Tag Archives: reading

depression creeping in slowly

Depression creeping in slowly

I didn’t want to blog today. I slept most of the day until my stupid mother called me to see where I was. I am 42, not 12. Then I got the why are you sleeping? The answer is the same. Pain kept me up. I couldn’t settle down after the Sox win last night. Then pain hit me and well. Three o’clock came by and I was still up so I tried sleeping and I finally fell asleep until reflux woke me up at 5 am. Oh joy. Burning in my esophagus. I drank some of my Powerade as I couldn’t stand as my thigh was killing me. I think I need to move the Mylanta to my bedside so I don’t have to get up when I have a tummy ache.

I woke up just before my med alarm went off. My friend that I was supposed to meet up with called me. Said if I was in pain, we can reschedule our meeting. I said okay. That meant I could stay in bed, not having to rush to meet up as I was still hurting and wasn’t sure I could make it to the bus stop in time. I was grateful she understood. My support group, OMG. I don’t understand some of the people there. Two people said that cannabis helped them, either vape or oil. I don’t remember. But it wasn’t like I was looking for help sleeping. I was just annoyed my mother woke me the fuck up. Thanks but no thanks. I didn’t respond to their posts because I would have gone off and that wouldn’t have been good.

Then I read a blog Anne Wheaton wrote and my mood just tanked. It was tanking anyway. I’ve been battling a migraine headache since I got up. Sounds have been super loud and annoying. Lights have been really bright even though they are the same lights I have been using for months. I wanted to go back to sleep but I was too annoyed. At least the coffee I had was good. I wanted my pumpkin cake which is going to go to waste in a day or two but I had a pop tart so I didn’t eat it. I keep forgetting it is there. That is what happens when I make something and it has to be refrigerated. It is like it goes into the void and then it goes to waste. I then have to toss it. This is why I like giving it away so it doesn’t go to waste. I will try to have a huge slice tomorrow morning before I head to the Square. I want burgers. I also want to find the pre-cut onions so I can make the chili cornbread casserole. I am craving it for some reason. I want to make the keto pizza but I want the chili thing more. LOL I am so weird. I got to take the burger meat out of the freezer, shit. I will when I go downstairs next, if I remember.

I’ve been depressed the last hour or so. I just feel so worthless and hopeless. I am alone. I live with my mother. I haven’t done anything with my life. I am disabled but everyone thinks I am not because I can fucking walk. Big deal I wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic). I am still upright. Yesterday while waiting for the bus that was late, there was a lady in a wheelchair. I remember my days when I was in one. Not by choice but because I didn’t have use of my legs. I remember how fucking painful it was to relearn to walk. I still hurt from that, emotionally and physically. I still have nerve pain. I don’t know if the nerve pain is from cauda equina syndrome or CRPS. I just know I hurt. My doc increased the gabapentin to try and stop the dystonia (trembling of the muscles in my foot/ankle) I have been having. So I am even more tired during the day. I just feel like a huge lump in a log that doesn’t go any where. I don’t do anything that makes me happy because it causes me too much pain. I try and do sedentary things but I get too anxious and want to move around. But that causes me pain. Or I get to Starbucks and then have to go home because I am too anxious to stay there to write or read or whatever. I feel like such a loser.

I bought another new book. I bought like three of them in the past three weeks. The one I got today was by the guy that played Hamilton in the musical play, Lin-Manuel Miranda. It is very inspirational. It was of tweets that he collected and put into a book. I love it. It is short and moving. I love that I have it in book form rather than Kindle because he frequently says, “you have it in your hands.” The book has the new book smell. It was printed this year. I really like it and I hope I can finish it. I tried putting it down and it was hard. I kept saying one more page. And then I forced myself to put it down once I found a something to hold the page. I used to have a stack of bookmarkers. Now I have no clue what happened to them all. I just use ripped paper or something.

I am not feeling well. I just want to go to sleep. I took my meds early. I haven’t taken my gaba yet. I take that a couple of hours later as that can really make me sleepy within an hour. I take it will my pain med which I take around 9pm. But seeing as I am taking meds early, I will take it now at 8 pm. I don’t know why I feel so miserable. It is like the black clouds are back. I am trying not to think about how bad I feel but I know it will cover me soon and I won’t be able to break free for a while. Every episode is the same way. I just got to hold on to this thing called hope that it won’t last long. I hate that it is starting around the time that I am starting the pain program. Trying to find motivation to do the home exercises while I am like this is going to be a huge challenge. I don’t now if I can do it without them kicking me out.

