Tag Archives: reading

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

I literally spent the day changing my bed. I started by washing my fleece Red Sox blanket. It is more of a throw but it covers me well and is nice and cozy. While it was in the washer, I had breakfast, made coffee, and then had lunch. My new washer takes like an hour or more for one load. When it was done, finally, I put it in the dryer and went back to my room.

I took off the rest of my office. I rested for a bit before taking the sheets off. After I took the sheets off, my back was hurting so I rested so more. I thought after a few minutes, it would calm down, but it didn’t. My foot started acting up. I took my breakthrough med. I rested for a bit to let the meds work. I had my sheets ready to go as I have two sets. I put on the fitted sheet and my back again went berserk. This was going to take a while. I could feel that this back was just going to continue to act up.

When it settled down some, I put on the sheet, and blanket. Then I put some of my office on my bed and snapped a pic. I posted it and then rested for a bit. My foot flared again. Nothing was going to help the flare. Even now, hours later, I am still hurting. My mother was making dinner. I wanted something sweet so went downstairs for some ice cream. I wanted cake but we didn’t have any. The dryer was still going with my blanket. I put the sheets in the washer. When I finished with the ice cream, I took the blanket and went back to my room.

I put the blanket on and then snapped another pic to post. A few friends commented that I put it on “wrong” and that I had to put it the other way immediately. I was like whatever. I rested some more, or tried to. I was so damn tired. I wanted a damn nap but I didn’t want to sleep. Then my mother called saying she needed help with dinner. Fuck. Seriously? I went downstairs to see what she needed. My back was ready to divorce me. She wanted me to make the mashed potatoes. I said okay. I love making mashed potatoes. Dinner was pretty much done except for this dish. When I was done, I got the plates and utensils. I served my mother the potatoes and handed her the chicken cutlets she made. I got my plate when my mother said to make a plate for my brother in law. Ok. I grabbed another plate and started making a plate for me and my brother in law. Then she wanted me to bring it downstairs. NOPE. Not happening. My mother took her sugar and it was low. I have no idea if she gave herself insulin or not as I wasn’t paying attention. After she ate, her sugar was still low so I got her some juice. She said half a glass and that is what I got her. She said it was too much juice. Just fucking drink it. Fuck!! I started putting things away as she wasn’t feeling well. Then she went into the TV room.

I put the food away and some things in the sink. Then I went upstairs. I needed to rest. I got to my room and changed the damn blanket before I got in bed. Why, I don’t know. I took a pic and sent it to my friends that said it was “wrong”.

My back and ankle is about to sue me for divorce. I HATE changing sheets with a passion. I do it infrequently because it causes me so much damn pain. I will probably be sore tomorrow. The game is playing now but I don’t care. I have the country radio on and I just feel like listening to that. I can’t believe that it is almost the all star break and I am already starting to lose interest. I think it is more to do with my mood disorder than the sport. The team has been doing fairly well, even though they aren’t playing their best. They had an up and down game last night but pulled out a win. It was a good game but I couldn’t stand to turn on the radio and I was so upset. I was just in too much pain. I was just getting updates via Twitter or facebook.

I took my meds so I think I am going to read some Harry Potter and call it a night. I think I earned it. Just hope my pain doesn’t get worse. That will not be good.

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

I had decided to do my PT exercises today. I printed them out after I spent nearly a half hour trying to get the battery contrast settings to “normal”. When I somewhat “fixed” it, I then rebooted and hit F2 quickly to check what the settings were in the bios. Sure enough, they were at 0. Fucking fuck. I put it to 100%, restarted, and then changed the settings I played with. Once that was done, I put the laptop aside. I struggled with the stupid body pillow, which at this point, I want to throw out the goddamn window. But it is helping with sleeping on my side and aligning my hips while I sleep.

I then did the exercises. I was only able to do about three or four outward motion with my left. I knew I was lucky to get that much. I had no problems doing the right. Then I did the others. I tried the one standing and adjusting my posture. My back DID NOT LIKE IT! I am still hurting. My spine is aching so bad. I took some advil and I am sure the constipation I am feeling isn’t helping. I woke up late so didn’t take Miralax. I just been taking fiber pills. Taking three things for the movement of bowels is hard. It’s worse when neither works. I went a little bit last night. It was better than nothing. I was hoping to get on top of it today but sleep interfered. I woke up at 8 to take my morning meds. I should have stayed up but didn’t and I regret that decision.

So now I have a heating pad on my back because it is sore with the AC on. Hope it works other than making me hot. I finished Dostoevsky’s Brother’s Karamazov today. Figures the last chapter had nothing to do with the plot!! I am just grateful it wasn’t long. I wrote a review on Goodreads. I plan on starting Dr. Stacey Freedenthal’s “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is supposed to be good. Maybe it will help me be a little more hopeful and get me out of this funk. I am almost 90% sure I will end my life soon, though I am playing with the dates, again.

