3500 blog post
This is my 3500th blog post. I have been blogging since 2012, the year I got disabled. It was a tough year and I was depressed and suicidal most of the time. I had a lot of time on my hands and so I think writing about how I was feeling helped to get stuff out of my head. This blog has been a lifesaver for me. I don’t know what I would do without it.
Yesterday was a really challenging day. I had therapy in the morning. It was stressful. We talked about things that were hard to talk about. She is good at keeping me on point rather than going off on a tangent. I told her I would work on self-care and brushing my teeth/showering. I have been bad at doing these things. I don’t like brushing my teeth but I know it has to happen. I have been showering at least once a week but sometimes I can go 10 days without a shower. I need to work on clearing my bed for the week as I have nothing scheduled the rest of the week. It would be good to change my sheets.
After therapy, I had an hour before I had to leave to get my 2nd vaccine shot. I took public transportation to the hospital and back. I was seen really quickly at the vaccine clinic. I was in and out in twenty minutes. I then went to the square and got a caramel macchiato. I had a half hour before the bus was to come so I just sat on a bench and drank it. It was peaceful at the station. Not too many people were there. I was already feeling pretty tired. I brought a Powerade bottle with me to drink so I would stay hydrated. PT was torture. She had me do one of the machine and within a minute or two, my CRPS ankle flared up. I went as slow as I could possibly go. I didn’t care. I was exhausted and just wanted my bed. Afterwards she worked on my legs to get the knots out. She accidently put too much pressure on my nerve injured thigh and I screamed in pain. She avoided the area the rest of the session. My legs felt better but I got up too quick and got dizzy. She had me drink some water and rest. I then realized I had not eaten all day. I ordered Kung Pao chicken on the way home from PT. It was so good. I really love this dish.
Today I have been tired because I was up in the middle of the night again. I woke up at 1 to pee and had trouble getting back to sleep. It could be a side effect of the vaccine as well but I am going for my long day yesterday and being up in the middle of the night as a reason why I am so exhausted today.
I don’t know if I will listen to the entire game but I am going to listen to the first couple of innings. They are facing the Braves, which has been on a hot streak. We have been on a losing streak so will be fun to see what happens. I love baseball so much. I am keeping track of games lost/won again on Twitter. Right now their record is 29-19 and we are in first place.
I got a craving for donuts so I ordered them. Now I am happy because I haven’t had donuts in more than a year since the pandemic started. I am going to try and take my night meds around 7 but it might be earlier. I am just so damn tired but if I go to bed now, I most certainly will wake up before midnight and be up all night.
Listening to Taylor Swift all day
I finally was able to get Fearless (Taylor’s version) on my phone. It took nearly a week for the amazon app to get it on my device. I am so glad I finally have this music. Right now I am listening to Evermore and then I will switch to Fearless.
I am sort of in a brain fog so I don’t think this will be long. I am still feeling so wicked tired from the Covid. I had coffee and something to eat with it. I plan on having some more of my pad Thai that I ordered yesterday. I was able to eat a quarter of it along with the appetizer I bought with it. I don’t have an appetite today so I don’t know if I will eat.
I am so fricken cold. It is 67 degrees in my room and 50 outside. The wind is making everything colder. I wanted to go out but I keep on getting cold sweats. I think I am over the worst of it but this fatigue is really bad. I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds but only one is ready and I rather have two than one. I contacted my doctor because I think who ever handles it thought, again, that I was requesting the same medication twice. I wish they would spell out the damn abbreviations so it would be easier to know one is immediate release and the other is extended release. Drives me crazy that I have to go through this every couple of months.
Sox are on fire, though they are down by two runs right now. I am not listening to the game like I should. I just don’t have the brain power to listen. I am feeling lightheaded. My blood pressure is low so I am dehydrated. I just got some soup from my sister so I can increase my fluids. I really been craving Lipton soup but we don’t have any. I put it on my grocery list. It is the only soup I like when I am sick. I just pulled a hoodie on because I am freezing. No fever though.