Last night, I was trying to pay one of my bills and I thought I could change the date and I put it through. It went through without me changing the date. Fuck. I hope my bank kicks it out or I am going to be in the negative before I get paid. I was already charged a “service fee”, which I have no idea why. I am going to have to call them or go to the bank tomorrow to find out what that is about. It might be that I didn’t have enough debit card transactions for the month. I can’t help it. I only get paid monthly so whatever is paid, gets paid, which doesn’t leave me much to use my card. I’ve been using my credit cards to get things I need. Not a good thing but when you don’t have money in the bank, it comes in handy.

Just realized for not wanting to write a blog, I am on page 3 in word and up to 1281 words. Probably all gibberish. The point of all this is, if you have read this far, is well, I am not sure. I feel depressed. I am trying not to feel suicidal. I see my therapist Monday, the one that likes to pick his nails all session and not really give me anything useful to go by. I really don’t want to see him anymore but I am so drained at trying to find a therapist that takes my history and wants to actually help me. I am now picky in what I am looking for. After 27 years of therapy, I should hope I know what I am looking for, sort of. Is there someone for me, I don’t know. I am tired of let downs. And finding out that the therapy world lost a good therapist really hurts me. I still have no idea how he died. I know it was sudden. He was just three years older than me. I pegged him as a few more years older than that. I feel for his partner and family and his clients. I’ve been fortunate not to deal with a therapist’s sudden death. Just their leaving for various reasons. It makes me feel like I don’t have hope and that I am a hopeless case. Maybe that is what is bringing this depressive episode on. I don’t know but I will end here as I have bored you enough.

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

I literally spent the day changing my bed. I started by washing my fleece Red Sox blanket. It is more of a throw but it covers me well and is nice and cozy. While it was in the washer, I had breakfast, made coffee, and then had lunch. My new washer takes like an hour or more for one load. When it was done, finally, I put it in the dryer and went back to my room.

I took off the rest of my office. I rested for a bit before taking the sheets off. After I took the sheets off, my back was hurting so I rested so more. I thought after a few minutes, it would calm down, but it didn’t. My foot started acting up. I took my breakthrough med. I rested for a bit to let the meds work. I had my sheets ready to go as I have two sets. I put on the fitted sheet and my back again went berserk. This was going to take a while. I could feel that this back was just going to continue to act up.

When it settled down some, I put on the sheet, and blanket. Then I put some of my office on my bed and snapped a pic. I posted it and then rested for a bit. My foot flared again. Nothing was going to help the flare. Even now, hours later, I am still hurting. My mother was making dinner. I wanted something sweet so went downstairs for some ice cream. I wanted cake but we didn’t have any. The dryer was still going with my blanket. I put the sheets in the washer. When I finished with the ice cream, I took the blanket and went back to my room.

I put the blanket on and then snapped another pic to post. A few friends commented that I put it on “wrong” and that I had to put it the other way immediately. I was like whatever. I rested some more, or tried to. I was so damn tired. I wanted a damn nap but I didn’t want to sleep. Then my mother called saying she needed help with dinner. Fuck. Seriously? I went downstairs to see what she needed. My back was ready to divorce me. She wanted me to make the mashed potatoes. I said okay. I love making mashed potatoes. Dinner was pretty much done except for this dish. When I was done, I got the plates and utensils. I served my mother the potatoes and handed her the chicken cutlets she made. I got my plate when my mother said to make a plate for my brother in law. Ok. I grabbed another plate and started making a plate for me and my brother in law. Then she wanted me to bring it downstairs. NOPE. Not happening. My mother took her sugar and it was low. I have no idea if she gave herself insulin or not as I wasn’t paying attention. After she ate, her sugar was still low so I got her some juice. She said half a glass and that is what I got her. She said it was too much juice. Just fucking drink it. Fuck!! I started putting things away as she wasn’t feeling well. Then she went into the TV room.

I put the food away and some things in the sink. Then I went upstairs. I needed to rest. I got to my room and changed the damn blanket before I got in bed. Why, I don’t know. I took a pic and sent it to my friends that said it was “wrong”.

My back and ankle is about to sue me for divorce. I HATE changing sheets with a passion. I do it infrequently because it causes me so much damn pain. I will probably be sore tomorrow. The game is playing now but I don’t care. I have the country radio on and I just feel like listening to that. I can’t believe that it is almost the all star break and I am already starting to lose interest. I think it is more to do with my mood disorder than the sport. The team has been doing fairly well, even though they aren’t playing their best. They had an up and down game last night but pulled out a win. It was a good game but I couldn’t stand to turn on the radio and I was so upset. I was just in too much pain. I was just getting updates via Twitter or facebook.

I took my meds so I think I am going to read some Harry Potter and call it a night. I think I earned it. Just hope my pain doesn’t get worse. That will not be good.

