Trans issues 27.7.19

I can’t wait for top surgery. Things on chest are giving me such a hard time. I feel so ugly and humiliated. This isn’t me when I see them.

Kind of worried with the CRPS on left side. That is the side my left ankle is affected. The way they described how they cut the nerve to the nipple makes me nervous. I could lose feeling but that isn’t a major concern for me. I just want the fucking things off!! The right one might be more of a problem as it is bigger. Swear I have an orange on left and a small watermelon on right. And fuckers are heavy. But it might be that I just hate them so damn much. Worst part is they have become hairy which really bothers me. Becoming a man is so hard. Makes you feel really fucked because you aren’t congruent with how you feel.

The major thing is getting these things off. I would tomorrow if I could but I am being “selfish” waiting for the damn construction of the house to start and finish. I thought it would at least be started but it hasn’t. I haven’t asked my sister for fear of another argument. Been doing small stuff in my room as it is all I can handle.

Yesterday just putting groceries away flared my back up. It really scared me as I couldn’t touch my back without it hurting. I haven’t had that bad of pain since getting cauda equina syndrome x2. I have no red flag symptoms but I didn’t last time. I lost function of my bladder today. Things with it have been messed up since the middle of May. I moved to sit up and reached for my laptop which wasn’t too far from my grasp when urine squirted out. Luckily it wasn’t too much, but freaked me out. That was how I got CES (cauda equina syndrome) the second time. I had severe back pain and then started leaking more than I usually do. The disc was a different level than the first. And according to the surgeon it was huge. He had no idea how I was still walking. Been having intrusive memories most of the night and right now as I am describing it. I’ve never really talked about how I felt about it. I knew what I had and just focused on getting better, making sure I didn’t do what I did the first time, which was basically not having a clue what to do or who to see. I didn’t go to Spaulding, which is a huge rehab hospital because I’ve dealt with their lab and just thought all the people there didn’t know what they were doing. I was wrong and I am glad I was as i got a terrific PT now for my CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome) stuff.

I hope doing all the things I’ve been doing doesn’t cause me to blow a disc that is already herniated. I have herniated discs from levels L2-S1, worse at L5-S1 and again at L2-3 where I had CES x2. My first diagnosis was at level L4-L5. I fear if I have surgery again, I might need a fusion and I’ve heard bad stories about them. No one I know has found relief from them. And the stuff I read was fusions were only to be done on the neck, not the lower vertebrae. That is why I never want to have it done. I’d rather be in pain, but if other stuff is going on like loss of bowel/bladder, weakness in lower extremity, numbness from anywhere waist down (including saddle area and sex organs), then I will consider it. But only if I have a capable surgeon one who has done them a lot of times and have had success with them. I don’t want a neurosurgeon who only does the brain or pituitary gland. The whole thing scares me.

When I was able to see my therapist again (the 16yr one), she kept on telling me I went through a trauma. I stay away from that fucking word so much. I denied it tooth and nail until I started having PTSD symptoms. To this day I cannot go near the 3rd floor of the hospital where I worked. That is where the operating rooms were. I always wanted to see them but not as a patient!

I sent my psych an email about the top surgery and how I felt about it. She will sign me off on it but I really want to have a discussion with her before she does, just to make sure I am ready and she knows I am ready. It is a huge deal and I’ve gone back and forth with it in my mind. From i am attached and what will it mean to not have them there to seeing a man’s chest and saying I want that. I want to be flat and not have these things. I tell you, when they started developing, it threw me for a fucking loop. I thought getting my menses was bad. Nope. Having things grow was not what I wanted. Then to have a mother molest you because of “concern” more than once because one was bigger than the other and sending me to see a cosmetic surgeon when I was 13, fucked with me so fucking bad. I was so embarrassed this male doctor was talking to my mother about it but it would be when I was older. I nearly wanted to fucking die on the spot. I didn’t want them to be the same, I wanted them fucking gone!! I had already started hating my mother since I was 10. This just added to it more. Makes me feel so ashamed I have them and aside from cutting them off, there is nothing else I can do. Makes me feel really depressed, like I am in this pit I can never get out of.

But none of this matters if my CRPS pain isn’t controlled better. I have a date planned to end it. I am trying so hard not to think about it as I want to see my psych again. At the same time, while the cat’s away, the mice will play keeps running through my mind.

