Pats and Sox win!!!!

Pats and Sox win!!

Sox won. OverPrice would have had his first postseason win but they pulled him in the 4th inning. I don’t remember why as the fucking announcers were going on and on about some shit that I couldn’t follow. At one point, I lost track of the game because my favorite announcer was being shut out from speaking over the two other bozos trying to analyze what was happening while the umps conferred with one another over whether the batter got hit or it was a foul ball. I was so damn mad. I don’t watch the game as it is painful for me to sit for 3-4 hours and even though I was in my bed, I was hurting big time. I had this stabbing knife pain that felt like with each stab was trying to pry my ankle joint open. Now the top of my foot is hurting because I had it under the blankets but apparently they were too heavy. I just had the blanket (1) and sheet (1). I don’t understand CRPS even though I have had it for 8 years now.

My friend texted me the last 3 minutes of the Pats game. They won by 3 points. Brady did his thing. It was awesome, I am sure. I wish I could watch the games but like the baseball games, I just can’t sit that long anymore. I just hurt too much. I can’t listen to football games because I have no idea what the hell is going on with yards and shit. I just know when they get first downs and that is all I care about. One of the Pats players, who was hurt earlier in the season, is now out with a concussion. He is a good player. I hate to see him out.

One of the Sox pitchers in the hospital for a stomach illness. I hope the rest of the team doesn’t get it. That would be dreadful this time of year with the playoffs and stuff. He didn’t pitch too well last night so wonder if he was sick and just played through it.

I am hurting so bad. I saw my roommate. But he disappeared after I scared him away. I haven’t seen him since. I keep looking out for him so I can take a pic. I can only show it on Twitter as my sisters would freak and blame me for having a mouse in my room, like I invited him or something. They get ridiculous.

I am glad both Boston teams won today. I was watching the score of the football game as I listened to the Sox game. I got worried when Kimbrel was in the top of the 9th inning as there was a 3 run lead. He knocked it down to a two run lead and I nearly lost my shit. Then he got a fly out with the next batter and game over. I was happy then. Just wish this pain was down. I took my breakthrough med at 11 pm. That was two hours ago. I think this is nerve pain so that is why I took some gaba. I also took some fiber pills as I haven’t had a bowel movement in three days. I hate that I have to keep on top of this or I get back up real quick and it takes dynamite to go.

In two days I have shot 2 of T. I hope that I have some changes. All that I have noticed since stopping the female hormones is stupid vaginal stuff that I fucking hate and is yucky. But no bleeding and crossing fingers, hope that continues. It only has been a week so still early to tell. All evening, I have been moving my head up and down to see through my glasses to read shit on my phone. I think I am going to get new glasses because this is ridiculous. I don’t know if it is because the lenses are smaller than my other frame or what. It is just annoying.

I don’t know how I am going to sleep with my foot not under the blankets. I have not been successful with one foot out. It gets cold and I have to have it under. Nerve pain is so damn annoying. I am getting tired from meds. But my foot pain hasn’t calmed down enough for me to move it. I am so damn aggravated. Temps are going down tonight. It is already 44 degrees, a ten degree drop from earlier today. Going to be cold most of the week. Thursday when I see my PT it is going to be 40 degrees, but that might change. Least there won’t be rain this week. I can deal with the cold as long as there isn’t precipitation.

Football (American)

Football (American)

My Pats lost the Super Bowl. Game just ended a few minutes ago. It was a good game overall but the Pats defense could not hold the Eagles back enough to let the offense on the field.

My head hurts. I am tired. I woke up and did a lot of things today, going to the store twice and making chocolate zucchini bread. I used a small loaf pan that I bought so it took two hours for it to cook, maybe more. I know I put it in for 60 minutes but it took maybe a little more than an hour to really be done. I had to increase the oven temp and then check it every 10 minutes or so. Next time I will use the regular loaf pan.

Surprisingly despite all that I did, including taking a shower, my pain levels didn’t spike to astronomical levels. It has been a medium type of pain most of the day. I hope that when I lay down, my foot or ankle doesn’t go berserk on me.

The play of the game was more than 4 hours. I made a comment about how there has been talk of shortening baseball games lengths. Usually a baseball game will be about three and a half hours, minimum, though it could be less. It all depends on the speed of the game but some pitchers and changing of pitchers makes the game longer to last four hours or more, especially when there is a tie and it goes to extra innings or there are long at bats. There are many reasons a game lasts long. I personally don’t care how long it is. I love the game and want it to be played the way it currently is. There has been talk of the pitcher’s clock where I think they have 30 seconds to pitch the ball or something like that. I have no idea if it will be enforced. Will know more in about 10 days when Spring Training starts. I cannot wait. My love is coming back soon. I am pretty excited about it.

