Waking up in the morning sucks
I woke up at 7 because I had to pee and I have been up since. I took my shot and my morning meds. I had difficulty drawing the syringe today. The plunger on the needle didn’t want to move so it was hard to draw. I hate when that happens. After taking my meds, I went downstairs to shut the fucking kettle off as my mother just let the thing whistle. I am so damn annoyed. I hate sounds and I just glared at my mother when I saw her. She had nothing to say. I got my coffee cup and made coffee. I had ordered donuts last night so I had that for breakfast. I left them in the box and they were kind of hard this morning. They were still good though.
Today I am going to try and take my recycling out of my room and put it in the bins. I also need to take my trash out. I need to shower today and I might trim my beard. Depends on my energy level. It doesn’t take too long to do but there is always a few hairs that I miss that I need to do the next day. LOL
I bought a new book called “When it is darkest” by Rory O’Connor. He is a suicide researcher that I have been following for years now. The book is about suicide and prevention. I can’t wait to start it but I already have three books that I started and none that are close to being finished. I really need to “schedule” reading time otherwise I just don’t read. I had to do this the last time I read a book and it worked out. I would make note of the time I started and read a chapter. If I finished less than an hour, I would read another chapter. I find this helps me keep track of my time and reading. I have a kindle book that I started but I don’t think I am going to finish it. There are too many words I don’t know because the book is written about the Middle East area and uses words to describe things that I just don’t understand. Thing is, I don’t know if the word is really a word or a made up one and I really don’t want to be spending time looking up words in the dictionary because it just distracts me. If a movie comes out about it, I will see the movie. The book is too hard to read.
The books I am currently reading is Dune, a baseball history book, and Sooley, John Grisham’s new book. I like the baseball history book and will read more than a chapter at a time with it. But sometimes it gets my mind going and thinking and I have to pause to reflect on it and where I want to go with it. With Dune, I am trying to remember what it is about as I have not seen it since I was a kid and kind of found it scary with the sandworms. I know Patrick Stewart played in it and I loved the movie but it has been so damn long, I forgot what it was about. I never read the book before so this should be interesting. Sooley has been interesting, like all John Grisham novels. It is about my 2nd favorite sport, basketball so I am all for it.
My allergies have been off the wall today. Started with my eyes watering like crazy. I had to use the allergy drops to calm them down. Now my nose is stuffy so I might have to take Benadryl to clear it up, which will end up putting me to sleep by the afternoon. I still need to brush my teeth. I’ll do that either before or after I shower.
Feeling shitty and other things
I woke up with my back feeling tight. It has been cramping on and off all day. The weather has not been helping as it has been cold and rainy. I have been sort of depressed because today is the anniversary of my aunt’s death as well as my cousin’s birthday. He has been dead for the past several years. I miss both of them. I still have no cried for my aunt’s death and it has been a year. I just can’t seem to let the tears fall. It has been quite a while since I last cried. I think being on an SSRI prevents me from crying because I know when I am off it, I am more tearful.
I felt depressed and so I texted my therapist again about it. Told her I would read if my concentration is there. I have yet to open a book. I just don’t feel like reading. I have been reading Twitter and like that Georgia has turned blue. I also like that Biden got 306 electoral votes. There is no question who the president is now. The toddler now has to concede. And I hope he does so peacefully. You never know what a maniac like him will do. I am so fearful, especially after Pompeo stated that Trump will be in his second term. I just have a bad feeling about this. I wish Jan 20th was a lot closer than it is.
I managed to eat today. I wasn’t hungry but I ordered some food. I am full now so I don’t think I will be eating anything else today. My ankle has been bothering me and my other foot has been cramping up on me if I move it a certain way. I can’t get any relief. I have been trying to drink fluids to keep hydrated but it is tough. I think I am going to go back on the magnesium because I can’t take the cramps anymore. It really helped ease them more than medication. It also helps with the bowels so I plan on taking it slow as I don’t want to have accidents again.
In baseball news, the Marlins hired their first female General Manager, Kim Ng. I am happy for her and hope she does well. Cora has been hired by the Sox. I am glad he is back with the team. I think he is a good manager. I just hope they keep Jackie Bradley, Jr. That is my Christmas wish. I will be really sad if he leaves the Sox. He is one of my favorite players. The Sox will be a complete fool if they let him sign with another team.
I didn’t nap today. I might when I finish this blog. I am so tired from not sleeping. I was up most of the night because of pain. I tried going back to sleep after my med alarm went off but I didn’t. I took my meds early last night because I wanted to go to bed early. That wasn’t a good idea no matter how well intentioned. I ended up waking up in the early morning hours anyway. Hope tonight is better.
I showered and am hurting
I decided to bite the bullet and shower as it has been almost a week since I last showered. It felt good to wash my hair but my back cramped up. I tried to hurry so that it would calm down. The worse was getting dressed as I was just hurting so much. I could barely move. I hate this. I can’t even enjoy a shower anymore. I took a Ativan as I already took some Zanaflex. Doc got back to me and increased the dose. It hasn’t made a difference. I am going to give it another few days and then let the doc know. I am supposed to take it three times a day and I have been taking it only twice a day. Most of the time it is hard to get that 3rd dose in. I hate three times a day dosing. I can remember to take it twice a day but that third time is always a killer.
