Saturday Blog 12122020
I’ve had a rough day. I can’t seem to get going. I woke up with hunger, which is unusual so I had some ramen noodles as that was what I was wanting. I got the download link to One Night Lonely with Mary Chapin Carpenter but I haven’t been able to download it to my phone so that my MP3 recognizes it. It is stuck in dropbox app and I don’t remember how to “free” the songs. I have to google it I guess.
I had partial yesterday and a meeting with the therapist which felt good to talk to him. He validated a lot of what I was going through and is willing to have a reduced schedule for me because of my pain. I will go three days a week and go to 3 groups. I haven’t decided if I will do that. I am going to give it one more full day to see how I do. It is tiring even though it is on virtual. I can’t say I am learning a lot because it is a lot of old stuff through the years being brought up once again, with the distress tolerance and wise mind and mindfulness. All DBT stuff I have learned before.
The therapist and I talked about how I was really feeling and I honestly told him how I felt. It felt good to finally tell someone that pain is again causing me to be so miserable. It was good telling someone that this might not work for me because of pain and he understood this to be a barrier in treatment.
I did have a good session with my therapist Thursday afternoon. She thinks trauma is the reason I get suicidal and depressed because I am not dealing with it. I thought about what she said and it made sense. I told her let’s work on it then but she thinks I don’t have the coping skills to deal with it right now. We are going to give a few weeks of partial a shot and then go from there. She is on vacation in a couple of weeks so it might not be until the new year that we work on this. I have no idea what it entails. I am tempted to read my “trauma and recovery” book that I got in college but I don’t know where it is right now. I think it is in the basement with my other books from my office. I just tried to find the book but it isn’t there so I don’t know where it is. I will just order another copy.
Trauma has been something I have stayed away with in therapy for a long time. It was something I never thought I needed to go through. Seems like now I got to face it and I am not sure I can do it. I just hope my therapist doesn’t refer me to a trauma specialist because I won’t go through with it. I don’t want to see two therapists for basically the same problem.
I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s folklore again. I want to get the new album but I have to deposit money in my account. I will probably do that tomorrow. My favorite song on this album is exile. It is a duet and it is so good. I have it on repeat right now.