goal for the week completed

Goal for the week completed

I’ve had a rough day. I woke up a few hours after I fell asleep at bloody 0430. I was in pain so took some pain meds. I wanted to eat and I think I had a pop tart. It’s all a blur now. I went back to my room and took an Ativan to get back to sleep. Then I started reading Harry Potter. I read until I got sleepy. I must have tossed and turned while I slept because when I woke up, my body pillow which was under the sheets, were now on top of them. I only woke up because my damn mother called. Pissed me off. I got up about a half hour later and the bitch was clapping! I just walked away, not saying a word. I had another pop tart. I wanted to make pancakes but I didn’t have the energy.

I went back to my room and wrote to my support group. My pain was unreal and I just wanted to cut off my foot. I told them how my mother is insensitive to my sleeping. She just thinks that you should be up at 7 and then watch tv all day. She cleaned up the kitchen as I noticed my mugs were missing. I am too angry at her to find out where she put them.

I finished the rest of Harry Potter. I feel like I accomplished something this week. My next book will be 1984. I hope I can read it by the end of the month. I might start it tonight after I take my night meds. I am in one shitty mood. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I missed the ball game today. I could have turned it on while I was reading but I can’t listen and read at the same time. I don’t know what the score was but we won. One of my favorite outfielders, Jackie Bradley, Jr. Had himself game. I feel bad that I missed it what he did. I’ll try and listen tomorrow.

I feel like shit and just want to sleep. I’ll be taking my night meds after I finish writing this. I hope that I sleep through the night, though I don’t have hopes for sleeping past 0600. That hasn’t happen in a week now. Maybe tomorrow I will shower. I was hoping to do that today but I am too tired. I don’t think my foot would like it anyway. It was warm today as my mother had the back door open. I was shocked. She never opens it when the heat is on.

another warm February day

Another warm February day

It is 72 degrees F right now. I went on my back porch and there were bugs flying. I need to fix my screen for my window. I had broken it in November when I took out my AC. It was either break it or have the AC fall. I just hope the screen place can fix it and I don’t have to go to Home Depot for the frame. It is mostly intact except for the corners. The screen itself is okay.

I woke up at 5 again in pain. I was sweating because it was hot in my room. I wanted to shower but it was too early. I would probably wake up my sister and brother in law as their bedroom is below my bathroom. I stayed up for a bit and then got hungry so made a bowl of cereal. I went back to sleep even though my foot was angry.

I woke up around noon. My friend in Canada had messaged me so we were talking for a bit. I wanted to make pancakes but my foot and ankle were being assholes. I didn’t want to flare it up more. I was getting hungry but I didn’t want to move, much less leave my room. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I decided to shower and then make some buffalo wings. I think my mother is making a chicken stir fry as I saw some chicken chunks in the fridge. She is probably going to make rice for an army. I don’t understand why she makes so much when no one eats it. It ends up getting moldy and then tossed. Drives me crazy.

I haven’t read Harry today, not yet anyway. Voldemort just got the Elder Wand. I decided to stop there, for now. After I read Harry, I plan on reading 1984. There has been a lot of talk about the book since the Orange Buffoon has been in office. I think I read it when I was in high school or soon after I graduated, though I really don’t remember what it was about. I keep thinking of Brave New World and I know that isn’t the same thing.

Fat Friday cancelled

Fat Friday cancelled

I really, really wanted to get donuts today. A dozen and some munchkins (basically donut holes). I went to the Square as I got up around 0900. I had a turkey bacon sandwich and my espresso. Then I decided that if they had lavash bread, I’d get some turkey breast and have it for lunch rather than buying donuts. They didn’t have lavash bread so I got flour tortilla. It will do perfectly. I’ll also put in some cranberry sauce and it will be a yummy roll up. So my fat Friday was cancelled.

On the way home, I stopped at a convenience store to get quick picks for the lottery. The powerball just went up to half a billion dollars and the Mega Millions is like 300 million. Either would be nice to win. Then I went to Walgreens to pick up my Zofran. I was disappointed that the pills weren’t the ones that you put under your tongue. It was tablets. Oh well. The covering doc gave me a 90 day supply. I am lucky if I go through 30 in a year. I don’t use it that often, only when I get a migraine with nausea. Usually I’ll have the nausea before I get the migraine. So I am set for the next two years with this med.

Last night, the pit of despair surrounded me. Every year from Aug to Oct, I get really depressed and suicidal. This has been happening since 1994, when I had my first major depressive episode that landed me in the hospital from Aug till Jan 1995. I think that if I didn’t have a great psych resident at the time, I would have taken my life. Things were awful. I couldn’t go to school or work. I just slept all day and was in a severe depressed state. Nothing really happened to trigger it, as far as I know. But it has been happening every year since then.

I emailed my psychiatrist before I went to sleep last night. I had a hard time falling asleep because of pain and psychache. I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook. I hope it is a good group in which I can get support when I am feeling suicidal. The next few months are going to be rough. I can already feel the depression starting to set in. Maybe that is why I have been sleeping most days the last few weeks.

Last night I was talking with a friend. She can be a little bit too caring and set in her ways. I told her next week is going to be rough for me because I have back to back appointments. It’s going to be exhausting for me. She just replied that I should get a ride to the appointments. I tried to tell her that wasn’t the point and then she said at least I wouldn’t be walking. I told her sitting is just as bad for me. I really don’t want to use the ride because it costs money and I hate being a passenger with someone I don’t know driving. I also hate traffic. I rather take the T to where I am going. I know it will be exhausting so Wed I am not going to plan on doing anything. It’s the only day that I don’t have plans. Mon I have therapy, Tues is my neuro appt, wed rest day, Thurs seeing a friend for coffee, and Friday seeing the dentist for a check on my gums. It’s the first week that I have a busy schedule.