I have been feeling really down. My thoughts have turn destructive. I texted my therapist what they were as I didn’t know what else to do. I told her I would listen to some country tunes (which I am doing now) and then read. I decided to blog first. It has been a while since I last read. I am reading two books and they are so different. One is the city of brass. It is a middle eastern book about fantasy. The other book is about the cold war with Ronald Reagan. The book is interesting but it is long and talks a lot about the Russian politics in play at the time.
Back keeps playing up as I am typing. I have been trying to stay hydrated but I am not that thirsty so it is hard. I just want to nap but I am not that tired. I had woken up a few times during the night. I woke up with the room hot so I had to put the AC on. Then I woke up because I was cold. I needed coffee so I got up and had a sandwich. I have been having fluffernutters, a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. I love it. It is really good. I really want a cheeseburger from McDs but I can’t justify the cost of delivery for one burger. I might get an ice cream with it. It is still early for dinner.
My ankle was feeling weird in the shower. Sometimes the water annoys it. Now it is flared up and I am so down about this. My back and ankle hurting me is not a good combination. Maybe I will treat myself to McDs and get some nuggets, too. I just don’t want to make something to eat. I won’t be able to stand too long. I just hope the ankle pain settles down soon. I will take a BT med soon. I am so tired of taking pills all day. I never get a break from it. It depresses me so much. It really causes me to have dark thoughts. Thoughts these days have been floating around and haven’t let up much. I so want to act on the thoughts and sleep for a good 10 hours or so but I am scared that it might not go how I think it will. Pain makes it hard to think. Always hard to think. But always wrapped in emotions.
Sunday Blog 20092020
The only plans I have for today is to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and fill my med boxes for the week. It is cool today so I will be wearing sweatpants and maybe a sweatshirt. I am not sure how cold it is out but it is cold in the house. Sometimes it is colder in the house than it is outside. I am hoping that is the case.
I finally made an appointment for the Ride to be picked up for my pain clinic appointment. I am seeing a new pain doctor. Why, I have no clue. I have no interest to see someone new but my pcp wants me to see someone so I am going. It is just a consult, nothing will change, I hope. I just hope they don’t need a urine sample. I will bring a catheter with me just in case but hope I don’t have to use it. I cannot pee on demand. I never could. I would be sitting on the toilet forever before I peed. I still have retention. My urge to go can be weak but I am able to void with some hesitation. If I don’t get that urge, forget about peeing. I got to remember the paperwork they sent me. I hope I don’t forget it. I am not sure if I am going to arrive on time or not. All depends on traffic.
It’s windy today so I don’t think I will wear a hat. Last thing I want to do is go chasing after it because the wind blew it off my head. Had that happen one too many times. The cold air is causing my back to cramp something awful. I am tempted to send a message to my surgeon to see what he recommends. I am taking tizanidine but I am still having cramps. I am taking it around the clock, too.
I don’t usually discuss politics on my blog but the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has my stomach turning in knots. I am worried for my country and the Supreme Court. The last thing we need is another predator like Kavanaugh on the bench. All of this depends on if the Senators decide to vote once the Orange Buffoon picks someone. They really shouldn’t because the senate majority leader set a precedent of not picking someone until there is a new president as this is an election year. There are like 45 days to election day. I think it will be too soon to pick someone. But knowing the scoundrels, I wouldn’t put it past them to try and pick someone. My heart will break because it was RBG’s dying wish to have a new president pick a replacement. I just hope the wish comes true.
I have four appointments this week. Tues, Wed, and Thurs I have two. Wed I say goodbye to my psychopharm NP. I saw the new psychiatrist last Thursday and it went okay. He seems like a nice guy but I don’t like that we are meeting every four weeks. I think I will be okay but if my suicidality increases, I am going to need more support. He said that I can send him a message via the patient website thingy if I need to communicate to him in between visits. I might send him one next week to increase the citalopram as 20 mg doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me. It takes a long time for this drug to work but I was hoping to see some difference by now. I have been on it for two weeks. I am going to give it another week before I contact him.
I have been reading two books on women and slavery. The first book is Women’s War by Stephanie McCurry and it is about women in the Civil War and how they fought. It focuses on the laws of how to deal with the treason and such. It is interesting but it keeps going back forth with the law and says the creator of the law one too many times.
The second book I am reading is called Medical Bondage by Diedre Cooper Owens. It is about the way American gynecology had its beginning, with enslaved women. It is pretty sad because their doctors who were just learning the skills often ended up killing the women they were supposed to heal. These women often were not named but were written about in medical journals of the time before the American Medical Association came to be in 1847. Before this organization was established there was hardly any ethics involved in treating enslaved women. It was do whatever they want often without their consent or if the woman said no the treatment was done anyways against her wishes because her owner said yes to the procedure. This was all done to ensure the reproductive organs of these women were viable so that more children could be born. The book is short so I probably will finish it before the Women’s War book.