Tag Archives: back pain

feeling shocked and in a flare

Feeling shocked and in a flare

I’ve been in pain since 5 this morning. I decided I wasn’t going to go to the pain program. I tried leaving a voicemail for the scheduler but she doesn’t work on Thursdays. So I wrote a message to both people I was seeing today through the gateway thingy. Then when my med alarm went off, I called the office to make sure they got the message.

Around 11 or so, my sister texted me asking if I got results from the MRI. I said I probably would in the afternoon or tomorrow. Around 2 PM I was feeling tired and wanted a nap so sent off a message to my PCP’’s office to see if results were back. I didn’t expect anything and tried to snooze but my damn brain wouldn’t shut off because I was aggravated with the noise from the TV. I turned on the whisperer and tried to relax but that wasn’t happening. Around 3, my PCP’s office called it was the idiot NP I met last week. Guess what? I didn’t have plantar fasciitis! I had a muscle tear. Lovely. I was shocked by the news I forgot to say I told you so and you’re an idiot but just hung up the phone after she told me to call an ankle specialist. I got to get a copy of the MRI and report. I feel so fucking nervous about this. My left foot has been throbbing all day and my right is just hurting because it is bruised. The part that is torn is also hurting me. UGH I hope I don’t need surgery.

It has been hard to stand most of the day. I thought resting would be good. I cleaned out my nightstand drawer because I had shit in there that was making it hard to open and close it. I got rid of a lot of stuff I don’t need, found some memorabilia from the Sox my former therapist gave me as well as her birthday cards over the years. I also found an email from my good friend in South Africa that I kept for sentimental reasons. There were some old stamps in my drawer. At least a half a dozen pens. Some worked and some didn’t. I left them in the drawer. By the time I was done, I had reorganized it so I knew where stuff was and it wasn’t so cluttered. It also opened and shut easily.

I tried clearing my book stacks but my back was telling me no. I got a box for my journals. I should reinforce the seams with tape so the weight doesn’t make it come apart. I threw two journals that were out in the open in it. I think I might throw the books that I have read in it as well as it is a big box. I don’t know. When I am feeling better, I will decide.

I emailed my PT about the muscle tear. She was as shocked as I was. She told me to make sure I find a doc that specializes in the foot and ankle. I have someone in mind though they are out of network. I am not sure what my bill will be afterwards. If I need surgery, I will have to see someone else. I will definitely want a second opinion. I don’t want to see the docs at the Partners hospital I go to. I might see someone outside of Boston. Or maybe a different hospital. I am not sure if I should continue with the pain program or not because I don’t want to worsen the tear. It is going to be awhile before I can get a copy of the MRI. I don’t know how soon I can get to see this doctor I want to see. I am hoping just being in a boot for a few weeks helps, though walking will be very difficult.

I need to shower but I made dinner tonight, which wasn’t in my plans but my mother was tired so. I might do it later. I want to just read my book but so far I haven’t had a chance as I just been on social media. I really need to set a timer or something to stop playing on my phone. While I was cleaning out my drawer, I found some thumb drives. There some work files as well as some other stuff. I found some old pictures of my nieces and nephew with my father. Brought up some memories of him. I do miss him.

Losing my mind with not being able to walk like I used to

Losing my mind with not being able to walk like I used to

I had a pretty decent sleep. I fell asleep soon after the ball game. They lost. I was so tired that I just laid down and was soon asleep for the first time in a long time. I kind of woke up early, but no idea the time because I didn’t want to get up. I was freezing but just turn on my right side to get more comfortable. Then I woke up in pain after a weird dream. I just stretched out my leg a few times but didn’t stir. Then my med alarm went off. I got up to take my meds and shut the AC off. Within an hour, it was hot in my room so I turned it back on but turned up the temp so I wasn’t so cold.

I got up around 11. The money I was hoping to be in my account wasn’t there yet so I couldn’t get my haircut. I am not sure what I want done with my hair but it needs a little trim. I noticed today it was a bit uneven with my shaving bits. Oh well. I can only imagine what the back looks like. I made breakfast. I just made egg and toast as I wasn’t in the mood to cook bacon. It was too muggy in the kitchen, even though it was morning. I washed the dishes after I was done, but realized when I got to Starbucks, I forgot the frying pan. Oh well.

