Sunday Blog 06092020

Sunday Blog 06092020

I am post op day 10. I had surgery to remove and repair a csf leak. I thought it would be safe to shower and I was careful not to have my back on the water for too long as I still have stitches. I felt so much better after I washed up. I shaved and took a chunk of skin off my cheek. I don’t know how it happened. The razor wasn’t my friend. I got three nicks. Sucks. I had to use the nick stick twice for the nick I took skin off. Damn thing wouldn’t stop bleeding.

After I showered, I made coffee and then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I came back home knackered. I am just so tired. Today was the first time I left the house since coming back home from the hospital. I did okay but it still is tiring to go up my street. Those five houses from the corner to my house is so damn tough to walk up that hill. I get winded. But then I get winded when I go up the stairs, too. I am not in too much pain today other than a headache that just started to get worse. I took some Tylenol when it first started. I might take some ibuprofen.

I got Tim McGraw’s new album and have been listening to it. It is pretty good. There isn’t any duets with his wife on this album. Sucks. I love their duets.

I weighed myself for the first time in a month. I lost three pounds. I haven’t been eating so great since coming home from the hospital. I haven’t had much of an appetite. Depression has been bad the past few weeks. I was OK a few days after surgery but then the anesthesia wore off and my mood plummeted. It has been low since. I have been resting because my back needs it. I am so tired of having nothing to do. I got a few appointments this week. I get my stitches out and see my therapist. I don’t know if seeing her the same day is going to be good but we’ll see. I also see my psychopharm this week. She finally agreed to put me on citalopram. I started that on Friday. It is going to take a few weeks to work. I think it will work better than sertraline as I don’t recall it giving me stomach problems in the past. I am hoping for the same this time around. I only stopped it way back when due to it being ineffective after years of taking it.

Day 8 Post Op

Day 8 Post OP

I am still feeling sluggish and my back keeps cramping up on me. I am just going to take it easy today. I thought I would have my stitches out but the secretary called and said it was too soon. I will have it out next week. I don’t know if my surgeon will do it or the NP that works for the office. I will be glad to have them out so I can shower again. I was looking forward to it this afternoon but now I got to wait till next week. I got to wash my hair as it is grimy. I am glad it is short so it doesn’t feel dirty as fast. Also doesn’t smell. I will try and wash my hair later this afternoon. Back is hurting me too much right now after I brushed my teeth. I hate that I have a limited number of spoons a day to do things.

I want to get a new electric razor, a different style than the one I have. I found one that is wet/dry but it is $80. I can’t afford that right now so I will get it next month. I might have to budget for two months. Depends on how my finances go when I get paid next.

Most of the day I’ve been in a gender dysphoric mood. I kept thinking about if only one of my doctors or therapists had asked me about how I felt about being female if things would have changed. I dressed as a male all the time so I don’t understand why they didn’t ask. I remember when I got diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and had to go on the pill to treat it. I was terrified of what the hormone was going to do to me. I remember asking the psychiatrist and she laughed at me like it was the funniest thing ever. I hated taking such a female thing. I was highly suicidal at the time. Having this diagnosis only made me want to kill myself more. What is really getting me dysphoric today as well is that during surgery, my breast was positioned improperly so was bruised. Every movement I make with my arm, my boob hurts. Pain is driving me crazy because there is nothing I can do about it. I have always wondered if things would have been different had someone asked me about being female. I have always thought I am a male but the incongruency comes with my body being different than how I think and feel.

Back has been smarting all day. It has been spasming most of the day which has caused me severe pain in my lower back. I am taking a muscle relaxer every eight hours as they had prescribed me this while in the hospital. I am prescribed this at home as well so I didn’t have to go to the pharmacy for any of my meds. I told them I didn’t want them prescribing my pain medication because last time they screwed up the timing. I no longer get both medications at the same time, which sucks.

shitty day for therapy

Shitty day for therapy

I had PT this morning. I also had a psychotherapy webinar but it was an hour and a half and that would cut into my PT time so I didn’t go to it. I had PT and my PT gave me a new scale called the Yucko meter. It ranges from 1-10 and you base it on how yucky you feel. I was a 4 by the end of session and had to lay down but I had therapy so I couldn’t. My therapist decided to reschedule the time because I felt shitty about 15 minutes into session. I liked that she cared enough to reschedule because I was feeling so crappy but at the same time I felt terrible that it had to happen. I rescheduled for Thurs. I have PT that day but the time for therapy is a few hours later so I can rest. I do have to have 400 steps every day in between sessions. I got more than half that right now.