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

I had decided to do my PT exercises today. I printed them out after I spent nearly a half hour trying to get the battery contrast settings to “normal”. When I somewhat “fixed” it, I then rebooted and hit F2 quickly to check what the settings were in the bios. Sure enough, they were at 0. Fucking fuck. I put it to 100%, restarted, and then changed the settings I played with. Once that was done, I put the laptop aside. I struggled with the stupid body pillow, which at this point, I want to throw out the goddamn window. But it is helping with sleeping on my side and aligning my hips while I sleep.

I then did the exercises. I was only able to do about three or four outward motion with my left. I knew I was lucky to get that much. I had no problems doing the right. Then I did the others. I tried the one standing and adjusting my posture. My back DID NOT LIKE IT! I am still hurting. My spine is aching so bad. I took some advil and I am sure the constipation I am feeling isn’t helping. I woke up late so didn’t take Miralax. I just been taking fiber pills. Taking three things for the movement of bowels is hard. It’s worse when neither works. I went a little bit last night. It was better than nothing. I was hoping to get on top of it today but sleep interfered. I woke up at 8 to take my morning meds. I should have stayed up but didn’t and I regret that decision.

So now I have a heating pad on my back because it is sore with the AC on. Hope it works other than making me hot. I finished Dostoevsky’s Brother’s Karamazov today. Figures the last chapter had nothing to do with the plot!! I am just grateful it wasn’t long. I wrote a review on Goodreads. I plan on starting Dr. Stacey Freedenthal’s “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is supposed to be good. Maybe it will help me be a little more hopeful and get me out of this funk. I am almost 90% sure I will end my life soon, though I am playing with the dates, again.

Tomorrow will be really hot. Twenty degrees hotter than today, which also does not help my back pain. It is also going to be yucky humid. I heard one school system has closed due to the extreme heat. That isn’t good.

Sox won today. I went to update the standings in my Twitter profile. I checked the MLB standings as I couldn’t remember if I did it or not yesterday. Seems I missed the whole Seattle series. OOPS. I corrected it. I made mention of wins or losses but never changed my profile to reflect it. Oh well. It is correct now.

Today my sister said she wasn’t having a BBQ but just throwing things on the grill. HAHAHA I got my brother in law a gift for Father’s day. He liked it. I had bought it for myself but it wasn’t what I expected. I am still looking for a keychain nail clipper with a file. I had one on my last set of keys but I lost them. I still haven’t been able to find them. I know I had them because I walked in the house. What I did after that point is a mystery. I was in a lot of pain and just want to rest so things were a blur. I have been careful where I set my keys down now. I have to remember to take them as they are in the kitchen. I don’t want to leave the house without them.

This morning, my cousin’s mother in law sent me a couple of pictures of my father set in a Jesus frame. My heart shattered in a million pieces. She sent them through FB messenger. For some reason, messenger downloads the images to my phone and I quickly deleted them. I didn’t want to see them. It hurt too much. I know she didn’t mean me no harm but it was unexpected. Sometimes as I flick through my phone and see the folder that I have of my father just gets me in ways. Even in death he is torturing me.

jump then fall

Jump then fall

Honestly had no idea what to name today’s blog and I am listening to Taylor Swift’s song, Jump then Fall so just chose that as a title.

I read one LONG chapter of Brother’s Karamazov. It was typical Dostoevsky. The chapter had nothing to do with the story. It was about one of the character’s interacting with a hallucination due to his illness. I was just reading to get through it, so I don’t even remember what it was exactly about. I made myself a new goal for the week. That if I finish this book, I will then read the Harry Potter series, again. I can’t help it. I follow a couple of Harry Potter Twitter accounts and they always show quotes from the books/movies and I want to relive it again. I love it so much!

I actually bought another book on the recommendation of Wil Wheaton called All the Birds in The Sky. He said it was good so I will read that along with Harry, if I get that far. I have a lot of things to do this week and my fucking ankle flared up today. I was at my sister’s apartment getting ice. I turned around and almost lost my balance. I didn’t see where my bad foot landed. I went to pick it up to walk to my apartment and it hit the drill that was on the floor. OUCH!!! Instant flare. Fucker. Pain is currently a 12, which is better than it was four hours ago when it happened. I just took a strong pain pills and some dark chocolate to help me feel better. I was talking to my support group friends and told them the chocolate is my “extra strong pain pills.” They wanted to start a post about sweets but were reluctant so I did it. I am not shy, LOL.

My mother said she was going to make spaghetti with my gravy. I was like score! I went downstairs to my sister’s to empty my recycle bin. It was close to overflowing so needed to be emptied. The dinner was ready when I came back upstairs. It wasn’t spaghetti. It was shells. I said so to my mother and she was like, we haven’t had them in a while. UGH. I want spaghetti, not shells!! I ate it anyway. I finished off the last of the meatballs. My mother made the box of the pasta. She can eat it all week.

