new music Friday

New music Friday

My top favorite artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, came out with a new album today. It took some getting to buy as the Amazon music app sucks. I swear with each update it gets worse. I got the album and am listening to it now and there isn’t a bad song. My only complaint is that one of the songs has like a 2-3 minute music after the song ends. I hate that. It already has a minute intro.

I didn’t do anything today. I wanted to fix my bed as the foam topper is coming off but I still haven’t done it yet. I just am so damn tired from being in pain all day. Ankle has been rough all day and my back has been cramping for some reason. I am so exhausted and I have no reason to be. But being in pain is exhausting. It is so tiring. It just takes so much mental energy to deal with it.

I got a headache and I am not sure if it is because of the fluid or if it is the beginning of a migraine. I feel sort of nauseous so it might be migraine related. The pressure has gone up so I wouldn’t be surprised if it is a migraine. I will be going to bed soon. I can’t stay up as my eyes are so heavy. Trying to stay awake to finish this blog but it is so hard. I feel like I am in a cloud. I didn’t eat much today. I haven’t had much of an appetite.

I wanted to listen to Hamilton tonight and keep track of the Sox but I think I am just going to go to bed. I will listen the musical tomorrow. I might watch it again. It is a good show. Sox are playing the Blue Jays tonight. I hope they win. It will be the second game in a row they would have won. Their record right now is 4-8. I hope they get better but I am not hopeful as the pitching just isn’t there.

a little of this and that

A little of this and that

I have been bordering on the edge of crying all day today. My emotions have been all over the place. I haven’t cried yet but it is there. I am listening to Taylor’s new album, Folklore. It is beautifully crafted. I love all the songs. I can’t believe I haven’t written about this till now. I am a huge Taylor fan (if you been following me for a few years you know this). I didn’t like her album lover as much as I thought I would but this one, blows the socks out of the water. I am so in love with this album. There is no song that I have skipped nor want to. I don’t have a favorite song yet. There are three in the mix, maybe five. I am still learning the names of the songs. It takes me a long time to learn a new album’s names and there are a lot of songs on this album so it is going to take a while.

I had therapy yesterday. My therapist is concerned now that I am not on medication. She feels that eventually she will have to hospitalize me because she fears a deterioration in my mood. I hope this doesn’t happen. She is having a check in with me on Monday to see how I am. Mentally I am not doing well. I know this but I am worried that she is worried.

I had a shit day so far today, literally. I lost control of my bowels this morning. What a fucking mess. I had to shower afterwards. There was no getting around it. I had my mother look at my backside to see if I got everything. Then I had her give me a beach towel so I could shower. My sister was kind enough to yell at me for not emptying the garbage bag in the bathroom. I thought that was nice of her.

I haven’t been keeping up with fluids today and I feel it. I feel so out of sorts its not funny. I am just completely worn out. I went to get my haircut after therapy yesterday. I got a caramel cloud macchiato. It was so good. I miss going there regularly. They have the seating all blocked off. It is sad for the times.

I have been weepy the past three days but I haven’t cried. It is like it is building but I can’t get relief. I am so depressed. I wish I knew why but I don’t. I feel like I am just going to lose it one of these days. I am so tired of being depressed. I am off medication, which is why my therapist is concerned about me. I won’t go back on meds unless I am in worse shape. There really is nothing for me to take. I have been on everything. I might go back on Zoloft if I have to go back on meds. I don’t know what I will do if the voices come back. I don’t know if I want to go back on the Invega. I might switch to something else.

My surgeon’s secretary got back to me today. Surgery is scheduled for the 27th of Aug. Four weeks I will know if this is going to work for me. In the meantime I am still going to get headaches and shit when I do things. I am so tired I think I am going to lay down and hope I can sleep.

another day of excessive heat

Another day of excessive heat, another day in my room

I wish I had energy to go with being cooped up in my room. I might actually get some stuff done but I have no energy. I again didn’t sleep or slept with weird dream of masks, gaming, and social distancing. I dreamt weird things and the dreams seemed to go on forever, like I was stuck in them unable to break free.

I finally got my pain meds from the pharmacy. My brother in law picked it up for me. I am back to being medicated. The barometric pressure hasn’t really been up nor down but the humidity is what has been bringing about pain waves. My ankle has been so sore. It has been alternating with severe pain. I need to wash my face and neck and chest because I have a fricken breakout. I woke up with three zits per side of my next and my chest is just a disaster. I got two under the skin zits that hurt so bad on my face where my beard was. I had to shave it off. I feel cleaner now and less sweaty.

Ankle has started up. I shouldn’t have said anything about it a little while ago. Feels like someone is digging in the side of ankle right at the joint. No matter what position I put it in, it hurts. CRPS is a bastard. So I am trying to write another blog for the second day in a row in wicked bad pain. Yesterday I was able to write without pain and more than 1100 words. My word count right now is 276 so I have some typing to do. I just don’t know if it is worth it. I feel so down with every blow of pain my ankle is giving me. And it isn’t just my ankle. The foot is also hurting. Feels like someone is trying to grab the metatarsal bones out from where they lay and rip them out.

I need a haircut. I wanted to get it done Friday but hell was unleashing so I stayed in. I was really tired that day anyway. Today is Sunday so my barber is off. I will try and get my hair cut tomorrow. Might be a sacrifice to the heat gods. I got another heat advisory warning and nearly died. WTF is it going to cool down??!! I am staying in my room until it is cooler. The house wouldn’t be bad if we had AC but we don’t so it’s murder. I am really struggling to write today because of pain. I just can’t get a clear head. I ended up washing my face and chest because I wanted to put the acne stuff on them. My neck has zits too, which hurt. I hate when they are on nerves. I just want to sleep right now. It is almost med time so I will wait until then to turn in. I have been turning in early the past few nights but it hasn’t helped me sleep better. I just have weird dreams about Covid and masks.

