going through the motions

Going through the motions

Today was my sister’s birthday. We celebrated and it annoyed me because I just wasn’t into the loudness of everything. My youngest sister was annoying me with trying to talk to my mother about getting my other sister’s kitchen table because it was bigger. The thing is a monster table and would be hard to get by in our kitchen. Plus my mother doesn’t want a rectangle table. She wants the one she has, a round one and that is that.

I picked up my meds from the pharmacy today. It was a good walk but my back cramped up and I had to rest a little while after getting my meds. I just sat in the chair until the spasms passed and then I went on my way. I still got winded by the time I got to my house. The hill up my street gets me every time. I again didn’t nap when I came home. I pushed through and even though I am tired now, I think I will sleep better. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I fought it off as best I could but I couldn’t sleep until I emptied my bladder. Then I was up. I have been up since 0400. I did manage a couple of hours sleep at 0700 but for the most part I have been up. I just took my night meds so I hope to be asleep soon. I just hope I don’t wake up to use the bathroom again.

I had to take some gaba tonight because my foot is full of nerve pain. It feels like it is vibrating. I was tempted to take the bottle tonight. I didn’t want to harm myself but I just felt like fuck it. I still want to take more but I am resisting the urge. I am not sure I am going to bring this up when I talk with my therapist tomorrow. I might but I don’t know. I guess it all depends on if I want to talk about it. I get into these funks with her where I feel like I just can’t talk to her without her judging me. She doesn’t but I am fearful she will. She has this no bullshit attitude that makes it hard for me to talk sometimes. And when the bullshit detector goes off, the sarcasm follows. I will usually follow with some sarcasm on my own.

I feel rough and empty. I am struggling with so much and I can’t seem to know how to deal with it but I am just going through the motions. I feel hopeless when I am in this space. It is so hard to feel hopeful about anything. I try though. Even though I want to cancel my therapy appointment, I will keep it because maybe it won’t go down the way that I feel it will (poorly with no hope of things being better or feeling better after the appointment.) I got brain fog right now from the Latuda. I felt it last night around an hour after I took it and I am feeling it now. Ugh. It feels like someone is trying to grip my brain and hold it in place all the while stopping messages going through my head. I am glad I am taking this med at night rather than during the day. It would be a disaster to have this side effect then. My brain just feels frozen and in a fog. I sent a message to my psychiatrist to see if it is a temporary feeling. Just hope I can sleep.

PT and other stuff

PT and other stuff

I had PT today. I wasn’t going to go but I made myself. I so wanted to sleep in and cancel the appointment but I went anyways. Luckily, I didn’t have anymore problems with my stomach. I was worried but it cleared up after I gone to the bathroom. I have had an upset stomach for most of the day. I just had coffee and some soup for dinner. I really haven’t felt like eating.

I ordered my groceries for tomorrow. I don’t know how I am going to get them up the stairs as my nephew has been working in the mornings. I hope maybe my niece can help me. I know I won’t be able to do it myself. It would take me all day just to get half the stuff up the stairs. I learned my lesson from last time.

I have been feeling tired for most of the day but haven’t slept. I told the PT that I have been tired lately doing stuff but she didn’t really have answers for me. She is trying to build my endurance up. She gave me some home exercises to do. I hope that I will be able to do them.

My ankle has been smarting all day, probably due to the rain we are having. I am going to take my night meds in a few minutes so I hope the night dose of pain meds will help. If not, I will take the BT meds. I hate this pain. It is like a knife stabbing me right in the joint.

I have been running hot and cold today. I don’t know what to make of it and hope I am not getting sick. Have been putting on and taking off my long sleeved shirt. It is kind of cool in my room and I am under blankets. It is not helping my ankle being cold. I am just glad I haven’t been having back cramps today. It has been nice to move without them.

I need to shave and shower. I probably will do that tomorrow after my groceries get delivered. My beard is coming in as I haven’t shaved in more than a week. I haven’t felt like shaving regularly. I take it as another sign I am depressed. I haven’t listened to Taylor Swift’s latest album in a while so I just put it on. I really love the tunes. I think it is her best album yet. It is so down to earth. Perfect for the Pandemic.

