Feeling depressed and another shitty night sleeping
I had a shitty night sleeping. I woke up around 0130 and had to pee. I stayed up for about a half hour then went back to sleep after drinking a half a bottle of Gatorade. I shouldn’t have done it, I know, but I did and then I woke up two hours later to empty my bladder again. This time I was awake. I had a bad dream just before waking me up and I was still pissed off at the doc appointment yesterday. He asked why I was on Latuda because I don’t have a diagnosis of psychosis in my file. I said it is because I have depression with psychosis. I am trying to shake this guy off but he is in my headspace for the time being. I told my mother about the appointment and she said I was on too many meds. Fucking a. I really felt crummy after that.
I’m still waiting for my catheter company to tell me that my insurance will cover the new prescription order. I received an email from them this morning so I don’t know if it was one of the automatic ones or if the insurance has gone through and they need information from me. I then cringed and called the dentist to see what the next step is for my tooth. She said it was a two part procedure and it is expensive. I asked if we could do a partial or a bridge or something. She said she would ask the dentist and get back to me. So I am waiting.
I need to take a shower today. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I have been feeling some gender dysphoria lately so kind of why. I am not happy with my body at all, especially the hair growth on my upper body. I sent a message to my doc asking if she knew why the pattern was inconsistent. I seem to have more hair on my left side than I do my right. I also hate the hairy boobs I have. Just makes me depressed. I can’t believe July is almost here. I see the top surgery surgeon in a few weeks. I have been aware of how nipples are on men’s bodies and been taking screen shots of the ones I like that I want for myself. I don’t know if it will be a graft or just a resize of my current nipples that they will do. I really hope that my weight doesn’t get in the way of this. It will just crush me if it does.
I am waiting for the pharmacy to text me saying my meds are ready. They have been “in progress” for several hours now and it still isn’t done. Last time it wasn’t ready till after 1400. My ankle has been throbbing since early this morning when I was up. I last took my pain meds around 0400. I have one pill left. I don’t want to take it until I know the pharmacy is going to have my meds ready. I got to fucking call them. Every fucking month it is something and always with the same meds. Always. Such a pain in the fucking ass.
A rest day that wasn’t restful
I had a shitty night of sleep. I kept waking up like every two hours with my shoulder hurting me, all because I checked to see if we needed juice. I had reached into the fridge with my sore arm and then lifted the gallon of juice. A bad idea as I was rewarded with pain in my shoulder that would continue all night. Around 0200 I got up and started writing and that helped. I went back to bed around 0400 and stayed asleep until 7. My baby sister’s birthday is today and she needed a wingman to help her with errands today so I got up around 8. I had my coffee and half a bagel. We then went into town for my sister to do her things. On the way home we stopped at the pharmacy so I could pick up my new blood pressure medicine. I asked questions about it as I don’t know much about it. It could make you drowsy so I was being aware if I was any more tired than I already was. I had tried to nap several times today but couldn’t.
I ordered my groceries last night as my mother needed somethings. They were an hour late so they waived the delivery fee. I then had anxiety bringing up all the groceries by myself. There is still four gallons of water in the front hallway that I am too tired to bring up. My sister said she will bring it up after work. I had to bring up the water with one arm as I couldn’t carry a gallon with my bad arm. It was a long process with many trips up and down the stairs. I got hot and sweaty and tired. I had to have a cup of coffee to try and stay awake for my sister’s party and for dinner. My sister is making raviolis.
All I wanted to do today was rest and I didn’t. I got a huge anxiety attack despite going up and down the stairs. I think it was because I was carrying something heavy and trying to keep my balance on the stairs. I also knew that I would be the one to do it all by myself and that overwhelmed me. My mother is coming around to the idea of getting a bubbler of water for the house so we don’t buy water anymore. It probably will be cheaper in the long run to have delivery service. The only question is where to put it.
My right knee still hurts from the fall. I meant to have my pcp take a look at it but I forgot. Maybe I can get the ortho doc to look at it when I see him Mon. I think it is just bruised as it only hurts when I kneel on it. I need to take a shower as I am really sweaty and feel icky from it. I also need to shave my head. I have decided I am going to grow my beard out for the month.
