The Ups and Downs of Being Bipolar

Today has been an up and down, all around day. I had another rough sleep, though pain had something to do with it as usual. Around 1 am, I felt energetic, like hypomanic. I also got the writing urge and I knew the bipolar part of my illness was showing itself. I can understand why as I have had shitty sleeps for I don’t know how many days in a row, being up all night. When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I shut off my med alarm but didn’t take my meds. I got up about a half hour later and it was too late to take them. I did my bathroom routine and then pondered what to do.

I was feeling really low and sluggish. I felt like canceling my appt with my psychiatrist but really wanted to give her the card I got her. I left at the time I planned on going. I didn’t bring my cup. I forgot. I decided to wear my sneakers rather than the AFO to see how my ankle would do. Maybe using it wouldn’t cause me pain. By the time I got into town, that proved to be a mistake.

I got to Starbucks and just had espresso. I had a bowl of cereal before I left the house as I was hungry and had time to eat. I was really sleepy while I was at Starbucks. I tried to write but nothing was really coming to me, least not while I wanted to take a nap. I didn’t even play with my phone. I just listened to music and was getting annoyed with the passing cars glinting sun in my eyes. I was sitting by the glass door. It sucked. I left to go to the train station and by the time I got there, my ankle was cursing me. Great. I seemed to be off with the timing of the train so I just drank my espresso while waiting for it.

I got to the building where my psych is and had to use the bathroom. There was someone using the disability stall so I used the normal one. I hate them because it makes me claustrophobic. It is so tiny. For some reason, my backpack weighed a ton. I don’t understand why as there really isn’t much in it other than 3 small notebooks and my journal. I was carrying the bag for my psych but it didn’t weigh that much. It is annoying me. Everything was annoying me. I just wanted to get home.

I saw my psych and she was appreciative of the chocolate and card, though she didn’t open it. I felt like it had been ages since I last saw her as there has been so much going on. I told her about the pain psychologist and she said that was huge. I told her I had an appt with a pain MD Friday. I don’t know what happened while talking to her but I was off to the races. Things were spilling out left and right. In the span of the 20 minutes or so, I was talking about everything. I told her about my troubles with my new story and she understood. She didn’t say anything but was cautious about it. She knows how much my past caused me to lose my sense of reality and I told her I didn’t want this story to make me become unstable, least not more than I am already. She had no insights into the functional program that the PT and the pain psychologist wanted me to go to. I asked what would be the point in going. I haven’t been able to find an answer to this question. I might email my PT. I just worry that if going back to work is the goal, then that might be a problem as I don’t want to lose my benefits. If I lose my long term disability or my social security, I won’t be able to get them back, ever. My writing is good but I doubt I am going to be the next JK Rowling or Neil Gaiman. And it’s not like I collect money from my blog so that is out. I have no idea what my job would be. But I am getting ahead of myself. Right now none of that is possible unless my pain is controlled to a livable level, and it is not right now.

My psych said I was all over the place, and I was as I had sent her emails in my lowest of lows, mostly due to pain. I don’t know if I told her about being suicidal. Those, thankfully, have been passing thoughts and haven’t stuck around. I am not surprised because I was sending her emails about my pain and how it was affecting me. Over the weekend, I was really angry. Then I was depressed and now I am kind of hypomanic. I am not feeling euphoric or happy. I just feel kind of upbeat.

I left her office and she said to stay in touch. I told her I would. I had a million ideas running through my head and I wanted to write them all down. I got to the train station and figured I would get the title of today’s blog done so I did that. The train came so I just read Facebook until I got to the Square again. I had about 20 minutes for the bus home, so I figured I would write the damn story. Except, I didn’t know what to write on, my phone or my notebook. It was agonizing me to decide. I pulled out the outline I had on my phone and this story line was there, but nothing else. Just three fucking words. I became paralyzed again, writing wise. Then things slowed down to their normal level. I wasn’t so racy.

After dinner, I wanted to write the blog. I opened my laptop and like I usually do, I read twitter before I open Word. I read about the school shooting. I was sad and angry that this happened again. The usual things occurred. The shooter was white so wasn’t shot to death. He didn’t kill himself. Seventeen people died. There were reports of him having mental illness. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone a killer!!! Someone with mental illness is more likely to be a VICTIM of violence than to cause it. But because of our fucked up society that has to put blame, sure they are mentally ill because a fucking sane white person wouldn’t do this. It sickens me. Then the reports of how much each Republican Senator was paid by the NRA was reported. It’s like fucking clockwork. Things will die down in a few days and then it will happen in another school, which it fucking shouldn’t!! Kids should be fucking safe where they learn for fucks sake!! They shouldn’t have to learn how to cope with their friends being shot to death and being terrorized by a gunman at their school. Congress needs to take action of some sort or the States have to. Someone has to! This can’t keep happening. America shouldn’t be known for mass murders yet it is. All because of the 2nd Amendment? I don’t think the founding fathers wanted kids to die by shootings or having their countrymen shot to death in mass numbers by civilians.

