pain depression tired day

I woke up to back pain today. It really depressed me. I didn’t want to do a damn thing today. My mother made bacon so I had a few strips of that. I have been munching a little here and there. I wanted coffee so I went to my sister’s apartment as that is where my half and half is. I told my brother in law to buy me another quart as he was going to the grocery store. I didn’t do my ankle any favors by going downstairs. It promptly started acting up. I had already taken some meds for my back so now I am going to stay in my room.

I am feeling really depressed. There isn’t anything that I have to do today. I don’t plan on going out. While I was downstairs, I checked to see if mail had come. It didn’t. I don’t know why I feel so down. I guess being in pain for another day is just depressing me.

I really don’t want to see my psychiatrist next week. I just think it’s pointless. I have been seeing her every week for most of January. I like seeing her, don’t get me wrong, but I really like to go back to every other week.

I started writing this around 1100 and each sentence was painful. I finally gave up and decided to come back to it. I am still feeling depressed. I had something to eat other than a protein bar. My mother made escarole soup so I had some of that. My brother-in-law made some pizza so I had some of that. I should have bought chocolate while at Walgreens yesterday. I think that is why I have been eating the protein bars because they have chocolate in them. Maybe if I feel better tomorrow, I will get some.

My mother is not feeling good. She finally is out of denial and realizes the docs were right and she does have shingles. I really hope I don’t catch it. Maybe tomorrow while at Walgreens, I will ask the pharmacist about it. I am staying clear of my mother but we use the same bathroom and stuff so I just worry.

I don’t know what set off my deep depression this morning. I think waking up in pain was part of it. I am feeling better now that I slept most of the afternoon. I put my phone on “do not disturb” so it wouldn’t bother me. The weird part was that I have it set up that if someone from my favorites calls me, it’s supposed to ring. My mother called three times and it didn’t. Weird.

My friend left me a couple messages on FB. She was sick with some virus earlier this week and now she got the stomach bug. I really wanted to video chat with her. Guess it won’t be today. I hope she feels better tomorrow. Stomach bugs suck.

Monday I plan on going back to my diet. I got to use up the protein shakes I bought. I have like 4 cases of them. I am glad I didn’t make the pumpkin cake that I wanted to make yesterday. That would have been bad. I meant to get the ingredients and everything but never did. Oh well. My foot is acting up again but it’s almost time for my night meds. I might take them early so I can take my pain meds and be done for the night. I still am tired even though I slept most of the day.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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