was stuff I wanted to do. So I got my haircut and then I baked chocolate chip cookies with the new recipe I had. OMG these cookies are so friggen good! I love them. I bought more chocolate chips in my grocery order just so I had enough to make more cookies if I felt up to it. My friend who gave me the recipe asked if I halved the recipe and I said no. She said I was going to have a shit load of cookies and I did. I had like 4 trays of cookies. But they are yummy so I don’t care. The batter is thick and took some time to mix in the oats and chips in it. I thought I mixed it well but there was just plain oats at the bottom of the batter. I just scooped it on the tray. I didn’t care. I was getting tired as it took me 3 hours to make these as our oven sucks. Each tray took around a half hour to make (give or take 5-10 minutes). The bottom baked better than the top, which meant shuffling the tray. My niece liked the cookies and she doesn’t like oatmeal! I am glad I have cookies to eat because, well, I am a cookie monster. I also bought sugar cookies with my grocery order. LOL told ya, I am a monster. I also bought the roast beef that I love. My hope is to make sandwiches on days I have therapy as the day is long. The bus schedule sucks and if I miss a bus it could be up to two hours before I can go home.

I thought I was a financial wizard this month as I had 30 bucks left in my account but, alas, nope. I forgot to pay one bill, which will be on Monday as I don’t yet have a credit on the grocery order. I was supposed to get a pound of American cheese and only got half. They over charge you anyway and it takes like 5 days to get the money back into the account. I got the email this morning saying the credit has been issued so I hope by Tuesday I can pay this one last bill. I withdrew cash so I can pay for my meds this month. I did sort of buy stuff at Amazon but it was much needed. I shaved my head last night with a new blade and got razor burn so bad. I used the oil, too, so I don’t know why it hurt so much. So I bought an after shaving balm. I also bought cooling racks for the cookies because the trays we have SUCK!! You can only fit like 4-5 cookies on the rack. That is only not even ½ a tray of cookies! So I bought bigger ones. They weren’t that expensive, $16 for 4, which I thought was a deal. I don’t go to stores and I know Walgreens doesn’t sell them. I know they probably sell the after shave but I wanted a balm not a liquid. Hope it works because it took a while for it to calm down and I was in so much pain with my feet I just had to endure the burn on my head.

I found some exercises for my foot to do until I go to PT next week. I am getting so stressed out with going again. It is just that it is a long bus ride and then I have the appointment, then a bus to the station for the long bus ride home. I might cancel the appointment because I have two doctor appointments the following day and if I am sore (which I could be), walking is going to be difficult and I got to go to two different buildings, which means walking around the hospital. But I want to see how the beginning of the week goes with regards to my sleep. If I am not sleeping well or get into a flare, it will be a no go. I did the exercises last night and today I am not hurting too much with my right foot, though the side where the tendon tear is, is hurting. I probably did too much yesterday because after the cooking dinner, I numbed my foot to take a shave and shower.

I bought chicken patties and had one today. I forgot how good they were. I might have another one after my mother watches her LOUD shows and is out of the kitchen. I spent nearly $200 on groceries because I was tired of not having food by the end of the month except whatever my mother made. I wanted to get fish sticks or filets but it was really expensive. Even the chicken patties were expensive but you are paying for the price of having it delivered. My iced coffee which I bought 5 of was $28. I wanted to have it last for a month. I love the iced coffee better than hot. I might mix and match as I still have the K-cups to make coffee.

My transition is going okay. I think my mother is noticing my voice changes because she said something earlier this week. She doesn’t know I am on T. I have had some throat irritation and she thought it was because of the cold. HAHA nope. I asked around and apparently it is due to voice changes. I am happy. I also accidently sent a friend a video that was suppose to go to someone else. Her husband saw the video and was immediately like who is that guy. That made me smile. I haven’t seen him since before my transition and he isn’t on Facebook. I felt bad on the error. I got to pay more attention to who I am sending stuff too! Geez! My sideburns are still thicker. I did notice some fuzz while I was making the said video last night. So maybe the hair will come in soon. My mustache is still taking forever to grow since I last shaved it. I see the TG doc next week so I hope she increases the dose. It will be my off week so if she wants bloods done, I can possibly have it. It will just depend on how I am feeling that day. Fridays can be either busy or crazy in the blood drawing lab. If it is crazy, I will wait. As long as she doesn’t need a urine sample because I hate giving one. Well, I don’t. My bladder does. Damn nerve injury caused retention so bad I need at least three hours before I can go after drinking a lot of fluid. Used to be an hour. Now, nope. I think the meds also don’t help. But it is what it is. Until next time my friends. And thank you for reading!