Needless to say, I couldn’t write my blog anymore. I watched Titanic, Disc 1. I am not going to watch Disc 2 where 1500 people die. I am thinking of the kids that died today that shouldn’t have.

hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

Hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

I woke up with energy for the first time in months. I needed a coffee so I made some and that really energized me. I went to the post office only to be turned down because their network was down and couldn’t do anything except sell stamps. So I walked back home with my packages. I was getting really antsy and was in a really good mood. I didn’t think anything of it.

I patiently waited for the next bus to come but I couldn’t sit still. I went to Walgreens to drop off my prescription and then waited at the bus stop. The pharmacy didn’t have a line so I was in and out. The next bus wasn’t for another half hour. The weather was warm so I didn’t mind waiting the half hour. I was in shorts. In February! It reached the highest temp on record today of 74 degrees. I was feeling really good and felt like I could walk to the Square but I didn’t. The bus came and I went to Starbucks.

I had something to eat and 4 shots of espresso. I figured that it would slow me down. Nope, it just sped me up. Holy fucking shit I was in a hypomanic state! I started writing in my journal. I still had about an hour and a half before I had to leave for my psych appointment. There was a guy that was on his phone while his laptop was on. He was playing some kind of game and he was just making me nervous because he kept popping up and down, while drinking his coffee. And I was the manic one…yea okay. As I was writing and playing on my phone checking Twitter, the time passed and I went to leave. I didn’t finish the espresso. I was so wired I could fly.

I got my monthly T-pass and got on the train. I didn’t have to wait as one was pulling in the station as I got to the platform. I tried to rest while I was on the train but that wasn’t happening. My eyes felt like they had toothpicks in them to keep them open. I was so fucking wired. I couldn’t wait to get off my stop. I still had a few minutes before my appointment so I went to the bathroom. The handicapped stall was taken so I had to use the regular stalls. I hate them because they are so tiny. If they just made them a little bigger, you might not feel so claustrophobic. After I did my business, I went to my appointment. I had to wait for my psych, who always runs late. Today she wasn’t too bad. I was glad because there was a kid having a meltdown in the office waiting area and I didn’t want to see what happened next.

I told my psych that I felt good and was probably hypomanic. I told her it’s most likely a 24-48 hour thing. Very rarely it goes beyond that for me. She wants me to let her know how my sleep is and stuff or if I get worse. I jokingly asked her if she wanted my credit cards to hold. She said I wasn’t a spender (which I am not). I did buy another book though on the ride home. I won’t be seeing her next week because I have a class that I am taking on promoting your book. She wants me to call her. Here I was thinking I could get away from her for a week and then she wants me to call her. Dammit. We made an appointment for the week after.

She had asked about therapy and I told her the therapist that I have been leaving messages to hasn’t returned my calls or emails. So she is going to look for someone for me. If it doesn’t work out, I guess I will call the referral line that I did today and see if I can get someone mediocre.

I called my mother to see if she needed anything at Walgreens. She wanted me to get her prescription and some black pepper that was on sale. I told her she can make whatever she wanted for dinner as I bought a burrito. As I was walking to the store, an old lady in a boat sized car blocked the crosswalk so I had to walk around the car. The street was filled with potholes and I missed one with my bad foot. My ankle didn’t like that at all. There was a little bit of a wait at the pharmacy and then I had to hunt down the pepper my mother wanted. My ankle was fucking screaming at this point. I still felt good despite the pain, which is weird because pain usually brings me down. Even now as I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in I am feeling pretty upbeat. Thank you hypomania. My ankle has warned me that I wasn’t doing anything the rest of the day. When I said that to my mother, she quipped, “you don’t do anything anyways”. Thanks, ma. That got me really angry and you don’t want to anger a manic person. I still am ticked off about it. Next time she can get her own damn black pepper and prescription!

I really hope that I can stay in my room and not do too much standing, walking or use the stairs unless I need to go to the bathroom. I also told my psych that I haven’t had a BM since Mon or Tues. She was shocked. I told her it’s because of the strong pain pill, which I hope not to take today but I might have to if the regular pain meds don’t work. She asked what do I do to go and I said I take fiber pills and senna when I know I am not going out. So this weekend, that is what I will be doing until I go. I also take magnesium to help with the spasms and bowels. I had styled my hair today as I got a haircut the other day. My psych said it looks good. That’s good because I felt naked most of the day without wearing my hat! It just is weird because I always wear it whenever I am out so it felt really funny without it.

