Shit show of a day
So this morning as I was making coffee, I answered my mother’s phone. She was having some nursing come and her doctor’s nurse wanted to talk to her. Both women misgendered me and deadnamed me. One of the women couldn’t understand why I was going by G instead of my birth name and why I was a son and not a daughter as I was conflicting with her paperwork. I don’t understand why they couldn’t be gender affirmed in their care.
I shrugged it off as there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to tell my mother that I am her son and to refer me as it on her doctor’s records. I went to group and each one went ok. I had to miss the first one because I didn’t get an email in time telling me where the group was. For some reason I am not getting the email when they send it out. It worked out okay because the last group on the day was on gender. I was bored during some of the groups but it was ok.
My sister gave me the presents from my mother, including my birthday card that said “daughter”. I flipped out. I was so damn fucking hurt. And with the stuff that happened in the morning it really didn’t make me feel good. I texted my therapist, who is on vacation, and she flipped out and knew I was hurting. She asked who else I could reach out to. I had already sent a few messages out to friends that would talk to me. I put on some Bon Jovi to just listen to music. I wanted to listen to something that wouldn’t stir anything up.
I felt bad that I bothered my therapist. I wasn’t looking for support as I knew I wasn’t going to get it, with her being on vacation. I ordered a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles. I got the burger with ketchup. It even said on the paper mustard. Someone can’t read. I ate it anyway. I wasn’t going to let a burger go to waste.
My mother is doing ok. She is still weak. I am not too happy with her right now but there is nothing I can do about it right now. I have to somehow get over this, that she cannot accept me for me. But it hurts so much. I tried crying tonight about it but the tears wouldn’t come. I don’t know why when I felt tearful. I think the citalopram is the reason I can’t cry. It really sucks. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with it.