going through the motions

Going through the motions

Today was my sister’s birthday. We celebrated and it annoyed me because I just wasn’t into the loudness of everything. My youngest sister was annoying me with trying to talk to my mother about getting my other sister’s kitchen table because it was bigger. The thing is a monster table and would be hard to get by in our kitchen. Plus my mother doesn’t want a rectangle table. She wants the one she has, a round one and that is that.

I picked up my meds from the pharmacy today. It was a good walk but my back cramped up and I had to rest a little while after getting my meds. I just sat in the chair until the spasms passed and then I went on my way. I still got winded by the time I got to my house. The hill up my street gets me every time. I again didn’t nap when I came home. I pushed through and even though I am tired now, I think I will sleep better. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I fought it off as best I could but I couldn’t sleep until I emptied my bladder. Then I was up. I have been up since 0400. I did manage a couple of hours sleep at 0700 but for the most part I have been up. I just took my night meds so I hope to be asleep soon. I just hope I don’t wake up to use the bathroom again.

I had to take some gaba tonight because my foot is full of nerve pain. It feels like it is vibrating. I was tempted to take the bottle tonight. I didn’t want to harm myself but I just felt like fuck it. I still want to take more but I am resisting the urge. I am not sure I am going to bring this up when I talk with my therapist tomorrow. I might but I don’t know. I guess it all depends on if I want to talk about it. I get into these funks with her where I feel like I just can’t talk to her without her judging me. She doesn’t but I am fearful she will. She has this no bullshit attitude that makes it hard for me to talk sometimes. And when the bullshit detector goes off, the sarcasm follows. I will usually follow with some sarcasm on my own.

I feel rough and empty. I am struggling with so much and I can’t seem to know how to deal with it but I am just going through the motions. I feel hopeless when I am in this space. It is so hard to feel hopeful about anything. I try though. Even though I want to cancel my therapy appointment, I will keep it because maybe it won’t go down the way that I feel it will (poorly with no hope of things being better or feeling better after the appointment.) I got brain fog right now from the Latuda. I felt it last night around an hour after I took it and I am feeling it now. Ugh. It feels like someone is trying to grip my brain and hold it in place all the while stopping messages going through my head. I am glad I am taking this med at night rather than during the day. It would be a disaster to have this side effect then. My brain just feels frozen and in a fog. I sent a message to my psychiatrist to see if it is a temporary feeling. Just hope I can sleep.