all i feel is down

I can’t stand people this morning. Last night I wrote my FB status that I was depressed. Instead of getting supportive responses, I basically got the cheer up kind, like I had nothing to be sad about bullshit. This morning I got another bought of “stop thinking” that way. Like I have a fucking choice. I feel wicked depressed and I don’t know why. People that don’t have depression have no clue what it is like. You try and make it through the day without trying to kill yourself. But it’s hard to do when you feel you are dead yourself. I feel like there is an envelope enveloping me and I can’t breathe.

I need to take a shower today but I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed all day. I do want coffee so I haven’t worked out the logistics to get that. If my sister is home and I take a shower I might get her car and go to Starbucks. If not, I guess I will just have coffee from the Keurig. I finally got the half and half to have coffee at home.

I don’t know why I am so depressed. I know part of it is because my laptop is broken and I am worried that it might not be able to get fixed and I will lose what is on there. Another part is that it is the end of summer where I usually get depressed anyways, though it usually isn’t until the middle of October. It’s the cycle for me. I get this low level depression and then it creeps into a major depression. It’s always the case this time of year. I didn’t ask for it to come around. I just feel so blue.

I am supposed to meet up with my friend today. I told him I would call him after 2 as I know he goes to the gym and is done sometime after that. I really don’t want to see a movie. I just want to get some coffee and talk. I am not a movie goer. I will go if there is something that I want to see but for the most part, I just don’t like going to the movies. I don’t know if it is because of the price or because of the loudness of the theater, but I just don’t like movies. I rather read the book.

Star Trek is coming out soon so I might watch it on my cable. That is something that I do want to see. But it’s nice to watch something at home versus going out. I know it’s not the same but at least I am not paying fifteen dollars for a ticket!

I just woke up and other than getting together with my friend, I have no other plans for the day. I don’t even plan on writing anything for my book because my psychiatrist wants me to take a break and that is what I am doing. I need to clear my head a little bit before I can continue. I hate doing it because it is taking away my goal but my health is more important. Won’t do me any good if I end up in the hospital.

I haven’t had any urges to self-harm in almost 24 hours. I am hoping they stay away but they could come back if I am triggered again. I had thoughts of what I wanted to write but they have left me now. I should have jotted them down when I had a chance.

I am re-reading Darkness Visible by William Styron. It’s a really good book. I started quoting some of his stuff on twitter that I thought was good. I will place some of the quote on my quotes page. Here is a guy that was on the brink of suicide and yet got help. I give him credit for doing it. Not many men will admit they have a problem and get the help they need. That is why stigma is so dangerous. It can kill someone because they don’t want to get help for fear of being downcast. Just like my friends, who are trying to be helpful, are just making me feel like I am a loser or I should be better than that. But I can’t help the way I feel. And right now all I feel is down.

And what is truly depressing is I have used my last k-cup of tribute blend 😦

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

One thought on “all i feel is down”

  1. “The others” as I call them, do not understand, they do not know what depression is, they cant handle the unbelieveable darkness that is the truth.

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