a gallon of milk

A gallon of milk

We were out of milk today so I decided to go out to get it rather than have my nephew get it. I had to put some money on my T pass so I needed to go out anyway. The only sad part is that I couldn’t have Starbucks because they were renovating the store. I had to stop twice on the way and back to the grocery store because my back was cramping up on me. I came home tired but feeling accomplished. My mother was not happy that I bought the milk. She wanted my nephew to do it. I don’t understand why. My therapist when I told her said it was because I have been feeling tired lately and it was too much for me to do. I still felt good because I didn’t nap after the time out and I was tired but not exhausted like I had been in the past.

Therapy was difficult today. I told her of the feelings of suicidality I had last night. I wish I didn’t say anything because now I have a second appointment this week with her. She said I am withdrawing from sessions and she is worried about me. She is going to consult with my psychiatrist about what to do from here on in. She just feels she can’t be the only one helping me right now. I feel bad about this. I just want to run away from her. I might cancel the appointment for Wed. She wants to check in but I don’t want to. I had a hard time talking to her today and just know Wed is going to be just as hard.

I’m having a hard time with my gender identity right now. I want the things on my chest off. But in order for me to even see the surgeon, I have to be a certain BMI and lose like 25 lbs. I am slowly losing weight but it isn’t fast enough for me. I also have no idea if I will be able to keep the weight off but it is driving me crazy that I have this hinderance. If I was to have breast cancer I doubt they would impose this weight restriction for surgery. So stupid. I am so upset and I know part of the reason I am so suicidal right now is because of the things on my chest. It is bothering me so damn much.

I’ve been thinking about writing, in general and as therapy. I did a lot of that with my therapist of 16 years. I don’t do so much with my current therapist. Maybe that is what is missing that needs to happen. I don’t know how to implement it as I don’t see her face to face. I used to write in a notebook and bring it with me for our sessions. But now that we have teletherapy, I obviously can’t share what I write anymore. The few messages I have been able to write to her have not been responded to outside of therapy. I don’t think it will be worthwhile to send messages if they are going to be ignored until session. I feel like I should apologize to my therapist about today but I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t think. I just am feeling guilty about it.