I was debating on showering but my ankle was kind of angry with me standing washing stuff so I held off. I knew I was going to need one when I got home after my appt. I wanted to bring cookies to Starbucks but I forgot them. I just had my espresso. The barista either puts too much ice or not enough. Today they put a lot so I didn’t have much room for soy. I drank it anyway. I called the VNA that was hounding me all week. Why they didn’t call the surgeon’s office to find out where my mother was, I have no clue. I had to repeat where she was a few times. I was so annoyed. I tried writing in my journal for a bit. Then I left for the train.

I was a half hour early for my appointment. I took my breakthrough med as my ankle was really getting cranky. When I checked in, I had to use the bathroom. I kind of had to go before I left Starbucks, but I didn’t feel like going. It cost me because I leaked. I was not happy. The doc took me early and I explained what was going on with my glasses. She said the prescription was correct which means I just going to move my head/eyes to find my “sweet spot” when trying to read. Great. So I will be bobbing my head when I read. She had the optician fix my glasses so they didn’t slide off my face. I also had him do the same with my sunglasses.

I called the Thai place for dinner. It was so fricken hot and my legs, specifically my calves, just didn’t want to work anymore. It is really bothering me that I can’t walk like I used to. My legs were so fatigued. I hope it was the heat that was causing me to feel like a dead weight. I got my food and then crossed the street to catch the train. It came as I got there but there were no seats so I had to stand most of the way. My legs wanted to kill me. When I got to the Square, I checked my messages. I had a few but didn’t hear the ding. I forgot I turned the ringer off so turned it on. I had to pick up my prescription, which meant more fucking walking. My legs were killing me and my foot was really hurting me. It was about three hours since the breakthrough med so I didn’t know why I was hurting so much. I have no idea how the med is dosed. I didn’t want to look it up because my phone keeps track of every fucking search I make and I don’t know how to delete it. I wanted to do it on my laptop anyway.

By the time I got home, I was very hungry and was soaked with sweat. I so needed a shower. In my haste to get upstairs, I forgot to switch glasses. I didn’t care at that moment. I needed food. I went to my room to turn on the AC so my room would cool off while I ate and then showered. I ate about half of my meal. Then I went downstairs while I ran the shower to get my glasses. I then took a shower and my ankle pain shot way up. My lower back felt like it was going to snap. I quickly stop drenching my head with cool water and got out. I dried off quickly and then went upstairs. I emailed my psychiatrist that my pain was at a suicidal level again and to expect angry pain emails later. There is just this spot on my ankle that when it flares up, I just want to fucking die! It is awful. I looked up when I could dose myself with the IR med. Every 3-4 hours according to the FDA site I saw. So obviously, this med doesn’t stay long in your system. And the pain doc just wants me to take 1 per day. I can take up to two, if needed but he wants me to just take one. I am going to flip on him when I see him next week. This isn’t fucking working. I am going to tell him I am NOT going to PT unless my flares are being addressed with an increase of pain meds because what I am taking is NOT FUCKING WORKING!!! Going to a doctor’s appointment shouldn’t always cause me pain! Or doing laundry and other household chores!! I have had enough!!

doing laundry all day

Doing laundry all day

The hamper was full so I decided to do laundry. I started it before my groceries were delivered. I didn’t separate the clothes until after the groceries were put away. I had to take breaks because it was so damn hot in the kitchen and my back was giving me grief. I put away the refrigerated and frozen stuff first and then took my time with the other stuff.

I had about 6 loads of laundry. I just put the last load in the washer. There is also a load in the dryer. I folded the clothes, my way, and it was a huge pile. I split it as there was no way I could carry all of it up the stairs.