Sox win game 3
Another nail biter. My favorite (okay one of my favorites) hit a grand salami that sent Houston fans to the exits. Sox won 8-2. A grand salami is a grand slam which is when the bases are loaded and the batter hits a home run scoring 4 runs (those on the bases and himself). I love this game. It was hit by Jackie Bradley Jr. who has struggled at bat more times than I can count but has come up big when he is hot, and he has been. I always say “take that haters” because a lot of fans and others didn’t want him on the team, especially when they were looking for good hitters but he is an invaluable center fielder and saved more runs than anyone I know. He is an all around good guy and I hate the hate people give him because he isn’t a power hitter.
My foot has been hurting me throughout the game. I went out today. I gave my barbers some of the pumpkin cake I made. Then I did some shopping. I meant to buy burgers but forgot! I also forgot my food stamp card so I had to pay for my food. UGH I didn’t want to do that. I bought most of the ingredients I needed for at least two recipes. Now I just need time to make it, which most likely will be Saturday. I also will be placing my grocery order Friday. I knocked some stuff off as it was approaching almost $200. I went nuts buying stuff. I hate being on my phone when I can’t sleep because I go mad on the shopping carts. But I don’t buy them. They just stay in the cart until I have a clearer head. Not so much with Amazon. I bought two albums last night. I think it was two. No it was one album and a book by Neil Gaiman. I almost went nuts with books by Neil but I restrained myself. I don’t know how, but I did. I still want to buy David Nail’s new album. I might buy that tonight to listen to. Last night I bought Tim and Faith’s album. I can’t believe it came out but there was nothing about it coming out. UGH. I follow Tim and Faith on social media but it might be that there wasn’t a big review on it or something and it got buried with all the shit the Orange buffoon does. I muted a lot of political shit I was following because it was just stressing me out. I tweeted to vote blue and some guy asked why. I wanted to ask him has he been awake the last 18 months or so? Like seriously. UGH people are trolls. If he was not from the states I can understand but most that ask stupid questions often are trolls and I’ve learned, as hard as it is, not to respond. They go away and you don’t ever hear from them again.
I put ice on my right foot because it was bothering me. I accidently put it up against my left to hold the pack there and when I realized that wasn’t smart, I put a shirt in between my feet. UGH. I got my new therapist appointment tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I hope it isn’t for nothing but when I think of the hassle of getting there weekly, I kind of hope that it doesn’t work out. If he is a good guy and he is willing to help me with real shit not just listening to me, then I can deal and it will be worth the hassle. If it does, I’ve decided to just email my therapist I see now and end things. I don’t think he will care either way. I missed three appointments with him and he hasn’t asked why or how I am doing or anything so fuck him for me coming in and saying we are done. No point in paying him for another session.
I have shot 2 tomorrow. I might write two posts tomorrow. One will be about my transition and the other just my general daily post. I might combine them. I don’t know yet. Maybe not as I want to write about how the appointment with the therapist went and the transition one. I have everything set for tomorrow. I know there is enough for three shots but probably not 4. I got to get one of the biohazard things for the needles. They sell them at Walgreens for like $7.50. I have no idea the cost to send them to dispose of them.
I haven’t seen my roommate. I think I am going to get the stuff on Amazon as I don’t think Walgreens sells the stuff I need. I will get the peanut butter from the grocery store. They love peanut butter. Damn rascals ate my powerbars that had peanut butter in it the last time we had mice. I know he is still in my room because I hear him. Things are moving and rustling.