Transition day 42

This is really day 43 but close enough.

I noticed I have lapsed on my weekly writing. Sorry about that. Not much changes. I have some voice changes, sideburns are thicker. Mustache is darker. Facial changes still coming. I am losing my feminine looks. I just need to lose 40 pounds. No idea how to do that. I like my take out, pizza, and burgers with fries. It will be hard to give those up. I also love bread and pasta, though with the low sodium levels, I really haven’t eaten yet have gained weight. I am thinking it must be muscle mass increase as my legs have been sore and lately so have my arms and upper body. I would love to go to a gym and build muscle but no clue how. I think I can do it at home, starting slow like lifting tomato cans and the like. My PT had told me about that. Better than buying weights.

I am excited about the voice changes but it is leaving me with a sore and irritated throat some days. I bought some cough drops to help. My sister gave me some sugar free ones. I like them because I don’t get a sugary feel on my teeth once it dissolves. Unfortunately the kind I bought has sugar in them. The store was out of the sugar free kind, probably because I was looking for them.

I was shaving my little stubble and got my first nic. I bought some nic sticks so i could stop the bleeding. Damn thing bled so bad i had to put a bandage on. I didn’t care as it was night time and I didn’t have to go out.

Other than thicker sideburns, I haven’t noticed elsewhere of hair growth or thickening. No more facial hair other than my moustache. I had shaved it off and man, I didn’t think it was going to grow back!

I still don’t have a lot of energy but think that is because of the blood levels of sodium being low. Sucks being tired all the time, well, more so than I usually am.

I got my flu shot last week. She did a good job. I didn’t even feel it. I was kind of sore but only if I touched it. Thank god I haven’t felt sick like I have in the past. I have been real careful to wash my hands when I come home when I go out. I really don’t want to catch anything. My friend in Texas got a nasty bug. High fevers and shit. She is feeling better now that she got some meds. I care for her a lot. She is a good support for me during my down moods. I haven’t really been in a down mood in a while. I did have some suicidal thoughts when I was in a nasty flare last weekend but it passed. I still am dealing with pain but nothing more than usual, probably because I am resting/sleeping more than usual. I made a recipe Saturday and was completely wiped out afterwards. I slept for 4.5 hours! So unlike me!

Well I guess that is all. Hopefully there are more changes in the next week or so. I had the shot yesterday so fingers crossed for more changes. Until next time…be kind

Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

Couple bad things but an awesome thing in the end

I started off with a good day. I made lunch as I woke up around noon. I had one of the steakhouse burgers I bought. I have one left, which I hope will still be good tomorrow. Then I showered and my ankle was having a fit. I didn’t care. It was nice out and I wanted to go to Starbucks. I also wanted to try and write a story. I kind of made a checklist of things I wanted to do today before I went to sleep last night. I just got one thing done, the outline of the story I want to write. I couldn’t think of anything to write while at Starbucks. I had wanted to go to CVS to get a card for a friend but after I cleaned up and put my things away, I forgot.

I got to the bus depot and while waiting for my bus, this guy walks by me and brushes against not one breast, but two. He apologized but he had this weird smirk on his face. I felt so horrible and the gender dysphoria just flared. I never hated my body more than I did at that moment. I got into a bad mood so fast. The bus couldn’t bring me home fast enough.

I went to Walgreens when I got off the bus. I wanted to get the card as I knew I would be going to the post office tomorrow. I found a card and then decided to get the dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup. They had them on sale for 2/$2 so I got two. Then I saw the Kit Kat bars and wanted the dark chocolate one. I found them after some looking. I then went to the checkout. The cashier was no where to be found and there was two customers ahead of me. The older guy went off somewhere so the second customer went up once the cashier returned. I put my stuff on the counter and the older gentleman was behind me. As the cashier was checking me out, he blurts out that I am buying too much chocolate and that tonight I should stand in the mirror and say no more chocolate. I just looked at him only because he tapped me on the shoulder. I gave him the nastiest look I could. I wanted to tell him to fuck off but held my tongue. I think the cashier was expecting an argument or something because he stopped what he was doing. I just handed him my money, got my change and left without saying a damn word. I was so fucking heated. The nerve of the guy!!