Tomorrow will be really hot. Twenty degrees hotter than today, which also does not help my back pain. It is also going to be yucky humid. I heard one school system has closed due to the extreme heat. That isn’t good.

Sox won today. I went to update the standings in my Twitter profile. I checked the MLB standings as I couldn’t remember if I did it or not yesterday. Seems I missed the whole Seattle series. OOPS. I corrected it. I made mention of wins or losses but never changed my profile to reflect it. Oh well. It is correct now.

Today my sister said she wasn’t having a BBQ but just throwing things on the grill. HAHAHA I got my brother in law a gift for Father’s day. He liked it. I had bought it for myself but it wasn’t what I expected. I am still looking for a keychain nail clipper with a file. I had one on my last set of keys but I lost them. I still haven’t been able to find them. I know I had them because I walked in the house. What I did after that point is a mystery. I was in a lot of pain and just want to rest so things were a blur. I have been careful where I set my keys down now. I have to remember to take them as they are in the kitchen. I don’t want to leave the house without them.

This morning, my cousin’s mother in law sent me a couple of pictures of my father set in a Jesus frame. My heart shattered in a million pieces. She sent them through FB messenger. For some reason, messenger downloads the images to my phone and I quickly deleted them. I didn’t want to see them. It hurt too much. I know she didn’t mean me no harm but it was unexpected. Sometimes as I flick through my phone and see the folder that I have of my father just gets me in ways. Even in death he is torturing me.

jump then fall

Jump then fall

Honestly had no idea what to name today’s blog and I am listening to Taylor Swift’s song, Jump then Fall so just chose that as a title.

I read one LONG chapter of Brother’s Karamazov. It was typical Dostoevsky. The chapter had nothing to do with the story. It was about one of the character’s interacting with a hallucination due to his illness. I was just reading to get through it, so I don’t even remember what it was exactly about. I made myself a new goal for the week. That if I finish this book, I will then read the Harry Potter series, again. I can’t help it. I follow a couple of Harry Potter Twitter accounts and they always show quotes from the books/movies and I want to relive it again. I love it so much!

I actually bought another book on the recommendation of Wil Wheaton called All the Birds in The Sky. He said it was good so I will read that along with Harry, if I get that far. I have a lot of things to do this week and my fucking ankle flared up today. I was at my sister’s apartment getting ice. I turned around and almost lost my balance. I didn’t see where my bad foot landed. I went to pick it up to walk to my apartment and it hit the drill that was on the floor. OUCH!!! Instant flare. Fucker. Pain is currently a 12, which is better than it was four hours ago when it happened. I just took a strong pain pills and some dark chocolate to help me feel better. I was talking to my support group friends and told them the chocolate is my “extra strong pain pills.” They wanted to start a post about sweets but were reluctant so I did it. I am not shy, LOL.

My mother said she was going to make spaghetti with my gravy. I was like score! I went downstairs to my sister’s to empty my recycle bin. It was close to overflowing so needed to be emptied. The dinner was ready when I came back upstairs. It wasn’t spaghetti. It was shells. I said so to my mother and she was like, we haven’t had them in a while. UGH. I want spaghetti, not shells!! I ate it anyway. I finished off the last of the meatballs. My mother made the box of the pasta. She can eat it all week.

I filled my med box for the week. I need to take my meds soon. Last night I realized I didn’t take my meds Friday night. I was just so upset over the whole pain doc and pain meds that I just forgot. I thought I did take them but they were still in the box when I took my meds last night. No wonder I had trouble sleeping that night. But my writing bug has been activated. I have been wanting to write all day but kept getting distracted by the internet. Plus the ball game was on so it just didn’t happen. I want to write some more about suicide and getting help, in general. It is not easy seeking help and if you have a past like mine, it is extremely difficult to find another therapist that will take you on. But it is on the mental health professional, not you! If you have a problem with alcohol, it is best to find an addictions counselor rather than a general counselor or therapist. Support groups are invaluable. There are plenty online or even on Facebook. Depends on what you are looking for and how private you want them. Going to a group therapy takes some work. But the peer support work better. People that have alcoholic spouses or parents also can get groups for them that are free. Just need to put a little effort into finding something that works for you. There is a good likelihood that the first person you meet isn’t going to work out for you. It’s like any other relationship. Takes commitment and work. If they don’t work out after 2 or 3 sessions, find someone else or another group. I went through at least three CRPS groups before I found the one I am in. What a difference! The people are friendly and supportive to all members. I also run a support group for CES on Facebook and it is a good group. There are some people that come in with their own agenda, looking for money for themselves or their “cause”. You are going to find that anywhere though. I try not to let those people in because that is no really supportive nor do other members have the money to donate or feel pressure to donate because someone asks. Most are on a fixed budget like me so there might not be extra funds after all bills and meds are paid for the month. I’m fortunate to live with my mother to pay some bills that I couldn’t manage if I lived on my own.

