Reading and other things on my mind

Reading and other things on my mind

Early yesterday morning I was drinking coffee and reading Neil Gaiman’s new book, Norse Mythology. It is excellent so far. I am really enjoying it. It has to be the first book that I can say that about in a long time. I wanted to get back to it when I got home from my activities but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to read. Later today when I make my coffee, I will read some more. I hope to be finished with it by Sunday. It’s not a big book.

Pain is keeping me up. I took my meds but I don’t think it will help as the pain is coming in spurts rather than being constant. It flashes for a minute or two and then stops. It is very annoying. Now I am dealing with burning pain so I took some Neurontin. I also took some Ativan and a trilafon because I am agitated and hearing voices. The voice is a cartoon character and it keeps telling me to “do it, you know you want to” over and over again. I have tried to shut out the voice but it keep invading my thoughts so I took a trilafon to ease it. I hope the psychosis isn’t because of the hypomania I had earlier today. I am hoping to get the voice under control or I will have to call my psych, who probably will want me hospitalized. Thing is, I don’t know what exactly the voice is telling me to do. Very weird and frustrating.

I am very tired but not sleepy. I am having anxiety due to PTSD because I am afraid to lie down for fear of the pain getting worse. And because I can’t lie down, I can’t sleep. It usually takes me several tries before I can lie down and actually sleep. It’s so frustrating. I wish there was a ritual or some kind of routine I could do to ease the anxiety but the pain is unpredictable. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Or I will be just to the point of going to sleep and the pain will intensify. So damn annoying.

I wish I could sleep sitting up but it hurts my back after a while. Eventually, I do lie down, but only when I am exhausted. I am hoping the Ativan works soon as it’s past my witching hour where I stay up all night. I really don’t want to fall asleep at 0400 or later. That will just suck.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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