I filled my med box for the week. I need to take my meds soon. Last night I realized I didn’t take my meds Friday night. I was just so upset over the whole pain doc and pain meds that I just forgot. I thought I did take them but they were still in the box when I took my meds last night. No wonder I had trouble sleeping that night. But my writing bug has been activated. I have been wanting to write all day but kept getting distracted by the internet. Plus the ball game was on so it just didn’t happen. I want to write some more about suicide and getting help, in general. It is not easy seeking help and if you have a past like mine, it is extremely difficult to find another therapist that will take you on. But it is on the mental health professional, not you! If you have a problem with alcohol, it is best to find an addictions counselor rather than a general counselor or therapist. Support groups are invaluable. There are plenty online or even on Facebook. Depends on what you are looking for and how private you want them. Going to a group therapy takes some work. But the peer support work better. People that have alcoholic spouses or parents also can get groups for them that are free. Just need to put a little effort into finding something that works for you. There is a good likelihood that the first person you meet isn’t going to work out for you. It’s like any other relationship. Takes commitment and work. If they don’t work out after 2 or 3 sessions, find someone else or another group. I went through at least three CRPS groups before I found the one I am in. What a difference! The people are friendly and supportive to all members. I also run a support group for CES on Facebook and it is a good group. There are some people that come in with their own agenda, looking for money for themselves or their “cause”. You are going to find that anywhere though. I try not to let those people in because that is no really supportive nor do other members have the money to donate or feel pressure to donate because someone asks. Most are on a fixed budget like me so there might not be extra funds after all bills and meds are paid for the month. I’m fortunate to live with my mother to pay some bills that I couldn’t manage if I lived on my own.

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

So a couple of years ago, I got on a Dostoevsky kick. I wanted to read some of his books and a few that were popular but never got a chance to. I got this bundle on Kindle for like two bucks and it was a collection of his books that I wanted to read. I started the Brothers Karamazov. Six months into it and I just felt like there was no end to this book. I looked up the chapter list on line as with an eBook, you can’t really tell if you are progressing or not. The percentage thing wasn’t working for me because it was for the entire collection, not what I was reading. I eventually lost interest and read other things, intending to go back but never did.

Then this week as I was traveling to my doctor’s appointment, a guy was reading the book and I bought it on Amazon, the physical book, to see where I was. This pic shows I am not that far from finishing it!! I feel better knowing this as even though I had 20 or so chapters left, I had no idea how small or big they were. I plan to make this my June goal to finish this book. After the Sox games, I will read a chapter or two. Tonight the game is at 8 so if I am stuck with painsomnia, I will try and see if reading helps.

If you have never read Dostoevsky or heard about him, he is a Russian writer from the late 1800’s. He suffered from epilepsy and would have visions prior to having fits. His book the Idiot talks about this and describes it in good detail. His writing style is kind of like mine where I can start writing and then go off topic for a bit, losing the original thought. His Diary that I read was very much like this. I remember reading one day and he said he was going to talk about three things. He started talking about one thing and three hours later, the chapter ended without mentioning the other two! I had only picked up the book because one of the suicidologists that I followed had mentioned that Dostoevsky wrote about suicide notes. It was only a fricken paragraph and it was near the end of the diary, volume 1. Never finished that book either. It was monstrous. I thought about getting volume 2 but never did. I don’t remember why.

I’ve spent most of the day on social media. I also took a few pics of things and saved some pics to post, either to Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I was kind of bored. It was too hot and humid to go out. Just going to my kitchen was a struggle. My legs still hurt and my right calf is hard as a rock. I get the cheap massagers Sunday. I don’t know why I am not getting them tomorrow as I had 2 day delivery but oh well. I am getting a shitload of things tomorrow. I went on a spree. My groceries will be delivered because I just had to have my sweets. I also ordered steak and burgers. I hope everything comes in.

I found out this morning that the new antidepressant causes nausea. It happened within 40 minutes of taking it. I took it without Zofran, but then had to take it because I was getting sick. I emailed my psych to tell her I was not going to take it unless she wanted me to take it with the Zofran. I guess there isn’t an antidepressant that I can take.

I foolishly bought a new Bluetooth headset. I might be returning it because it is kind of heavy, which I wasn’t expecting. It also takes four hours to charge, which kind of sucks. I have to have them fully charged before I can use them. If I don’t like how they are after the first use, they are going back! Amazon also had a deal where you get 3 pens that I like with refills. So I scored them. I am a pen freak. I only have 6 dozen+ I don’t know how many others. I have them in every bag and backpack I own, as well as pants/shorts pocket. I try never to leave home without a pen. It’s like the American Express card, don’t leave home without it.