Friday Thoughts 11092020

Friday thoughts 11092020

I’ve been in a tired mood for most of the day. I don’t want to do anything. My sister made mac and cheese and that has been all that I have eaten today. She is making some apple dessert so I can’t wait to try that.

I met with my psych. She said that I look better than I did the last time she saw me. I do feel better but I am just tired. It was good seeing her. She wasn’t so worried now that I am better. She knows the psychiatrist I will see next week. I am glad she approves. I was worried she wasn’t. She said that the guy is a good guy and I will like him. I hope so.

There are like twenty or so games left in the baseball season. Sox have won one game in their last five and are losing tonight. I didn’t think it would happen because there are only left handed hitters on the Rays lineup but doesn’t matter. They are losing by four runs in the 5th. I talked to my therapist about them yesterday and she said she has stopped following them. I can’t. I try but I just can’t do it. I have to know the results of the game. It is what keeps me going.

Yesterday’s therapy session was hard. I talked about my abuse my cousin did to me because I was flooded with memories the past few days. I have felt disgusted by the memories and more. We also talked about my cousin dying so young. We did talk about the anniversary of my last psych hospitalization. It was a year ago. I told her last year was the worst year I ever had. It took more than a year for me to recover and I don’t think I am fully recovered from it. I am still severely depressed but not as suicidal like I was. I still find it odd that I am still alive. I had such conviction to end my life last year. I honestly have no idea how I am still around. My therapist has been keeping track of the time we have worked together. I find this kind of odd because most therapists don’t do this.

I’ve been in a lot of ankle pain today. The barometric pressure is over 30 and the temps are 20 degrees cooler. Pain has gone through me like an ice pick. I haven’t hurt this much in a long time. I can hardly find a comfy spot for my ankle and foot. Seems it is ok for a little while and then pain shoots up again. I’ve tried to be careful with it when I get up to get something but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I took some gaba to try and stop the pain. I am not sure if I will have to use something else too or not. I just took some Zanaflex. That will at least make me sleepy enough so I can try and get some sleep, though if this level of pain doesn’t go down, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It is always so hard to know when you can sleep and when you can’t. I wish I could take more BT meds but I am already at my max for the day. I haven’t been great at ignoring pain today because it has been so high. I hate when pain levels are this high. It is just a gnawing kind of pain that refuses to go away. It makes it so hard to concentrate and think. Going to take some more gaba and hope for the best.

Taco Tuesday

Taco Tuesday

I really didn’t eat that much today other than having a pop tart with my second cup of coffee. I wanted tacos so I ordered some. They were just the thing to kill the hunger. My belly is happy. I have been fighting sleep the past three hours. I thought I would blog before I laid down to slumber. I went to the pharmacy today without taking my muscle relaxers. OMG I nearly died while I was in the store. I had to sit down for a bit after I was called four customers later. I wondered how I was going to get home but I made it. I had to pull the mask off when I was three houses away. I couldn’t catch my breath going up the hill. I felt like I was going to fall over at any second. I was cursing myself going out because every time I go out when I am tired this happens. Now I am exhausted. I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face. I really need to wash my face because of the cut I gave myself shaving needs cleaning so I can put Neosporin on it. I hate that I can’t shave right now because the cut is a little deep and I don’t want to reopen it accidently.

I had my appointment with my psychopharm NP. She had nose surgery so her face was all banged up. I felt bad for her. We talked about my cousin who passed away last week. She said I should write about it. There really isn’t much to write about. She died from unknown causes at this time. We will know more once the autopsy is done. I think she had a cardiac arrest. It is sad because she is the first female in my family to die suddenly. And so young; she was only 50. I will miss her. I hope she is in peace now where ever she may be.

I have one more appointment with her and it will be our last as I will be seeing a new psychiatrist next week. I hope I get along with him. I don’t like that I have to see someone new in such a short time period. I started seeing this NP last Oct and it hasn’t been a year yet and she is leaving me. I really liked her. She was good. I liked seeing her. Now I got to start over with someone new. I miss my psych so much and wish I could see her again. She said I am in good hands where I am now. I hope that she is right.