I got an eye appointment tomorrow. It is supposed to be slightly cooler but not much. I had conflicting reports from two meteorologists so neither knows when the humidity is going down. It is just going to be hot the rest of the week and next week, too. I am not liking this. But the storms seem to be moving out and the game will be played today. Last night they scored 5 runs, all dingers (homeruns), and it didn’t count because they were rained out! The Red Sox, Sox Nation, and I were ripshit. It was the umpires call once the game started but the O’s should have called the game knowing the rain was moving in. Jerks. I hate the O’s and their manager. Hope he gets fired after the “wonderful” season he is having.

I hope I remember I have my eye appointment. I keep thinking I have nothing going on but I do. I wanted to spend tomorrow just resting but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I will make a sandwich for lunch. The appt is late in the afternoon. I think I am going to order Thai for dinner. I’ll get Pad Thai. It is my favorite. It is too hot to cook. I still need to get more turkey breast for sandwiches. I bought precooked bacon. I wasn’t crazy about it. I forget the brand I bought. I think Boar’s Head is better but you only get like 7 slices per box. This had more than that.

My mother might be coming home next week. Depends on how she does. She is going to see the surgeon Monday. I can but can’t wait till she is home. I just know my lunatic aunt is going to be over every fricken day to hover over her and start fights with her. Drives me crazy. I wish I could just tell my aunt to leave but it’s my mother’s house too.

I took about 2.5 hour nap. I probably won’t sleep tonight.

PT, power outage, and other stuff

I finally was able to sleep around 0430. My med alarm went off around 9. I wanted to throw my phone. I shut the thing off and was drifting off back to sleep. I caught myself and then took my meds. I went downstairs to use the bathroom. I washed my face and for some reason, forgot to brush my teeth. I will have to do so tonight, if my foot pain lets up.

I made breakfast, fried egg and toast. My mother was in the kitchen before pain made her leave. I finished my breakfast in silence and then went back up to my room, only to realize, I didn’t make coffee. I went back downstairs and made it for me and my mother. My mother said I didn’t make it good. It is shit coffee anyways. I don’t care. I made my coffee a little too sweet with the creamer that has sugar in it. I am going to have to buy the Natural Bliss one again. I’ll probably get it on Friday when I am out again.

I was getting itchy just waiting around. My friends on Twitter hadn’t responded to the blog I wrote at the midnight hour. I think they did while I was on my way to PT. I left an hour early because I couldn’t stand being in my room anymore. It was so fricken hot. I brought my Kindle to read while I waited. My PT took me early and did her thing. She was happy that I was doing my exercises. Ya, cause they didn’t involve my ankle at all!! Just upper body and my hips. She did myofascial release again and this time it bothered my thigh. It was in the last minute of it so I let her finish. Don’t know if that was wise or not but I figure why not.

I found an easier way to get back to the station. The end of the building that the PT office is leads to the street that has a bus stop about a block away. I walked it and a bus came pretty quickly. I just got to the station and was able to transfer to the bus home! Score! I checked my message as there were a few. The suicidologist that I have been followed had given me a website to look at the next time I feel like talking to someone that isn’t going to be judgmental or call the cops on me because I have suicidal feelings. It is a chronic suicide group. I told her I would check it out. I did when I got home, once my power got back on. It was out for about a half hour. I was sweating when I came home and had no fan or AC to cool off. It was stuffy in my room. I was holding out for it to come back soon and when it did, I cooled off just enough to go downstairs to have something to eat in case the power went back out again.

I have brought my portable charger on my bed in case I need to charge my phone. Getting back in bed wasn’t good. The pressure I was putting on the mattress to climb in caused a flare. I can’t take any meds. I had already taken a breakthrough med about 2-3 hours ago. I did take some ibuprofen as my back is hurting. Between my foot and ankle hurting, I want to take some Ativan and call it a fucking night. Guess I won’t be hearing the Sox play tonight. They did good last night. The pitcher, Rick Porcello, hit his first double, bringing in three runs. It was awesome. Usually a pitcher strikes out or maybe gets a hit or a sac fly. He came through and helped himself to a lead. The Nats slowly worked their way up but Betts hit a homerun and we kept the lead, thank god. It might have gone to extras otherwise.

