2019May20

I woke up around 545 to a patient screaming at someone while she was on the phone. I tried going back to sleep but the pt kept having a meltdown right outside my room. I don’t know many times I heard her tell the same story while she was weeping. I felt bad but fuck, why is outside my room a place for breakdowns and phone calls? Checks person said I had to have vitals and meds around 820. My social worker wanted to meet. I used the bathroom then grabbed the stuff I did over the weekend to show her. I just wanted to get back to bed.

Nothing happened while meeting the social worker. We went over how suicidal I was over the weekend and she wants me to fill out a safety plan. Ugh. So I gave her the name of the one I use, thinking she wouldn’t do it. She did. Printed it out for me. I don’t see the fucking point as while I am here, it is not ideal. I have people around me 24/7 I can talk to if I need to. I don’t have a therapist so it would be better to use it when I am outpatient. So that was that. See ya tomorrow.

Then I meet with the doc. It is really hot on the unit as the heat is still on and it’s like 80 degrees out with high humidity. I felt really gross. Doc talked about my weekend. Then said my psych wanted to see if we could have a family meeting. I said probably not as my mother is hard of hearing and I doubt my sisters would be interested. I asked him if we could go up on the lamictal as my blood levels were barely therapeutic. So tonight will be at 100 mg twice a day. He said another doctor will be covering as he has something going on where he will be away the rest of the week. Ok.

I showered and by 1030, my damn foot explodes. Fucking fuck. Around noon my foot swelled up like a balloon. I had lunch and then stayed in my room, catching updates of the Sox game. Sucks it was a day game, now I have nothing to distract me tonight. Maybe I can read Harry.

My check in came tot talk to me. As we were talking, I got a wicked bad wave of pain. Brought fucking tears to my eyes. I wish she was gone. I could hardly talk after that. My brain was just being bombarded.

A little after change of shift, my foot started trembling. Just what I need. A dystonic foot without my pharmacy by my side. I carefully made it to the nurse’s station where I got an ativan. Then had dinner before returning to my room. I am not leaving other than to use the bathroom and night meds. I am in such a foul mood.

My mother called me. She wanted to know why I haven’t called her. I told her I didn’t feel like talking. She asked why. Like seriously? When the fuck do I talk to her when I am home?? I got irritated and my voice must have sounded it because she then hung up on me. She is so pissing me off with this fake caring. I am not calling her tomorrow. I blocked her number so when she calls it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t need her calling me like two or more times trying to get in touch with me. I texted my sisters. I just said hi. My middle sister wanted to know if I talked to my mother and I said I did. I don’t know why she wants to know if I talked to my mother.

I have been trying to write in my journal but pain has been making it difficult. I haven’t met with my 2nd shift contact person. It is not the guy I had last night. I don’t know this person well but she is nice. Not sure what we will talk about or maybe I won’t. I don’t have to. Usually they just want to make sure you are safe and if not come find them to talk. I am staying in my room so not going to find them. I can ask the checks person to tell them to come to my room. I have a private room. Sometimes I like it and other times it sucks because if I need someone immediately, I need to wait for checks.

I haven’t done PT exercises since the 2nd and 3rd day I was here. I don’t want to put anything on my left leg. Even the sheets and blanket are annoying it. I will have to try tomorrow to do them.

I emailed my psych. I told her we might have a family meeting but I was only comfortable with her. It might just be my sisters. I really don’t want my mother attending because of her hard of hearing. My mother tends to either listen to what she wants to hear, misinterprets what is said, or not hear what is said and just nods. I can’t deal with it. I just can’t. Besides, I am sure it will be all nice in front of my doc but when I am home, there might be ramifications of me pegging them as the bad guy. I don’t know if this will happen but it is possible.

Been wanting to die all day because of the fucking pain. The heat is not helping. Hope it cools off some. I got my window open a bit. Might have it open a little more later if I feel like it. I took my second dose of the breakthrough meds after dinner so if I need any later on I am screwed. Fucking wonderful. I do have another ativan I can take that is outside my night meds. That plus melatonin and hopefully I can sleep, provided the other patients don’t use my corner as a phone booth.