I got a text from my mail order prescription. I sent them an email saying I didn’t get one of my blood pressure pills. I looked every where for it and couldn’t find it. I sent the damn thing and then fucking found the bottle under some bags on my bed. Fucker. So they are sending me more pills. Lovely. I am stocked for 180 days. Whoohoo. Ugh. I tried to stop it but it has already been shipped out. That will save me when I have to pay for my meds again in January. I am glad I called because the number I had was wrong. It was some federal number. Weird. My insurance is going to go up next year. I have no idea how much. Last year it was $26. But I need it for my prescriptions and dental. I need to make an appointment for my dentist. One tooth is bothering me. I am sure it is the one that the dentist didn’t want to drill. He just gave me a toothpaste to use at night but he doesn’t understand chronic pain life. He is lucky I brush my teeth once a day. It is very rare I brush twice a day. But I take my meds with Powerade so I don’t gag. I can’t take it with water. I have tried. The pills melt faster and if I can’t swallow in one go, forget it. I am throwing them up. So Powerade it is. I know it probably isn’t the best choice but it works for me. Also water in the morning makes me sick. I can have it any other time of day but cannot take it until after I have woken up and eaten or drank something like coffee. I bought two things of coffee today. Pike and Guatemala. I haven’t tried the Guatemala one so no idea if I will like it. It is medium roast, which is what I like. I will try it Thursday.
28 Aug 18
My cell phone provider has been calling me all week. I finally answered the phone and they wanted me to upgrade. I told them to take me off their list as I will upgrade when I want not when you tell me to! Idiots.
I had PT today. My leg cramped up because of being weak. Then we worked on my thigh. We basically just massaged it with lotion, which I didn’t use last night when it was hurting the fuck out of me. It was hurting me today but walking around made it feel better so I didn’t care. I have no idea if massage is the only treatment for it or not. I wasn’t clear on what else can be done for it. She explained why it was hurting but it was kind of over my head. Something about the muscle being in a short position when I am on the computer or just resting in my bed. Doesn’t help with getting rid of the pain!! I still have to wear the stupid fucking air cast. I hate that thing. My AFO I had to remove on the way home. It just got really hot and my foot was burning so damn bad. I changed to my new sneakers and not sure if the plastic is getting hot from the heat or what. I got to call the brace clinic to find out what to do as this is not good. I would love to go without but am afraid that if my ankle goes out on me, I will be dragging my foot and that will be worse. My PT wants me to carry the cane with me just to have some support. I told her about how yesterday people were just stupid! I wanted to carry it just to hit people on the head. But she said just carry it in the bag. UGH ok. I need a bigger bag for all the things I need to carry. My messenger bag that I paid good money for is small for my needs. I am on the fence to go back to a backpack.
It was really hot today. I wanted to shower when I got home but lost the energy for it. I am too tired. I will tomorrow. I canceled therapy. My therapist sent me an email for that and for Monday as it is a holiday. I won’t see him until next week. By then things should be settling down some. I still have to work out the 2nd week in Sept as I have a lot of stuff going on. I might cancel that Wed so I have a rest day. I can’t do anything about seeing my PCP that Thursday as it will be a bitch to reschedule. Then wedding and concert. Yay! Not. I am still nervous about it.
My PT was telling me that she wasn’t surprised I flare every Monday as I am going through emotional stuff in therapy and then getting there and home takes a lot of energy. CRPS is a nervous system thing and so is the emotional stuff. So what ever I can do on the downtime on the ride home will help me. I usually listen to music but I can’t deal with the idiots that get in my way or the bumpy bus ride.
Tonight I am going to try and not pay attention to the game. They are playing the Marlins, interleague. I don’t like interleague games. I think it is stupid. But whatever. I don’t have a say in the schedule. The September schedule looks to be a bitch as we play tough teams, except the Mets but even easy teams we seem to lose so I can’t count them as an automatic win. We still are six games ahead of the snakes, who lost yesterday so that helped. Our last three games of the season is with NY. I have a feeling it is going to be a division thing but we’ll see. Just nerve racking but I am not going to think about it tonight. I am just going to listen to country music and maybe read Poe Shadow. Hope my pain doesn’t get worse. I usually know by 2100 if it will and it is not close to that time yet. Hate my life so much.