Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 2017

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 17

I had a very difficult night last night. It wasn’t due to pain, least not the physical kind. My lovely, greedy government gave the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), a list of words that cannot be used in their fiscal year budget. While normally, I try my best to ignore their stupidity, there was one word that was like a dagger to my heart, transgender. If they didn’t include this word because it was banned, I just fear we are moving from a democracy to a more dictatorship where my fellow transgender people will be punished or even killed, if they didn’t kill themselves first. And even if we did kill ourselves, it would be banned to use that “category” so the suicide would not be recorded correctly for further research. But then evidence-based and science-based have been banned as well so there would be no accurate studies anymore. Just broke my heart when I saw that word and I am seriously questioning moving forward with my transition while under Cheeto. I would really hate for my doctors to lawfully report my treatment should the idiot demand such things. (this is my paranoia talking, medical treatment is still under confidentiality.)

Also a few Nos on the tax bill got bribed to a yes, so I have no idea if my Medicare will get cut some time next year or the year after. I still have private insurance, which is going up at least $30-$40 next year. It will cost me over $300 for health insurance between the two insurances. And there is no guarantee that my SSD won’t be cut either. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My foot bones were again hurting when I woke up. I stood up and saw stars. I was not going to make cookies that I wanted to make today. I posted the recipe in a previous blog. It seems easy, though I am going to watch the video again. I still have no idea if I have the right circumference of the muffin pans for the cookie filling. I know I can make the filling okay, it is the cookie part I am worried about. I have never done something like this.

I had breakfast and did okay. I made a cup of tea as I didn’t feel like making coffee. I needed to take a shower but was taking my time. After lunch, my foot really flared up. It settled a little bit and I took that chance for a shower. For the first time in two weeks, I didn’t slip. I guess I should take one when I am not fatigued.

My sister came up after my brother in law brought me a loaf of bread that was three times the size I normally get. He told me to freeze some as it was half frozen so I did. I froze it in three portions, Saran wrap and aluminum foil wrapped. I didn’t want to put it in plastic bag as ice seems to get in it, spoiling it. I left out a portion so I could have it tomorrow for breakfast with maybe some eggs. My foot was getting cold despite wearing my slippers. I came upstairs and my foot went berserk again and got really cold. It then was hurting from being icy cold. I put on thermal socks. Damn thing is still cold, under my blanket and comforter! I don’t know why as it ten degrees warmer than yesterday. For some reason, my mother hasn’t been playing with the heat, which I like. My mother was really hot in her room last night, even though her door was open. Now she knows what I go through when she turns the heat up high. I can’t stand the icy pain I am feeling in my foot. Only half of my foot hurts. This sucks.

I wish I had Doritos as I want to make a tuna sandwich tonight. I like to eat them with Doritos. When I was a kid, my best friend introduced Dorito tuna sandwich. It’s been my favorite ever since. I stole a roll of bread from my sister’s to make a sandwich and that will be my dinner, though my mother said she was going to make a tuna salad so I don’t know what we are having. I hope she doesn’t use my tuna if she makes the salad. My tuna is just 3.5 oz and it’s perfect to make one sandwich.

Last night I was so tired from running around with my head cut off, that I fell asleep before 10 pm. I never watched It’s a Wonderful Life. I will watch it one of these days. It’s my traditional Christmas movie. I also got to dust off Home Alone as that is another of my Christmas favorites. Unfortunately, I don’t have A Christmas Carol. I really would love to get the one where Patrick Stewart plays Scrooge. I have yet to see that version. My favorite version of that movie is the black and white one. I think it was in 1939 or so. I have to look at the year as I don’t remember who played Scrooge but it is my favorite version. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my other favorite cartoon Christmas movie, not the Jim Carrey one. I don’t like the people Grinch. I wish they would leave classics the way they are.