I am so exhausted I don’t think I am going to be up for the second Sox game tonight. I wanted to listen to it but I am just too tired I can’t keep my eyes open. They are playing a double header today and lost their first game. Fucking Barnes blew the save. I really despise this pitcher. He always seems to lose games. My favorite player was put on the 45 day IL list today. He won’t be back this season. Just as well.

karma returned?

Karma returned?

Yesterday, I helped two strangers. On the way home from the hospital where I had my appointments, I noticed I lost my ring. I had no idea where it could have been. Last time I felt it was when I was washing my hands and a part of me wondered if I accidently threw it away with the paper towels I was using as I was adjusting it on my finger. That was the last time I remember seeing it. I should have put it on my other hand where it wasn’t so loose but I didn’t so I thought I lost it. Today I called up police and security of the hospital to check to see if someone turned it in. Someone had. I took the next bus to the station and went to the hosp. While there, I decided to go to the lab and see my friends. It was good to see them. I miss working there. I even had a dream that I had to FedEx a sample to get results by 5 the next day. Weird. I think the lab will always be a part of me, even if they get my name and gender wrong. Some of my friends who follow me on social media know I am transitioning. I wasn’t out to all of the people in the lab so I just had to take it.

I had a good session with my therapist yesterday. I had written her a letter which she said I started off strong and then went off on a tangent. I don’t remember what I wrote so it is possible. I am finding transference with her gets easier as time goes on. She kept my letter and the papers I printed out which were the SSF part A. I told her we can use them and they can be our talking point. It will help focus things. Least that is what I hope will happen. Just hope she doesn’t sort of hold me to it every meeting. My psychopharm is. She pulls out the sheets every meeting. She asks about my suicidality. She has been asking since I told her to. My therapist has too. She wanted to know more details about it but I didn’t want to talk about it. I told her it would be a few months before I was ready to act on my thoughts, though I didn’t say it in those words. I am still not sure I will tell her I was going to kill myself.

I told my psychopharm that if I don’t feel better by Monday, I will consider going inpatient for a while. I really hope I don’t end up back south east of Boston again. That place was terrible. I would really hate having to use catheters there. I would rather have a foley put in so I won’t have to worry about it. I get my order of supplies tomorrow. I plan on packing a bag in addition to trying to clear the alcove space that needs to happen. I hope this bag that I have been trying to find is there and not in the other alcove.

random psych shit and things

Random psych shit and things

I had three hours sleep last night. I didn’t go to bed till 0730, woke up at 0930 and then again at 1030. I had to really get up at that hour because I had to be out of the house by the latest 1105 to catch the bus. Course I go downstairs, hoping to shave and my mother is in the bathroom wanting to wash up. Figures. I tell her I need to wash up and she says she will do so fast. She is never “fast.” I waited for her to get out. By that time it was around 1045 and I just brushed my teeth and got the eye crud out of my eyes by washing them. I couldn’t be bothered with the rest of my face. It would have to wait.

I had time to fiddle after using the bathroom, but not much. I got my clothes on before sitting on my bed. I tried to find a belt I could use for the pair of shorts I found in my drawer. They are a size 38, which after all the weight loss, I fit into again. I didn’t need to buy another pair of shorts as the size 42 is way too big on me. Not eating is not how I wanted to lose the weight but it happened so there isn’t much I can do except to keep it off, which I have and knew I would. I might have gained and lost the same three pounds the past few weeks but then I will drop 8 lbs the following week so I guess it evens out eventually.

