Tag: back pain

In a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, physical pain

Trigger warning SA

My CRPS pain is a 10/10 right now. I can’t do anything and sleeping is far from happening. I wrote in my journal. I recorded how I am in my 3rd day of headaches/migraines. I just took another triptan for it. I got to refill the prescription. The CRPS is out of remission and I am so depressed about it. I don’t know what can be done about it. Nothing but taking pain meds around the clock worked before.

My lower back along the spine hurts. And my left calf hurts. That has been bothering me all fucking day. It made therapy difficult because I couldn’t get comfortable. I talked about difficult things in therapy. My therapist said I have been through a lot and that i was resilient. I hate that word. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is overused with people who have trauma. The stuff about those college boys that raped that girl has stirred up my own memories of what I’ve been through. There was a statistic saying that 99% of men are rapists. I was raped by the 1%. It happened more than 20 years ago. But the incident left me feeling like I shouldn’t be with someone. I have remained single all this time. I have not been in a relationship and don’t really care to be. I felt kind of lonely tonight. I wanted to cuddle with the pup but her mom came home just as I was going down the stairs.

I took plenty of meds for my pain. Tonight was take anything and everything kind of night. It’s been about 2 hours and my pain is a little less than it was before but I am still hurting. I am listening to music to distract myself. This station i created plays all types of songs, from 80s to now. It’s awesome. The most played group is Matchbox 20. I love them. I got to get their newest album. They have a song called Hang and it is really touching.

I’ve felt suicidal tonight. I so wanted to OD and end it all. I have so much school work to do. I am starting to get overwhelmed. I need to stay away from these thoughts. It is so hard though. It is my go to place. I have thought of OD’g around the time I see my pcp but I have a quiz in my gender class that day. I am so crunched. I can’t be doing stupid shit.

therapy black out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy black out

Trigger warning sexual abuse talk

I had therapy today and in the middle of it, my power goes out. I had to use my hotspot to connect but because I was in the dark, I didn’t turn the camera on. UGH. We were talking about trauma and specifically my mother’s abuse towards me. She sexually abused me from the time I was young, like age 2 to 13. She always had to look at my genitals or breasts. Now that I have been cathing for a while, I still have flashbacks to when she touches me when I touch myself. In my pediatric records, the doctor notes that my “vagina was closing” according to my mother but I wonder if it was really my urethra as it is in my vaginal opening. I’ve had a few UTI’s growing up and I wonder if it is because my mother stuck things in there. I also had a trauma medical procedure done to me when I was five. I had to be restrained physically and chemically for the doctor to do the procedure. All I remember is that I was screaming for my mother to get me, to comfort me, and when she didn’t come, I felt abandoned. I hated my mother for not being there. It was then that I started hearing voices.

Today’s WordPrompt from WordPress is transition. I was talking about my transition today with my therapist as my mother misgendered me, again. It invalidates me and makes me think my transition is not worth it. As I will always be seen as a “daughter” to her rather than a son. She thinks she owns me. I haven’t told her that I will be having top surgery yet. I want to make sure the insurance is going to cover it. I don’t want to tell her and then it not happen. It is five months away anyways. I am hoping that I can have it sooner but I got to know insurance will cover it first.

I am going for blood work this week so asked my pcp if they also need a urine sample because my test strip for home testing tested positive for white cells. I don’t know if my bladder is still inflamed or what. It still hurts though and even though I am starting the estrogen cream tonight, it could be a month before it has an effect. I was going to start last night but I got too tired to put it on. I was going to put it on after my last cath for the night but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfy.

I woke up a couple of time during the night to pee and I was on the same schedule as my mother as every time I had to go pee so did she. I might have to hide the benzoyl peroxide I bought as I found it on the sink rather than in the cabinet. The last tube I bought was used by family members. I never had a chance to use it because it was used up before I could or it went missing on me. I have a breakout of zits right now and need to use it. For fuck’s sake, I bought it with my money and the shit is not cheap. Pisses me off that someone keeps using my acne products.

I wanted to make a zucchini chicken stir fry for supper but my ankle and foot are hurting me too much. My mother is just going to make the chicken with salt and pepper for me. I just realized I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. I never made lunch like I had wanted to. Therapy just got me so upset.