I goofed with my pain meds. I was supposed to call in a refill for my pain meds last week but I totally forgot and now I don’t have meds. I put the request in last night so I should hear back sometime today. It is raining heavily right now and supposed to be storms all afternoon. I feel it in my ankle so I won’t get my prescription today if it gets called in. I will pick it up tomorrow. It is supposed to be hot and muggy all week. I hate it already. Least the rain is cooling things off a little bit right now. I have been running my AC all weekend. I will have to give it a break soon so it doesn’t frost up.

Tomorrow morning I see my neurologist via virtual visit. Then I have my psychopharm visit. I have to tell my psychopharm that I stopped taking the duloxetine because of stomach upset. The reflux was too much for me to handle. It was especially bad at night. I haven’t been eating much the past few days because I have no appetite. Yesterday I just had Ensure and a bowl of cereal. Today I ate a little better. I had a piece of chicken cutlet and some French toast. I got the hungry horrors today probably because I had gaba last night. My ankle pain was out of control last night. It took all that I had to control it. In the end I took Benadryl to sleep as it was after midnight.

I layed down after therapy was over. I didn’t sleep, I just laid there listening to classical music. I still feel shitty. My head feels so fuzzy. I am definitely a 7 on the yucko meter. I should be laying down and resting but I don’t feel like it. I am so aggravated that this is beyond my control and that I have to literally do nothing but rest in order to feel better. I wanted to get my haircut this week but that doesn’t seem likely. I have too many appointments this week. I wanted to go Wed but I don’t think I can because I have testing done in the morning. Urology finally called me and set up urodynamic testing. I have that Wed morning. I am back to being busy with doctor appointments. My psych wants a zoom meeting but she hasn’t responded yet with a time and date. I half want to message her and say can it be next week as I am so booked up. I am tired just looking at my schedule. I don’t have to leave the house for any of the appointments but still, the mental energy I have to put in them is tiring.

I was able to brush my teeth today. I used my electric toothbrush, which dropped toothpaste on my shirt. I had to change shirts. I still need to wash my face. I am mustering up the energy for that. My back has already started to act up on me. I don’t know if I can stand that long to wash. I got a huge headache still so I really don’t think it is going to happen. Maybe this evening.

I got to lay down again so I will stop here. I wish I didn’t feel so shitty.

appt with neurosurgeon

Appointment with neurosurgeon

I took a shower today because I wanted to get the loose hairs from my haircut out of my head. I also didn’t want to stink. It was hard because I was exhausted and the whole process of showering made me more tired. I couldn’t nap though so I just rested in bed before I had to leave for my appointment.

I was thrilled my surgeon said I didn’t have to have another surgery for the fluid. He is going to keep an eye on me and my white count. I was to have bloods done today but the lab was closed so I will have to go tomorrow or Friday. Depends on what my energy levels are tomorrow. I am still exhausted so I hope that I can sleep well tonight. I am to contact him should something else arises. I am cleared for PT so I will be making my Ride appointment tomorrow for the appointments that I have. I am so glad I can start PT again. I am so deconditioned and even he said that I would be as I haven’t done much since surgery. This complication has wrecked my recovery.

Right now I am really tired and want to go to sleep but it is too early. I go to bed now I will wake up around midnight and then be up for a few hours, totally throwing off my sleep more than it already is. I will wait till my meds kick in some and I am totally brain dead. I also got to keep an eye on my bladder as it hasn’t been functioning the way I would like it lately. I am back to voiding on my own but I don’t know how long that will last. I haven’t felt like I have an empty bladder when I do void so I probably will need to cath before going to bed. Back is killing me so when I am finished blogging I am going to lay down and just read for a bit. I haven’t read since Friday. I wanted to finished the Linehan book this weekend but my brain had other plans (do nothing apparently!) I want to start the Dante Club by Matthew Pearl. It seems like a good book to read. I have read his other books and like his style of writing.

I goofed on my Powerade order. I accidently ordered the “zero” kind of white cherry. It has sucralose in it which I do not like. It is drinkable but I rather have sugar in my drinks rather than the fake kind. I have to be careful when I order more next time. I had dinner and it was a good piece of steak that I ate. Why am I still hungry?? I might make a burger.

All day my left leg has been hurting me. The only time it didn’t hurt was when I was meeting with the surgeon. Damn thing. I don’t know why it is angry today. But my back is killing me as well. I hate that I am in so much pain. Hope that my night meds help ease some of the discomfort. Surprisingly, my CRPS ankle/foot has been behaving. That is the weirdest thing that has been going on the past few weeks. I don’t know if it is because something else is going on with me or what but I will take the pain free days. Just hope I haven’t spoken too soon. That will suck.