One of the suicide prevention twitter people I follow post about suicide not being an option the other day. I responded that death is always an option. Some idiot responded saying that I should follow his/her account on Facebook and we could talk about it. I asked why I had to follow him/her on another social media site. I got a weird response back so I blocked the account. It really bothers me when people say suicide is not an option. It is always an option in the human race, it has to be. People dying from incurable diseases or suffering indignity due to some disease have to have the right to end their lives on their terms. No one is promised a tomorrow but for those suffering, shouldn’t they at least have the choice to end it before they can no longer make that decision for themselves? I know I have been suicidal many times in the past year. I have no attempted in a very long time. I will be damned if I am going to let some asshat tell me I can’t take my life because it goes against their creed. I have chronic pain and it is a fucking struggle to be here day in and day out when all I want to do is end my life. As the great father of suicidology has said “How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention.” –Edwin Shneidman

Not Done

Not Done

The Patriots played the AFC Championship game and won! Now they are off to Minnesota to play in the SuperBowl. I am not sure when that is as I am not a football person. I think it is 4 Feb but I could be wrong. It usually is played in Feb, as far back as I can recall.

My mother made a huge gravy. When I went downstairs and started making coffee, she asked if I could open seven cans of tomatoes. She has trouble with the can opener and I told her I will open the cans for her if she promises not to use the new can opener I bought. It’s not the best and she has done something to it so I need to get a new one. Maybe I will order a new one on Amazon, an electric one as ours broke and we haven’t replaced it yet. Neither of us goes shopping anymore, least not in stores. I do mine online and my mother orders from catalogs.

After the game, I wanted to go back to my room but my mother wanted me to see if the ribs were done. I checked one and it was soft. I checked another one to be sure and the damn thing went flying spraying me and the floor with gravy. I was not fucking happy. I cleaned up and decided to shower rather than go upstairs. I had gravy all over my clothes. I took a shower and my ankle went berserk. It’s still hurting.

I am kind of tired. Before the game, I went to Walgreens and then the bakery. I wanted to get some bread but they closed at 1300. I’ll have to get it tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. It was warm and I wore a Pats shirt that I swear is not breathable. I was sweating by the time I came home.

I’ve had the RAM I need for my laptop in my Amazon cart. It was supposed to be “in stock” Jan 26. Now it won’t be until the 30th. I might get the hard drive as it is close to the same price. Only thing is, I want to see if the RAM solves the memory issues first. I would also have to back up my documents and stuff on my laptop before I did any work with the hard drive. That shouldn’t take long as it is just copy and pasting. I just hope installing the drive is not as hard as I am imagining it. From looking at the manual, it seems easy enough but I’ve never done it before, least not with a newer laptop. I still need to get a connection wire for my old laptop so it will work again. I kind of miss it. I think next month I will have enough money to bring it to the shop to see what is wrong with it and then go from there. It might just be a dead screen and I don’t know because I’ve never messed with hardware before.

Anyways, once I have a bigger hard drive, I will be able to install some software that I want. I might have to buy the latest EndNote version. The last version I bought was X6. I think they have X11 out now or maybe later. It keeps track of my bibliography. It’s not a pressing software I need because I don’t write papers anymore, least not that often but it’s nice to have so that Word and it can communicate. It has a nice link feature where you can cite as you type and makes the bibliography for you. It was a godsend when I found it. I wish I had it when I was taking my archeology class. I needed to cite 20 articles and it was a pain doing it by hand, in the format that the professor required. EndNote does all of that for you. It’s a beautiful software.

Patriots won!!

Patriots won!

The Pats won, 35-14. I am glad that changing my profile pics on Facebook, twitter and IG didn’t jinx them. I was worried because every time I do, usually they lose. But the Titans were not a strong team. I think they lost gas as the game wore on because the first quarter their defense was hard to get through. No sacks though, so that was good. Tomorrow’s games will tell who we will be playing next week.

My foot and ankle are killing me right now and every thing in between. I am so tired but pain is keeping me up. I thought about reading but the chapters are long and I would hate to be in the middle of one then forget where I left off. I like to read a chapter or stop at a gap midway. I will try and read later today. I figure if I read at least two books a month, that is 24 books, which will meet my challenge I have for the year. I really need to set time limits on my social media. Maybe using a timer will help. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

My sister made chicken cacciatore tonight. It wasn’t good. She used a lot of garlic. I hate garlic. I don’t mind the flavor in stuff but not in cacciatore. My mother doesn’t use it when she makes it. It was okay otherwise. She also made chicken soup. I might have some tomorrow. It’s going to be cold the next few days so it will be nice to have something hot.

While I was watching the game, I looked at the French press to see if the glass was cracked. I kind of noticed the lid was not securely on so that might be the problem. I put water in and it poured from the spout without any problems. So weird.

I have noticed that the past few days, despite my pain being all over the place, my suicidality has not been around. I don’t really know what triggers it or makes me feel so low. I know night time is the worst time for me as my mood dips and I can feel really hopeless. Add severe pain and it is a nice recipe for suicidal thoughts. I think being back on Zoloft has stabilized my mood a little bit. I wish it helped my pain but it that is not it’s function.

I had emailed my PT to ask her about if getting movement back in my ankle is a worthwhile task. She said it was and that more movement helped to decrease CRPS pain. She said she will talk more about it when she sees me next. I was going to do some exercises she gave me today but pain stopped me from doing anything. I will try tomorrow. I just need to get a sheet.