hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

Hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

I woke up with energy for the first time in months. I needed a coffee so I made some and that really energized me. I went to the post office only to be turned down because their network was down and couldn’t do anything except sell stamps. So I walked back home with my packages. I was getting really antsy and was in a really good mood. I didn’t think anything of it.

I patiently waited for the next bus to come but I couldn’t sit still. I went to Walgreens to drop off my prescription and then waited at the bus stop. The pharmacy didn’t have a line so I was in and out. The next bus wasn’t for another half hour. The weather was warm so I didn’t mind waiting the half hour. I was in shorts. In February! It reached the highest temp on record today of 74 degrees. I was feeling really good and felt like I could walk to the Square but I didn’t. The bus came and I went to Starbucks.

I had something to eat and 4 shots of espresso. I figured that it would slow me down. Nope, it just sped me up. Holy fucking shit I was in a hypomanic state! I started writing in my journal. I still had about an hour and a half before I had to leave for my psych appointment. There was a guy that was on his phone while his laptop was on. He was playing some kind of game and he was just making me nervous because he kept popping up and down, while drinking his coffee. And I was the manic one…yea okay. As I was writing and playing on my phone checking Twitter, the time passed and I went to leave. I didn’t finish the espresso. I was so wired I could fly.

I got my monthly T-pass and got on the train. I didn’t have to wait as one was pulling in the station as I got to the platform. I tried to rest while I was on the train but that wasn’t happening. My eyes felt like they had toothpicks in them to keep them open. I was so fucking wired. I couldn’t wait to get off my stop. I still had a few minutes before my appointment so I went to the bathroom. The handicapped stall was taken so I had to use the regular stalls. I hate them because they are so tiny. If they just made them a little bigger, you might not feel so claustrophobic. After I did my business, I went to my appointment. I had to wait for my psych, who always runs late. Today she wasn’t too bad. I was glad because there was a kid having a meltdown in the office waiting area and I didn’t want to see what happened next.

I told my psych that I felt good and was probably hypomanic. I told her it’s most likely a 24-48 hour thing. Very rarely it goes beyond that for me. She wants me to let her know how my sleep is and stuff or if I get worse. I jokingly asked her if she wanted my credit cards to hold. She said I wasn’t a spender (which I am not). I did buy another book though on the ride home. I won’t be seeing her next week because I have a class that I am taking on promoting your book. She wants me to call her. Here I was thinking I could get away from her for a week and then she wants me to call her. Dammit. We made an appointment for the week after.

She had asked about therapy and I told her the therapist that I have been leaving messages to hasn’t returned my calls or emails. So she is going to look for someone for me. If it doesn’t work out, I guess I will call the referral line that I did today and see if I can get someone mediocre.

I called my mother to see if she needed anything at Walgreens. She wanted me to get her prescription and some black pepper that was on sale. I told her she can make whatever she wanted for dinner as I bought a burrito. As I was walking to the store, an old lady in a boat sized car blocked the crosswalk so I had to walk around the car. The street was filled with potholes and I missed one with my bad foot. My ankle didn’t like that at all. There was a little bit of a wait at the pharmacy and then I had to hunt down the pepper my mother wanted. My ankle was fucking screaming at this point. I still felt good despite the pain, which is weird because pain usually brings me down. Even now as I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in I am feeling pretty upbeat. Thank you hypomania. My ankle has warned me that I wasn’t doing anything the rest of the day. When I said that to my mother, she quipped, “you don’t do anything anyways”. Thanks, ma. That got me really angry and you don’t want to anger a manic person. I still am ticked off about it. Next time she can get her own damn black pepper and prescription!

I really hope that I can stay in my room and not do too much standing, walking or use the stairs unless I need to go to the bathroom. I also told my psych that I haven’t had a BM since Mon or Tues. She was shocked. I told her it’s because of the strong pain pill, which I hope not to take today but I might have to if the regular pain meds don’t work. She asked what do I do to go and I said I take fiber pills and senna when I know I am not going out. So this weekend, that is what I will be doing until I go. I also take magnesium to help with the spasms and bowels. I had styled my hair today as I got a haircut the other day. My psych said it looks good. That’s good because I felt naked most of the day without wearing my hat! It just is weird because I always wear it whenever I am out so it felt really funny without it.

Today was the start of spring training. I need to get my Sox hats out. I also need to get a new one. It’s been more than 10 years since I last bought a Sox hat, not that my hats are falling apart or anything but I just would like something new. I lost my favorite Sox hat a couple years ago while I was at my cousin’s house. She wasn’t able to find it. I loved that hat.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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