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

So a couple of years ago, I got on a Dostoevsky kick. I wanted to read some of his books and a few that were popular but never got a chance to. I got this bundle on Kindle for like two bucks and it was a collection of his books that I wanted to read. I started the Brothers Karamazov. Six months into it and I just felt like there was no end to this book. I looked up the chapter list on line as with an eBook, you can’t really tell if you are progressing or not. The percentage thing wasn’t working for me because it was for the entire collection, not what I was reading. I eventually lost interest and read other things, intending to go back but never did.

Then this week as I was traveling to my doctor’s appointment, a guy was reading the book and I bought it on Amazon, the physical book, to see where I was. This pic shows I am not that far from finishing it!! I feel better knowing this as even though I had 20 or so chapters left, I had no idea how small or big they were. I plan to make this my June goal to finish this book. After the Sox games, I will read a chapter or two. Tonight the game is at 8 so if I am stuck with painsomnia, I will try and see if reading helps.

If you have never read Dostoevsky or heard about him, he is a Russian writer from the late 1800’s. He suffered from epilepsy and would have visions prior to having fits. His book the Idiot talks about this and describes it in good detail. His writing style is kind of like mine where I can start writing and then go off topic for a bit, losing the original thought. His Diary that I read was very much like this. I remember reading one day and he said he was going to talk about three things. He started talking about one thing and three hours later, the chapter ended without mentioning the other two! I had only picked up the book because one of the suicidologists that I followed had mentioned that Dostoevsky wrote about suicide notes. It was only a fricken paragraph and it was near the end of the diary, volume 1. Never finished that book either. It was monstrous. I thought about getting volume 2 but never did. I don’t remember why.

I’ve spent most of the day on social media. I also took a few pics of things and saved some pics to post, either to Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I was kind of bored. It was too hot and humid to go out. Just going to my kitchen was a struggle. My legs still hurt and my right calf is hard as a rock. I get the cheap massagers Sunday. I don’t know why I am not getting them tomorrow as I had 2 day delivery but oh well. I am getting a shitload of things tomorrow. I went on a spree. My groceries will be delivered because I just had to have my sweets. I also ordered steak and burgers. I hope everything comes in.

I found out this morning that the new antidepressant causes nausea. It happened within 40 minutes of taking it. I took it without Zofran, but then had to take it because I was getting sick. I emailed my psych to tell her I was not going to take it unless she wanted me to take it with the Zofran. I guess there isn’t an antidepressant that I can take.

I foolishly bought a new Bluetooth headset. I might be returning it because it is kind of heavy, which I wasn’t expecting. It also takes four hours to charge, which kind of sucks. I have to have them fully charged before I can use them. If I don’t like how they are after the first use, they are going back! Amazon also had a deal where you get 3 pens that I like with refills. So I scored them. I am a pen freak. I only have 6 dozen+ I don’t know how many others. I have them in every bag and backpack I own, as well as pants/shorts pocket. I try never to leave home without a pen. It’s like the American Express card, don’t leave home without it.

goal for the week completed

Goal for the week completed

I’ve had a rough day. I woke up a few hours after I fell asleep at bloody 0430. I was in pain so took some pain meds. I wanted to eat and I think I had a pop tart. It’s all a blur now. I went back to my room and took an Ativan to get back to sleep. Then I started reading Harry Potter. I read until I got sleepy. I must have tossed and turned while I slept because when I woke up, my body pillow which was under the sheets, were now on top of them. I only woke up because my damn mother called. Pissed me off. I got up about a half hour later and the bitch was clapping! I just walked away, not saying a word. I had another pop tart. I wanted to make pancakes but I didn’t have the energy.

I went back to my room and wrote to my support group. My pain was unreal and I just wanted to cut off my foot. I told them how my mother is insensitive to my sleeping. She just thinks that you should be up at 7 and then watch tv all day. She cleaned up the kitchen as I noticed my mugs were missing. I am too angry at her to find out where she put them.

I finished the rest of Harry Potter. I feel like I accomplished something this week. My next book will be 1984. I hope I can read it by the end of the month. I might start it tonight after I take my night meds. I am in one shitty mood. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I missed the ball game today. I could have turned it on while I was reading but I can’t listen and read at the same time. I don’t know what the score was but we won. One of my favorite outfielders, Jackie Bradley, Jr. Had himself game. I feel bad that I missed it what he did. I’ll try and listen tomorrow.

I feel like shit and just want to sleep. I’ll be taking my night meds after I finish writing this. I hope that I sleep through the night, though I don’t have hopes for sleeping past 0600. That hasn’t happen in a week now. Maybe tomorrow I will shower. I was hoping to do that today but I am too tired. I don’t think my foot would like it anyway. It was warm today as my mother had the back door open. I was shocked. She never opens it when the heat is on.