I am hoping to get called from uro to have urodynamic studies done. I called last week but no one returned my call. I also put in a referral for the pain clinic seeing as things are opening. If not then maybe I will get a virtual visit with someone. My ankle has been a real pain lately and if I can get a handle on the pain I can increase my physical activity once this hell has frozen over. I am not leaving my room except to use the bathroom and eat. And shower possibly, which will be the goal tomorrow.

having a meltdown in the middle of a heatwave

Having a meltdown in the middle of a heat wave

Today I snapped with the heat. I just cannot take it anymore so I am staying in my room to freeze to death. I cannot stand the hotness and humidity that has been going on all week. I haven’t been able to get my prescription. My brother in law will get it later today. I have been without my meds the past three days. And my ankle is killing me. It hurts so much that I can’t do a damn fucking thing. I wish I could wake up from this night mare but it has been so fricken hot I don’t think I will see a cold day until winter, whenever that is. I don’t ever remember temps being this high before. It doesn’t help that the house doesn’t have AC. I think if it did I wouldn’t be so ornery. I am passed my breaking point and the only place I can be is in my room because that is where the AC is. I wanted to get my hair cut today but I have no energy and besides, I can’t walk right now with my ankle being sore.

I feel this horrendous pressure to do something but I don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed. I brushed my teeth for the first time in days. I just haven’t been with the whole self care/self hygiene stuff this week. It has been too hot. I really want to shave but I have no energy to sit in the hot bathroom. The whole house is sweltering hot and my mother doesn’t care. I just want to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping and or been having bad dreams. Right before I woke up I dreamt about chicken wings and how there were pans and pans of them in some religious order. We cooked them but we couldn’t eat them because they were plastic. My brain on a heatwave.

Last night was BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sox won 13-2 against the Orioles. Nasty Nate was nasty. I bought batteries for my radio because I don’t know where the plug is for the radio. I thought I put it in the battery compartment but it’s not there. Another annoyance in this heat. I should get the batteries today I hope. Then I can listen to the game all season, all 60 games.

I want a coffee but I don’t want to leave my room. I just want to freeze and think about shaving. Maybe I will shave in my room. I will dry shave though I don’t know how I will rinse the razor. Ok poor planning on my part. Maybe that isn’t a good idea. I just want this stubble off. It is annoying me. I have one big zit on my jawline that hurts and little ones all throughout my beard. I think the heat just created this I need to wash my face but I don’t want to leave my room unless it is going to a cooler part of the house which there is no cooler part of the house. I wish my mother had AC in the house. This is ridiculous that every summer we got to sweat our heads off. I am so fucking mad at her. She got her prescription at the pharmacy but didn’t get mine. Now I am without meds.

I talked with my psych the other day. We had a mutal meeting and she is now an associate of mine. She isn’t my doctor anymore but we know each other and care for one another. She wants me to write a book and I laughed. She asked why I was laughing and I said it was because it was funny. I can’t write a book. I have no idea what the hell to write. I can barely write a blog daily. Book writing is different though. I just don’t know what I want to write. I still have hopes of writing a baseball history book. I want to do that but I don’t know how. I have never written a history book and it has been quite some time since I wrote a history paper. I need to look it up and see what is out there. And if the market will support the book.

I am so bloody tired. I just want to fucking sleep. Or lay down. That is all I have been doing the past three days. I haven’t left my room except to use the bathroom and eat. I need a haircut. I wanted to get it done today but that is not happening unless it is 2 degrees outside. I am falling asleep. I am just so damn tired from this godforsaken heat. My brother in law is cutting the grass so I am getting fresh cut grass smell through my AC. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. I hate feeling so lifeless. Everything is a fucking effort right now and I can’t stand it. I really want to shower but it is too fucking hot. I don’t care if I drink all my lemon lime Gatorade today. I only got 10 of the 20 I ordered. I am not happy about this but maybe during the week I can go to stop and shop and get some more. I will see if my cousin can take me if this heatwave cools off. I am not going out in this fucking mother fucking heat. I just am not doing it. It better be 20 degrees next week or I am going apeshit.

I want to shave my fucking face so I can get rid of the zits that are there. My beard is so uncomfortable. I hate it. I want to be clean shaven again. Least the bathroom has a cool vent so I can be some what comfortable. I just need the fucking energy to do it. I want to fucking nap so hard right now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I need some music that isn’t Hamilton right now. I took an Ativan because I need to fucking chill right now. I am just so upset over the heat and there is nothing I can do about it. I want the batteries to the radio so I can listen to the fucking game again. I miss hearing it. Last night I wanted nothing more than to listen to it and I was denied. The batteries are on their way so I can listen to the radio this afternoon. I will listen to some part of the game today even if it is the last part of it. I miss baseball so much.

I had a bran muffin for breakfast and as far as I am concerned that is the only thing I will eat today. I don’t fucking care. I had my coffee with it and I might make another coffee. I want coffee today and I don’t care if it gives me the jitters.

They just published a study where those with psychotic depression did better with ECT than those with non psychotic depression. I still am not going to lose my memory because I value my memory more than anything. And it was a 10 year old study so I don’t see how the results are new. I put my AC on high so I can freeze and be under a blanket with the AC on. I want to freeze so bad I feel like taking my shirt off. My ankle is feeling the cold more than any other part of my body right now. I hate that it is so sensitive to temperatures. I don’t want to put on a thermal sock on. I don’t want to wear thermal socks in a heat wave. I will flip out.