Saturday Blog 30102021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 30102021

I started a blog yesterday afternoon when inspiration hit and unfortunately, my emotions shut it down. I still can’t go back to it yet so I sent it to my therapist and maybe I can finish writing it. I think it is an important thing for me to write about but the emotions surrounding it are powerful.

I woke up around 2 last night in pain. I emptied my bladder because it had been close to seven hours since I last did it. I tried going back to sleep but I was too woken up. I stayed up for a few hours and then finally went back to sleep. I don’t remember my med alarm going off but I must have shut it off. I didn’t stir but just went back to sleep. I hear notifications go off on my phone but I just ignored them. Then my mother called me at 1pm and I reluctantly got up. She needed to get a few things at Amazon so after I had a bowl of cereal and made my coffee, I searched the things she needed. Now I feel ready to go back to sleep.

I made an appointment with my barber for Tues. My royalties for this month were more than I was expecting, which was good because it pushed my account to where I have the twenty bucks for my hair. I think I am going to go to a three when I see him. I rather him do it than me try it. I need to shave today. I also need to pick up my meds. It’s raining out. I was hoping they would be ready in the morning but they just got done now. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I don’t need it until then anyways.

I have no idea what I am going to eat today. I might order Chipotle. I have added corn salsa to my burrito bowl and it is so damn good. But I am not hungry right now so I don’t want to order it. Yesterday I ordered a cheese pizza because I was craving it. It was pretty good. I might order it again. Or I will just have cereal, my inexpensive go to when I don’t feel like having nothing else.

I have a sort of busy week next week. Monday I have therapy and then Tues I am seeing my pcp, getting my blood drawn for a study, and then getting my haircut on the way home. I am going to be wiped out. The following week is going to be busier with MTW appointments that are all in person except my therapist appointment. I am going to be exhausted. I am exhausted just thinking about navigating around the hospital for Tuesday’s appointment. The place I got to have my blood drawn is at the complete end of the entrance, the furthest building on campus. And the only way to get there is through the main entrance as the other doors are closed due to covid. A lot of fucking walking for ten bucks.

therapy and shoulder pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and shoulder pain

I was so damn tired today. I only woke up twice during the night. One to pee and the other because of shoulder pain. My med alarm went off and I wanted to throw my phone across the room. I shut it off but didn’t get up until an hour later when I had to pee again. I took my meds and used the bathroom. I was still tired so I just went back to bed. My hip was hurting me from the dampness. I didn’t wake up till almost twenty minutes before my therapy appointment. Yikes!

I quickly made a cup of coffee as I logged on to my laptop. Shoulder pain had calmed down. Therapy started a little early and we talked about dating as I joined a dating app and have been talking to someone. We talk about how great it is but at the same time I am apprehensive about them dealing with the medical side of me. It is very complex and I am on a lot of meds for the different conditions I have. I just am worried they are going to see me (if we meet in person) and I am going to be a turn off because I won’t be what they imagined I would be. I never thought someone would be interested in me because I am so hard with my esteem issues. We also talked about my shoulder issues. I told her the conflict I have with back PT and shoulder PT. I said that I want back PT because if I can’t move there is no way I can do shoulder therapy. She was okay with that then asked if I do the exercises outside of therapy. HA! I do them. But not usually all of them. The PT I have usually gives only three or four exercises rather than like 10 so it is easier to remember and do them but they will be the same exercises I have been doing for the past twenty years.

After therapy, I took a shower and shaved. It was the first time in a week that took one. I have been shaving but not showering. I still have to get my haircut. I am thinking of just getting it down to a three. I just am scared because I might end up shaving my whole head with it that low. I never done that before. I have had my hair really short, like whiffle short before but it has been a while since I have had it that short.

My lower back has been bothering me most of the damn day. Weather sucks. I don’t ever remember a year where we have had so much rain. It is going to be cloudy and rainy all week. I am just glad the temp isn’t colder or we would get snow. That would really suck. I don’t have to go out except to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I hate to go out in rainy weather. I used to love it. I rather have a cloudy day than sunny. My back does not like the rain though.