I had asked my therapist if I did the work on the hopelessness paper if she wanted to see it. She said yes. Fuck. Now I got to work on it. I am getting there as I have been thinking of what to write. I just hope I can pick up where I left off. That is always a hard thing to do.
Tiring day of appointments
I reluctantly got up this morning and didn’t want to leave the house. I had slept through the night but was still exhausted. I had coffee and then counted down the minutes to when I had to get ready to catch the bus. My legs were so heavy today as I walked to the bus stop. I knew it was going to be a challenging day for me as I had a lot of walking to do today.
I saw my PCP and we discussed my fatigue. He thinks it is multifactorial so he is sending a message to my psych team to try and find ways for me to sleep better. I told him my blood pressure has been high lately and he checked it. It was high so he is adding a new blood pressure medicine. Yay a new medicine. Not. I see him in three months.
I then went to my second appointment at the other end of the hospital for the covid blood draw. He couldn’t get me so asked one of the other medical assistants. She got me right away. After the blood draw I went to get my haircut. I slept on the train ride back home. I was so tired. I had to stop a few times.
I came home and was hungry. I didn’t feel like cooking so I had some cereal. I made a cup of coffee to try and avoid a nap. While I was eating, I did my shoulder exercises. I had worn the sling all morning so it was good to move it about. It still hurts. When I went to my room, I took off my sneakers and socks. Soon as I got into bed my ankle flared up and I had to take a BT med. I also took some ibuprofen for the shoulder pain. I don’t know why the CRPS is flaring lately. I started to hurt on the walk home from the bus stop. Each step I took was more painful than the last. I was dreading the last block home.
I am doing nothing tomorrow and if I sleep all day so be it. I am just going to have a down day. Might order pizza again. Actually, might order it tonight. I am a pizza junkie. I can eat pizza every day if I am able.
I need to schedule an eye exam so I can get new glasses. I haven’t had an exam in almost two years. I tried reading from my sunglasses today and it was difficult so I know my prescription has changed. I just don’t like the eye doctor I see. It is hard to see someone else because of my insurance. I’ll probably see someone by the end of the year though.
Saturday Blog 30102021
I started a blog yesterday afternoon when inspiration hit and unfortunately, my emotions shut it down. I still can’t go back to it yet so I sent it to my therapist and maybe I can finish writing it. I think it is an important thing for me to write about but the emotions surrounding it are powerful.
I woke up around 2 last night in pain. I emptied my bladder because it had been close to seven hours since I last did it. I tried going back to sleep but I was too woken up. I stayed up for a few hours and then finally went back to sleep. I don’t remember my med alarm going off but I must have shut it off. I didn’t stir but just went back to sleep. I hear notifications go off on my phone but I just ignored them. Then my mother called me at 1pm and I reluctantly got up. She needed to get a few things at Amazon so after I had a bowl of cereal and made my coffee, I searched the things she needed. Now I feel ready to go back to sleep.
I made an appointment with my barber for Tues. My royalties for this month were more than I was expecting, which was good because it pushed my account to where I have the twenty bucks for my hair. I think I am going to go to a three when I see him. I rather him do it than me try it. I need to shave today. I also need to pick up my meds. It’s raining out. I was hoping they would be ready in the morning but they just got done now. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I don’t need it until then anyways.
I have no idea what I am going to eat today. I might order Chipotle. I have added corn salsa to my burrito bowl and it is so damn good. But I am not hungry right now so I don’t want to order it. Yesterday I ordered a cheese pizza because I was craving it. It was pretty good. I might order it again. Or I will just have cereal, my inexpensive go to when I don’t feel like having nothing else.
I have a sort of busy week next week. Monday I have therapy and then Tues I am seeing my pcp, getting my blood drawn for a study, and then getting my haircut on the way home. I am going to be wiped out. The following week is going to be busier with MTW appointments that are all in person except my therapist appointment. I am going to be exhausted. I am exhausted just thinking about navigating around the hospital for Tuesday’s appointment. The place I got to have my blood drawn is at the complete end of the entrance, the furthest building on campus. And the only way to get there is through the main entrance as the other doors are closed due to covid. A lot of fucking walking for ten bucks.
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