Saturday Blog 03102020

Saturday Blog 03102020

I woke up early so I ordered breakfast because my foot is hurting me so much I can’t stand that long. I didn’t have coffee, though I should make it. Yesterday’s cup wasn’t fulfilling to me. Maybe I will have tea instead. I don’t know. I am so indecisive. I am listening to Hamilton again. I think it is becoming my Saturday thing.

I had to order another micro USB cable because it took forever for my Kindle to charge on the one I have and it kept on disconnecting while plugged in. The beeping was driving me crazy! I finally bought the new shaver. I don’t like it. It doesn’t give me a close shave like I was hoping it would. It works though so I don’t want to return it. There are days when I don’t want to shave but growing a beard while I still have breasts looks ridiculous to me. So I try to shave every other day or three. I really like shaving with a razor but sometimes it just isn’t feasible because of pain so I will use a shaver.

My foot is killing me today. It feels like my metatarsals are being crushed. I hate bone pain. It is so difficult to treat. I am so tired of being in pain. It really is in itself tiring. I wish I could sleep but I am too wired. I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to sleep till after 0200. Pain was keeping me up. I had taken a shower and set my foot off. The water hit my foot/ankle and it felt weird before it flared up. I have been in pain since.

I talked with my cousin who has bipolar disorder last night. He told me he will take me shopping some day next week when he feels up for it. I said ok as there isn’t anything urgent that I need right now. I do need to go shopping though. I need to get some food and snacks. My mother also needs juice. I know when I do go, I will be tired. I still don’t have the stamina I once I had before surgery. Fricken sucks that it has been almost seven months now and I still am not back to being even 90% better energy wise. I need to go to Walgreens for my flu shot. I think I will do that today.

feeling overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed

PT just called to schedule appointments for me. The PT that I have been seeing and really like is leaving the organization so I had to go to another location. I am a bit overwhelmed because the third week in Oct I have appointments nearly every day, and therapy hasn’t been scheduled yet so I am nervous that I won’t have therapy that week.

Since last night my back has been making cracking sounds or feels like it is. I don’t know what is going on. I know I don’t have the bony spine on my vertebraes anymore. They all have been removed except for L1-L2. This was because of all the surgeries I have had this year and in the past. I am nervous that I did something to my back yesterday when my groceries came. I just hope it is just muscles that I am hearing and not bone on bone, though it wouldn’t surprise me if there is bone on bone. My discs have deteriorated so there isn’t much cushioning like there used to be. I see the surgeon in three weeks. I will let him know before then if this continues. My headaches have come back and I don’t like it. I am hoping today’s headache was because of the storms that were passing through. I thought I was going to get a migraine but I didn’t. Tylenol seems to have gotten rid of the headache (and eating something too).

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be going over this overwhelm with her. I hate when I have so many appointments back to back. I hope I like this new PT. I don’t know if it is the one my PT recommended I see or not. She is supposed to send me an email tomorrow about it. I am just glad I don’t have to call the ride to get to the place. I can just take the bus as it is down the street from me. I just need to make sure I have enough money on my T pass. I will make sure I do have enough when I get my haircut tomorrow. The Train station is right there near my barber’s shop. I just hope I remember.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but my cousin bailed on me. He said that he wasn’t feeling good. It’s ok because I need to rest my back anyway after dealing with groceries on Monday. My legs are still hurting me from going up and down the stairs.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to change medications. I will be starting Latuda tonight and decreasing the Invega. I forgot how he wanted me to decrease the Invega so I sent him a message. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I am just halving the dose tonight and then stopping it come the weekend. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects. I really hope that it works for me and doesn’t cause weight gain.

This weekend I will be posting transition pics as Saturday marks my second anniversary of being on T. Will be interesting to see the changes. I know there have been a lot. I am more hairy for one. My facial hair has come in nicely. I love that my mustache is more pronounced than it had been. It is darker and thicker. What bothers me is that I have hair on my chest but it is on my stupid breasts. I hate that. I feel like a hairy woman sometimes rather than a man. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look. I still feel ugly. I can’t help but hate the way my face is. Sometimes I can look at myself and see the changes and other times I can’t stand to see myself.