Today was the start of spring training. I need to get my Sox hats out. I also need to get a new one. It’s been more than 10 years since I last bought a Sox hat, not that my hats are falling apart or anything but I just would like something new. I lost my favorite Sox hat a couple years ago while I was at my cousin’s house. She wasn’t able to find it. I loved that hat.

Energized and then caput!

Energized and then caput!

I woke up around 0700 after waking up at 0500. I was going to go back to sleep but wanted coffee badly and something to eat. I don’t know if I am hypomanic or not but I feel really good and energetic. That was until I hurt my foot and had to take pain meds. I was feeling goofy and ecstatic, which I rarely feel. I still feel good and in good spirits but I kind of lost my energy after eating lunch. I was going to go out today but I was so fearful of a flare up that I decided to stay home and watch movies. I have seen one movie today, The American President. It is my favorite movie. My next movie is going to be Bull Durham, but I am not sure when I am going to watch it.

I went down the stairs like a normal person today and paid the price. Just stepping in a downward motion caused severe pain. I usually go down the stairs step one step because of this but because I was feeling “high”, I decided to go down step after step. Wrong move. I couldn’t believe it. It kind of brought my “high” down a few notches. I limped to the kitchen to get whatever it is that I needed to get. I am just so feeling mixed feelings. I think I am in a mixed state more so than hypomanic. My moods have been shifting. I also want to do many things but I can’t because of bloody pain. Right now, my ankle/foot is throbbing up a storm. I am sure I will become depressed again once the pain meds kick in. They usually make me drowsy anyways. I only took one pill so hopefully it won’t make me too drowsy like two pills will. I don’t want to sleep like I did all day yesterday. It is so hard to put the brakes on my high energy levels when I am in pain. I almost never have energy and I want to use it up. But I don’t have the capacity to read. I think if I did, I probably dissociate. I just feel really weird. It’s not like me to have energy and feeling good. I don’t know what to do with myself. I probably would tackle the corner of my room that is aggravating me.

Because I am still waiting the decision on my SSD, I wanted to pay double for my cell phone and cable bill. I checked to see what my cable bill was and it went up six fricken dollars. I am like WTF. I checked my previous bill and it explained that the broadcast and sports fees went up. I don’t watch TV so I went to my mother to find out what channels she watches and to see if I could get a downgrade for my bill. I did. I am saving a whopping $17. It’s not much but it will be better in the long run. I hated paying over a hundred dollars for TV and I hardly watch it. I only watch it when my games are on. I can’t watch my shows because I am usually too tired to watch them and I can’t record them anymore because I don’t have TiVo. Another reason I changed packages was because they took away my CMT channel. The whole reason I went to the preferred package was to get country music. Now that I no longer have this, screw the package I am on. I hope they take away the sports fee because I no longer get the MLB channel anymore. It was a hard decision to get rid of a sports channel I love but I hardly ever watch it because they mostly show games I don’t want to see. Only time they will show things I want to see are the no-hitters in progress or something. That is exciting to watch.

Starting tomorrow, we are supposed to get a huge snowstorm. I really don’t think it’s going to be anything more than a few inches but they keep changing their stories as to how much we will get. I know we are getting something because my pain is through the fucking roof. My spine is aching, my hip pain is killing me and don’t get me started on my ankle/foot. That has been bothering me all damn week.

It’s weird to be in a positive state of mind. I just don’t understand it. Yesterday I was in gloomville, today I am the opposite. I haven’t changed my meds or anything, though I did take my night meds really late last night. I had fallen asleep after dinner and didn’t wake up till 2200 or so. It’s so going to mess around with my hormone pill by taking it late. I usually take my meds around 2000. That is because I am usually wiped out. I don’t think I will be wiped out today. I am still in an energetic mood. I so want to do something but I am in too much pain to really stand on my feet or walk. I might use my grabber to clean that area of my room that I is aggravating me. Most of the stuff just needs to be picked up and thrown away. I have decided that if it has been sitting in a place for more than 6 months, I don’t need it so toss it. Shit on my desk needs to be gone but I can’t reach my desk because of the damn shit in front of it. Once I can clear a space, I can put my printer on my desk rather than have it on my desk chair.

I hope this feeling good lasts a little while but I have a feeling taking my pain meds is going to knock out the feelings. It happened when I was in the hospital after taking remeron. I got a little hypomanic and then was down after taking my meds. It sucked but they probably would have discharged me if I was hypo. The crash was horrible though. I think I felt more suicidal than I did when I first came into the hospital. It was bad. Then Robin Williams died and so did I. I had no reason for living. Things just sucked all around. But things got better with the antidepressant. I gained weight, which my PCP was thrilled about and I haven’t been able to lose it. Docs don’t understand that when you are immobile like I am that meds can cause weight gain and then it sucks trying to lose it. They give you the rap like it’s not good for this and that but do they offer ways to lose it, no. Like you are just supposed to wish it away or something magical to happen to make you down to their expected weight guidelines. Bastards. I am lucky I don’t get the shit from my psychiatrist. I would go off on her because my psych meds are the reason I gained so much meds. And the Neurontin doesn’t help. I have been eating since I have been up this morning because I took a dose of meds yesterday.

