tired of this shit

Tired of this shit

I took my extended release med an hour later than I was supposed to. I was in the middle of doing something so forgot to take it. I had a peanut butter and fluff sandwich for supper and now the peanut butter is giving me horrible gas pains. Happens whenever I go overboard with the peanut butter. I can’t help it. It tastes so good. I took some gas stuff to calm it down.

I’ve been in a mood. My left thigh has been acting up the past few nights. I don’t know why. Usually, I just stand and walk around my room settles it down a little. I hate being in pain all over the place.

I have been going over my expenses for the month and I don’t have any extra cash for things. Sucks. I have enough for groceries for the month but I won’t be able to eat out unless I put it on my credit card, after I pay them for the month. I don’t know why I got them. I could have extra money for things if I didn’t have them. I am so stupid. I wanted to build my credit up. I don’t think I have. I am dumb.

I wish I could talk freely about what is on my mind like I used to but I am afraid some moron will call the authorities and they will come to my house. I have been very careful about what I write in my blog. I know I could write in my journal. It would be much safer. I know I don’t have to share with the world my thoughts but maybe my thoughts might help someone going through the same thing. I don’t know. I hardly get any feedback anymore. I just write just to write. I know a few people read my blog every day. Thank you. It means so much when you are depressed.

I got a thing about my students loans. I have to submit paperwork saying I am basically not working and that I meet the poverty guidelines. Seems I have to do it every year for them. Because my loans were discharged because I am disabled, I can’t get another loan, ever. Not that I would want one because there would be no way I could pay it back. I don’t make that much, just the bare minimum to get by. Sucks. I wouldn’t be able to work, even if I could. I would be in too much pain later that night or maybe my ankle would go out on me in the middle of my shift. I can’t afford that. It would wreck my confidence in myself. Hell, if I can’t even keep up with the dishes, how am I to work a job?

I ordered some cold cuts so I don’t have to cook. It is going to be hot all week, with the humidity being ridiculous. Hope my AC doesn’t croak. I have to be out of the house Wed so I will give it a break then. I don’t know when I will see my mother. I feel bad not seeing her. I do talk to her though. We don’t talk long. Maybe five minutes if that. I miss her. House is so quiet without her. I am sure when she is back, I will be annoyed with the TV being so loud. I had to lower it on the two TVs I watch. I was able to watch the last three out of the game. Sox won and they are 6 games up from the Snakes. I hope they continue to win and the Snakes continue to lose. HAHA I can dream.

My foot is starting to talk to me. Last night it was my ankle. God did my ankle hurt so bad. I took a picture and then drew a red circle around where it hurt. It was only an inch or so that was causing me so much pain. Today was a little better. I don’t know what it will be later on. I never know. I can do nothing it will hurt or I could do something and it will hurt. There is no rhyme or reason with it. And trying to stay on top of my pain meds doesn’t work either. Once it flares, it stays flared. Best thing I could do is keep it immobile as possible. Movement just causes more pain.

I should have made a cake while it was cool. Now it is blazing hot so turning on the oven won’t be a good idea. I bought the cake mix last month. I thought it was a simple thing but it isn’t. It is literally making a cake. You also need to put together the frosting with sugar and butter. Too much of a hassle. Maybe I will make it at my sister’s as she has an AC in her kitchen. Only thing is, I don’t know how to operate her oven because it is all fancy and shit. Just turning on the burners is difficult. Crazy stove.

I’m going to try and go to sleep now. I think all my thoughts have been emptied, least the ones that are “safe”. I hope I get to sleep. I really want one night where I am asleep by 2 AM.

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