Waves of despair due to pain
The Sox lost their 3rd game of the season. I had something to eat because I was hungry and then I tried sleeping. My foot/ankle has been playing up throughout most of the game. I laid down and tried to get comfortable. The pain wasn’t getting better so decided to take another pain med. And that is when my foot/ankle really said fuck you to me. I saw fucking stars. All I did was try and sit up. Hard to swallow a pill while you are lying down.
So my thoughts went to suicide. I’ve been stuck in this hole and I don’t think there is anyway out. I really don’t want to see my therapist anymore. Just thinking about walking to his office makes me anxious. I don’t talk about my suicidal feelings or thoughts because the last time I brought them up, he said I was “angry”. Typical Freud? It just upset me and I just feel like I have no where to go to talk about this shit except here. NO I AM NOT GOING TO END MY LIFE RIGHT THIS SECOND OR IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! I am just TALKING about it, NOT ACTING on it. There is a fucking difference.
It’s the weekend so the information that I need to find out I can’t find out because the office isn’t open. I can make other plans though. I think I have a location that I can end things. I will scope the place out next week. It will be fun, get me out of the house for a few hours. It’s moments like this when the plan that has been going round and round my head has a chance to be written and spelled out because my stupid fucking pain is high and all I can think about is ending it. You know what is stupid? There has been less opioid prescriptions written since 2015 and yet there are more overdoses. People are still dying, want to know why? Because they are not fucking overdosing on prescription opioids!!! It is heroin and illicit fentanyl!! Way to go government and your stupid war on drugs.
I am so damn tired of being in constant pain. My niece is turning 13 today. I feel bad that her uncle will be dying soon because his pain is not being treated adequately. Hell, he isn’t even being taken seriously that he has pain. The only docs that believe him is his psychiatrist and the LGBT doctor. I am supposed to meet with the pain doc in two weeks. I don’t know if it will a waste of time or not. But in the mean time, I am supposed to wait. I will plan while I am waiting. Seems to be the sensible thing to do.