Sirens 2

Sirens 2

I have been listening to Pearl Jam’s “Sirens” for the past half hour. It seems to be fitting with my hyper brain. I am still hypo though I didn’t feel that way when I left the house this morning. I was pretty groggy, alert, but groggy. I thought since I slept most of the morning, the hypos were going away finally and I would be back to my “normal” self. I was wrong. By the time I reached my PCP’s office, I was flying high. They gave me some crappy paperwork to fill out and before I was done with it, they called me into his exam room.

The exam was normal. We talked about my stupid weight and he would like me to reduce my food intake by 5%. I think I can do that. For lunch/dinner I just had a half a sandwich. Other than the donut I had for breakfast, I haven’t eaten anything else today. He then asked what my orientation was because he was “dumb”. I told him, in confidence, that I was TG and I didn’t want it in my medical record until I was transitioning. Which I don’t know when it will be. I feel so hyper that I feel like I could do this today. I was really racy when I left his office. I knew I was hyper because I made him laugh at something and it took him some time to regain his composure. I have no idea what was so funny as whatever I said was forgotten shortly there after.

I emailed my pdoc about my experience and asked if I could take some trilafon. I took 4 mg after our exchange but I am still ramped up. My thoughts are going in fifty million directions. I don’t know how I am writing this blog as my mind is everywhere. He did say to me that if I crash and think about hurting myself, to call him before I do anything. We shook on it. I don’t know if that is a good thing as I would have shook his hand anyway. And besides I am so high right now that I don’t think I am ever coming down. I have never been this way before, not for too long. I just hope that I don’t spend all of my check tomorrow. Granted after all my bills are paid, I will have just $100 left. If I am able to keep it, it will be a miracle. I still have some money left from the payment, but it’s only like 15 bucks. I should have ordered a steak and cheese sub with fries instead of the roast beef BBQ sandwich. It was good but I couldn’t finish it all. Tomorrow I think I will order a pizza for my niece and I. I usually get her a pizza when I babysit her and need to feed her dinner. Or maybe we will have it for lunch. I don’t know. Depends on my mood.

I can’t believe I told my PCP I am transgender. But I felt like I could trust him. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes after I told him. I think he was expecting me to tell him I was gay. I signed up for the class for next Monday. There were still openings available. Now I just need to print out my essay that I will be editing. It is the Love/Hate blog that I wrote more than a month ago. I feel it is a good piece of work and have been submitting it to NY Times for the past month but still have not had any responses. It might be too short and that is why they haven’t gotten back to me. I don’t know if they are even getting my messages but I keep sending a message every day or every other day.

Another song I have been listening to is “Leave out the Rest” by Linkin Park. It is a song that I have dedicated to Edwin Shneidman, PhD. He was a psychologist in the suicidology field that I really look up to. Dr. Shneidman was the father of suicidology. I haven’t written about him since the early goings of my blog. I should maybe write something about his work while I am in the mist of this hypomania bullshit. It should keep me focused. I will post the lyrics to Sirens at the end of this blog. The music is so touching. If you want to see the video, check out my other blog “Sirens” or you can just YouTube it. Music is so powerful when I am this “high”. I can’t believe I took the trilafon and I still haven’t slowed down much. I even watched an episode of Rizzoli and Isles. It’s always fun to watch them. I adore these women so much. Maura is so the opposite of Jane. Both are smart in their respective fields. That is what makes the show so good. Did I mention they were hot, too?

Hear the sirens.
Hear the sirens.

Hear the sirens,
Hear the circus so profound.
I hear the sirens
More and more in this here town

Let me catch my breath to breathe
And reach across the bed
Just to know we’re safe
I am a grateful man

The slightest bit of light
And I can see you clear
Oh, have to take your hand
And feel your breath for fear this someday will be over

I pull you close, so much to lose knowing that nothing lasts forever
I didn’t care before you were here.
I danced in laughter with the everafter
But all things change
Let this remain

Hear the sirens
Covering distance in the night.
The sound echoing closer.
Will they come for me next time?

For every choice, mistake I’ve made, it’s not my plan
To send you in the arms of another man
And if you choose to stay I’ll wait, I’ll understand

Oh, it’s a fragile thing
This life we lead
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulders

Want you to know that should I go
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away.

It’s a fragile thing, this life we lead.
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulder

Want you to know that should I go,
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away,
The fear goes away.

Ah-ah, oh-oh
Ah-ah, oh-oh here is the lyric video.