Happy New Year and all that jazz

Happy New Year and all that jazz

I wish my readers a Happy New year. I hope this year is better than last year.

As I said in my last blog, I don’t do resolutions and shit. I don’t plan goals or anything. I just go with the flow. I see a lot of people reflecting on this “good” things that have happened to them last year. All I can think about is how I spent most of the year in severe pain, not being listened to by doctors, being a ping pong ball between doctors, just to get a change in pain meds and then planning my death because I had enough. July I was going to end it and that was it. Well, my date came and I didn’t go through with it because I was too afraid I would be found and saved. It was kind of doubtful, but possible. I don’t think I went in the hospital last year or if I did, I don’t remember it as I am not going back, ever again.

I am still feeling kind of crappy and I have therapy tomorrow. I did sleep, finally, but it was at like 5 am or so. My med alarm went off but I didn’t take my meds. I took my mood stabilizer. I kind of been taking them twice a day but if I don’t take the morning dose, I just take the morning dose at night so I have it. I can’t risk becoming hypomania though I thought last night I was going to as I just was so overtired I was hyper. I was wired and not tired. Then I decided to go lay down and try to sleep and my leg jerks causing tremendous pain. There went sleeping. I think I was up at least 38 hours. I slept till around 4. I had something to eat. I made pizza but I only ate half. I am not that hungry. I downed a 16 oz Pepsi. I also had a cup of tea so I am sure I will be peeing a lot. I wanted to get some fluids in me.

I shaved my head again. I am addicted to the bald feel. I can’t help it. Except tonight I used a new razor and got razor burn. My head hurts lol. I didn’t shave my sideburns though. Least I don’t think I did or at least one side. I wanted to see how the bald with sideburns looks. I am experimenting. LOL

I was talking to my sister about my insurance situation. I thought it was going to be a quick, yes you can get rid of Medicare and have them as a secondary. Nope doesn’t work like that. Fuck. I just have noticed a big change in attitude with the docs since being on medicare. Seems I am not getting care I should and then PT has these “requirements” in order to cover a visit because I am on this insurance. I hate being treated like this. I don’t think it is fair that I have to do this extra bullshit because I have chronic pain in my ankle. Then I flare and who takes care of me then? Last night was the same thing after my leg jerked. I have decided to do whatever to lower my pain levels because I get no help from a doctor about it when I tell them repeatedly how things are going. Just because I am fine when I see them then, doesn’t mean later that night I will be or the next day. I am so tired of flares. Maybe that is why the suicidality has come back. I don’t see any other reason. Each flare seems to last for days before I am okay and then I do something like make breakfast and I am in pain the rest of the day. Or I barely move my damn foot/ankle and boom. Pain goes up and I can’t control it. The docs have NOT listened when I tell them moving my ankle causes pain. They don’t know what to do. I can’t walk. I am almost getting to the point where I can’t stand. I feel bad for the people in the UK who has to wait for months, maybe a year, for a doctor appointment just to be told there is nothing they can do. I would be jumping off the nearest bridge. Because by the time they get a doc that gets it, treatment is too late, like it was for me.

I am really depressed. I think that would explain the low appetite, mood being messed up, sleep issues, etc. I just happened to be in it. It came without a warning. But then it always does. Then when I finally realize what the fuck is happening, I am stuck in it and I don’t know how long it is going to stick around. Seems each episode has it’s own length period. I am never clued in as to what that is.

I accessorized my laptop. It was too plain for me. My laptop that needs to be fixed has a bunch of stickers on the lid.

I don’t know when I am going to get it fixed. I am going to try and get it down this year somehow. I am going to try to have this laptop out of my room and at a Starbucks table so I can possible write. Or maybe just get a notebook and write. I don’t know what I will write about. It all depends if this mood/sleep thing eases out. I have been so damn tired and just sleep the day away. I got to get up tomorrow to make some calls to my insurance. I am not sure if I have to call to have the insurance as a secondary or have it as a primary like I want. All because I am disabled this headache is there. I didn’t want to be on Medicare. It is just a thing SSD puts you on but it doesn’t cover prescriptions so what is the point of it, I don’t know. You can see your providers and stuff but you need a secondary insurance to pay the visit completely or have a copay that is smaller than 20% of the visit. I really don’t see that many doctors like I used to. Just my PCP or his colleagues, my psych, and therapist. I see my neuro once a year, unless there is a problem that can’t be solved using email. LOL I also see my repro endo doc which I guess I should call her my TG doc now. So 5 docs. I don’t know when I see her if it will be at the new clinic or if it will be at the same office. My PCP will be at a new office. I will be asking him for a new scripts a week early for my pain meds because I don’t want to come a week later for them. I don’t think that is a big deal but we will see. Bet he says no because he is an asshole.