an 0500 rambling

An 0500 rambling

About two hours ago, a friend sent me an PM (private message) on Facebook saying she couldn’t sleep because her mind was going. We chatted maybe for about twenty minutes and then nothing. Not one single message back. I got pissed off. She must have dozed off to sleep. Yay for her. I am still up two hours fucking later. My foot is still fucking hurting and my back pain has seemed to settled down though, can’t say for sure because I haven’t laid back down yet.

The tension in my neck is killing me. I have tried to rub it out or message it but I can’t do it for too long without my hands cramping up on me. It feels great afterwards so I know I am doing something right. But the tension relieved is short lived. I really need to see a message therapist to get the kinks out of my neck and shoulders. They sure as hell aren’t going to touch my back. I don’t fucking care. No one touches my back, not even me!

I wrote in my journal hoping it would make me sleepy. Yea right. About a half hour into it, I catch my second wind and that’s all folks, I am up all night. I took a Benadryl to see if that knocks my ass out. I had taken an Ativan a few minutes before my friend PM’d me but I’m still awake! I also took some more pain meds. Nothing is working tonight. Though it’s really morning. UGH. I feel like paging my psychiatrist and just yelling at her for something she hasn’t done. What that something is I am not sure. I put my phone on “do not disturb” mode so no one calls/texts/messages me. Well, they can, but I just won’t hear the notifications.

I’m sort of getting hungry as it’s been more than 12 hours since I last had something to eat. I ate the last protein bar in my room. I meant to bring a box up but forgot. I really don’t want to go downstairs as my foot will most likely have a fit and a half. Think when I get up later today, I will make my oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a very long time.

For some strange reason, I was thinking about my father and wanted to call him as I haven’t heard from him in a while. I was going to text my sister and then I remembered he’s dead. That hit me hard. This time last year we were going through his radiation treatments for his stupid cancer. That was fun for three weeks. Then his health went downhill the end of the month and he was dead near the end of April. It was terrible watching him deteriorate. I had become his health care proxy sometime in March. That was really fun, especially when he was in the nursing home and they needed me to fill out this and that every other damn day. Then when he was really sick and going to die, they needed me to change his DNR forms because it wasn’t “right”. UGH. More paperwork to sign.

I ordered my groceries for the next few weeks. I wanted steak so I ordered it. It’s been a while since I last had it. It’s tough to buy things when you are the only person that likes it. It would be fine if my mother liked steak but she doesn’t. So I just get the smallest piece/pound possible and get it. Tomorrow I start my diet so I basically bought the minimum stuff I would need. I know the Superbowl is going to be my cheat day. There is no way it’s can’t be as I would want chips and salsa and pizza that day. I won’t order out as I have pizza in my freezer. Red Baron is pretty good pizza. Not as good as fresh but close to it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to an 0500 rambling

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I hate nights where I cant sleep. I hope you manage to sleep soon. You took enough meds to kick your ass lol. xxx

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