doc 2

I woke up at 0300. I was thirsty and in pain, of course. All the bones in my foot are aching me. It started around 1800 last night. I didn’t take any pain meds then because I have been trying to be conservative. I don’t think I will have enough pills to last me until Friday. I have been popping them like candy since I have had 3 flare ups, one right after another. My ankle going out on me earlier this week didn’t help matters.

I got a text from my friend’s husband. He was lonely and wanted someone to talk to. He just lost his father and is going through a depression. He feels like he has no one to talk to that understands. I get it. I don’t mind talking to him because he is a nice guy and I hate to see someone suffering from depression. It sucks. I told him I would send him my book with Star Trek stamps. He couldn’t believe there was such a thing. I am a trekkie through and through.

I just bought a new charger cord for my Kindle. The one I have is really for my Samsung phone and it takes forever to charge the Kindle. The cord is also longer so I don’t have to worry about it falling out while charging. The original cord was like less than 4 feet and didn’t fit the Kindle at all unless you really rammed it in the charging site. That is why I had to use my Samsung cord. I hope the longer cord is useful. Otherwise, I will just send it back.

I think I am going to take some more Neurontin. The pain is oscillating between physical pain and nerve pain. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my foot. It’s driving me crazy. I hate taking the new pills that I have because I ran out of the 300 mg capsules. Now I have 600 mg tablets and they taste awful. There isn’t a coating on the pill so it’s worse than my pain pills. But they work so I can’t complain too much.

I hope I am not too young to get the shingles vaccine. I am going to ask the pharmacist tomorrow about it as I don’t want to catch it from my mother. I don’t know if they will give it to me because I have been exposed to the virus or not. I don’t know how the shot works. I could look it up but I am not in the mood for Google. I really don’t need another painful condition with what I have. It will suck so bad.

I will have my Casi Cielo today as my bro in law bought me some half and half. I love this coffee. I bought the K-cups for the Keurig and it was so good. I hope the ground coffee is just as good. I will be making it for the first time later today.

I haven’t received my insurance bill yet. I know the premiums went up by at least $20. I have to have it because my insurance pays for my prescriptions. I hope that I don’t have to pay a lot for my monthly lot. I know my mood stabilizer is going to be the most expensive. It was last year. I really don’t need to bother with refilling my meds because I am not going to be around. I don’t know how to explain this to my psychiatrist. I know she will want to hospitalize me until “my thinking is straight” but I have made up my mind. There is no shaking it this time around.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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