Football (American) Sunday

Football (American) Sunday

I watched both playoff football games. On social media, I played like I was rooting for the Packers but I was really wanting Atlanta to win. My reverse psychology worked and Atlanta won. I really didn’t want to see Rodgers in another Superbowl. My Pats didn’t disappoint at all. They dominated the game against Big Ben and they lost by 19 points. HAHA. I posted that too often on Twitter. It kept kicking it out, saying it was a duplicate tweet. I was sad.

I had a rough night. I woke up at 3 am in pain and didn’t go back to sleep till around 6. I then had weird dreams and didn’t wake up till around 1300. When I went downstairs to use the bathroom, my mother said some stuff to me. I told her what happened and she was like, I get up 3-4 times in the night and can go back to sleep. I was like yea, you can also just close your eyes and sleep. I can’t. Idiot! She really pissed me off. I got through this with her every single time I sleep past noon or get up past noon. She just doesn’t understand what I go through during the night. She thinks that if I am in my room all day, I sleep. That is not true. I just don’t go downstairs because the fucking TV is so loud I would go ballistic on it. Most of the time I am on my laptop or reading or playing with my phone while I have the laptop open. I only nap if I wake up before 6 and can’t go back to sleep. Or I am up all fucking night in pain which she just doesn’t understand. I just want to scream at her fuck you but she would bop me off the head if I did that.

I watched both games in the kitchen as my mother had control of the living room TV. I stood through most of the games, sitting sparingly. Though when it was evident the Pats were in control, I sat down to watch. I am sure pain will start any minute now that I am on my bed resting. My back is still hurting from this morning. I again woke up on my back and it must have been a long time because it really hurt and felt swollen. I haven’t taken any pain meds aside from early this morning and last night. What really sucks is that my urine retention is bad. I only peed once and that was during halftime of the second game, so around 2000, nearly 7 hours after I had been up. I had been drinking soda and coffee so it wasn’t like I wasn’t drinking. I think the strong pain pill is messing with me. I drank water hoping to go one more time before bed. I still haven’t gone yet. I probably will at like 0300.

My mother also pissed me off because while I was watching the game, she wanted me to wash dishes because I was “doing nothing”. FUCK YOU and your dishes. I ended up doing them and taking a bath at the same time, in between games. I fucking hate washing dishes because I always!! Get wet. She gave me the pan that she made pea soup in and it took me a good while to get the damn shit out of the cover and the rim of the pan. She didn’t soak the pan like I do by filling it all the way up. Bitch. That really pissed me off.

During halftime of the Pats game, I took a quick shower. I really had to because I stunk. If felt good to shower and brush my teeth. Now I am ready for bed and hope I get to sleep. I had to take my meds a little later than I usually do because I was watching the game late. I didn’t fill my pill box so it took a little longer while I filled it. I hate filling it, even though it’s only about five minutes. I just have so many pills I need to take and that doesn’t include my PRNs. I also hate taking the pills because it’s like a meal that I take late at night. My stomach just gets so bloated after taking all of them. Just the price of wellness, I guess.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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