I need to call the place that made my AFO. The part that braces my leg is very dirty and worn. I tried cleaning it with a baby wipe but only some of the stuff came off. I noticed there were cracks in the material so I think it needs to be replaced. Only problem is I need a car to get to it as it’s not T accessible. It kind of is, but it’s a long walk from the station and I can’t walk that far. I noticed today that the part is removable. I am going to try plain old soap and water. If that doesn’t work, I will call. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had the AFO so it might need some tuning up.

I’m hoping to finish Tom Sawyer this weekend. If I do, I will move to some SE Hinton books called Tex and Rumble Fish. I haven’t read those books in a long time. I follow SE Hinton on Twitter and she is a very nice person who responds to any question, usually. I’ve loved her since I was a teen. She is one of my favorite authors. She wrote an adult book called Hawkes Harbor. After I read Tex and Rumble Fish, I will start that book. I think that is all the books that she wrote, other than The Outsiders, That was then, this is now, and Taming the star runner. I love all her books. I wish I could write like her. I keep thinking of writing a short story about sci fi and Star trek but I can never think too much about where to begin. I’ll write it one day. I just need to try and write if from a third person rather than first. I tend to do that a lot in my writing, only because it’s easier for me. Maybe I should take a creative writing class or something. I did take one in college but because of my psych issues, I had to withdraw from class midsemester. I miss school.

no McDonalds today

No McDonalds today

I had breakfast and made coffee. I went up to my room to read and drink my coffee. I finished the book The Adventures of Maya the Bee. It was a cute little story. After finishing my coffee and the book, I was getting hungry and wondering what to make for lunch. I was thinking of going into town so I could get McDonalds as there is not one in my town that is easy to get to. There is one on the border but getting back home would be a hassle. But those thoughts faded as my pain shot up from a 5 to a 20 in a heartbeat. I was hurting and still am, so bad that the pain brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t move my ankle at all and then it started pulsating. I took the strong pain med because I can’t take the regular med for another couple of hours. I also took an Ativan to calm myself as I am just craze with suicidal ideas right now. I felt like emailing my psych that I would take the bottle of Neurontin and call it a day but knew that would get a phone call. I put on Pearl Jam and tried to distract until the pain meds and Ativan work their magic.

The pain is down to the bone so I doubt lidocaine can reach it. It feels like someone is stabbing me and pulling me apart at the same time. It’s awful. I just want to chop my ankle off. Or die. I just feel really horrible. I want to take a nap but I fear that lying down will increase my pain and set off PTSD.

My neurologist got back to me last night. I am really happy to say that she does think I have CRPS, so it’s no longer a guessing game. She does want me to see the new neurologist that I have an appt with in Oct. See what he thinks. She asked if they were a part of the system and I told her he was. I forgot to ask her to send off a flare gun to my PCP to tell him that I do indeed have CRPS and to stop sending me to every Tom, Dick, and Mary that has an MD. I am tired of seeing doctors. I have no idea what this neuro in Oct is going to say or do. It’s at 0800 so my pain levels will be low, provided I get enough sleep to make the appt.

My mother came home from shopping. She was at my Aunt’s house before she went shopping. Then when she came home, she got into an argument with her on the phone. I had to stop the music I was listening to to see what all the yelling was about, and who was yelling. It was my mother. I called her when she hung up and she was very annoyed. I asked if she was okay and she just said yeah. I left it at that. I really didn’t care what the argument was about, probably something stupid. I just hate when my mother gets aggravated because of her heart condition.

I’m trying to think of ways to soothe myself while my ankle is going off like fireworks but nothing is really working. Pearl Jam is helping to take my mind off the stupid pain. I can’t go on Twitter because the feed is all about the situation with North Korea and the US. Two toddler leaders with nukes is not a very good situation. And the Cheeto keeps saying there is a “leak” in reports when he, himself, is the leaker as he tweets about things he shouldn’t. Dumbass. Wish someone would take his phone or whatever he is using to tweet away from him. WWIII doesn’t need to be started because of an insult.

Saturday Blog 88

Saturday Blog 88

I surprisingly slept through the night, waking up around 0700. I was in pain, of course. I finally went back to sleep around 8 after I took my pain meds. I woke up three hours later with my foot still throbbing away, though at a lower intensity. I made coffee and had the scone that I didn’t eat yesterday. It was good. I wanted to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but I couldn’t find the effort. My mouth is still hurting. I suspect it is going to bother me for at least a week. I have been trying not to eat on that side but it’s hard.

I woke up from a weird dream. It had Chester Bennington in it and I thought the person was going to sing one of Linkin Park’s new songs, One More Light. Instead my brain played Hoobastank’s The Reason. So that song has been in my head all morning.

I read Tom Sawyer while I had my coffee. I read three chapters, maybe four and then decided to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription before I got lazy again. I bought some turkey bacon and wanted to make a sandwich but my foot went berserk when I came home. I will try and make it for dinner. I hope by then my foot calms down.

It’s really muggy outside and the house is worse. It rained this morning and didn’t cool off at all. I hate humidity. I wanted to make ribs but it’s too hot for the oven to be turned on. Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler so I’m going to try and make them then. The funny thing is, it was cheaper to buy these ribs in the store than online. I saved about a dollar in store versus online. Oh well. I am still making a list of what I need. I got the basics down.

I know it’s Saturday. It feels like this week went by in a blur. I know I slept through most of it because of not sleeping and pain. Next week should be fun. I am going on a Booze Cruise around Boston Harbor. I will have one drink or two and then just enjoy the ride. I am looking forward to it. The proceeds benefit Autism. I will be going with my sister as I didn’t want to go alone.

I’m getting hungry as I didn’t have lunch. I think I will have some cheese with wheat thins.