I showered and am hurting

I showered and am hurting

I decided to bite the bullet and shower as it has been almost a week since I last showered. It felt good to wash my hair but my back cramped up. I tried to hurry so that it would calm down. The worse was getting dressed as I was just hurting so much. I could barely move. I hate this. I can’t even enjoy a shower anymore. I took a Ativan as I already took some Zanaflex. Doc got back to me and increased the dose. It hasn’t made a difference. I am going to give it another few days and then let the doc know. I am supposed to take it three times a day and I have been taking it only twice a day. Most of the time it is hard to get that 3rd dose in. I hate three times a day dosing. I can remember to take it twice a day but that third time is always a killer.

I have been feeling really down. My thoughts have turn destructive. I texted my therapist what they were as I didn’t know what else to do. I told her I would listen to some country tunes (which I am doing now) and then read. I decided to blog first. It has been a while since I last read. I am reading two books and they are so different. One is the city of brass. It is a middle eastern book about fantasy. The other book is about the cold war with Ronald Reagan. The book is interesting but it is long and talks a lot about the Russian politics in play at the time.

Back keeps playing up as I am typing. I have been trying to stay hydrated but I am not that thirsty so it is hard. I just want to nap but I am not that tired. I had woken up a few times during the night. I woke up with the room hot so I had to put the AC on. Then I woke up because I was cold. I needed coffee so I got up and had a sandwich. I have been having fluffernutters, a sandwich with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. I love it. It is really good. I really want a cheeseburger from McDs but I can’t justify the cost of delivery for one burger. I might get an ice cream with it. It is still early for dinner.

My ankle was feeling weird in the shower. Sometimes the water annoys it. Now it is flared up and I am so down about this. My back and ankle hurting me is not a good combination. Maybe I will treat myself to McDs and get some nuggets, too. I just don’t want to make something to eat. I won’t be able to stand too long. I just hope the ankle pain settles down soon. I will take a BT med soon. I am so tired of taking pills all day. I never get a break from it. It depresses me so much. It really causes me to have dark thoughts. Thoughts these days have been floating around and haven’t let up much. I so want to act on the thoughts and sleep for a good 10 hours or so but I am scared that it might not go how I think it will. Pain makes it hard to think. Always hard to think. But always wrapped in emotions.

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