Busy Tuesday 25082020

Busy Tuesday 25082020

I’ve had a busy day and it’s not completely over yet. I went to get tested for Covid. That was horrendous. I hated it but I did okay. I was in and out which was good. I caught the bus back to the Square. My barber didn’t have any openings so I went home to get something to drink and cool off a bit as well as charge my phone. After about twenty minutes I left the house again to go back to the Square to get my haircut. I wanted to go to the grocery store but my back is still spasming up a storm. There was no way I could walk around the store without pain so I ditched the plans and just came home after my haircut.

I am home now and am packing my bag for the hospital. I still got to throw some sheets in the wash. I also need to shave and shower. I got to wash my hair. Right now I am so exhausted I just want to pull the covers over me and try and nap. I haven’t decided if I am going to take my electric razor with me. If I shave today or tomorrow, I will take it with me so I can prevent a beard from growing. With this heat, I am not liking facial hair.

I didn’t wear my AFO again today. I thought I would be okay but my stupid ankle is acting up right now. Fuck. Feels like someone is trying to cut it in half. I took a BT med because what else am I going to do? I took a risk by not wearing it and now I am paying the price. I don’t know why I do this. I guess I want to test to see how far I can walk before pain hits me. I know I am fine with short distances. But longer distances like today was too much.

I don’t think I will be washing my sheets today. I am being hit with a deep wave of exhaustion and I think I will have just enough energy for a shave and shower, provided my back doesn’t continue to act up. I took preventative Zanaflex so in an hour from now I should be able to shower without issues, I hope so anyways. I still need to get my bag together. I am going to be taking my catheters with me so that if I have to use them, I will cath myself rather than a nurse. I really hope that if I do have to cath it is because of the medication they are giving me caused retention to worsen. My biggest worry is the constipation that will happen. I was loaded with a lot of stuff to go last time and it took like three days for me to finally have a movement. I am hoping to have a semi decent movement before surgery so I don’t have to be so full. But I don’t know what makes me go and what doesn’t. I can’t take senna the night before so I will have to take the senna tonight and then hope tomorrow I go decently.

I am glad my therapist is so straightforward with me. I know that I have a serious severe mental illness but in the back of my mind, I didn’t want to admit it. Hearing her tell it out loud made me realize that it is true. I am struggling with this so much. And there isn’t many meds I can be on because of stomach upset. I might go on celexa again. It was the only drug that I was on for a few years before it became ineffective. I don’t know what the new psychiatrist is going to be like. I feel sad that it isn’t going to be my psych. I wonder if s/he will be aggressive in treating my illness like the NP is. I am meeting with her (NP) tomorrow to discuss my options. I don’t know if I want to start something right before my surgery. I think I will when I am home from it all. I think it will be best to start something when I am not on so many meds from surgery. I still don’t know when I will restart therapy. I am thinking of giving myself a break and going back when I feel like it, like three weeks from now or something like that. I am sure she won’t even know that I am gone that long.

I don’t know why anxiety is crushing me right now. There have been moments in the past hour where I feel I can’t breathe. I literally have to tell myself to take a deep breath and do this a few times to calm down and feel like I am breathing again. It’s driving me crazy having these episodes. I know tomorrow is going to be worse with them because it will be one day before surgery. I half thought of killing myself before surgery just so I don’t have to go through with it. It was only a half thought but still, got me thinking. I won’t do it as much as I really want to escape from this. I just want to say that I am fine and go on with my life but I know that I will still feel like shit until the fluid collection get small enough to not bother me anymore which at this rate might be more than a year from now. It is my choice whether to keep things as they are (crummy) or to try and make things better. I hope I am making the right choice. I will find out this time Thursday evening or so.

shitty day for therapy

Shitty day for therapy

I had PT this morning. I also had a psychotherapy webinar but it was an hour and a half and that would cut into my PT time so I didn’t go to it. I had PT and my PT gave me a new scale called the Yucko meter. It ranges from 1-10 and you base it on how yucky you feel. I was a 4 by the end of session and had to lay down but I had therapy so I couldn’t. My therapist decided to reschedule the time because I felt shitty about 15 minutes into session. I liked that she cared enough to reschedule because I was feeling so crappy but at the same time I felt terrible that it had to happen. I rescheduled for Thurs. I have PT that day but the time for therapy is a few hours later so I can rest. I do have to have 400 steps every day in between sessions. I got more than half that right now.

I goofed with my pain meds. I was supposed to call in a refill for my pain meds last week but I totally forgot and now I don’t have meds. I put the request in last night so I should hear back sometime today. It is raining heavily right now and supposed to be storms all afternoon. I feel it in my ankle so I won’t get my prescription today if it gets called in. I will pick it up tomorrow. It is supposed to be hot and muggy all week. I hate it already. Least the rain is cooling things off a little bit right now. I have been running my AC all weekend. I will have to give it a break soon so it doesn’t frost up.

Tomorrow morning I see my neurologist via virtual visit. Then I have my psychopharm visit. I have to tell my psychopharm that I stopped taking the duloxetine because of stomach upset. The reflux was too much for me to handle. It was especially bad at night. I haven’t been eating much the past few days because I have no appetite. Yesterday I just had Ensure and a bowl of cereal. Today I ate a little better. I had a piece of chicken cutlet and some French toast. I got the hungry horrors today probably because I had gaba last night. My ankle pain was out of control last night. It took all that I had to control it. In the end I took Benadryl to sleep as it was after midnight.

I layed down after therapy was over. I didn’t sleep, I just laid there listening to classical music. I still feel shitty. My head feels so fuzzy. I am definitely a 7 on the yucko meter. I should be laying down and resting but I don’t feel like it. I am so aggravated that this is beyond my control and that I have to literally do nothing but rest in order to feel better. I wanted to get my haircut this week but that doesn’t seem likely. I have too many appointments this week. I wanted to go Wed but I don’t think I can because I have testing done in the morning. Urology finally called me and set up urodynamic testing. I have that Wed morning. I am back to being busy with doctor appointments. My psych wants a zoom meeting but she hasn’t responded yet with a time and date. I half want to message her and say can it be next week as I am so booked up. I am tired just looking at my schedule. I don’t have to leave the house for any of the appointments but still, the mental energy I have to put in them is tiring.

I was able to brush my teeth today. I used my electric toothbrush, which dropped toothpaste on my shirt. I had to change shirts. I still need to wash my face. I am mustering up the energy for that. My back has already started to act up on me. I don’t know if I can stand that long to wash. I got a huge headache still so I really don’t think it is going to happen. Maybe this evening.

I got to lay down again so I will stop here. I wish I didn’t feel so shitty.