Frustrating psych appointment
I met with my psychiatrist this afternoon. We talked about my therapist and we both agreed she is avoiding me for whatever reason. My psych has tried to get in contact with her but they are playing phone tag. I was feeling really down while meeting with my psych and felt hopeless about therapy, the whole process of seeing someone new, etc. I just got annoyed because she kept on wanting me to try different approaches and I knew that once a new therapist found out my suicidal history, I would be referred to someone else, who would refer me to someone else and that is how the game is played. I am done playing the game. So my psych wanted me to text my therapist to call the new therapist that I picked out and see if there can be some way to talk to the new one. After I left her office, I did that. I don’t know how good it will do as my therapist is not in the office until Monday, which is when I wanted to text her, but we’ll see. I am not hopeful about it.
I left the office feeling like I wanted to jump off a bridge. But I am afraid of heights so I doubt that will happen. I don’t think my psychiatrist realizes I only have a few weeks left before I try something. I won’t be meeting with her in Feb. There is no way in hell that is going to happen. I don’t know what kind of excuse I will give but I am not seeing her. I bought my supplies that I needed to try to take my life in a couple of weeks while I was at Walgreens.
I didn’t sleep until after 0530 this morning and then it was only about 4 hours of rest that I got. I needed coffee badly. I caught the next bus going to the Square so I could have my espresso and a frappucino. Getting the frappucino completed my stars dash of 150 stars reward. I now have two free beverages or sandwiches. Sweet. I will probably use it Monday if there isn’t a snow storm. I am really tired. I came home and had a burrito that I bought while waiting for the next bus. My foot is acting up. My mother had me empty the dishwasher and the dishes in the strainer. I didn’t mind as she was cooking and I knew her back was hurting her. She finally realized that she does have shingles so is taking the medication for it. I just hope I don’t catch it.
I’m hoping to pass out soon from my pain meds. I will take some Ativan if I am not out in an hour. I need sleep. I didn’t tell my psychiatrist about my sleeping difficulties last night, though I did feel like paging her around 0430 when I was still up. I didn’t page her as I knew I would be seeing her. I am back to being in a lot of pain, though not as severe as I was last night/ this morning. I have the weekend to crash. I am anxious though. I feel like I am betraying my psychiatrist by not telling her my plans, though she kind of knows them. I was frank with her in the letter I sent her a few weeks ago. I didn’t give her a date, just the month I plan on doing the deed.
My psychiatrist wants me to stay in touch, even though I will see her next week, again. I asked her if she really wanted to see me, and she did, though she playfully said no at first. I wish it was a serious no. I would have felt more relieved.