Christmas 2019

Christmas 2019

Today started off rough as I got into an argument with my mother. She had called me wondering why I didn’t go down in the morning. I didn’t feel like it because I didn’t sleep well last night. I wanted coffee but it was almost time for dinner and I knew if I had some, my appetite wouldn’t be there. I was grumpy but made it downstairs. The food was good and I overate. I made out like a bandit with Starbucks gift cards.

I’ve been feeling really low all week. Monday my mood was better when I was in therapy. The therapist noticed. It didn’t last long as by evening I was depressed again and I have been down since. I think I am getting a cold as my nose is running tonight. I think the virus I have been avoiding the past two weeks has caught up to me.

Therapist wants me to start a DBT group. I told her I would try but no guarantees that this will be completed. I am juggling so many medical appointments as it is and throw in psych and physical therapy, my schedule is suddenly full. I am not sure I will have more than 3 appointments for PT as the concussion is getting better finally. I see the concussion doc the beginning of the new year. The first full week in Jan I have four appointments. Such a busy week and I am not looking forward to it. I still have this behavioral med psychologist I am seeing. I see him next week. I don’t see the point in seeing him but the therapist really stressed meeting with him so I will.

Uro called me yesterday. I have an appointment next week with my doc about this fricken catheter. I am sort of getting used to it but now sediment is starting to build up in it. I just hope no bacteria grows. I really don’t want an infection again. I have a love/hate relationship right now with the damn thing. The pain in the ass is having to empty the bag. The larger bag is not a huge deal but the smaller one I have to really watch how much I am drinking when I am out. Tomorrow I am to meet up with some friends and go out for dinner. I am nervous about it. Just hope it will be okay.

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 2017

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 17

I had a very difficult night last night. It wasn’t due to pain, least not the physical kind. My lovely, greedy government gave the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), a list of words that cannot be used in their fiscal year budget. While normally, I try my best to ignore their stupidity, there was one word that was like a dagger to my heart, transgender. If they didn’t include this word because it was banned, I just fear we are moving from a democracy to a more dictatorship where my fellow transgender people will be punished or even killed, if they didn’t kill themselves first. And even if we did kill ourselves, it would be banned to use that “category” so the suicide would not be recorded correctly for further research. But then evidence-based and science-based have been banned as well so there would be no accurate studies anymore. Just broke my heart when I saw that word and I am seriously questioning moving forward with my transition while under Cheeto. I would really hate for my doctors to lawfully report my treatment should the idiot demand such things. (this is my paranoia talking, medical treatment is still under confidentiality.)

Also a few Nos on the tax bill got bribed to a yes, so I have no idea if my Medicare will get cut some time next year or the year after. I still have private insurance, which is going up at least $30-$40 next year. It will cost me over $300 for health insurance between the two insurances. And there is no guarantee that my SSD won’t be cut either. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My foot bones were again hurting when I woke up. I stood up and saw stars. I was not going to make cookies that I wanted to make today. I posted the recipe in a previous blog. It seems easy, though I am going to watch the video again. I still have no idea if I have the right circumference of the muffin pans for the cookie filling. I know I can make the filling okay, it is the cookie part I am worried about. I have never done something like this.

I had breakfast and did okay. I made a cup of tea as I didn’t feel like making coffee. I needed to take a shower but was taking my time. After lunch, my foot really flared up. It settled a little bit and I took that chance for a shower. For the first time in two weeks, I didn’t slip. I guess I should take one when I am not fatigued.

My sister came up after my brother in law brought me a loaf of bread that was three times the size I normally get. He told me to freeze some as it was half frozen so I did. I froze it in three portions, Saran wrap and aluminum foil wrapped. I didn’t want to put it in plastic bag as ice seems to get in it, spoiling it. I left out a portion so I could have it tomorrow for breakfast with maybe some eggs. My foot was getting cold despite wearing my slippers. I came upstairs and my foot went berserk again and got really cold. It then was hurting from being icy cold. I put on thermal socks. Damn thing is still cold, under my blanket and comforter! I don’t know why as it ten degrees warmer than yesterday. For some reason, my mother hasn’t been playing with the heat, which I like. My mother was really hot in her room last night, even though her door was open. Now she knows what I go through when she turns the heat up high. I can’t stand the icy pain I am feeling in my foot. Only half of my foot hurts. This sucks.