I told my mother what happened and she didn’t say anything. Thanks, ma! She just said we were having stir fry for dinner. I went upstairs to rant and rave. I had posted about the gender dysphoria but not too many people commented on it. The post about the Walgreens incident had more responses. Not like I was looking for it because I was fuming. People were telling me to tell him fuck off. It was just good that I felt supported by my friends on one post but not the other. Guess you can’t win them all.

I had dinner with my mother. She wanted me to clean up and I said okay but you are putting the rice away. She said no because she does everything and cooks, etc. I said yeah I don’t do nothing. She said emphatically, yes, I don’t do anything and I nearly lost it. I was so fucking hurt. I put the rice in a container but didn’t put it in the fridge because it was still hot.

I started working on my blog and because I had a bottle of water with dinner, I had to use the bathroom. I brought down the packages that I need to mail out tomorrow and then used the bathroom. I got a blank card so I could put the address of where I am sending one of them and the packing tape to stick it on. My mother then asks if I have the duct tape. I told her I don’t. She said it was in my office in one of the drawers. I told her it wasn’t. She argued with me so I fricken moved the stuff out of the way so I can check the drawers. No duct tape but found another roll of packing tape and some old pictures. I showed the roll of tape to my mother and she said no, that wasn’t what she needs. Bitch. I took it upstairs as I am out of packing tape and the pictures.

I went through the pictures. They were from the days of when I was a teen working with kids. I had one roll of all the kids from the summer program. I don’t remember their names, not a single one. I found a couple of my sister and nephew and another of my uncle. I posted them on Facebook. Then I looked in the other bag and my heart broke. The first picture was of my uncle (different one) and aunt who have been dead for some time now. I miss them so much. It just killed me seeing them. Then I found a pic of my wonderful aunts dancing. Behind them was another aunt and uncle dancing. This is the aunt that just passed away a few months ago. I was hurting so bad. I had taken the pics but they were sideways. I played with the damn functions of my phone trying to set them right. By the time I did, I had started a flare. A big one. It was blinding me. And, right on cue, my bladder needed to be emptied again. Fuck. I stood and saw stars. I carefully went downstairs, used the bathroom, and thought I would be able to make it back to my room. I went up like four steps and my ankle said a big fuck you. I was seeing stars again and I sat down. I was breathing really heavy and my chest hurt. I was having anxiety. Great. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My mother hadn’t noticed me. I didn’t know what to do because I was panicking. Finally I yelled for my mother. She couldn’t hear me over the TV. JFC. I had to wait for her to mute it and then she tried to get up. I said don’t get up call my sister to come up and get my meds. She called and I was waiting in agony. I didn’t put anything on my feet so my feet were getting cold. If it got colder, I would be screwed because I would cramp. My sister came up and I told her exactly where to find the bottle of meds that I needed. I had to explain it again once she got to my room because she didn’t fucking listen! Seriously??? Finally she got the bottle and some water. She brought them to me and I just waited a few minutes trying to relax. But I was still breathing heavy and panicky.

I had to put my foot under some blankets or I was going to hurt more. I carefully stood up, thanked my sister, and then carefully made my way up the stairs.

I kept staring at the laptop with my small paragraph and couldn’t continue. I had so much to say about today and my mind was stuck. I needed to talk to someone. I texted my good friend and he said he could talk to me. I knew he would be able to make me laugh and forget things while the pain meds did its magic. I talked to him for about a half hour or so and felt better afterwards. So wrote this long blog that I was trying to write the past several hours. I finally took my night meds almost two hours late. I will probably be up late because I did but there was nothing I could do about it because I was in too much pain to stand up.

Pain keeps moving around my ankle and the part of my foot where it is atrophied. I don’t think I am going to sleep until the middle of the night. I am tired from the stress of the pain. Ativan that I took with my night meds should be able to settle me down. I might need to take another strong pain pill.

The awesome thing that happened, that I forgot to mention, was that my best friend out in Illinois officially adopted his son. I am so happy for him that when I found out, I started crying tears of joy. I couldn’t help me. My friend has always wanted a child. And now he has one. I couldn’t be more thrilled. My friend’s family is the best. I know this because after I met them one Christmas, we exchanged Christmas cards for years and they still ask for me. It was really cool.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.