I went to Starbucks and had my espresso. I had a new barista. I asked him for soy and all the baristas that I ever had have given me the container or a quart of it. This one pours a tall cup and hands it to me. WTF. I don’t care, I just want my fucking espresso. He was cheap with the ice so I just said fuck it. He looked to be a smartass anyway and I wasn’t in the mood to argue. I totally got my time messed up because around noon, I left for the station. It wasn’t until I was halfway to where I needed to be, I realized my appointment was at 1345. I was more than an hour early. Goddamn it. I went to the lobby of the building and just wrote in my journal. Then I washed out my reuseable cup and went upstairs. The therapist took me early. I was beyond tired by that point and wasn’t too chatty though I did try to have a conversation. The therapist kept on looking at her computer screen and then looked at me so fast I thought she was going to get whiplash. No idea what she was looking at. Somehow she asked me if I was in crisis or something and I said I don’t know, not right now. Could change in 24 hours, which it could. She said that wasn’t reassuring. Then she said “we need to monitor how you are and such.” I am thinking ok. Next thing I know she is telling me she is off next week and she will see me in two weeks. WTF seriously?? She didn’t offer a safety plan or who I was to call if I needed to talk to someone while she was away, nothing! I got pissed off. Because she took me early meant I would be home on time for my psych to call me.

I had just missed the bus when I got back to the Square. I had to wait a half hour for the next one. I just listened to my music. I tried to read Twitter but my eyes couldn’t focus and it was really difficult as the sunglasses I was wearing weren’t prescription. I have either thrown them out or they are somewhere hidden in my room. I won’t know until I try to find something else. Like today I was trying to find the key to my cash box and found my class ring instead. I thought I had lost it for good while I was working in the lab. I could have sworn it was in my lab coat that got thrown away. I am glad I was wrong. That made my day until my psych called me. We talked and then she said she had a question for me, would I be okay to see a psychiatrist they had assigned me. That psychiatrist contacted her and wanted her input before they contacted me. I then asked her ok until she sets up shop somewhere and when that would be. She said sometime in the fall. She then asked if I was okay with meds. I said I have one refill left on all of them so would be set for the next month, month and a half. And if I couldn’t see the guy, I would call her. I told her about the dissociation part of Monday/Tuesday night where I somehow scratched my wrist. There were a few marks. I have no idea what time it was, what it was with, or why I did it. I don’t even remember doing it. She said if it happened again to call her right away. My immediate thought was that could be a while as it took me all day to realize this when I emailed her around 2200 Tuesday night while waiting for the last survey for the study I am in to come through. I was going to sleep afterwards and I did until like 9 or 10 am. My psych said she would call me either tomorrow or Monday to let me know what the new guy said and what his availability is.

After the phone call, my heart dropped. I was completely hurting and heartbroken and angry. I almost had a meltdown but somehow prevented me from uncontrollable sobbing. Fall seems like forever right now even though, technically, it is only a few months away. She didn’t tell me where she would be. I didn’t ask. I was too stunned to know I was actually going to see a new psychiatrist after twenty-six years, least for a little while. She still wants me to keep her posted and stuff. I don’t think that will ever change. I’ve always have, even when she was away on vacation or out of the office or on medical leave. This week has been a blur and today just sucked totally. Once I knew I wasn’t going to fall apart, I made myself a cheeseburger, which my stomach is still not happy about, even though I liked it. It was really good. After I ate, I shaved my head and face. I got rid of the mustache as it was all uneven and hairs were longer in places than others. I looked in the mirror afterwards and I looked like I was 12. I sent the pic to my psych saying I was indeed 12, LOL. My face has slimmed up and with the facial hair gone, you can really see it. Losing around 25 pounds helps. I still can’t believe I lost that much weight in such a short period. My waist shows it though. I am not 100% sure it is the T giving me the loss of weight or the loss of appetite/not eating due to pain, or the combo. We may never know. All I hear is that people gain weight with T. I might be the exception.

Now I just wait for a stranger to call me or his secretary to schedule an appointment. Not sure if my psych is still wanting to keep tabs on me now or if she just wants me to keep her posted on things. I guess I will find out when she calls me.