The Ups and Downs of Being Bipolar

Today has been an up and down, all around day. I had another rough sleep, though pain had something to do with it as usual. Around 1 am, I felt energetic, like hypomanic. I also got the writing urge and I knew the bipolar part of my illness was showing itself. I can understand why as I have had shitty sleeps for I don’t know how many days in a row, being up all night. When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I shut off my med alarm but didn’t take my meds. I got up about a half hour later and it was too late to take them. I did my bathroom routine and then pondered what to do.

I was feeling really low and sluggish. I felt like canceling my appt with my psychiatrist but really wanted to give her the card I got her. I left at the time I planned on going. I didn’t bring my cup. I forgot. I decided to wear my sneakers rather than the AFO to see how my ankle would do. Maybe using it wouldn’t cause me pain. By the time I got into town, that proved to be a mistake.

I got to Starbucks and just had espresso. I had a bowl of cereal before I left the house as I was hungry and had time to eat. I was really sleepy while I was at Starbucks. I tried to write but nothing was really coming to me, least not while I wanted to take a nap. I didn’t even play with my phone. I just listened to music and was getting annoyed with the passing cars glinting sun in my eyes. I was sitting by the glass door. It sucked. I left to go to the train station and by the time I got there, my ankle was cursing me. Great. I seemed to be off with the timing of the train so I just drank my espresso while waiting for it.

I got to the building where my psych is and had to use the bathroom. There was someone using the disability stall so I used the normal one. I hate them because it makes me claustrophobic. It is so tiny. For some reason, my backpack weighed a ton. I don’t understand why as there really isn’t much in it other than 3 small notebooks and my journal. I was carrying the bag for my psych but it didn’t weigh that much. It is annoying me. Everything was annoying me. I just wanted to get home.

I saw my psych and she was appreciative of the chocolate and card, though she didn’t open it. I felt like it had been ages since I last saw her as there has been so much going on. I told her about the pain psychologist and she said that was huge. I told her I had an appt with a pain MD Friday. I don’t know what happened while talking to her but I was off to the races. Things were spilling out left and right. In the span of the 20 minutes or so, I was talking about everything. I told her about my troubles with my new story and she understood. She didn’t say anything but was cautious about it. She knows how much my past caused me to lose my sense of reality and I told her I didn’t want this story to make me become unstable, least not more than I am already. She had no insights into the functional program that the PT and the pain psychologist wanted me to go to. I asked what would be the point in going. I haven’t been able to find an answer to this question. I might email my PT. I just worry that if going back to work is the goal, then that might be a problem as I don’t want to lose my benefits. If I lose my long term disability or my social security, I won’t be able to get them back, ever. My writing is good but I doubt I am going to be the next JK Rowling or Neil Gaiman. And it’s not like I collect money from my blog so that is out. I have no idea what my job would be. But I am getting ahead of myself. Right now none of that is possible unless my pain is controlled to a livable level, and it is not right now.

My psych said I was all over the place, and I was as I had sent her emails in my lowest of lows, mostly due to pain. I don’t know if I told her about being suicidal. Those, thankfully, have been passing thoughts and haven’t stuck around. I am not surprised because I was sending her emails about my pain and how it was affecting me. Over the weekend, I was really angry. Then I was depressed and now I am kind of hypomanic. I am not feeling euphoric or happy. I just feel kind of upbeat.

I left her office and she said to stay in touch. I told her I would. I had a million ideas running through my head and I wanted to write them all down. I got to the train station and figured I would get the title of today’s blog done so I did that. The train came so I just read Facebook until I got to the Square again. I had about 20 minutes for the bus home, so I figured I would write the damn story. Except, I didn’t know what to write on, my phone or my notebook. It was agonizing me to decide. I pulled out the outline I had on my phone and this story line was there, but nothing else. Just three fucking words. I became paralyzed again, writing wise. Then things slowed down to their normal level. I wasn’t so racy.

After dinner, I wanted to write the blog. I opened my laptop and like I usually do, I read twitter before I open Word. I read about the school shooting. I was sad and angry that this happened again. The usual things occurred. The shooter was white so wasn’t shot to death. He didn’t kill himself. Seventeen people died. There were reports of him having mental illness. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone a killer!!! Someone with mental illness is more likely to be a VICTIM of violence than to cause it. But because of our fucked up society that has to put blame, sure they are mentally ill because a fucking sane white person wouldn’t do this. It sickens me. Then the reports of how much each Republican Senator was paid by the NRA was reported. It’s like fucking clockwork. Things will die down in a few days and then it will happen in another school, which it fucking shouldn’t!! Kids should be fucking safe where they learn for fucks sake!! They shouldn’t have to learn how to cope with their friends being shot to death and being terrorized by a gunman at their school. Congress needs to take action of some sort or the States have to. Someone has to! This can’t keep happening. America shouldn’t be known for mass murders yet it is. All because of the 2nd Amendment? I don’t think the founding fathers wanted kids to die by shootings or having their countrymen shot to death in mass numbers by civilians.

Needless to say, I couldn’t write my blog anymore. I watched Titanic, Disc 1. I am not going to watch Disc 2 where 1500 people die. I am thinking of the kids that died today that shouldn’t have.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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