I wish I had Doritos as I want to make a tuna sandwich tonight. I like to eat them with Doritos. When I was a kid, my best friend introduced Dorito tuna sandwich. It’s been my favorite ever since. I stole a roll of bread from my sister’s to make a sandwich and that will be my dinner, though my mother said she was going to make a tuna salad so I don’t know what we are having. I hope she doesn’t use my tuna if she makes the salad. My tuna is just 3.5 oz and it’s perfect to make one sandwich.

Last night I was so tired from running around with my head cut off, that I fell asleep before 10 pm. I never watched It’s a Wonderful Life. I will watch it one of these days. It’s my traditional Christmas movie. I also got to dust off Home Alone as that is another of my Christmas favorites. Unfortunately, I don’t have A Christmas Carol. I really would love to get the one where Patrick Stewart plays Scrooge. I have yet to see that version. My favorite version of that movie is the black and white one. I think it was in 1939 or so. I have to look at the year as I don’t remember who played Scrooge but it is my favorite version. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my other favorite cartoon Christmas movie, not the Jim Carrey one. I don’t like the people Grinch. I wish they would leave classics the way they are.

Christmas Eve 2016

Christmas Eve 2016

I haven’t done much of anything today. I helped my mother as best I could around the kitchen as she made stuff and I washed the dishes. I couldn’t make coffee because she was using both counter tops so I had no room to place my French press. I will make it tomorrow.

I went out to cash my scratch ticket and then went to get eggs for my mother. She yelled at me for paying $1.89 for eggs like it was coming out of her pocket. Sorry, ma, eggs aren’t 99 cents anywhere anymore. I bought three dozen. That should tie her over for a while. We go through a lot of eggs because she bakes a lot.

I ordered Chinese food. I don’t know why I bothered to buy chicken fingers. They never taste right. My mother will eat them. The General Gao was okay. I didn’t eat the scallion pancakes I bought. I wasn’t that hungry. I like them left over anyways. Now I got to decide what movie to watch. I am leaning towards Home Alone. I seriously need to dust it off though before I use the disc. That is if I don’t go back to sleep. I fricken took a two hour nap and I am wasted. I am trying not to go back to sleep but it’s hard.

I was struggling with dealing with my father’s loss this morning. I kept thinking about him. It was his last Christmas and the last time he was fairly “healthy”. He had a recurrence of his liver tumor and we were waiting to see what the treatment option would be. We had no idea that his health would downfall in the on coming months.

My ankle is hurting today but not as bad as it has been in the past. Surprisingly, just one pain pill is keeping it at bay. I hope it stays that way. I took Nyquil last night because I was coughing and was congested. I had a good sleep. I was glad. Though I still don’t know why I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap. I will watch the movie tomorrow.

Christmas Eve 2013

Christmas Eve 2013

Did some food shopping and have not stopped eating since I came home. I got the hungry horrors. I know it is because I didn’t eat much yesterday. I had little appetite because I was sick from my migraine that I got to close the night off. I was wondering why I was nauseous all day. I never learn that it is due to migraine.

I am feeling sad. I just called my Godmother to say thank you for the birthday gift she gave me. She didn’t sound too good. She could barely hear me and her mouth was chattering due to her Parkinson’s disease. I feel really bad for her. I miss hanging out with her on this day. Christmas Eve was always the day to spend with family and then open presents at midnight after midnight mass. This year I am spending it alone. I am staying home, having a TV dinner and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I might watch Patrick Stewart’s version of the Christmas Carol if I am feeling up to it. The rest of my family (mother and sisters) are going down to my aunt’s house for their fish dinner. I don’t like fish so I am just staying home. I don’t like my aunt anyways.

I just want to have solitary tonight. Christmas doesn’t mean that much to me like it once did. I miss my father’s side of the family. But we don’t talk too much anymore.

The fall I took yesterday hurt my hip. I am really sore and found it difficult to find a comfortable position. I didn’t sleep well but what else is new.