Pain has once again brought out the suicidal me. I had sent my blog that I wrote in the midnight hours to my psych but when I emailed her asking her if she read it, she said she didn’t get it. Guess that is why I got no response. I sent it to her again. Hope she gets it this time. I am kind of scared because if she freaks out, what am I going to do? I don’t want to go back to the hospital and I won’t because it is a waste of fucking time. I will page her every hour if it comes to that. Fuck the hospital. I can’t believe just getting on my bed cause my ankle to go completely berserk. That with my foot pain, I am in a “wonderful” mood.

On the way home, I played the lottery because the pot is $270 million. My gut has been telling me to play since it was $210 and today it got really strong. I played my father’s and godfather’s birthdays. I will be happy with a free ticket. I was surprised the cost of the ticket went up. Crooks. It is now $2 when it used to be $1. I don’t know when it happened as I don’t play often, only when the pot is big. Hope I win. I will then move to Canada to avoid another US civil war.

it is hot and I am hangry

It is hot and I am hangry

I have been in a kind of pissy mood most of the day. I found out that it is because I am hungry. I felt better once I had breakfast and then didn’t eat again until I got home from therapy. I was so friggen angry. Every moron was in my way. I nearly missed my stop because I lost track of the stops. I thought I got on the train where my psychiatrist is. My therapist is two stops later. I was so angry and distracted by my phone, I lost count and luckily looked up in time. No matter, the bus decided not to show up. I caught the bus down the street to catch the 1545 bus that would take me home. I am so mad! And HOT. On the way home, I saw my cousin sitting on the wall by Walgreens. I guess he stopped to relax as his prescription wasn’t ready. We talked on the way home. It had been a while since we chatted. I have his number blocked because he annoys me. Sorry but if I don’t answer my phone the first time, that doesn’t give you permission to call every two minutes for 10 minutes trying to reach me!!

I ordered food because I didn’t want to heat up the pulled pork or make something else. I was too tired and hot. Therapy went okay. He is on vacation for two weeks. Kind of weird not seeing him. He asked why. I said because we have not really had two consecutive weeks of not seeing each other. Maybe every other week but not two weeks. And in that time frame, I don’t have anything else scheduled. Mostly because the All Star game is playing, which means the Sox are off for four days. I hate that week. I miss my boys playing. I can’t believe we are almost at the midway point. We lost big time last night. Sox got their asses handed to them all because of OverPriced Price. Fricken asshole. I think he did it on purpose so he can find some excuse not to play them next time. Fricken loser he is. And a $31 million dollar one at that!

I wrote my friend an email. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago with a doggie pic of the breed she likes. But my stupid phone did something to the email I wrote and it got stuck in my outbox so the only thing that got sent was the pic, then it looked like she responded but there was nothing. I don’t know. I used my computer to send her another message with an update. I am seeing my friends that are south of Boston on the 4th. I am wicked excited. I told them I might be late as the T is running on a Sunday schedule, which means no service to the red line. I hope I can get a ride from my sister. She hasn’t answered my text so not sure what she is doing. If I can’t, I will have to go to the Orange line and transfer to the red. I have no idea how the trains are going to be running. I know I will probably need a cab home.

My back started to act up soon after I got up. Started with my right buttock hurting. I used a tennis ball to massage it. Now my lower back on the right side is hurting. Feels like the muscles want to be torn away from my spine and sacrum. I just hurt. I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain. It is all muscles. I have no radiating pain that would indicate a nerve problem. Weird thing is that I am having zaps (electric shocks) going through the sole of my left foot. It is mild but can cause me to jump at any minute. I had to put my foot at a weird angle to make it stop. Hate zaps. They are more unpredictable than flares. Come when you least expect it and just going about your business. Fuckers. I wish I didn’t have PT tomorrow but the next few days are going to be hot either way. Friday there are going to be storms so I don’t want to go out in that. I just want to hug my AC. I woke up freezing around maybe 4 this morning. I had to shut it off. Then I woke up hot. It didn’t matter as I had to be up anyways. I wish I stayed up than go back to sleep. I feel so worn out. Even my therapist said I was tired.